"They're late," Luke quipped, his voice barely audible through the buzz in the pizzeria.
"And you were telling me to hurry up since Sarah made time for us tonight." Jonathan said, annoyed, and he mimicked Luke – "Hurry up you idiot, we'll be late!"
Luke smacked him gently on his shoulder. "And we're on time, so we're not eating up any of their time. Besides, it's our last night here, so look alive."
Jonathan groaned softly.
"I know, dude, it's been so great here I don't wanna go home, myself."
"You know the reason why I don't want to go back." Jonathan mumbled softly, burying his head into his arms on the table.
"Who's in a grumpy mood today?" Sarah's voice rang like a soft little bell in his ear.
"He isn't very happy about going home tomorrow morning." He heard Luke answer. "I ain't too happy either, it's been nice to spend time in a place where the weather isn't so botched for once. It's probably half-cold back in North Carolina. Either that or it's half-burning. Nobody knows."
Jonathan felt a small, delicate hand running through his hair. "Are you okay?"
Jonathan nodded, and finally propped his head up, the light flooding into his eyes too quickly, causing him to blink hastily. Sarah sat beside him, her warm smile emanating an incredible, yet incomprehensible joy, and Evan was next to Luke, quiet as ever, an odd, indiscernible expression plastered onto his face, almost as though there was a mild guilt lying deep within him.
"There he is!" Sarah said cheerily. "The way you were acting, I'd think you really don't like North Carolina."
"I… I, uh…" Jonathan began, not knowing what to say.
"He's also being a grouch because he didn't get to see you much during his holiday," Luke cut in, nodding at him. "The last time we saw you was, what, weeks ago?"
"I'm sorry," Sarah moaned. "It's been crazy at work the past couple of weeks. It was only November and they started to dress up the store for Christmas. I swear to god, if I hear another Christmas carol, I'm going berserk."
"She's already ordered me to keep the Christmas decorations in the storage cupboard." Evan added softly.
"And not a single carol to be played. I don't think I'll ever get over this insanity," Sarah brushed her hair to the other side of her head. "Anyway, did you guys already order? I'm starving."
"One large pepperoni pizza. With extra pepperoni. Sounds good enough or do we need more?" Luke answered.
"Good enough. I hope that's ours because the last I've eaten was during the early lunch break and I can already feel my stomach begging me for food."
A waiter approached the table and settled a large pizza on their table. Giving their thanks, they began to split the slices amongst themselves, each taking a few nice big slices and pulling it onto their own plates. They ate heartily and hungrily like a pack of famished wolves, and as they all approached their final piece with the large platter that the pizza was served on moments ago now empty, Jonathan caught Luke's eye, shot a dark warning glance at him – Don't you dare, you bitch.
He heard a soft chuckle from Evan as the man observed their silent battle.
"What's so funny?" Sarah asked inquisitively.
"Luke has a – uh – nice appetite for pepperonis, apparently, and Jonathan is being territorial about his own."
"You make it sound like I'm some sorta monster, dude, I'm not that kinda person," Luke defended himself hotly, prompting Jonathan to roll his eyes at him.
"Says the guy who left only a slice of cheese-topped bread for me that time. And all it took was me re-filling my drink."
"I swear to god, bring that up again and I'm whoopin' your ass when we get back."
"What? There was an entire pizza, Luke, and you had to take mine?"
Luke made a disparaged sound, and proceeded to pinch a few slices of pepperoni off Jonathan's final pizza slice. His eyes widened at Luke dangerously, staring at the bearded man.
"Alright, alright, don't fight, you two," Sarah giggled softly. "Although I'm really tempted to just watch you two bicker over a few slices of pepperoni. Here, take a few from me. I'm not a big eater, anyway. I think I'm just about done."
Sarah gingerly placed her last two slices of pepperoni onto Jonathan's pizza slice, using her left hand like a dainty pincer. It was then that Jonathan caught a glimpse of something shining away brightly in the light of the pizzeria, a sharp shimmer attached to her ring finger on her left hand. He froze in that moment, stunned as realization began to dawn upon him – why Evan had remained so quiet the whole night, why Sarah was in incredibly good spirits the whole time. They're getting married. Evan proposed to her and they're going to get married.
