They were standing in a barren wasteland, atop a cliff, with Jonathan at the very edge of it. He heard the sound of small rocks crumbling beneath his feet, and a deep, dark fear washed over his body. He shuddered at the sound of it, at the sound of his impending doom. Yet, he could not move. Moving would mean being closer to Evan, brushing past his body on this god-damned narrow cliff. It would mean going to the moon and crashing straight down to hell in the very same moment.
"Jonathan," Evan begged. "Please, come to me."
Jonathan shook his head. "Evan…"
"Jonathan…" Evan repeated, holding out his hand. "Please, it's okay. Aren't we friends? Best friends?"
He tried to take a step closer, but hesitated. A wrenching feeling grabbed at Jonathan's chest, pulling away at the strings in his heart. Please, he plead silently in his head. His eyes were beginning to burn and his vision was beginning to blur as it became harder and harder for him to keep his stinging eyes open. He blinked, and he felt the droplets of hot tears cascade down his cheeks. The harrowing feeling dug deeper into his chest, eating away at every inch of his sanity.
"Jonathan, don't… don't cry…" Evan murmured softly, concern rising in his voice. "It'll be alright. Just take a step forward, to me."
"I can't, Evan… please, don't…please… stop… I'll fall…" Jonathan sobbed, the tears never ending, streaking across his cheeks like large gashes.
"You won't if you come to me. Please, Jonathan… just take my hand."
Rocks crumbled further beneath his feet. Jonathan shook his head once more, refusing to give in. A crack was beginning to appear, the line darkening on the sandy rock he was standing upon.
"Why?" Evan asked, hurt. "Why don't you want to take my hand and live?"
"I can't, Evan…it's too much…I'll die both ways."
"So why don't you at least die in my arms?" Evan's voice began to crack, his perfect features contorting into an expression of pure sorrow and hurt. "Please… let me be with you. I lo –"
"Don't say it!" Jonathan yelled. "Please don't…"
The rock crackled once more, this time even louder than before. He only had moments – to give in to Evan or to die. One of his greatest fears pitched against the prospect of falling hopelessly in love with the man he had so determinedly became friends with, and risk ruining everything. Such a stupid choice to make. Jonathan closed his teary eyes, his heart pounding in his chest through the pain. I am going to die.
A deep rumble resounded, and he felt the solid rock beneath his feet give way. Above the noise was Evan's screams of agony as he watched Jonathan fall through the emptiness into the incoming abyss.
I'm sorry, Evan, he thought as he fell. I'm so sorry. I mustn't. You can't. You mustn't know how I've felt all this time. You mustn't know how I'm beginning to feel.
"Jonathan!" Evan yelled, much louder and much closer. His eyes snapped open, tears still clinging on to his lashes, to see Evan diving down towards him, his arms outreached.
"Evan, no!" Jonathan choked out as Evan caught up, taking Jonathan into his arms, the two men tumbling straight downwards into nothingness in a tight embrace.
"Why?" Jonathan cried softly into Evan's chest, his tears leaving dark spots on his shirt. "Why do you do this to me? Why, Evan, why?"
"I love you, Jonathan. I can't let you do this to yourself."
And with these words, Jonathan felt as though he could shatter into a million fragments, scattered in the wind. A few words to make him to crumble into pieces and have his heart take flight and break all at the same time. The only thing that held him together was Evan – his strong arms wrapped firmly around his body as they fell through the darkness –
Except they weren't falling anymore. They were suspended in mid-air, a warm breeze blowing through their bodies. There was a gentle caress against his cheeks – Evan was gently wiping away his tears, a pained, yet satisfied look upon his face.
"Evan?" Jonathan mumbled weakly.
"Shush. I'm here for you."
The light was blinding, swelling around them both, consuming everything in sight.
Jonathan peeked out from beneath his lashes. He fully expected to see bright rays of sunlight hitting his eye from an angle, and to see Evan's sleeping form opposite him on his bed, with his lips gently parted as he slept, revealing a speckle of beautiful and sparkling whites. He expected Evan to be wrapped warmly under his own comforter, a slight, adorable snore forming on his lips, a caricature of a large sleeping kitten. He expected all that.
