"Did your brother ever tell you why he mentioned the hockey camp?" Craig asked as he taped up another box.
"I tried to ask," Evan answered. "Asshole was still being vague about it, but I think I've gotten the gist of it."
"Uh-huh?"
"I met a kid that I got really close to for a period of time there. Like… abnormally close. Of course, I didn't think of it that way at the time. Kid moved away with his brother after some time, and I just moved on."
"How abnormal?" Craig pressed, grinning to himself.
"Ugh. Like… showers together and stuff like that. I don't want to think about it."
"Bet he must've looked like a small Delirious." Craig laughed softly. Evan shot him a dark look.
"What?" Craig retorted. "It's just a wild guess. Somehow that guy is hitting all your buttons and you happened to have had the gayest friendship on the planet with a guy just as you were discovering yourself."
"I said I don't want to think about it, man. That was all in the past. From thereon it's been girlfriends."
"Except now." Craig pointed out. "The way I see it, you've always kind of liked men physically. Not as much as you like women, but Delirious hits all your buttons – he's cute, crazy, has a sexy-ass tattoo and he knows you inside out. You love that, and that's got to come from somewhere."
Evan fell silent, and silently taped up a final box, his way of acknowledging Craig's words. His time and friendship with Timmy had been short, but somehow, once Derek put him to thinking about it, he couldn't help but feel as though little Timmy had everything to do with his attraction towards his best friend. There would be moments where the boy would be so absolutely vulnerable that Evan felt the need to protect him from all of the world's woes, to go closer to him than any regular friendship would allow. There would be stolen glances at a body that was not his, and a strange sort of joy and pleasure that arose from that – a feeling that he had learnt to suppress very well especially around his teammates. Was I already in love with men back then?
"Either way," Craig continued, interrupting his thoughts. "It's great to have you back here. I'm sure Canada was a blast, but I've really missed having you here."
"Don't get your hopes up, man, I came back just to move out. I can't live here – well, at least not in this apartment anymore. Not while I can feel her here." Evan sighed softly, and settled himself on the ground where the sofa once was. "Sometimes I really miss her."
"Do me a favor, dude. Keep a rough count of how many times you think about Sarah, and then another count of how many times you think about Jonathan." Craig challenged, annoyance coloring his tone. "You'll be surprised. Anyway, if we're done, I want a good night down at a bar with my buddy before you run off elsewhere and I take off for the UK after PAX."
Evan blinked at him, confused. "You're going back to the UK?"
Craig rolled his eyes at him. "I said it multiple times before, Evan. Both in the group chat and to you but you were too busy thinking about Jonathan to care. Can we go now?"
The bar was packed, almost too packed for the time of the year. It became clear within moments that there was a sort of bachelorette party going on, with countless women by the bar, carrying multiple glasses of drinks over to tables in one corner of the bar, where another woman was being cheered on loudly by her friends as she downed another glass of alcohol. The two struggled to squeeze through the bar.
When they finally got themselves some beers and settled themselves down in another, quieter corner of the bar, they toasted each other.
"To life and love."
"To life and love," Evan repeated, and took a nice, yet hesitant sip of his beer.
"Oh, man," Craig moaned. "It's been so long since I hung out with you and had a good drink. I'll miss it more when I go back."
"Yeah, I kinda missed this too." Evan replied distractedly. He hadn't had a proper drink of alcohol ever since the time at the beach house months ago, with Luke grumbling by the poolside and him, Craig and Jonathan acting like silly drunkards. It was possibly the only time he had truly let himself go ever since he had seen Jonathan for the first time, and the one time that he had gotten incredibly close to the man. It hit him then that his mind was wandering towards Jonathan already, barely an hour since Craig challenged him to keep track. One.
He saw Craig smirk at him. "What?"
"That's one for Delirious, isn't it?" The damn smirk on his face grew.
"How the…"
"You had the dumbest look on your face, for goodness' sake. The same damn look whenever you thought of him back at the beach house, like you were really spaced out and focusing on only one thing in the world. I didn't quite realize what it was until Luke pointed out to me where you were looking half the time."
Evan almost couldn't breathe. "How… how obvious was it?"
Craig knit his brows together, thinking. "Not quite at first. Somewhat once you start noticing. Very since we know you well."
Damn. No wonder Sarah was on the edge. Oh, one.
"Tell me something, though." Evan began, changing the subject to the next topic on his mind. "I'm kind of worried about… about him. I haven't heard anything from him or from you guys about him for the past few months." Two for him.
"Oh, uh. Nothing much. Luke says he's a little better. He should be getting his casts taken out soon."
He watched as the color drained slightly from Craig's face, almost as though he was holding back a barrage of information. He wanted to ask a lot more, but not before Craig excused himself suddenly to go to the bathroom. He stood quickly and violently, walking headfirst into an extremely familiar head of long, light brown hair. The impact sent a drink spilling all across Craig's front as well as onto their table.
"Oh, god, watch where you're go-" She stopped in her tracks as her wide grey eyes met Craig's.
"…Craig?" She whispered, and whipped around to look at Evan. "Evan?"
Evan cautiously met her eyes, brown on grey. "Uh. Hi. Long time no see, Sarah."
