Thank you guys for the positive feedback last chapter. It was such an amazing lift.
Trigger warning this chapter... Kind of a general one. But I want to give a heads up.
As always, I don't own TWD. Please enjoy.
It had been dark when they reached the grocery store that evening. Rick had begged Beth not to go in, he knew it wasn't safe, but more importantly, knew what she would find. She of course ignored him with a scowl on her face and had pushed him away when he had reluctantly tried to help her boost her up to the window, instead opting to struggle up herself, scratching her arms and legs against the brick. Her face had been stone in the dark, not reacting to the smell of composing flesh. Rick watched her carefully as she walked over to where what had once been Daryl Dixon lay. A far cry from the weeping girl that had left him, she had only stared at his mangled corpse before silently sitting next to it.
He had considered going over there himself, but knew he would not be welcome. Best case scenario, she wanted to be alone with the man she had shared everything with, her best friend. Worst case…. She blamed Rick.
Rick blamed himself. Since they had been together, Beth had been sexually assaulted, lost the remind of their- of Judith, lost her best friend. How much of this was actually Rick's fault, he was unsure. But he was the one who had left Daryl's body behind. He knew it had been the right choice, neither of them would be here right now, but looking at the angry Beth… he wasn't so sure she felt the same way.
He watched her in silence as she threaded her fingers through Daryl's cold ones. In the dark he could barely make it out, but her lips were moving. She was talking to him. Rick groaned inwardly. He had been here before. He had said everything to Lori he has always wanted to. Things he hadn't had the guts to say to her face, things he had wished dreadfully to say before she'd taken her last breath. He wondered casually what Beth was saying to Daryl.
He felt that jealousy bubble in his stomach again, and its presence he tried to chuckle it away. Daryl was gay, it didn't matter. Nothing ever happened between them, and nothing ever would have. But watching Beth again rely on Daryl's strength and not his own, made him ache for her. Rick wanted it to be her little hand in his own. Her head rested on his shoulder, her soft voice whispering her fears to him, not Daryl. Again, Rick tried to laugh these thoughts away. There was a pang of guilt at being jealous of the man who was his brother. He was gone, after all, and here Rick was wishing it was him instead.
He heard Beth sniffle quietly and his heart broke.
At least she was crying, at least she was letting it out, he told himself. This was the first step towards healing, letting it out. Rick hadn't for days, so she was already doing better than he had, he thought ruefully. He had opted to talk to dead people on a phone and single handedly clear an entire cell block violently and recklessly.
Thank God she wasn't him.
/
Beth could smell the stench, of course she could, but she didn't care. She hid her instinctual revulsion when she touched his gray hand and it was cold. She pretended not to notice that his hand was one of the few things he had left. She had taken a grocery bag of all things, and covered his middle, the bit that the walkers had eaten out. At least it hadn't been all of him, she told herself. And if she moved his hair just so, you could barely notice the knife entry wound, where Rick had put him down.
Beth was good at lying to herself.
Still, she settled in next to Daryl, and pretended she found some warmth and comfort by it. She fiddled with his fingers, as if they'd always held hands. Of course they hadn't. There had been moments, after somebody died, or it was dark, that Beth had reached for him. And then, of course, when Daryl was dying they had touched. But Daryl wasn't known for being extremely touchy, and that barely changed even with her. Still, tonight, she craved that touch, even if it was cold.
Beth of course also saw Rick sitting across the room, illuminated by the moon, watching her, but she didn't care. She wanted to blame him for all of this, every second, but she couldn't. She might be angry and hurting, but she wasn't irrational. She knew he was looking out for her. She remembered all of it, despite what he might think. She remembered him holding her after Daryl died, and him making those lanterns. She remembered him holding her at night… bathing her when she was in shock. She even remembered that moment before everything went to hell. She thought, maybe, it looked like he wanted to kiss her.
She shuddered. She couldn't think about that right now.
Beth started talking, whispering nonsense to clear her head.
"Daryl, I'm scared. I know you said not to be, but I am. I can't help it. But I don't even know what I'm scared of. There's lots of choices of course, it is an apocalypse after all." She smiled to herself.
"Still, I'm safe, Rick's takin' care of me. I know you told him to, I remember. Joe and that group are gone, I'm safe." She paused, aware she was repeating herself.
"I'm safe." She said again, trying to reassure herself. Beth's breathing became labored and she winced as she felt the tears well up in her eyes. She didn't feel safe. Every time she closed her eyes she saw his eyes narrowed on her. Other times she would feel fine, and then she would feel his hands on her, his kisses on her skin. She wanted to tear off her flesh with her fingernails.