What he saw, however, went beyond his expectations. The sunlight never hit his face, and Evan was not on his own bed, under his own comforter. Right beside him was a man more perfect than everything else in the world, the sunlight gently bouncing off the side of his tanned skin, creating a golden glow that illuminated his face as he slept peacefully on. Jonathan blinked, once, twice, trying to blink away the blurriness in his eyes and focus on the man that slept so close next to him, his gently pouting lips so accessible to him. He could feel Evan breathing warmly against his jaw, and their noses were gently kissing. A strong, almost irrational urge to see the warm brown eyes underneath the closed lids overcame him, and he smiled weakly to himself. Unable to restrain himself any longer, he pulled an arm out from underneath one of Evan's that was still gently wrapped around his waist, and allowed his fingers to wander up towards Evan's face, brushing the soft mound of his lips gently and caressing his temples and his eyelids. He admired the sharpness of his nose and his jawline, and he playfully brushed the tip of his nose gently, watching as Evan twitched sleepily in response to his touch.
It was a long, protracted moment before he realized that there was an odd, almost embarrassing discomfort between them, digging gently into his hip. When he finally realized what was happening, Jonathan almost leapt straight out of bed, only held back by the thought of keeping the poor man asleep. His face grew by a thousand degrees right there and there, his embarrassment almost searing straight through the skin on his cheeks.
Gently, he lifted Evan's arm from his waist and peeled away from the sleeping man, still blushing furiously at the thought of what was happening to the still-unconscious and unaware Evan. With slightly trembling fingers he dug through his bag for some clothes and a towel, and headed into the bathroom to wash up, attempting to avoid looking at Evan in the process.
Halfway through the shower, as he soaped himself up, he heard a loud, yet muffled voice announce itself in the bedroom. God damn it, Luke, Jonathan thought to himself. Evan's still sleeping.
He heard a long, sleepy groan – Evan was stirring awake. Jonathan wondered if he was grumpy and annoyed from such a rude awakening, and silently cursed Luke under his breath once more.
A knock upon the door. "What?" Jonathan called out in response.
"Hey," Luke called out from the other side of the door. "Craig's taking a long-ass shit, so I have to buy breakfast for you shits. What d'you want?"
Jonathan thought for a moment, before casually replying, "The usual."
He could almost see Luke furrowing his brows at him through the door.
"The usual what? Sandwich? Pancakes? Sausages?"
"Sausage." Jonathan paused, and then added, "Biscuit." He suppressed a laugh as he pictured Luke frowning at the door, utterly done with his antics.
"Sausages and biscuits or sausage biscuits?"
"Sausages with sausage biscuits?" Jonathan bit his lip, muffling his laugh.
Luke made an angry growl. "I'm just gettin' you some goddamned egg and sausage sandwiches. You better be done when I'm back."
He heard as Luke grumbled his way out of the room, the noise becoming more and more distant. He returned to lathering his body up with soap, enjoying the clean, soapy smell the shower gel was giving off. When he finally felt his fingers begin to wrinkle from the soap and moisture, he reluctantly started the water up again, rinsing all of the foam off his body.
Someone was once again knocking on the bathroom door, this time desperately, yet weakly.
"What?" Jonathan called out, shutting off the shower head.
"You're taking forever and I need the toilet," Evan groaned softly, remnants of sleep still dripping from his voice. "Urgently."
"Please," Evan whined. "I'll only take a minute, I swear. And you can pull back the shower curtains and everything and I won't see a thing, so please just let me in."
Jonathan glanced at the doorknob that lay ever so far away from the shower. "Give me a second. Don't wet yourself until then."
He clambered out carefully from the shower and took small, deep breaths, before unlocking the door. Instantly, he raced back towards the shower just as he heard the door swing open. He felt a cold breeze brush itself against his whole back as he drew the shower curtains hastily, and he could have sworn that he heard a flustered, murmured apology from Evan just as the shower curtains fully separated the two men. He was almost quite sure in the moment that Evan had caught a glimpse of him in the nude, and despite the breeziness that the open door was inviting into the bathroom, Jonathan could feel his body temperature rising.
He turned the shower back on, the combination of the water running down his body and the draft that was coming in making him shiver slightly. The fact that Evan was only mere meters away caused a different shiver in his chest.
He heard a small sigh of relief from Evan, and a loud flush. The tap ran for a thoughtful moment, and soon Evan exited the bathroom with an audible click of the door.
Jonathan peeked out from behind the shower curtains uncertainly, before deciding to end his shower right there. He dried and dressed, and began to finish up his morning routine.
Evan lay on his own bed this time, his attention occupied by some activity on his phone. As Jonathan exited the bathroom and began to pack up his bath items, he indicated in a small voice that Evan could now use the bathroom to wash up. He spied from the corner of his eye as Evan hopped up from his spot on the bed and into the bathroom with only a towel, and wondered if Evan intended on coming out of the bathroom undressed. The thought sent electric currents surging through his body, and he lay back on his bed stomach-down, his face pointed away towards Evan's bed.