Craig blinked furiously, and quickly excused himself from their presence, his shirt dripping wet.
"May I?" Sarah motioned to Craig's seat, and settled herself down as Evan nodded. "So, it's been…what, two months now? How have you been?"
"Slowly getting better," Evan answered, feeling the tension in the air coursing through him with every breath he took. "What brings you here?"
"I could ask you the same. Friend of mine is having her bachelorette party here. Wandered away because I think I'll pass out if I have another glass of martini." She giggled, the flush in her cheeks more evident than ever.
"Is that why you'll still talk to me?" Evan asked cautiously. "I thought you'd still hate me."
He peeked over to the other corner of the bar, where the bachelorette party was centered around. That could've been her, he thought to himself. She could've been celebrating her last night of her unmarried life here with all her friends around her.
"Maybe," She laughed further. "The alcohol sure is helping, but believe me, Evan, I've moved on. No matter how much it hurts or sucks, I've got to. My friends have been helping me out so much with that, and there's no way I'm going to let their efforts go to waste just because you magically appear back in L.A. But enough about me. How are you and Jonathan?"
"He's… fine, I think. I don't know." Evan paused, taking a long sip of his beer and allowing the alcohol to burn through his insides. "I think he hates me, now."
"Really, Evan?" She cocked an eyebrow. "Loosen up a bit, geez. If I don't hate you after all that I've been through, he doesn't, either. I lost the most perfect man on the planet that I already had, you know."
She looked around, and snuck a drink of a passing tray playfully, taking a large gulp as she settled back down. "God, stop being so perfect, Evan. That's what broke us up."
She hiccoughed slightly, before she continued, her words beginning to slur. "Do you know how perfect you are? God, I spent so much time trying to keep up I think I lost myself in the act of being one half of the 'perfect couple'. I didn't even know who I was anymore, Evan."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be! You're making it so difficult for me. Oh, goodness. I spent a good amount of time trying to paint you as a despicable liar and a loser in my head, but truth is, you aren't. You're so perfect, so flawless and that's what's wrong with you. It's disgusting. Then I saw how Belinda – that's her getting married tomorrow – and her fiancé were like. No expectations to live up to, just two people happy to be themselves, happy to be with each other. You and I were like a nightmare in comparison."
A cheer erupted from the other corner of the bar, and a lady whom Evan presumed was the bride-to-be stood up and clambered on top of her seat, flailing her arms about wildly as she danced to an unknown beat.
"Just look at her," Sarah crooned. "Unrestrained. She's going to do so many things and say so many things she's going to end up regretting. She's going to get a hangover tomorrow morning and look like an absolute mess but she doesn't care. It's her day, and she's taking over it. I can't do that. Not with you. Not when you're this absolutely perfect freak that I have to keep up with."
"I'm a damn loser, Sarah, and you know it. It's why you dumped me." Evan asserted miserably. "Look at me! I couldn't admit that I liked a guy. I couldn't admit the smallest hint of bisexuality. I couldn't admit that I had issues, insecurities. And I gave up a woman that could've made my world perfect."
Sarah scoffed. "You didn't. I dumped you, Evan, not the other way around. I gave up the man who could've made my world perfect. But you know what, Evan? Perfection doesn't exist. You showed me that. You were everything that was perfect, and you destroyed that image I had of you in one go. So you know what? I don't need you. I don't need perfection. Somewhere out there, there's going to be someone that shines brighter than you. Or maybe I don't even need anyone at all."
She took a sip from her drink again. "So you know what? Maybe you're a loser. The perfect loser. And I'm the stupidest woman on Earth to have fallen for that façade." She raised her glass to him, as if in a toast.
"Cheers, Evan. To finding our true selves again. To being losers. To being idiots."
Evan hesitated, before he raised his beer bottle, their glasses clinking loudly upon contact. He drank, downing the remaining contents of the bottle in one go. Sarah's reappearance in his life was a shock to his system, yet her words provided him with the closure he needed. He was a regular man, imperfect, losing in his attempt to be absolutely flawless. In the end, he was just a normal person. A person that was starting a whole new journey in his life after going nowhere with his first.
"How wasted are you ladies intending to get?" Evan asked.
"Very. As much as possible. Why?"
"If Craig's fine with it, I'm thinking of doing that, myself. It's been so long since I did."
Sarah smirked. "You've changed, haven't you? Trying to make yourself a public nuisance now?"
"You've changed, too. So it's time I started."
She smiled a brilliant smile at him, one that never failed to stun him. "Evan, listen. Well, listen before the alcohol kicks in for the both of us and I pass out while you forget what I say. Whatever happens, whatever happens between you and Jonathan, always remember this – rule number one of the heart, never lie. Not to yourself, or to him, or anybody. Always be yourself, and true to yourself. Be perfectly imperfect. Whatever it is, the best people will love you for who you are and who you always will be."
When another bottle of beer came his way, they toasted once more, the beginning of a long, insane night of drinking, partying, spouting incomprehensible nonsense – the perfect send-off to a past that they were all happy to leave behind and a welcome to a future that awaited them.
The sky was clear, a beautiful, soft shade of light sky blue. The sun had hid itself behind countless clouds, and a cold breeze blew as each wave of the sea crashed in gently, making a soft, calming rustle against the relative silence of the beach.
