Feb 26th, 1990
Dear Diary,
I'm so nervous. I've been practicing, but I just can't master this damn guitar. Tonight's my 3rd performance at the Bluebird. Watty hasn't been able to find a guitarist for me, and he can't make it tonight. I'm really on my own. Really wish Watty could be there. Maybe I should just cancel? I hate to do that. I know Watty has pulled a lot of strings to get me a spot there. He'd be so disappointed, and I'm afraid I might not be asked back if I cancel so close to show time.
At times like this I ask myself "What would mama do?" I know she'd never cancel a show. I only remember her ever cancelling one show. It was the day grandma died. I miss them both so much. Daddy doesn't understand anything about music, and Tandy isn't much better. I feel so alone when it comes to my hopes and dreams. No one understands or supports me. I'm not sure what I would do without Watty. I think mama might have asked him to look out for me before she died.
Daddy never supported her career in music either. If he'd had his way, she have been a stay at home mom, country club type. He thought she should forget music and support his career. I listened to so many fights between them. He always wanted her by his side for boring business dinners, fundraisers, and political affairs. She tried when she was home, and not touring, but she hated every second at the country club.
The last few times she was home, she seemed so unhappy. They always fought, but towards the end it seemed that's all they did. Daddy had been more upset than usual with mama's time away from home. Instead of enjoying her time at home, he made her miserable with demands to quit touring and threats about what he'd do if she didn't.
One of the last things she said to me was "Never let anyone destroy your dreams. If you want it, work for it until it happens. You and only you are in charge of your dreams."
"Hey, Deke….DEKE?" Vince yelled from the balcony of their 2nd floor apartment
"WHAT? I'm kinda busy here, Vince! What the hell do ya want?" Deacon irritatedly asked from under the hood of his old truck
"Phones for you!" Vince quipped waving the cordless phone
"TAKE A DAMN MESSAGE! I GOTTA WORK IN AN HOUR. I NEED TO FINISH THE TRUCK!" Deacon yelled, his irritation with Vince growing
"I thought you were off tonight?" Vince asked as he lounged on the couch in his underwear, 40 minutes later when a grease covered Deacon came in
"I was, but Sarah asked me to cover the bar at the Bluebird tonight. Jerry called in sick, and we need the money. Rent's due in a couple days, and we don't got it!"
"I gave you all I had, Deke!" Vince tried to pacify and irritated Deacon
"Yeah, 50 bucks! Rent's 300, Vince!" Deacon snapped as he stripped off his greasy clothes, looking around for something clean enough to wear to work
"I thought we were good for rent." Vince innocently asked
"That was before the goddamn water pump went out on the truck. Cost me damn near 100 bucks to buy one and do the work myself, which you coulda got off your ass and helped with. You use the truck as much as me, you know!"
"Sorry, man! You shoulda woke me up."
"I tried! Shouldn't you be gettin ready for your shift at Jack's? I'm leavin in 5. If you wanna ride, be ready."
"uuhhhh…. Yeah, bout that…I got fired!"
"GODDAMMIT VINCE, AGAIN? I can't afford to support your ass. You said you'd help me out when ya moved in here. So far all you've done is drink my beer and lay round here in your underwear."
"Sorry man. I'll get another job. I'll call mom and see if she can send me some money to help out a little in the meantime."
"I gotta go. Gonna be late."
"Oh, hey…Deke…Watty wants you to call him as soon as you can." Vince called after Deacon as he left the apartment
Not much was going on at the Bluebird as Deacon joined Sarah behind the bar. It was only 4pm, and just a few regulars were belly to the bar.
"Thanks so much for takin Jerry's shift, Deacon." Sarah said as she rushed back to the office to catch up deposits and paperwork
"No problem. I could use the cash." Deacon responded as he refreshed an old man's drink
As he finished washing some glasses he remembered Watty's call
"Hey, Wat…Vince said you called?" Deacon said into the phone behind the bar
"Yeah…How have you been, Deke?"
"Can't complain. So, I won't. Just picked up an extra shift behind the bar tonight. You comin by tonight?" Deacon asked
"No, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Deacon. Remember the little gal I told you about, Rayna? Needs a guitar player?" Watty asked
"uuhhh..yeah, Watty. I listened to her couple weeks ago. You're right. She's real good, but I don't think it's my kinda gig, ya know."
"I understand and I'm lookin for somebody else, but I'm kinda stuck tonight. She's doin a few songs. I can't be there. Could you help her out just tonight? I'd consider it a personal favor."
"I dunno, Wat. I'm behind the bar. Not sure I can get away."