It was as though he had spoken his thoughts out loud. Evan looked down at his pizza slice blankly, and Sarah grinned at him, her delight breaking through.
"You're sharp. You've noticed," Sarah beamed happily, a small fire dancing in her eyes. "Well, it's no secret anymore, then. Evan proposed, and I couldn't be happier to say yes!"
Jonathan was still for a split second, and he forced his lips into the most natural grin that he could pull in the moment. He refused to let his truest feelings show – not in front of Sarah, and definitely not in front of Evan. Not now.
"Congratulations!" Jonathan returned a smile. "I'm so, so happy for you both."
He stretched out a hand towards Evan, an invitation to a handshake that he really didn't mean. Deep inside, his world was crumbling apart, piece by piece, each fragment melting away as he watched the man that he loved crack an all-too-perfect, yet unfamiliar smile as he accepted Jonathan's congratulations. The handshake felt incredibly painful to the touch, and as their hands clasped over each other's, his skin burned. Evan's fingers were like long, sharp claws against his own hand, and the handshake could have ripped his arm from his body. The warm, long fingers that he had kept deeply etched in his mind were long gone. Before him, Evan was a messenger of pain, piercing him with countless arrows and swords.
Luke immediately intercepted Evan's attention, offering his congratulations and shaking his hand as well. Jonathan withdrew, mentally willing the smile to be nailed to his face. He would be happy for them. He would cheer them on. What was I thinking, anyway? That Evan would fall for me? That Evan would leave Sarah for me? That because of that one moment, he loves me?
You're an idiot, Jonathan, he yelled in his head. Such a fool. Always such a fool.
"…right, Jonathan?" Luke's voice entered his head. Jonathan looked at him blankly, quietly prompting him for an explanation.
"What?" He choked out after a short pause.
"I was sayin'," Luke looked directly at Jonathan in the eyes, "that we should get going. We've got an early flight tomorrow morning and you're not done packing. So we'll settle the bill for this happy couple and rush back."
Luke's eyes spoke an entirely different story. Pull yourself together, you can cry when we get back home.
"Aw, are you sure? You both are on your last few bites. Plus, it's your last night, and we should make up for lost time." Sarah whined playfully, the glimmer in her eyes speaking astounding amounts of happiness.
"It's alright. We need to catch some sleep or Jonathan will be a grumpy little bitch tomorrow mornin'. So just let us settle the bill, and you two celebrate this on your own, okay?"
They stood, preparing to leave, and Sarah took Jonathan into a tight embrace. "I'm so glad that I've met you two," she announced as she hugged Luke as well, "do come back to L.A. soon. Evan and I are going to miss you two to death."
"Or you two can come down to North Carolina someday. We'll show you our mountains. That's if you'll tolerate the crazy weather there, though." Luke replied.
"That'd be really great, too. I wish we could send you two off tomorrow, but life gets in the way." Sarah sighed. "I really wish you two have a safe journey back."
"And I hope you two have a good night. Send us word when you've picked a date, will you?"
Sarah nodded, and waved her farewells to them two as Luke proceeded over to the cashier, whilst Jonathan headed outside into the cool of the night, his mask beginning to fail him. He could feel himself breaking apart, his tears threatening to flow out at any moment. Before he was even aware of it, droplets of tears were spilling out of his eyes, cascading down his cheeks painfully and landing on his dark blue jacket, creating little dark spots on his front. He was caught in a state of absolute grief, hidden away from the rest of the world.
"Evan…" He whispered under his breath as he cried.
He was standing on a grass field, his hair blowing in the wind. The night was perfect – the air was cool, the wind gently kissing his skin. Nick is such a romantic, he thought as he raised his arms to his sides, embracing the cool air that rushed through the layers of fabric that separated him from the rest of the world. The breeze thrilled him, sending pleasant little shivers through his body.
"Jonathan." Nick called out, his body half-hidden in the shadows. Dark circles had formed under his eyes, and he carried a look of exhaustion and fatigue.
"Nick!" Jonathan cried out happily, and jogged towards the man he had loved so much, the smile on his face growing, only faltering as he came closer. "What happened to you?"
He reached out to touch Nick's face, where patches of red and purple met each other. Nick shied away, pushing his fingers away from his face.
"Don't. Don't touch me."
"What happened to you?"