Jonathan sat atop a tall rock – the very same he used to sit on when he was a child, whenever he wanted to watch the people swimming or the waves crash in as it always did. The water kept him calm, it was like a momentary solace in the never-ending fluster that filled his life. There was a serene beauty in the deep blue stretched out towards the horizon before him. Not many people came to the beach in the early portions of the year what with the cold, and the relative lack of people provided him with the quiet that he needed so much.
Months had passed since the attack. Months had passed since Evan had left him. A little more than a month had passed since he broke down like a little baby and cried in front of Luke, Hannah and Jenn. In the time that had passed, he had stitches taken out of his body and casts taken off. There was no longer a weight on his body like he had before, yet a weight still lingered on his mind, hanging over him.
"I'm sorry, Jonathan. It can't be this way. It's not you. It can never be you."
He sighed softly into the wind, a small cloud of smoky vapor puffing out from his lips. He did not hate Evan, neither did he blame Evan for what had happened. Perhaps Evan hated him – he could live with that. But no matter how much his heart ached, how much he loved Evan deeply, the fact was that he had been rejected by the man. Evan did not want him – not as a potential lover. And he hated himself for that.
Everybody had told him it wasn't his fault. He understood that he did nothing wrong. He understood it all perfectly, but he still hated himself. He hated his life, and how nothing ever seemed to go his way. At least, nothing in his love life ever did. It was almost as though his love story was written to be a tragedy. Bitterly, he picked up a few small pebbles by his side and chucked it at the sea, watching ripples form on the surface of the deep blue water as another wave crashed in.
What else was there left for him to do but to pretend that nothing happened, and that he was just a friend to the man that he loved so dearly? It would fix every single thing. Evan could go back to his own life of perfection, and whatever had separated them for months would cease to exist. They would just be friends, just like how they had started out. It would break his heart, but it would make Evan's whole.
"Thinkin' about that perfect man?" Luke called out as he settled down beside him on the rock. He handed Jonathan a bottle of water, which he accepted readily.
"How do you even know such things?" Jonathan murmured after swallowing a mouthful of cool water.
"You had that spaced-out look on your face that you have whenever you think of him." Luke explained, laughing as Jonathan consciously reached towards his face in response.
"Is it bad if I still think he hates me?" His voice was but a soft tinkle in the wind. "I know it's not my fault… but… he lost all he had because of me. He could've been married to Sarah by now, but I ruined it for him."
"You didn't ruin anything for him. Just like how you didn't ruin anything for me and Jenn back then, either." Luke stretched out his legs and looked up at the sky above them. "He didn't cheat on Sarah with you, and all you did was to love him. How is that your fault?"
"Even if he didn't hate me… he doesn't want me. He made it very clear when he left." He stretched out his legs as well and lay back his body against the rock, staring at the clouds above.
"Chances are, he didn't mean it. And even if he did, you'll just have to move on. It's the story of everyone. Just like how you thought Nick was everything back then – and then you still moved on. There's no use wastin' your time and your life pining away when you can do better things. And even if you are going to, you can't, because eventually, you'll move on without knowing it. That's life."
"It never really felt like I ever moved on completely from Nick, Luke." Jonathan warned darkly. I still have dreams of him every now and then.
Luke glanced down at Jonathan. "Whatever it is, you've got to move on this time, whatever Evan really feels about you. I don't ever want to lose you to the demons again, Jonathan."
The two men exchanged a momentary tender look, before Luke looked away, into the horizon, and took a deep breath, and let out a soulful howl towards the sea. The howl subsided into nothingness, and Luke caught his breath, panting.
"That was a good load off the chest." He murmured. "You try it."
"What? I – I don't…" Jonathan protested quietly.
"Try it. Scream 'Eric sucks' or something. Or 'Go to hell, Eric!'."
"Luke, I can't." Jonathan protested. "It's not going to –"
"GO TO HELL, ERIC! YOU SUCK!" Luke yelled over Jonathan's soft protests. "Come on, Jonathan."
Jonathan sighed, and sat up to face the sea. He took a small breath, and barely screamed. "Go to hell, Eric. You suck!"
"Louder! Like you mean it."
"GO TO HELL, ERIC!" Jonathan suddenly hollered, feeling the air push itself out from the depths of his chest. "YOU SUCK!"
Luke was right. Almost instantaneously he felt a load being lifted off his chest. There was a strange sort of comfort to dishing out his pain like that, and he embraced it with another heartfelt yell to the waters.
"See?" Luke grinned at him. "It's so much better, isn't it?"
Jonathan nodded. The ease in his chest was undeniable. There was, however, still a small load on his chest that lingered, the most important load. Words that he could never bring to say in front of Evan at all costs, no matter what happens, as long as he treasured whatever little was left of their connection and friendship.
"There's more, isn't there?" Luke's smile faltered slightly, warping into a grimace. "Get it off your chest, then. No use buryin' it now, is there?"
Jonathan stared into the horizon quietly, and whispered into the wind. "I love you, Evan. I love you and I'm sorry." But if you want, we can just be friends, just like we always have been.