It smells good here, he thought as he sucked in a deep breath at where Evan's head lay up to mere moments ago. A fresh, woodsy musk filled his lungs as he sniffed again at Evan's side of the pillow – he smelled like a fresh meadow mixed with a tinge of vanilla. It was a strangely intoxicating, yet mild scent, and Jonathan thought quietly to himself – I could get used to this perfection.
He heard the bathroom door open again sooner than he had expected, with Evan emerging from within, a terrycloth towel wrapped tightly around his waist and his bare torso glistening with wetness. Jonathan flipped over, and immediately averted his eyes. "Do you need me to get out?"
Evan shrugged, and rummaged through his bag for clothes. "We're both dudes, there's not much problem here. I've always dressed and undressed with my teammates in the same locker room before."
"Except I'm not your teammate and I'm not used to that." Jonathan replied, and flipped over once more as Evan made a motion to pull the towel off his body, his face now facing a wall, obscuring the sight of his steadily reddening face from Evan.
"You sounded like you were having a nightmare last night or something." Evan said casually, changing the subject.
"Hmm. Not really. It was… kind of scary at first, but then it just grew a little sad." Jonathan murmured into the sheets, recalling the dream.
Evan paused for a moment. "Sad?"
"Bittersweet, you could say. Something that I didn't really want to see happen just happened. It wasn't bad, but… I didn't really want it that way, either."
A soft sigh. Is that relief I hear, or is that…?
"At the very least, it wasn't a nightmare. You were thrashing around in your sleep so much, I thought you were fighting some demon in your dreams. Did you at least have enough sleep, though?"
"I… think." Jonathan paused, and chuckled softly. "Until I woke up to find some guy beside me poking my leg with a stick."
"I – what stick?!" Evan's agitation came out in a harsh whisper.
"I don't know, ask the guy who poked me with it. I'd almost think he was really happy to see me."
"It's a natural body process, okay! You've probably woken up that way before yourself!"
Jonathan snickered out loud, and Evan sighed, giving up.
"At least you're acting more like yourself now."
Jonathan turned and looked up at a now fully-clothed Evan, decked out in a tight grey shirt and denim jeans.
"What do you mean?"
"Delirious went missing for the longest time. I kept wondering how long you're going to act all uncomfortable and unlike yourself, and then I think he's finally coming back. Finally warming up to everyone, aren't you?"
"Maybe. I don't know. I haven't felt like this in a while, too. I couldn't be myself no matter how normal I tried to act. Finally feels like… I might be getting closer to being myself again."
Evan gave him a small smile. "I missed hearing you laugh like that. You always seem so ridiculously happy when you do."
"I'm happy now. Kind of." Jonathan said as a matter-of-factly.
"Sounds like you're inching closer to being as happy as you used to be." Evan's smile widened as he made his way out of the room, drying his wet hair with a towel.
A little closer…but not close, Jonathan thought. There was still something in the way, something that made him feel off. The feeling of discomfort ever since he landed in L.A. had mostly subsided, but bits and pieces of it still remained, keeping him from feeling like himself. Inadvertently, he had begun to do something he used to do whenever he felt uncomfortable around Nick and the rest of the football team – he had begun to shy away, hiding his true self and acting like he barely wanted to be there. Keeping things to himself, leaving words unsaid and acting all proper… I thought I'd thrown all that away when we parted, and even more so when I left college all on my own. I thought I'd left it all behind.
"Food's here, you lazy bums," Luke announced as he slid in, hands full of bags. Evan was sipping a cup of coffee with Craig at the counter, whilst Jonathan lounged on the couch, his legs dangling lazily off the side as he watched Evan's recent Dead Realm video, giggling to himself as he heard his own words repeated back to him. Almost instantly as Luke set the food down on the counter and started to open up the packages of food, his attention was diverted to the scent of breakfast, and he came bounding towards the counter.
"Sounded like someone was enjoying watching himself squeezing into someone's hole," Craig sniggered as Jonathan approached.
"Hey, it was a good video. Evan did a good job editing, and it was funny."
"I thought you'd be at least a tiny bit embarrassed about what you said."
"If was so easily embarrassed by what I say, I wouldn't have the guts to be here in front of you today," Jonathan replied with a tone of finality, and dug into his egg and sausage sandwich hungrily. He caught Evan's eye as Evan stared at him blankly, and casually asked, "What?"
Evan blinked, as though he was suddenly brought back to reality. "Oh. Nothing. I was just thinking about something."
"Like?" Craig pressed, eyebrow raised.
"Like… how I need to handle the check out later, so you guys should head home first." Evan replied quietly.
"Really?" Craig narrowed his eyes, only to wince in pain as Luke kicked his shin underneath the chairs from beside him.