"Doesn't matter, Jonathan." He took a step out into the moonlight, his injuries and exhaustion coming into full light. Bruises lay at the corner of his lips, and his eyes were red, puffy and swollen.
"Did Eric do this to you?" Jonathan reached out again.
"Stop it, Jonathan, I said it doesn't matter!" Nick yelled, venom bleeding into his words. "Stop fucking caring about me!"
It was as though he had thrust a knife straight through Jonathan.
"Nick…" he choked.
"Don't… don't look at me like that. I didn't call you out here today for this."
"Nick, I… we…"
"We mustn't do what we've been doing anymore, Jonathan. No… We mustn't even see each other anymore."
Another invisible knife seemed to shoot out from the darkness and stab Jonathan straight in the heart. Every kiss, every touch, every gentle nibble… every memory seemed to burn and sear. His legs gave way, unable to support his heavy body any longer. Don't cry, he thought. Smile.
"I thought we were friends…" Jonathan croaked, his voice cracking through a forced smile. "Nick, I thought we…"
"Enough, Jonathan. Act normal or something. Don't come close to me anymore…that's the most I can do for you. Eric isn't going to like it, but…" Nick sighed, his eyes glistening. "I lo-…"
He paused, and readjusted himself before the words slipped out of his mouth. He took a deep breath, and began again.
"I hope you understand. Goodbye, Jonathan."
Nick drifted back into the darkness, his eyes lingering on Jonathan's trembling form for a moment, before he turned his back and broke into a sprint into the distance.
Jonathan half-knelt in the middle of the grass field, the wind no longer his friend, but a powerful gale threatening to blow him away into dust. His eyes remained dry, and his mouth was crooked in a painful effort to keep up a smile. The grass field could have been a nail bed and he could have not felt a thing. Nick had thrown a brick straight into the depths of his soul, and broken the most fragile piece of him, shattering it into billions of fragments, the shock of it all coursing through his blood in tiny electrical pulses.
"Jonathan!" Luke called out after what seemed like eons, a silhouette running towards him in the distance. "Oh, god, I knew this would happen!"
Jonathan mechanically shifted his head to look at the man as he approached, his smile beginning to falter and contort into a painful grimace. Don't cry, his mind urged on. Don't cry.
"Damn it," Luke murmured, his brow furrowed. "Jonathan, please say somethin'."
Jonathan shook his head robotically. His body was so heavy, he was on the verge of collapse.
"Jonathan, just – just lie down, or something." Luke gently pressed, guiding his body down to the grass to face the dark sky above. Luke proceeded to lie beside him, his feet pointing in the opposite direction from Jonathan's body with Luke's face inches away from his.
"I'm sorry about Nick," Luke began, his breath warm against Jonathan's face. "Please, don't be like this anymore."
Something about the way they lay together on the grass field broke the barriers in the façade. Tears swelled in his eyes and flowed down the sides of his face and into the grass, hot, wet and salty. He drew a heavy, shaky breath, and began to sob helplessly to the heavens above, curling up into a fetal position on his side as he did. For the first time in a long time, he cried like a vulnerable child, his chest heaving and his sobs growing increasingly violent, the tears never ending. Luke's presence in the moment released an avalanche of emotions that he had held back.
The scene before him blurred and began to dissolve into darkness. It was as though Jonathan was being pulled out of one world and placed back into another, with the latter more real, and much more painful.
"It's been a long time since I saw him like that." Luke's voice softly hit Jonathan, agitated, yet hushed.
"I know he's an idiot, but if he thinks that's what he wants, we can't stop him, can we? Craig – look – we've gotta respect his decision, no matter what we think is good for him or not."
Another long pause followed his words.
"There ain't anything we can do about it! Look, one broken heart is better than three. I've known this kid since he was small, he'll live through this. –No, I don't care what you think, he's not that stupid. He's lived through some real tough break-ups and rejections before, he'll live through this just fine. He needs time, so give him some."
"– And what? We can't tell Evan about this. The last thing we need is to put ideas in his head now. The man's confused enough as is, so let him be."
"- I will. I've been doin' this since we were kids. I think I know how to handle him. Yeah. Bye. Take care of yourself, too."
A creak of the door and a few heavy footsteps announced Luke's return to the room.
"I didn't know the floor was so comfortable that you can sleep that long on it. Or rather, feign sleep."