Luke looked at him with a sad smile on his face. He did not encourage him to yell the words out, or push him to go further, but simply patted his shoulder and murmured something about waiting for him in the car when he's ready to go.
The wind changed direction, blowing into the sea. Jonathan shut his eyes, feeling the wind caress his skin and blow through his hair. He imagined his whisper being carried by the wind and to Evan, settling in his ear just so he knew what Jonathan felt for him, just so Jonathan would never have to say it to him and ruin what they had.
Hours later, after a long, quiet drive back to Jonathan's place with only a small deviation to pick up some pizzas for lunch, the two men sat on the patio of Jonathan's house, eating hot, still steaming pizza in the cold. The entire event was completed with numerous blankets wrapped around their bodies as well as warm glasses of hot tea.
"We should do this more often," Jonathan sighed in satisfaction as he polished off the last of his pizza. "Hot food in the cold."
"Yeah," Luke sighed in agreement, leaning back on his chair. "How did you discover this gem of an activity?"
Jonathan shrugged, holding the blanket closer to his body. "Just an idea that I tried with Liselle once. Food got cold real quick, though."
Luke raised a brow. "You've still been seeing her?"
"Not since months ago. It was sort of like… a farewell meeting. It's all over now."
"I'm glad it is." Luke took a sip of the steaming hot tea. "Was about damn time. You two were a fuckin' train wreck."
"We were. Looking back, it feels weird that we even took that long to realize it ourselves."
"Hmm." Luke hummed and took a large bite of his pizza slice. "Are you free tonight?"
"Yeah. I'm not recording anything much. Why?"
"Hmm, nothin'." Luke pursed his lips tightly.
Jonathan frowned. "You're being really secretive these days, you know that? It's really unlike you. What's going on?"
"Like I said, nothing much!" Luke insisted, and busied himself with distracting Jonathan, by taking Jonathan's hot tea and downing it in one go. He choked as the hot liquid scalded his lips and tongue, and he was left sputtering and spitting.
"Serves you right, bitch." Jonathan snorted.
In the distance, a silhouette appeared amongst the white of the snow, dressed in a long white overcoat. The figure slowly strolled towards the compound, almost as though it was hesitating, afraid. As Jonathan's attention was brought to the figure, there was almost a sense of familiarity with the poise of the person, as well as the way the person was built. Jonathan blinked and frowned, trying to make out more of the figure.
The figure started to close in on the patio, coming closer towards Luke and Jonathan. His features became a lot more visible – gently tanned skin, black hair and dark olive eyes. There was an incredible familiarity in these features, yet the familiarity was disrupted by the darkness under the man's eyes as well as the man's pallor complexion. Walking towards them was a man who had suffered for years on end. Walking to them was a man Jonathan had known many years ago, the man who had first broken his heart. Jonathan felt his heart twist into a little tight ball in his chest.
Luke followed Jonathan's gaze towards the man, slowly piecing the puzzle of the man together. "Son of a bitch," He growled.
"What are you doing here?! Who gave you the directions?!" Luke yelled and stood up in a shaking anger, causing the man to still frightfully just at the steps of the patio.
"I… I just want to talk to Jonathan," Nick croaked, his voice hoarse and low. "Please, Luke. I just want to talk to him."
"After what you did to him? After leavin' him to get destroyed by your brother? After throwin' him away once you were done with him? No chance, pal." Luke growled, danger seeping into his voice. "Go away. Now."
"Please, Luke." Nick pleaded. "Just a word with him. I need this. He needs to hear this, too."
"No. Get. Out."
Luke's hand was balled up into a tight fist, quivering with fury. Jonathan gently took it into his hand, coaxing the angered man with his own touch.
"Luke," he whispered softly as Luke turned over to him. "It's okay. I'll talk to him."
He watched as the dark rage in Luke's eyes threatened to spill over. "But he –"
"It's okay." He returned Luke's gaze with a small reassuring smile. "I'll be fine. Look, you finished my tea. Go make me another cup."
Luke stared at him for a long moment with large, disbelieving eyes, before he finally turned and walked back into the house, evidently dissatisfied with the arrangement. When his footsteps and grumbles faded out of Jonathan's earshot, Jonathan turned back towards the man still standing in the snow, and gestured for him to approach. Nick walked up the steps of the patio, towards Jonathan, and softly mumbled out for permission to sit where Luke once sat, before settling down next to Jonathan on the patio quietly, biting his trembling lips and at a loss of what to say.
"What is it?" Jonathan asked amicably. "You said you had something to say to me, so say it."
"You still look…really pretty." Nick began. "Your eyes are still the crazy blue just like back then."
"You came here to say that?"
"No, no!" Nick raised his voice, flustered. "I just… I just didn't know how to start. I'm sorry, really. It took me so long to find you. I've looked everywhere for you. Every time I thought I'd found you, you were already gone. I thought I'd never see you again. Then I found out that Eric got to you again."
"I don't need you to pity me." Jonathan brushed him off coldly, the friendliness draining from his voice. "I'm up and running and there's nothing wrong with me now."
He watched as the man wrestled with his words. "No, no… you're in good shape, I see- I see that. It's… it's how I found you. It wasn't easy to convince the nurse to tell me where you lived."