"Yeah. We've got to pack up quickly, the check-out time is noon." Evan lowered his head and focused on his food, falling silent again.
"Well, there ain't much to pack. Jonathan pretty much did most of it yesterday morning and if I'm not wrong he'll just go and make all the beds once he's done with his food." Luke chuckled softly to himself, prompting Jonathan to flip him the bird.
"I don't think we should worry so much. The housekeeping staff is coming in anyway. Just make sure you bring everything with you. I think I'll get an Uber for you two first." Craig wiped his mouth and whipped out his phone, his brows furrowed in concentration.
"Thanks, dude. And thanks, Evan. It's been a really nice weekend."
Evan grunted softly in response, forking food distractedly into his mouth.
Soon, the breakfast items were cleared and food packages disposed of. Beds were made and bathrooms cleared of shower items, and bags were carried down into the living area. The house was returned to its original state, and their weekend together was coming to an end. A stillness was settling over the house, devoid of the noise and the liveliness that the four had brought the house over the past few days.
"The Uber's here. I guess it's goodbye for now, huh?" Craig spoke as Luke and Jonathan slung their bags over their shoulders, ready to go.
Jonathan held out his arms and took Craig into a giant bear hug, swaying from side to side. "You'll see us again sooner than you think. Besides, we get to play every other day. Don't make it sound like we're never going to hear from each other ever again."
"You have no idea how great it's been to see you. I'm honored I'm at least the second in line to see you in person, Delirious." Craig moaned into his shoulder.
"Alright, no bawlin' now." Luke grinned, and joined in on the hug. "We'll hear from each other soon, and we can get to hang out at the cons and everythin'."
The hug came apart, and the three were left staring at each other appreciatively.
"Where's Evan?" Luke queried.
"I think he went to check out. That and he probably got sick of seeing you guys or something."
"I heard someone talking shit," Evan growled, appearing from nowhere. "I've checked us all out, so we've got to clear out now."
"I know, we're goin', we're goin'," Luke sighed, and turned, walking away from the house.
"Uhm. Goodbye, I guess. Thanks again for the weekend, Evan." Jonathan gave a warm smile. "I'll remind Luke about the ice skating thing next week. And you can call him, too, if you don't trust me." He turned, and waved behind him as he followed after Luke. "Bye!"
Increasingly distant farewells echoed as the two got into the car, and they drove off, away from a waving Evan and Craig.
"So," Luke grilled after a moment, "are you sure you're alright leaving things with Evan like that?"
"What do you mean?" Jonathan replied, turning away from the scenery whizzing by outside the car.
"You're not thinkin' about Liselle anymore. But Evan is a problem now, isn't he?"
Jonathan let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know how I feel anymore. Before… I was so sure I didn't feel that way, you know? I thought it was just straight-up admiration, and no more. And now, I don't know anymore. I don't even know if I'm still just admiring him."
"D'you think you've… fallen for him?"
"I don't know… I really don't. Not yet. It feels like it… but I'm not sure. I feel like I'm really close to the answer, but I don't have one yet. I don't even know why I feel like this."
"He was sleeping with his arms around you, for a start."
A surprised tingle shot through the entirety of Jonathan's body. "How did you know?!"
"Did you really think it was a coincidence that I only asked if you wanted breakfast when I did?" Luke asked, his expression spelling all.
"You saw us." Jonathan gasped.
"I've never seen two people that needed more private space than you two. So I just left you two alone for a bit. Hell, when I went in the second time, I was half expectin' to walk out again and wait even longer."
Jonathan simply gaped.
"Look – I don't mind if you like him. You two look really cute together, to tell you the truth. But my worry still stands – Evan has a Sarah. If you get caught up in all this, you're going to end up hurtin', and so is he, and I don't want that."
"Luke," Jonathan said slowly, "I don't know how I feel. It's nice when he's close, but it's weird, too, and I don't want him to be close."
"Your conscience is speakin', that's what it is. It's good that it is."
"I don't know. I need some time to think."
"Take your time, buddy." Luke gently patted Jonathan's shoulder, a long-unused gesture of encouragement. Thank you, Luke, Jonathan thought quietly as he turned away, watching as Los Angeles whizzed past his eyes once through the thick glass windows of the car.
Jonathan's phone buzzed in the darkness as he lay on the couch in the rental apartment once more, watching as the fan whizzed above his head hypnotically. Despite his attempts to lose consciousness for the night and go to sleep, he had found it incredibly difficult to do so – he had quite unfortunately gotten used to the comfort of the bed at the resort, and even more unfortunately so – the memories of Evan during the two days and nights that they spent together were haunting him. Everything from Evan's skin and muscles against his body right down to the scent that Evan emanated filled his mind, leaving him wide awake in the dark apartment in the middle of the night.