Jonathan kept his eyes shut tightly, refusing to show any sign of response to Luke. Leave me alone, he thought to himself.
The bed had lay abandoned and free of creases the night before. Jonathan had woken from his slumber in a mood, and the flight back had been a dreary mess. Jonathan had refused to speak to Luke, and the entire day was but a blur before his eyes as he replayed the moment over and over in his head as he realized Evan was beyond his grasp once and for all, and he had loved another unattainable man.
He could barely recall how the flight went or when they landed back in North Carolina, greeted by a light shower from the heavens. It was almost as though the heavens were crying for the man, crying tears that he could no longer push out from his own eyes.
He could barely recall how he ended up back in his own home, or how he and Luke came to lie on the ground, side by side, their feet pointed in opposite directions and their faces next to each other like how they had done so many years ago as Luke stripped the mask he had put on down to reveal his rawest emotions, except no tears could come to him this time, his body too exhausted to sob any further. They lay there, blankets draped loosely over their bodies, dark concerned eyes staring into a set of blank ones, until the ocean blues closed themselves off to the world, succumbing to physical and mental fatigue.
"Wake up," Luke called out again. "Hannah's coming over with breakfast soon, and I'm sick of bailing on her last minute so don't you complain."
Shut up, Jonathan thought again, his head still cloudy. You don't know how I feel.
Luke sighed heavily and walked out of the room once more, his footsteps light against the floorboard. The door creaked shut.
Jonathan stretched out lazily on the floor, his arms and legs meeting different layers of fabric. I need a shower, the thought occurring to him as he curled back up into a bundle on the ground, the multiple blankets forming a nest around him. I feel dirty. I probably stink.
But he did not move a single inch from the ground, completely unmotivated to get up and clean up despite his abhorrence of the grimy feeling that was crawling on his skin. He silently wished for a tub of soapy water to appear and for some divine intervention to occur such that his body would be immersed within it.
A soft clicking of the door outside the room followed by a soft, high voice indicated Hannah's arrival. Jonathan turned his head slightly, orientating an ear towards the doorway to listen.
"How is he?" Hannah asked softly.
"Pretending to sleep. And tryin' to pretend that he's okay. Same old."
"Poor dear. First that girl Liselle, now this…"
"He's been through a lot more than this. He'll recover just fine with some time. I'll give him two weeks, and if he isn't gonna perk up by Christmas I'll beat it into him."
"Luke!" Hannah chided. "He needs love and care now, not a beating. That's the last thing he needs, especially on Christmas."
"If it wakes him up, I will do it," Luke murmured, reluctance clinging to his words. "I'd do anythin' to get him to stop pining and come back to life."
A small pause, followed by a soft smooching sound. "I've missed you," Hannah whispered. "It was killing me seeing that text from you last night about not coming home. I've missed you for a month and you were so close yet so far."
"I'm so sorry. But I couldn't leave him when he's like this."
"I know… I'm not blaming you. It's just so great that you're back. Now go wake him up, the food's going to get cold."
"I tried before. He's having fun playing dead."
I sure am. I wish I were dead.
"Go try again. He's got to eat something!"
A loud creak of the door announced Luke's presence in the room. "Wake up, you dumbass."
No.
He felt the blankets being pulled out from underneath him roughly, and his survival instincts kicked into play as he flailed about to soften the tumble out from his makeshift bed. His eyes shot open angrily, burning as he took in the intense brightness in the room suddenly.
"What the hell?!" Jonathan growled, rage barely boiling in his body.
"Get up and go wash up. You haven't taken a shower since yesterday and you're gonna stink if you sleep any longer. Plus, Hannah got you breakfast so be a nice little shit and enjoy her generosity."
"I don't wanna."
"Jonathan?" Hannah knocked gently on the door, and a pair of hazel eyes peeked through. "I've got you some pancakes and sausages and scrambled eggs. Does that sound good?"
Her voice was insanely soothing and warm – so much that he could not stay annoyed, especially not at her. That damn Luke picked a nice girl.
His stomach betrayed him before he could even speak for himself, and growled loudly. Hannah beamed, dimples forming on her cheeks. "Looks like it sounds great to you. So come eat!"
She ducked back out of the room, humming a tune softly to herself.