Jonathan harrumphed quietly. What do you want, Nick? Why do you have to re-appear in my life now, of all times?
Nick cleared his throat, and continued. "I'm so sorry Eric did this to you, Jonathan. I'm really sorry."
"Except it happened, and I'm good now. So there's that."
"No, Jonathan, listen. I… I wish it didn't happen. I wish you didn't have to go through that again, to face Eric again and to have him – have him beat you up again!" Nick cried out loud. "If I could've stopped him, done something different just so you didn't have to get hurt, I would have."
"But you couldn't. It happened. That's that, Nick. You couldn't have changed a single thing that happened that day, just like how you couldn't do anything about that night years back." Jonathan retorted.
"I could've –"
"You couldn't have, Nick." Jonathan interrupted. "You couldn't. You couldn't change him for who he was and you can't change him for who he is. Besides, what's the point of saying that you 'could have'? You can't change history. What's happened has happened. You can't turn back time and try to change who we are today. You can't change the fact that we weren't meant to be. You can't change the fact that Eric beat both you and I to shit to stop us from being together." You can't change the fact that I loved you so dearly, or the fact that you left me in the lurch, all alone by myself, and that still hurts today.
Nick fell silent at his words, wringing his hands together and fiddling with his fingers nervously. He looked utterly lost, as though he did not know what to do or to say, and with every harsh breeze that came by, he shivered underneath his coat. He finally spoke again after what felt like a long while.
"I… I'm just really sorry, Jonathan. I know this is hard to do… but, please… go easy on Eric. You saw what happened to him after he went into jail the first time. He shouldn't go in again."
"That's not for me to decide. You can beg me all you want, but I can't stop it if the judge decides that he's bad enough to go back into the hellhole."
"Just a good word will do, Jonathan." Nick begged, his mesmerizing dark eyes piercing Jonathan's. "He's all I've had ever since our parents separated. He's not a bad person – he was just worried for me."
"Maybe not back then. But now? Did he trash me because he was worried for you on Christmas Day? He's not good, Nick. He's a lost cause. Let him be."
"I can't let him get worse. I can't lose him – I can't lose anyone anymore, Jonathan!" Nick half-yelled, eyes clouding over with wetness and his body shaking from the sheer agitation. "I can't – not when I've lost everyone else around me, not when I've already lost you!"
The tight ball in Jonathan's chest twisted itself tighter, sending surges of throbbing, excruciating pain throughout his system. It was but a reprisal of his original heartbreak, one that he had never gotten over, and desperately needed to get over now. He had to let go, to think about something else, and hope that the ache would eventually fade.
There was a question he had been dying to ask – a question that had formed over the countless weeks of recurring nightmares. There had been nobody that could answer his questions, and he saw the opportunity in the silence that they had together. He had a strong feeling he had the right person at the right time.
"Nick." Jonathan spoke, addressing the man next to him after another long pause. "Tell me something."
Nick looked up at Jonathan, his dark eyes hopeful, yet wary.
"That night…ten years back. There wasn't anybody that knew where I was except Eric and the rest of the football team. Neither Luke nor my sister knew where I went, and I knew that Eric and the rest left when I passed out in the woods. How did I get out?"
Something shifted in the man's dark eyes, and the wariness as well as the weariness gave way to a tenderness that seemed to burn up inside of him. Nick remained silent, biting his lip once more, and at this point Jonathan knew – it was him.
"You were there," Jonathan breathed, vocalizing his realization. "You were there that night. How?"
"Eric wasn't… thorough with covering up what he was going to do." Nick admitted slowly. "I saw the text and I knew what I had to do. And… I really wanted to stop it from happening, believe me, Jonathan, but I couldn't. It hurt so much to see you in pain, to watch all that happen to you, to hear you scream… but I couldn't pick up the courage to stand up to them, not after how Eric beat me to shit. I really wished I did."
Nick sighed, a small puffy cloud of vapor escaping his lips. His eyes were watery, shimmering as the light hit it. "I hid like a little bitch, out of sight as my lover got beaten up by my brother. I don't know how you'll ever forgive me for this, Jonathan. I don't even know why I expect you to listen to me."
He would have been angry. He would have been outraged that Nick let it all happen. But there was something more, something that kept him perfectly calm. He wanted to know more, and the curiosity drove him forward.
"You sent me to the hospital, didn't you?" Jonathan probed further.
"It was the only thing I could do. Especially after being so utterly useless. It wasn't easy getting you out of that place… but I needed to."
"Why didn't you stay, then?"
Nick looked at him sadly. "I didn't have the courage to show my face after all that. I was so terrified that you'd be mad that I let that happen to you. I was terrified that Luke would go utterly berserk if he found out. Looking back, I wish I did, because at least then I'd still have a chance. A chance at being with you."
"That's enough, Nick. I don't want to hear that." Jonathan steadied his breathing. Inhale, exhale. "I'm glad enough you gave me a chance to live. I don't know where I'd be today if you didn't save me. That's more than enough for me." Inhale, exhale.
He watched as Nick bit down on his lower lip again. "Your body… all bruised and battered like that… was heavier than anything in this world. I swore I'd never let that happen to you ever again, to let you be all beaten up again. I took the coward's way out. And I know this means nothing to you anymore, Jonathan, but I really did love you. I never –"
He cut himself off instantly, as though he refused to let a few compromising words leave his mouth. He looked as though he was about to say something very silly indeed, with guilt overflowing in the depths of his eyes.