It was true that Beth was desperate to find Carl and Michonne, but not for the reasons Rick thought. Beth was going to leave once they had. She was going to walk straight into a herd. Or maybe just end it herself. She hadn't decided yet. All she knew was that she couldn't live like this. She had considered doing it just this morning, but didn't have the heart to abandon Rick. He would survive, of course, but she was the better hunter, and the better tracker. Leaving him would mean more or less letting him go without his family. She didn't want to do that to him. Her failings, her… tainted self, weren't his fault. She wouldn't punish him for it. She would help him find his son, and Michonne, and then she would sneak off. And that would be that.
"I'll see you soon Daryl. It won't be long now. When the sun's up, I'll start looking for tracks, I'll find them, just like you taught me."
I also taught you not to give up.
His voice entered her mind, unwelcome and unbidden. She shook it off.
"I'm not givin' up Daryl. I'm givin' in. I'm ready. I'm tired of fighting. Walkers are one thing, you taught me how to fight those. You didn't teach me how to… how to live with this. So I'm just not gonna." She finished, as the tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Just hold me, alright? You can yell at me later." She snuggled up to Daryl's body, although it provided no warmth. Beth's eyes felt heavy, but she fought it for as long as she could. She watched Rick across the room, her eyes narrowed on him, as his head drooped forward, only to snap back up towards her. He was clearly fighting rest as well. Stupid, Beth thought, as sleep's pull tugged ever harder at her. What's he got to be afraid of?
/
Rick woke up to the screaming. His brain shook to attention, firing on all cylinders immediately. He didn't have to try and find the source; he knew it was Beth instinctively. He pushed through the darkness towards her, his eyes still clouded from rest. He crawled on his knees, dizzy from the lack of food and rest, to find her. Her body was burning, and his hands clasping around her seemed to only make her scream louder. He gently shook her, his hands combing through her hair, gentle shushing pouring from his lips as he urged her to wake.
The screaming stopped when her eyes flew open, but it was only replaced with her gasping for air. Rick felt the sweat pouring from her, bleeding into him, and her nails were digging into the arms he had wrapped around her. She wheezed and gasped, searching, begging for air, and he pulled her flush against him. He put his hand flat against her chest, breathing deeply, trying to help her regulate her air.
He said nothing at first, didn't know what to say. Sleep still held most of his senses, only fear and protectiveness remained. He felt her chest shake as she struggled to let air back into her lungs. She turned and looked at him, and her eyes made Rick's heart clench. There was nothing there but fear. He pulled her close to him and began whispering frantically to her.
Breathe for me sweetheart please.
Deep breaths, you are strong.
I am so proud of you Beth. So proud. You are so strong you are going to overcome this.
You're my hero, my inspiration If I could be half as strong as your are, I could do anything.
You've got to breathe for me darling.
I know its tough, but you are a beautiful human being. You're growing, you're changing. You're not done who becoming the person you will become, not by a long shot.
Don't give up on yourself. That can't happen, not while I'm around.
Anybody that can make someone else this happy has a hell of a lot going for themselves.
You will overcome this. One breath at at time.
Rick was rambling, he knew it. He could hear the words tumbling out, and they were all true but he had no control over them. He didn't care, because breath was getting into Beth's lungs. She was no longer gasping. Rick could feel her heart rate slowing, as he continued to whisper every beautiful thing he could think of about her. His arms around her didn't loosen, even as her grip on his shirt did.
He felt his shirt saturate with her tears, and he just pulled her closer, while he whispered.
You can cry, it's okay to cry. You're not weak, you're strong.
People like you… People as kind and beautiful as you are, they don't end up alone and miserable and hurt like this.
I don't know how, or when, but we'll figure this out together. We'll make a new path for you.
One problem at a time. Baby steps. But you'll get there.
And that, Beth, is what's real.
Beth finally looked up at him again, after what felt like hours of Rick pleading into the night. Her eyes were swollen and red from the tears. The fear wasn't gone, no, it was still prevalent, fighting for superiority in her eyes. But there were other things there now. Fear yes, and confusion- but also something Rick had feared he'd never see again.
Hope.
This chapter is wildly personal for me, as I suffer from PTSD myself, and frequent nightmares. Some of these things are direct quotes from people who have helped me along the way. So if it sounds fake, I promise it isn't, haha. It just happened to work well that Rick got some of his feelings off his chest, and its helping Beth through.
That's what this story is, at its heart. This world sucks. People die, Shit happens. But these two are going to lift each other up and help each other fight through it. Spoiler alert, I guess, haha. I just think there's something beautiful about finding that little spot of light in the darkness. That tiny ray of sunshine. I need to shut up, I'm rambling!
I did want to thank those of you who went and read my little one-shot. Its so wildly different in tone from this, it was fun for me to write. I do have plans to expand that universe, so go leave a review! :P
As always I appreciate any reviews you want to throw my way for this story, and your thoughts. Thank you all!