Luke rummaged through his drawers, and threw a towel at him finally after a minute. "Hurry up and go clean up. I'm leaving with Hannah after we finish eating, so don't take too long or your food will get cold."
He left the room, shutting the door firmly behind him. Jonathan stood still for a moment, before deciding to strip down to nothing, his body bare as the layers of clothing piled on the ground beneath him. Almost instantly, he felt as though he was much lighter, with a weight taken off his body.
He pushed the bathroom door open, shuffling his feet as he clambered into the bathtub to run a bath. As the water rose to slowly cover every inch of his legs and his torso, he emptied a small handful of soap into the bath, creating little suds across the surface of the tub. A strong, clean scent emanated from the process, and for the first time in an entire day, Jonathan felt like he was clean.
He was like a child all over again, soaking himself in a big tub of bubbles just because he felt like doing so. Yet there was no joy in doing so no longer – as much as he wanted, he could not act like a child in that moment. There was too much weighing him down, and too much on his mind. Most of all, there was a hole in his heart that Evan had so cruelly, yet so unconsciously stabbed.
He shut his eyes and went under, the water rushing quickly above his head and through his hair, catching them in wisps. One with the water. Fluid, always moving.
It was a long time before he resurfaced and washed up, rinsing little white patches of bubbles off his body and his hair. When he was finally finished with his bath and with brushing up, he walked out into the living and dining area, to find it quiet and empty, with only a note left atop on the counter where a small carton lay, lukewarm.
"Jonathan, we're off. Luke says he wants you to be up and running like a normal person in two weeks, so please cheer up, okay? Also, I made you a sweater that I left on the couch. I hope you like it and stay warm! – Hannah"
Jonathan looked towards the couch, where a small brown paper package lay, loosely tied together by a length of coarse string. Untying it, he released a mass of sky blue onto the couch. The fabric was soft and thick, perfect for the coming weather. He made a mental note to thank Hannah personally when he saw her next for the thought of making him a warm sweater in his favorite color.
He unpackaged the food and began to tuck in, wishing he had re-heated the food before he ate. He began to make a list of things for him to do, things for him to busy himself with so that he would think of what was happening – Evan was going to marry Sarah.
The thought of it sent a pang of hurt throbbing through his chest the more he tried to avoid it. It was a demon that haunted him, diabolically tormenting him. I'll get over this, he promised himself, almost half-meaning his words. I'll heal.
An hour later, with the food carton disposed of and the house cleaned, he sat in front of his computer, thinking of what to do for his next video. Countless suggestions had popped up on his comments as well as on his Twitter, but no clear decision could be made.
A Skype notification popped up, interrupting his thoughts.
Vanoss: Are you alright?
He grit his teeth, and typed a quick reply back.
H2ODelirious: Yeah. Why?
Vanoss: You guys never called or messaged after you guys left. I thought you guys never landed back home.
H2ODelirious: We're fine, just too tired to call.
Vanoss: That's good to know. What're you doing now? We're thinking of playing some GMOD.
H2ODelirious: About to record some solo footage. Sorry I can't join you guys.
There was a long pause before Evan's next reply.
Vanoss: Oh. Well, have fun then. We'll play together some other day.
H2ODelirious: You guys have fun too.
He sighed and closed the window, his heart aching. Think of something else, Jonathan. Play something!
He could care less what he played. He simply switched on his Xbox and began to mindlessly scroll through the games, not caring what he played. He just needed to look for a way out from the pain and torment that he suffered, the inching ache in his heart that woke all his demons from his past.
His phone buzzed in the darkness as he lay half-asleep on his bed. How annoying. I'm sleeping, you know.
His phone buzzed again. Annoyed, he sat up and picked his phone up from his nightstand, accepting the call blindly.
"Hello?" He drawled, his voice heavy with sleep.
"Jonathan?" A small voice came from the other line, high and light. Liselle. "Did I wake you?"
"Uh – no," Jonathan replied, straightening up in his bed, his mind suddenly awake. "What's up?"
"Nothing much. I just… wondered if… uh, if you wanted to get dinner maybe tomorrow night? I mean, it's fine if you're busy or if you don't want to –"
"Why not?" Jonathan answered. "I'm free, and I haven't caught up with you in some time."
"Uh, okay. Sure. See you tomorrow night?"