"Doesn't matter now." He continued. "You're right. It's all in the past. You've moved on. I should, too. I'll talk to someone else about how to help Eric. I just wish… I just wish you'd forgive me, and especially Eric. I'm sorry for taking up your time and disturbing your lunch."
As he stood, Jonathan piped up softly – "I never hated you or Eric. Even if I did, just a little bit, I've forgiven you two a long time ago."
Nick looked down at him, his eyes glimmering. "You've always been so sweet, Jonathan. Always so electric, so energetic. So… so beautiful. Don't ever change, Jonathan."
With a sudden move, he bent down and kissed Jonathan full on the lips, his lips nipping Jonathan's in an ever-familiar way, the way he had always done when they kissed in the dark. There had always been so much passion in their kisses as they unraveled before each other, with soft little moans escaping their lips in between each kiss. Their lips would mash together and they would grow giddy and breathless with each second that passed, and their bodies would come together under the moonlight.
There was, however, no passion on Jonathan's part in this kiss. His heart was not racing or pumping as hard as it could, and his mind was not foggy and clouded over with affection for the man before him. The kiss was familiar right down to the very taste of Nick's lips, but the familiarity repulsed him. There were no moans that could leave his throat, nor any physical response that could be coerced from him. Eyes wide open, he flinched and drew back away from Nick, their lips parting forcefully.
"What the hell?!" Jonathan sputtered.
Nick smiled a painful, heart-wrenching smile. The forlorn look in the dark olives of his eyes was overwhelmingly bittersweet. "Just checking if you still had the fight in you."
He straightened up and walked down the steps of the patio, leaving Jonathan flabbergasted. At the very base of the steps, he turned back, the portrait of a man who was suffering and collapsing deep inside, and murmured his parting words to Jonathan.
"I really did love you, Jonathan. What I didn't tell you was that I never stopped."
The man in the white overcoat walked off into the snowy distance. The words that he left behind echoed in the wake of his presence. It was some time before Jonathan realized that Luke had emerged back out from the house and had settled himself beside him with another cup of hot tea.
"You saw everything." Jonathan accused.
"Why didn't you retaliate?" Luke asked. "He forced himself on you!"
"Does it matter?"
"It sure does," Luke replied, sipping his now-cold tea. "He obviously still really likes you. I've never seen someone so hurt before. I'm just glad you didn't do something stupid and take him back or something."
"I don't know. I could've taken him back. But I didn't want to, especially not after that kiss. Is that bad?"
Luke looked at him incredulously. "Why would it be bad? Hell, you probably chose something really good for once."
"Hmm." Jonathan hummed as he sipped away on his new cup of hot tea. It hurt to see the expression on Nick's face as he left. But with the hurt came a pleasant feeling as well, as though he had done the right thing by rejecting Nick. The pleasantness and the serenity that he was surrounded with was great enough to put a small smile on his face for the first time in a long while. I'm moving forward.
Something was moving, rumbling about. Jonathan was rocking back and forth, and the world seemed to be shaking from side to side. He was lounging lazily on a soft, cushiony seat. A soft shush resounded every once in a while – waves crashing against a surface near him. I'm on a boat, he thought to himself.
Things slowly came into focus. The sky was cloudless and bluer than ever, and the sun shone brightly in the sky, forming little circular flares against the corners of Jonathan's eyes. He squinted and sat up, looking around. Everything around him was a pristine, clean white. It became clear to him that he was on a ship, a cruise perhaps – except there was nobody else around him. He was all alone, or so he thought.
Evan was standing by the railing just ahead, his back facing Jonathan as he admired the view of the sea. His muscles stretched out the fabric of the shirt that he was wearing, the perfect sight of masculinity. Somewhere in his head, he heard a voice egg him on – "Do something bold. Do something scary to get what you want."
He got off the lounger that he had been lying on and approached Evan, each step less and less hesitant, each step less and less scary. He leaned in onto the rail next to Evan as the man twiddled around a ring in his fingers, the very same ring he had seen on Sarah's finger, a sad smile upon his lips.
"I'm sorry." Jonathan blurted out, and Evan turned towards him, his face lighting up as he realized that Jonathan was there.
"It's fine, really…" Evan murmured. "It's over now."
With a flick of his hand, the ring cascaded and fell into the water, barely causing a ripple on the surface as the 'plop' sounded.
"Evan, that –" Jonathan protested, panic rising in his voice. "That meant a lot to you!"
"Not anymore." Evan closed in on him, closing whatever little of the gap there was between them. Their arms were touching, brushing against each other's as the ship rocked. "Just look."
He gently lifted Jonathan's left hand from his side and brought it up between them, and a shiny ring was fitted perfectly on his ring finger, the gem on it shimmering brilliantly in the sunlight, giving off stunning little sparkles of red, blue and green. Shocked, Jonathan looked back up at Evan to see the man grinning wider than ever.
"Evan, what…?"
But the man silenced him with a finger to his lips. "Ssh, Jonathan. Just let me talk, please. I have so much to say to you."