His phone buzzed again. Gingerly, he picked up the vibrating phone and swiped it, answering a call from no other than Evan.
"Hey. What's up?" Jonathan began.
"Nothing much. You guys never came online or messaged or anything, so I was wondering if you guys made it back fine. Just checking in."
"Hm," Jonathan hummed softly. "We're fine. Luke died on the bed and I'm just counting the number of times the fan turns."
"Oh. Did I wake you?"
"No, I couldn't sleep anyway. I didn't realize how uncomfortable the couch was. I miss having a bed now."
Evan laughed softly. "Go snuggle with Luke then. Assert your bed rights."
"Like hell he'll let me. I'll just find myself on the floor tomorrow morning with footprints all over my body."
"Hah. Like hell he will. I think he'll just cuddle you like a teddy bear."
"Right," Jonathan rolled his eyes. "I'm hanging up if you're just here to tease the crap out of me."
"Alright, I'll stop, I'll stop." Evan quickly responded, the humor still in his voice. "By the way, there's something I wanted to ask you but I never got around to doing it."
"Mm-hm?"
"Why is it that you're so adamant on calling most of us by our nicknames? I mean, everybody else calls me by my real name. I don't mind that you're calling me Vanoss most of the time, but everyone else calls me Evan and there you are, calling me Vanoss until you forget and just straight-up call me Evan. And you do the same for Tyler, too. Not to mention that you know Luke in person and you still call him 'Cartoonz' when you're playing with him."
"I've never really thought about it, to be honest. It's just… we're in game, and it feels sort of right." Jonathan explained.
"You really like separating your online life and your real life, don't you?" Evan sounded thoughtful. "Sometimes I wish I were you."
"Really? You wish you were a hockey mask-wearing clown?" Jonathan giggled.
"I wish I had a lower profile. Then nobody would care so much about what I'm doing in real life, or what I've got to my name. I mean, you've heard it all from me when I was dead drunk."
"You're fine. Relax. Look, what I did works for me, and what you did works, too. If anything, I wish I were you. What I can do, you can do even better, and what I can't do, you can."
Evan sighed softly. "You're a really great person, do you know that? You're always so unafraid of yourself. It's almost as if that weird kid you said you were didn't exist. I… I wish I met you back then. I would've needed you then. To be honest, without you, I don't know where I'd be. I wouldn't have met Marcel or Nogla or even Luke. I need you now, too."
Jonathan felt his heart swell and still in his chest, and the world around him seemed to stop. Every sound seemed to echo and linger in the air around him, and every particle seemed to still itself around him, unmoving. A glimmer seemed to appear before his eyes. He had his answer. He knew how he felt. Everything that had troubled him and every feeling that clung to his heart seemed to meld and fuse into a potent mix of joy, pain and delirium. He wished he could smile, laugh, dance around and cry all at once. He was in love with Evan, hopelessly in love with his best friend. He had been so close to the answer, so very close that morning, and all it took was three words to throw him over the edge. I need you.
He refused to breathe any more. Every memory of Evan over the past two days flashed past his mind, every touch, every breath, every scent and every sound. He wanted to scream right there and then, into the phone – I love you, Evan!
But he could not. He choked back his words and his feelings, sending himself into a slight coughing fit. His heart was leaping and soaring, yet burning and aching all at once. He was in love. Painfully so. To think that I had no answer mere hours ago, he thought. Or was I merely hoping I never needed to see it?
"Are you okay?" Evan asked, concerned. "Don't tell me you're falling sick again."
"I'm alright," Jonathan choked out. "Choked on my spit. That's… the nicest…thing you have ever said to me."
"Damn, you got me worried for a second. I mean… it's nice to get that off my chest. I don't often get to tell you how much I thank you for being… my friend."
"And thank you, too. For being one of my best friends for so long, and putting up with me."
"So…should we leave it at that? I feel like I'm depriving you from sleep." Evan asked after a long pause.
"Sure, sure…Goodnight, Evan." I love you.
"Goodnight. See you next week."
The line went dead.
I love you, Evan. I love you.
He continued to lie there in the darkness, his heart hammering in his chest.