"Yeah. Seeya. I'll pick you up at your place."
The line went silent as they hung up. Jonathan lay back in his bed, sighing deeply. Just as he was spending all that time aching over Evan, he barely knew how he felt about Liselle anymore. She had barely appeared in his thoughts or his dreams, and he did not particularly desire to see her as he had before. Yet – she felt like a breath of fresh air in his moment of torment, something to look forward to in his time of sorrow. It was almost like an old routine – confronting his misery with her.
Time almost flew as he looked forward to their little date, a repetition of the countless 'first dates' after every break-up they had. He had always left the questions until the very last moment, just like that very same day, as he sat in his car outside her apartment, waiting for her to show up, before he thought to himself – what the hell am I doing?
The same thing happened that night, as snow fell lightly across the city, painting the ground with a thin coat of soft white. The sky was dull and cloudy, without any stars visible in the darkness. How unromantic, he thought to himself.
And just like the countless times before, she would appear, more dazzling than ever, and hop into his car joyfully, disrupting all doubts he had mere moments before. Her green eyes sparkled in anticipation, her lips were redder than usual against her skin. Her cheeks were tinged with a soft blush – from the cold, no doubt – and her hair seemed a darker shade of auburn.
"You're looking good today," Jonathan complimented politely as he revved the engine, driving off slowly.
"Thank you," Liselle replied, equally politely.
- That's new, Jonathan thought. This awkwardness is new.
"Uh – I'm actually thinking… shall we do a picnic in the snow tonight?" Jonathan asked. "I mean – the snow's not too heavy, and it seems like a nice night to have an evening picnic."
He watched as surprise blossomed over her features. "That sounds… interesting. You never liked the cold very much."
Jonathan cocked his head. "It isn't that cold tonight."
"I mean – usually at this temperature you'd be whining and begging for us to stay home and have a romantic dinner that you've prepared all by yourself."
"Oh. Right. I kind of got used to eating out while I was in California. I probably need to get back into the habit of cooking."
Her eyes widened further. "You were in California?"
"Yeah… for a couple of weeks. With Luke. Mainly as a holiday and to visit some friends. What do you want to have?" Jonathan asked as he pulled over just outside of a restaurant.
"Uhm," she pondered for a while, looking at a signboard. "A burger would be nice."
He exited the car to make the order, and returned with packages of food in his arms soon after. He started the engine again, and began to drive towards a nearby park. The snow had by then stopped falling, leaving in its wake a small lake of white.
The drive to the park was relatively short. They pulled over once more, the two exiting the car together with their dinner and settled after a moment of looking around on a bench close by the car. They began to unwrap their burgers, and tucked in heartily, a silence falling upon them both once more.
Liselle broke the silence first. "So, uh… how was it like in California?"
"Sunny, as always."
"I meant – like… did you enjoy yourself?"
"Sure."
A small pause, before Liselle started again.
"Were there any… pretty girls?"
"A few, I guess. I didn't really look."
"Oh," Liselle gasped softly. "Why not? People go to California for the beaches and the beautiful people."
"I don't know. It was Luke's idea. Maybe he thought it'd be great to hang out with our friends there for once."
Liselle stared at him, her eyes reflecting a deep thoughtfulness. It was as though she was trying to study him, as though he was someone entirely new. Jonathan tilted his head curiously, and she blinked.
"Oh! Sorry." She whispered. "It's just… you've become so unpredictable ever since the last time I saw you. You've changed so much since then, while I'm sitting here with my life a mess –"
"Liselle," Jonathan interrupted, barely thinking as his intuition egged him on. "I know I've asked this so many times, but I need to know right now."
And he repeated his age-old question to her, the very same question that broke them apart each and every time.
"Do you still love me?"
Her eyes widened for a short moment, before she closed them slowly, as she repeated the very same words that she had answered him with time and again.
"I don't know."
This time, however, the exchange became more. There was something else that Jonathan had to say, there was much less pain, much less pining in those words. Most of all, there was finality – a closure to the very same exchange that had repeated itself so many times.
"Because… I don't know, either," Jonathan murmured.
A silence grew between them both as they looked into each other's eyes, both sharing the same bittersweet feeling that had boiled over from their words.
"You've really changed, Jonathan."
"I… I have."