He steadied himself, his finger sliding off Jonathan's lips. "This… this is my gift to you. I couldn't think of what better to give you other than this. And if you'll take it… then you're going to give me the best gift I could ever get, too."
"Evan, I… this…you're joking…"
"I'm not." Evan said firmly, his eyes boring into Jonathan's. "Please, Jonathan. I need an answer."
Before Jonathan could make another sound, however, the ship rumbled, rocking harder than ever and sending the two teetering off balance. Their bodies collided, meshing together roughly and painfully. Jonathan felt Evan's strong fingers grip onto his body, steadying the two in a tight embrace.
"I love you, Jonathan." Evan murmured into Jonathan's ear softly as he squeezed him gently. "Please be with me."
Jonathan felt the heat rise in his cheeks and he shut his eyes tightly, suppressing the tears from coming forth. I must be dreaming, he thought. He can't possibly want this.
No matter how much he tried to convince himself, however, he felt the tears of pained happiness come through his eyelids. His heart was palpitating, rapid and filled with joy, jumping at every beat of the heart that he felt come from Evan's chest through the fabric that separated them.
There was a roar that grew louder and louder around him, and Jonathan frowned, eyes still sewn shut. What the hell?
The roar grew louder, and the darkness took over. There was no longer anything, nor anyone holding him tight. He was no longer standing on a ship, in the middle of the sea. Instead, he was sitting upright, his body lazily sprawled on a soft, cushiony seat that smelled strongly like leather. The seat shook ever so slightly, and his head shook with it, nodding from side to side. Wherever he was, he was moving at high speed, and all the events that had transpired were but a figment of his imagination, a product of his wishful thinking. I'm a fool.
The air around him was cold and dry, and he was only held loosely in place on the seat by a few straps. He was in a car, someone's car. Someone was driving him off at an insane speed, causing his body to be tossed around limply in his own seat. There was nobody else he could think of as such a crazed driver.
He commanded his eyelids to flutter open, allowing the bright light of the car interior to enter his eyes. Automatically, his hands flew to his eyes, shielding them from the light. "Where the fuck are we, Luke?"
"Nowhere, go back to bed." Luke replied coolly.
"I can't when you're kidnapping me to somewhere I don't know!" Jonathan groused as Luke hit a rough turn, causing Jonathan's body to slide and press itself towards the passenger seat door with a resounded thud. Jonathan yelped out loud in pain.
"LUKE!" He yelled. "Where are we?!"
"Like I said, nowhere." Luke reiterated, cool as ever. "Just go back to sleep and I'll wake you up when the time is right."
"How do you expect me to sleep when I don't know where I'm going and you're driving like a maniac?"
"You usually don't have a problem with that. Why, did I interrupt a nice dream? Sure sounded like I did."
"Shut up." Jonathan bit back. "Now pull over and let me out."
"You don't wanna do that, buddy. You're going to have to hitchhike back in the cold."
"Better than have you cart me off somewhere."
"God damn, I'm not bringing you anywhere dangerous. Don't you trust me just a little bit? It's going to be fun, trust me."
Jonathan narrowed his eyes at him, and gave up after a little while, committing himself to figuring out where the hell he was going. All he could see outside of the windows were trees and an entire patch of darkness, but he could faintly make out that they were driving upwards, growing higher and higher above the trees below.
"Why are we going up the mountains?" Jonathan queried, much calmer this time.
"I don't know, maybe it's a plot to kidnap you or something." Luke shrugged. "I promised the masterminds of this that I'll get you there by midnight though, so we're runnin' a little late."
The drive was relatively silent for the rest of the way. The impenetrable darkness of the outside world seemed to give no hint as to where they were heading on the mountain. It was until moments later that the darkness gave way to lights – way too many bright, multi-colored lights that blinked and flashed away as though a rave party was going on right at the top of the mountain. The lights grew brighter and brighter as they made their way towards the top, and eventually, as Luke pulled over after what felt like an eternity of driving, a wooden cabin came into view, glowing intensely with decorative lights and loud music blaring over speakers.
The two exited the car, and a petite figure began to run at them, stumbling slightly as she did. The figure lunged at Luke as he approached, throwing her arms around his neck playfully and collapsing into his arms.
"Luuuuke." Hannah drawled. "You took so long. I was beginning to miss you."
"Who got you this drunk?" Luke grumbled, unamused.
"Aw, you're such a party pooper." Hannah giggled and gently tweaked his nose. "We've got soda in the cabin, but it's not as fuuun."
"So… is anybody going to tell me what's going on here?" Jonathan probed, awestruck by the sight before him.
"The two ladies wanted to help you cheer up and so they came up with this shitty plan," Luke explained, rolling his eyes at a teetering Hannah, who stuck her tongue out at him.
"It's a great plan, okay?" Hannah asserted, slurring away at her words. "We're making up for his lost New Year and he's going to love it. Aren't you, Jonathan?"
A new song played, a song that he had heard over a million times on the radio. God damn, he thought to himself.
"Depends on if you're going to play cheesy Top 100 tracks about butts all night long," Jonathan deadpanned, rubbing his eyes. "Look, I got pulled out of my own bed in my own home and kidnapped and dragged all the way up the mountains for this? I'm not missing out on my own beauty sleep just for your entertainment, you know."