Nearly a week had passed, eventless. Jonathan flitted between exploring Los Angeles with Luke and playing and recording video games on his makeshift setup on the dining table. He could have seen hundreds, maybe thousands of faces in the time, each one with a different structure, with different qualities, some women having cute little noses, some men having strong chiseled chins, and despite all he had seen, he barely saw them. He would catch little details that would remind him of Evan – dark spiky hair, tanned skin, hooded eyes, a perfectly straight, shapely nose, a tender mound of soft pink for lips, not too thick, not too thin. He barely saw the faces of the people he passed in the streets, their faces but a blur, yet those features, those perfect, heavenly-blessed features stood out to him. He would watch distractedly as long fingers tapped against surfaces, creating a distinct rapping noise, and be reminded of Evan's hands, with his arms wrapped tightly around his body that one morning. His mind was full of Evan, his soul absorbed in the search for bits and pieces of him when he wasn't around.
"I can't take this anymore," Jonathan confessed to Luke one morning that week as they tucked into their breakfast cereal. "I'm in love, Luke. I'm in love with Evan. All I see is him. All I hear is him. Every time I hear someone laugh even a little like he does, I turn and expect to see him."
Luke looked utterly unsurprised. "I know. You already said it that time. Not directly. You went somethin' along the lines of 'I don't know the yet but I'm so close', but I pretty much knew what you felt."
"Did you think I was only holding back from saying it?"
"Close. I thought you just didn't want to admit it even though you knew it. And I was right. But don't go around bein' a home-wrecker, now." Luke responded solemnly, and smiled after a pause. "At least you're not lyin' to yourself anymore. You're also acting more…you. That's a good start."
"It still kinda hurts, though. In my chest. Not so much because I don't know how I feel, or because I'm confused and lost and not where I'm supposed to be… but because I know I can't tell him."
Luke reached out towards him and gently poked his forehead with his forefinger. "There'll be one day when you can tell him how you feel. The day isn't now, so hang in there, buddy."
They ate in silence for a bit, before Luke pressed for more information with barely contained excitement in his voice.
"When?"
"I don't know. Like I said, I've always admired him quite a bit. Coming here…made that grow into something else."
"I won't doubt it. You've been actin' weird since you came here. I missed hearing you laugh the way you do and being ridiculously honest with me. It was kinda like as if you never dropped the 'Nate' act. But I meant… when did you realize it?"
"That night when we came back from the resort. I couldn't sleep, and he called… and he told me he needed me. I couldn't not realize then." Jonathan murmured, a small blush creeping onto his cheeks. "Was I being really weird?"
"Kind of. Craig noticed, too. We chalked it up to you bein' here and bein' near Evan for real and having Evan see how you're like in real life. If you want my honest opinion, you're not wrong about you not liking public attention, but a small part of you has gotta be a little scared of how people are gonna think, how they're gonna think. If not, you'd have trusted them with a picture of yourself long ago, without the fear of attracting attention while hanging out and shit."
"I don't…" Jonathan began, but Luke interrupted him.
"It's just an idea I had. I pitched it to Craig, he thought it might've been a small part of your reasons, too. Just a small part. But don't change the subject. Evan told you he needed you?!"
Jonathan nodded slowly, pursing his lips tightly to avoid saying anything more.
The tight-lipped treatment began then, lasting well even until the day they were due to go skating with Evan.
They waited outside their rental apartment for Evan, and as Luke opened his mouth, a cheeky smile playing on the corners of his lips, Jonathan interrupted his words.
"Not a word. I don't care what you know or what you want me to tell you now, but I can't focus if you're going to talk about him all the time."
"Sheesh. You sound like a schoolgirl with a crush." Jonathan glared at him, and Luke backed down. "Look, I was going to say that I'm not going to say anything else about Evan today, or even remind you that Sarah exists, okay? I'mma just going to let you two have your moment before we leave next week. Then you can go home happy and everythin' and try your best to forget anythin' ever hap- Oomph!"
Jonathan jumped onto him, taking him into a rough hug. "Thank you so much," he whispered into Luke's coat. "You're the best big brother ever."
A screech of tires filled the air, and Evan's voice called out sharply to them both. "Are you guys going to spend the rest of the day dating or are we still going to skate?"
"Dating," Jonathan yelled back playfully, his arms still wrapped around Luke. "You ain't taking my best friend away from me, Evan!"
He could visualize Evan and Luke shooting explanatory glances at each other behind his back, and giggled softly to himself.
"Get in, or I'm going without you two," Evan sighed, and Jonathan broke away from Luke. He sauntered over to the door by the passenger seat, and hesitated for a moment, gazing at Luke expectantly for reassurance. After a small nod from Luke, he took a deep breath and ducked into the car, seating himself right next to Evan, a small smile growing on his face.
The smile barely lasted. Almost half an hour later, he was wobbling about, grabbing onto anything solid that he could find as he attempted to walk on ice skates.
"How does anybody even walk on these, let alone skate on these?" Jonathan complained, frowning. "I'm going to bet the only thing I'm skating on is my ass today."