"It's 3 songs, 15 minutes tops. Could you just ask Sarah or one of the waitresses to cover the bar for just 15 minutes? There's 50 bucks in it for ya. Easy money, Deke. Just tonight?"
"OK, yeah…I'll see what I can do, Wat." Deacon reluctantly agreed
She caught his eye the second she walked in. Her red locks gently bouncing off her shoulders. She wore a white form fitting sweater dress along with a different pair of white lucchese boots. She was clumsily carrying and old beat up guitar case. Deacon was mesmerized again as he studied her every move from behind the bar.
"Are you Deacon?" she asked catching him off guard. He'd turned his attention to a large drink order and hadn't noticed as she approached the bar
"uuhhhh…yeah…you're Rayna, right?" he nervously smiled
"Yeah…Watty said you might be able to help me out tonight?" She seemed to be studying him. He suddenly wished he'd cleaned up a little better, and maybe done laundry this week, rather than plucking clothes that looked half way clean from the apartment floor.
"OK, yeah…let me get my boss to cover the bar for a little bit."
"Watty said you can pretty much play anything pretty quick with little practice." Rayna said handing Deacon the score sheets from her guitar case
"That's true, but I need to borrow your guitar if that's OK? I hadn't planned on handlin much besides beer bottles and shot glasses tonight. I don't have my martin with me." Deacon nervously washed his hands trying to remove all the grease from under his nails
"Yeah, OK, sure…just be careful. It was my mama's. It meant a lot to her, and I've never let anyone touch it…" Rayna teared up a little
"Hey…I'm sure one of the guys has one I could borrow if you'd rather I didn't touch it. I didn't mean to…" Deacon tried to smile noticing he'd upset her
"No, it's OK, really. She's been gone 5 years. It's just still hard ya know."
"I'll be careful. I can handle a guitar, sweetheart. Wow…this is really outta tune. Do you mind if I make some adjustments?" Deacon asked as he gently tuned the old Gibson
"I didn't get my mama's guitar playin skills. I actually don't have a clue how to get the thing in tune."
"Explains a lot." Deacon quipped a little more sarcastically than he'd meant
"Well, I didn't think I was THAT bad." Rayna snapped a little hurt
"You should probably just stick to singin." Deacon tried to joke with her, but she took it wrong and became defensive
"…and what makes YOU so great, Deacon?" she snapped
"Nothin, look, I didn't mean nothin by it…I just….from what I heard a couple weeks back, guitar playin isn't your thing and that's fine. Watty is great. He'll fix you up with somebody to do that for ya."
"…and why don't you want the job? There aren't too many Deacon's. You must be the guy he originally had in mind, right?" she asked accusingly
"I dunno. He asked, yeah…maybe I'm the Deacon he had in mind."
"Is there a reason you said no?"
"I just don't think we're a good fit. That's all. It's nothin personal."
"You've never even tried. You never met me until tonight. How do you know were not a good fit?"
"Like I said…I just don't get the feelin were a good match. Nothin personal. I'll help ya out tonight, OK?"
"Don't bother. I'll just do it myself." She grabbed the guitar before Deacon could react
"FINE! I don't need this shit. THIS is why I said NO, by the way."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're all worked up over nothin. Too damn much maintenance required. I don't need it. I'm sure your daddy can afford the best of the best. Nashville is full of decent guitarists lookin for work. I bet one of em is a much better fit for you than me."
"Watty said you were the best."
"Yeah, well…maybe I am, and maybe I aint. Money can't buy everything, sweetheart. There aint enough money to make this worth it."
"So this is about money?"
"Not exactly. This is bout a spoiled little rich girl, that probably never had to work a day in her life, that's used to gettin what she wants. I don't drive a BMW, or own a different pair of expensive boots for every day of the week. I barely get by. You probably don't have a clue what that means, or how livin paycheck to paycheck feels."
"What the hell does that have to do with you playin guitar for me a couple times a month? You don't know anything about me, Deacon! Just cause my dad has money doesn't mean I get a free ride. I'm tryin just as hard as anybody to make it in country music. What would you know about that? You're what 4 or 5 years older than me and still playin in small bars, goin nowhere? If you're so great why haven't you made anything of a music career?"
"You know for needin a favor, you sure as hell aren't very grateful!" Deacon snapped as he left the back room
Rayna really wasn't even sure why she was so flustered. How could this guy she barely knew get under her skin the way he had. She took a few deep breaths and tried to remember everything her mama had ever told her about putting whatever was going on in her life aside, and putting everything into a performance.
"I'll show Deacon Claybourne I don't need him." She reassured herself as she took her seat alone in the writers round