"Oh, god," Liselle moaned softly. "I don't even know why I decided to call you last night. It's just – my life is a mess. It's always been, and I've always went to you whenever I needed someone to anchor me down. You've been so perfect for that – so perfect at hoisting me back every single time I'm about to drift away. And I feel like a huge bitch every time after that, because I don't know if I truly wanted you back or if I was doing it because –"
"Ssh," Jonathan shushed, as she grew increasingly agitated in her speech. "I know. I figured it out myself. I figured we wouldn't work, and I had to let you go. But you know… it's nice being loved. Or rather, it's nice feeling like you're being loved, even when you're not. And I basked in that, clinging on to a feeling that never existed. I tied you down, Liselle. I should be sorry."
"We're both sorry." Liselle nodded slowly. "And now… this means… we don't ever have a chance again."
"Honestly, I came out here not expecting another chance."
"Jonathan?" Liselle called out softly. "You've been… such a great boyfriend. And I would've really loved to spend the rest of my life with you, but… I think we've smothered whatever love we had out of each other. All that on and off bullshit… we were like a train-wreck bound to happen."
"We were a mess." Jonathan agreed, and bit into his burger once again, bursting into a set of heartfelt giggles almost instantly.
"What?" Liselle eyed him, amused.
"It's gone cold!" He laughed, wiping his eyes.
"It's because of your stupid idea to eat out in the snow!" Liselle mock-punched him in the shoulder as she joined in his laughter. The tension lifted, and something broke between the both of them – a small weight lifted from his shoulders.
After a final forced bite of their food and a clear consensus to return home was made, Jonathan glanced at Liselle thoughtfully. "Liselle?"
"Hm?"
He took her into a tight embrace, devoid of passion, yet full of a friendly warmth.
"Thank you. For this. For helping me move on."
"Thank you, too, for the closure." She gently tore away, and looked him straight in the eye, green piercing blue. "One more thing, though."
Jonathan raised an eyebrow.
"Do me a favor, as a friend. Do something bold. Do something that scares you to get something that you really, really want. I owe you this, a lot. You've spent so much time over the past year trying to keep our relationship going, it's almost as if you've lost a good amount of that craziness that you used to have. So go out there and scare yourself. Be yourself again – because now there's absolutely nothing, not even me, holding you back."
He was in bed again, surrounded by the warmth of his blankets as he stared at his ceiling in the darkness. Liselle's words echoed in his mind endlessly. Do something bold. Do something that scares you to get something that you really, really want.
Liselle, Liselle, Liselle. It's easier said than done. What I want isn't mine. What I want is someone else's, what I want is -
Something in him suddenly twitched to life as he ran through the countless memories of the past few weeks, and his body stiffened. Oh god, not now. This timing is too perfect.
The memories of Evan in every situation swirled in his mind, sending thrills through his body as a small, deviant part of his mind deviously lingered on the more sensual details of their time together – Evan's body against his on the nights that they ended up sleeping together, Evan's muscles against his skin as they came into contact with each other in the pool, Evan's nose pressed gently against his neck, nuzzling away…
Another twitch ran through his body as it began to warm up beneath the blankets. He was beginning to break out into a sweat both from the steaming heat underneath the fabric as well as from the effort to not succumb to his deadliest longings. It was becoming increasingly difficult to keep his hands tied down at his sides, and insanely difficult to stop his deprived body from responding to his treacherous thoughts. His heart was beating faster and faster, anticipation and adrenaline shooting through his appendages.
Jonathan fought the itch painfully, gripping his sheets tightly for support. It had been way too long, far too long since he had even experienced the slightest taste of satisfaction. Months since he had touched someone in an intimate manner. His body desired an outlet for release – yet his mind protested furiously at the way the release was begging to be channeled. I can't. I can't. I can't. Evan is Sarah's. I've got to move on from him.
The small, diabolical part of his mind decided to dangle a carrot in front of him, putting food in front of his hungry body. An odd distortion of a memory appeared – his memory of his first kiss with Nick. What changed, however, was that Evan was in Nick's place. Evan's lips were on his, wet and hot. Evan's hands ran up under his shirt, his long, sturdy fingers against the sensitive skin on his back, stroking tiny patterns into it. He hissed, and a small flick of the tongue threatened to push him straight over the edge and break his willpower.