"I can't help you there," Luke grunted as he struggled to stand. "And Evan's too busy showin' off to help us."
He nodded towards the rink, where Evan had already entered and was skating away gracefully, a blur in a sea of white. Jonathan watched as he darted from one end of the rink to another, his heart stilling in a nervous bundle every single time Evan made a sharp swerve, still elegant as ever. The way Evan skated, it was as though he was walking, dancing and soaring all at once. He looked absolutely in his element. A soft sigh of appreciation escaped Jonathan's lips before he was even aware of it.
"Show off!" Luke called out, jeering slightly. Evan stopped, looking back at them both sheepishly, and began skating back towards the two.
"Sorry," Evan mumbled, and offered to help the two men into the rink. Within his first step onto the icy ground, Jonathan grabbed onto the railing for support, sliding wildly and uncontrollably, barely able to even stand.
"Okay, just – stop panicking for no reason!" Evan chided as he guided Luke past Jonathan. "Keep calm, bend your knees slightly, that's right – now try to propel yourself forward a little…"
"A little help here?" Jonathan whined softly, his legs flailing wildly beneath him as he slipped with every move he made.
Evan chuckled, and left Luke to his first attempts at slow skating.
"Holy fuck, just calm down, will you? Stop trying to move your legs so much." Jonathan kept still, regaining balance slowly.
"See? Now try to straighten up a little, but keep your legs bent so you can move without falling over." As Jonathan did so, Evan gently eased his hands away from the rails, clasping them with his firm grip. Jonathan felt the warmth rush over him, as though Evan was warming his hands through their gloves.
"Now… just waddle slightly to move."
"What if I fall?" Jonathan whispered, his voice shaking.
"Don't worry about it, I'm here, okay?" Evan stared straight into his eyes, his warm brown eyes emanating a sort of calmness. "Small glides, come on. I'll catch you if you even wobble."
Jonathan lifted his legs and tried to push himself forward, and Evan slid backwards smoothly, his eyes never tearing away from Jonathan's, and gently guided Jonathan across the stretch of ice.
"See? You're doing it. You're skating." Evan slowly loosened his grip, and Jonathan wobbled for a split second, before regaining his balance, still skating forward inch by inch.
"Evan, I…"
"Sssh. Just focus on keeping calm and moving forward." Evan shushed softly, his calm demeanor never fading for a fleeting moment. He loosened his grip further, their fingertips barely touching now. Jonathan continued to skate forward slowly, eager to close the gap between then, to make a grab for Evan's long warm fingers again, but Evan moved further and further away, prompting him to push himself further forward. His smile grew. "You're getting the hang of it. I'll go help Luke, then."
Abruptly, he was left all on his own as Evan turned sharply, skating away from him at the speed of light. There was no longer a goal for him to move towards, no handsome long fingers to reach towards, no Evan to try to get closer to. Jonathan sighed, and as the realization of his solitude began to grip him, panic took hold - I can't do this alone! He flapped his arms about as his body spiraled out of control, and he looked hastily around for a wall or a railing to lean upon, but even before he could reach one, a slip of his feet landed his bum on the cold ice ground.
He could hear a muffled chuckle burst out from the distance. Damn you, he thought. Damn you for being so clumsy.
He tried to prop himself up off the ground, tucking his legs underneath his body as he raised his body off the ice. As soon as he began to put weight on his feet, he began to tremble, his knees knocking slightly as his body swayed from side to side. He took a moment to stabilize himself before he straightened up, still shaking slightly, and started to make an effort to move forward again.
The cycle repeated itself over and over again as he continued to skate, panic and fall. Often he would find himself just about to skate properly, only to find that he could not slow down, sending his mind into a state of heightened fear and panic. The air in the rink would suddenly seem much drier and much colder, and he would stumble and fall, over and over again.
As he fell for the umpteenth time, he groaned softly, his bottom beginning to really ache from the constant impact and from the cold. A part of him simply wanted to leave the rink and have a nice rest with a nice cup of hot chocolate in his hands, yet another part of him could not bear the thought of leaving Evan –
Where is he, anyway?
Almost as though his question had been answered, a gloved hand appeared by the side of his face. Long, inviting fingers connected to a sturdy palm.
"Come on, get up." Evan murmured in a low voice. "One more round around the rink and we'll stop, okay?"
Jonathan gladly took his hand, his heart pounding happily in his chest. Unexpectedly, as Evan helped him to his feet, their hands shifted – Evan's fingers were now intertwined with his. A rush of steady heat sent blood flowing straight to his cheeks at the thought of it, the thought that they were holding hands as a couple would.