His legs grew apart, his heels digging into the bed as he writhed painfully about, yearning for a touch. His hips rose slightly, gently pushing against the mound of blankets that covered his body, sending sharp, yet small tingles of electricity rolling through his body. A frown began to form upon his face, and his breathing became labored from need.
"Hnngh…"
A soft, desperate whine escaped his lips as he began to chew on his lower lip, sending blood shooting throughout the skin. Through the haze in his mind, it began to dawn upon him that he was fighting a losing battle, that at any point of time, his willpower would shatter, and his hands would wander towards the darkness –
His phone buzzed noisily on his nightstand, the rattling breaking through the haze in his mind. His body stilled in alarm, and he collapsed back into bed, panting slightly as he tried to re-adjust himself and steady his heart.
He unlocked his phone, answering the call as his breath came in short, uneven sets.
"Hey." Evan's voice rang out from the other end. The timing couldn't be more perfect.
"Hey," Jonathan responded, still slightly short of breath.
"You sound like you just came back from a run. That or you just did something I don't want to know about." Evan teased.
"Shut up."
"Who's the lucky guy?" He joked, and upon hearing a low growl from Jonathan, he responded, "Okay, I'm kidding!"
Jonathan sighed, his mind still recalling the events of mere moments ago, and he felt a throbbing feeling about his body.
"Uh, look," Evan began again. "I need to know for sure – are you okay, dude? We haven't played together in ages, and you apparently you haven't spoken to the rest of the guys as well."
"I had to catch up with my Let's Plays. Nothing much. I'm fine."
"And you sound all weird in your Let's Plays. Like you're trying really hard to keep up."
"Oh, you actually watch them? That's a surprise." Jonathan ribbed.
"Pfft. Maybe. Look, you've got to tell us if you're not okay, alright? We're your friends. We'll help you in any way we can."
"Hmm. I don't think you can. Most of you guys don't even know how I look like. Besides, I can fix my own problems, if I even had any."
"If you say so. At least answer your messages, okay? This way, we know you're fine. Anyway, before you pack your schedule with your Let's Play shit, I'm booking the entire of your next week before Christmas, okay? We've got to record some Christmas stuff together, the whole crew. So don't say you're busy."
"Alright. I'm busy."
"Damn it, Jonathan," Evan growled playfully. "Busy with our stuff. Okay?"
"Oh-kaaaaay."
"One more thing. Uhm…I know it's been a running thing in your videos, but what do you really think about teddy bears?"
Jonathan raised an eyebrow at nothing in the darkness. "They're adorable. And soft." And I used to have gazillions of them on my bed that I cuddled to sleep. Not to mention that I'm wearing teddy bear boxer briefs right now and I have a pair of teddy bear sweatpants in the wardrobe.
"Hmm. Alright. Just asking." Evan dismissed the topic brusquely. "I'll – uh – let you get back to what you were doing. Remember about next week, okay?"
"Sure."
The line went dead, and Jonathan lay his phone back on the nightstand. How timely. At least it saved my life.
Even then, his body still stirred under the control of his mind. If he wasn't careful, he would simply break and his desires would overpower him. He would've been comfortable with it if it was about anybody else – even if it was a faceless man that he barely knew. He would have gladly enjoyed the experience, and allowed his body to lose control, to writhe and tremble pleasurably as he sent himself to the gates of heaven and back with the thoughts of hot skin against his, with lips kissing and teeth gently nibbling away at all the sensitive little areas that he had on his body. He would have allowed himself to be happy, and he would have allowed himself to lose control, scream inexplicable things as he went into a state of delirium from the joy his body felt.
Except for the fact that the man on his mind was Evan. The man that he was trying to move on from, the man he was trying to forget that he ever had feelings for. The man he so desperately tried to retain a friendship with.
The unattainable man he never expected to fall in love with.
I'm back! I've finally cleared up some things and I'm slowly pulling myself back into the writing process. I'm so sorry if this chapter is far shorter than the previous ones - a nice amount of it was written while I was busy. I do promise that the next chapter would be much longer, since I've planned out quite a bit for the next chapter. The next chapter is also going to be quite intense, but I'm not going to give away much. Either way, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter (as well as me teasing a bit of Jonathan sexiness. I'm sorry! D:).
- del-min