Evan's cheeks were slightly flushed as well, and they stood there for what seemed like forever, glowering. Another distant chuckle - this time louder and closer to them – sent their senses fluttering back to them.
"Uh – one more round around the rink. Right. Uhm. Shall we go? It's really cold," Jonathan hastily urged.
Evan nodded quietly and began to lead, the two skating side by side with their fingers interlocked. Everything felt lighter and softer, and Jonathan felt incredibly safe with Evan's hand on his. No speed or sharp turn seemed to make the panic in his mind set off, and Evan anchored him so solidly to the ground without making him feel like he was about to fall. The world could have vanished right in front of their eyes, and Jonathan would still swear that he still felt right.
"Evan…" he softly mumbled.
Evan answered him with a small curious hum. "Hm?"
"I… you're good at this." Jonathan said. "Making people feel safe and good."
A small pause. "Did you feel… safe and good… that morning… too…?" Evan asked hesitantly, forcing his words out in small phrases.
"I think. However terrified I was at the start of my dreams that night… I wasn't terrified anymore in the morning."
Evan squeezed his hand slightly. "I'm glad," he whispered simply, in a tone that Jonathan could barely recognize. The conversation was brought to an end as they reached the exit of the rink, and they walked out slowly onto dry ground, towards where Luke had already sat waiting for them both. As they made their way back to the waiting area to change out of their skates, Jonathan exchanged a look with Luke behind Evan's back – with Luke bearing an amused expression on his face and Jonathan caught between sadness and annoyance.
As the car pulled up once again outside of their rental apartment building, Evan turned back towards the two men, with Jonathan now nestled beside Luke, having a silent, distressed conversation.
"Are you sure you two don't want to have dinner with me and Sarah?" Evan queried, biting his lip a little.
"It's okay, dude. We've got one more dinner the day before we leave, and we don't want to burden your wallet too much anymore. You've paid for pretty much everything we've done together the past month." Luke piped up, preparing to leave the car. "We'll fix dinner for ourselves, so don't worry about us. Take care on the way back."
Jonathan lingered for a moment, thinking of what to say as Evan turned his eyes back towards the road thoughtfully. Finally, he settled on something that had been biting away at him since the call they shared the night he got back to the rental apartment from the resort –
"I never got to tell you this properly when you called me, but… as much as you need me, I need you, too." Jonathan swallowed, and continued, "Goodbye, Evan. I'll see you soon."
He left the car and shut the door behind him, trailing behind Luke as he returned back to the apartment.
The silence in the car consumed Evan. His heart was swelling in all the wrong places, every inch of his skin and muscle in his chest aching. He sat still in his seat, all the strength drained from him. It had taken all the effort in the world to not drown in thoughts of Jonathan for the entirety of their trip. It had taken all his strength to stay away from the man who had, only moments ago, said something that could have made his heart leap straight out from his body, if not for his exhaustion. He had no energy to move, let alone to drive the car home.
What am I doing? He cried out loud in his head. Why is this happening to me?! Why must this happen?! It mustn't happen. I mustn't – not with him…
The memories of the day swirled in his head. He recalled it all perfectly – how those deep, ocean blue eyes looked straight into his as he gently held Jonathan's hands for the first time since their time at the beach, how the distress showed so beautifully and sadly in those pretty blue eyes. He recalled picking the man up as he fell once more, his body a small bundle on the ground, and taking Jonathan's hands – smaller than his, colder than his – into his own and looping his fingers through Jonathan's. "You're good at this… making people feel safe and good."
Safe and good, my ass, He chided himself. He wished someone would beat him up in that moment and knock some sense into him – how am I making anyone feel safe and good now, when I'm hurting everybody?
He hated himself. As the bright California sun began to set, Evan hated himself. He hated that he couldn't spend more time with a man that he had called one of his best friends. He hated that he wanted to push past calling him his best friend. He hated that he wanted to abandon everything with Sarah and run away. Most of all, he hated that he felt happy for wanting such a thing. He hated that he was happy that day. Evan hated himself bitterly, so much that he could have screamed out loud and trashed his own car in a raging fit.
I have to make this right. I can make this right, I can solve all this.
Evan straightened up, a small, angry surge of energy coursing through his body. A solution had keenly formed in his head. He knew what he had to do. He stepped on the accelerator, determined to make it to his destination on time.
I will fix this, he thought. Everything's going to be alright.
I sincerely apologize if this chapter isn't as long or as well written, and if the next few chapters follow the same pattern as well. I'm currently busy with real life commitments, so working on the story is a little tough at the moment. Nevertheless, once I've got my life back on track I'll get back to writing as smoothly as I used to. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
-Delmin