"But you like butts." Hannah teased, her laughter growing. "Or maybe you like people that like your butt, I don't know."
"Where's Jenn?" Luke asked. "I'm gonna go kick her ass."
"In-siiiide. But don't pick on her, she's been really nice to me. Unlike you."
"Right," Luke rolled his eyes once more, and swept Hannah off her feet, carrying her in his arms bridal style. She squirmed playfully closer to him and slung her arms around his neck tighter, giggling harder than ever. "Follow me."
The two men trudged up towards the cabin and walked in. Upon entering, the music was louder than ever, and there was a strong scent of something peppery roasting away in the oven. The interior of the cabin, however, was what caught Jonathan's attention.
Hanging off the wooden walls were countless posters with various video game characters on them. Sleek wooden furniture filled the living area, with a few beanbags adorning the sides. Clean dark marble counters surrounded the kitchen and the cooking area, and a small wooden table was set by the windows. Further inwards, a wooden staircase led upwards to another level, and a banner hung from the banisters – For Jonathan.
"This…what is this?" Jonathan turned to Luke, not wishing to believe what he was seeing. It can't be.
"Your Christmas present. Well, your new and belated Christmas present. After all the amazing things you've done for everyone… we thought you deserved this. This cabin… this is yours. Two or so hours from your place, so if you ever just feel like droppin' everything and spending the weekend here… it's all yours for the taking."
"Where the heck did you get the money…?" Jonathan began, at a loss for words.
"It's from all of us. Your mom and dad wanted to do this for ages… and all it took was the three of us trading our original presents in and buyin' in on the idea for it to come true."
Jonathan opened his mouth, and then closed it again, unable to form a coherent sentence to express how he felt. There were a million things that needed to come out from his mouth in the moment, but not a single thing that he could express.
"It's all right, we know," Jenn called out as she emerged from the top of the stairs. "Wipe that dumb look off your face, because it's not that great. We're going to make you share even if it's yours. Then again, you don't care either way given how much Luke barges into your house to check your ass out."
Luke made a fierce tutting noise, and changed the subject. He nodded towards Hannah and asked, "Was this your doing?"
"Psh. You don't know how to have fun." Jenn waved him off as she ducked underneath the banner at the bottom of the stairs.
"Says the person who's blasting cheesy ass songs."
"Says the pretentious DJ," Jenn scoffed. She walked over to a mini fridge nearby the stove and pulled out a bottle of beer, tossing it at Jonathan. "Here, you'll need this if you want to survive being around that idiot for the rest of tonight. Plus, I can't drink that much or Gina will flip when she doesn't get picked up from Mom and Dad's in the morning, so you better help to finish the booze off."
"Nobody told you to bring that much booze. Look at what you've done to Hannah!"
"Hey, it was nice of her to help. Besides, the drinks were on sale."
"You could've stopped her!"
"Okay, you two, stop." Jonathan commanded, sensing a shouting match rising between the two. "Don't ruin this for me. This is great. I don't know what to say, but… thank you. All of you."
He uncapped the bottle and drank from it heartily, feeling the cold liquid stream into his mouth and down his throat, followed by the familiar burn of the alcohol that met his chest. A few more bottles and I'll be dizzy.
A soft giggle escaped Hannah's lips. "Let me down, Luke, I want another drink."
Luke frowned at her as he made his way to grab a can of soda from the fridge. "Don't overdo it."
Hannah pouted at him and made a sloppy turn towards Jenn. "Jenn, he's being mean," She whined.
"He's worried about you, he's always like this when he is," Jenn coaxed. "Go easy on the booze and leave that to Jonathan. He needs to get wasted more than you do. Plus, you don't want to miss the roast."
"Smells like Mom's roast," Jonathan noted. "Did she make it for us?"
"No," Jenn snapped sharply. "I used her recipe, that's all. I'm no natural like you are, but I'm not always bad at cooking."
"I can already make a drinking game out of every single time you screwed some food up, Jenn. I wonder how Gina even lives with you around."
Jenn stuck her tongue out at him and sank into a beanbag. She was soon followed by the rest in the cabin, forming a small little circle around an electric fireplace.
"Speaking of drinking games," Hannah piped up, "let's play one. Truth or drink. Jonathan – truth or drink?"
"Truth?" Jonathan answered uncertainly.
"How many times a day do you think of Evan?"
Jonathan grimaced. It was a question he only had a very rough answer to – too many to actually count. And whatever the cost, it was an answer that he could not reveal to anybody.
And so he thought for a small moment, before he lifted his bottle to his lips and downed the rest of the contents, to the teasing laughter of everybody else in the room. His head was already beginning to spin slightly with the intake of alcohol.
The round continued around the room, before the attention landed straight back onto Jonathan. This time, Jenn took the reins – "How regularly do you think of doing it with Evan?"
Jonathan frowned. "Why are my questions about Evan?"
"Because where's the fun in this if we're just going to ask you about yourself when we know you so well? Hurry up and answer, or just down the whole bottle if you don't want to."
Jonathan bit his lip, and quickly downed his second bottle of beer for the night. The buzzing in his head was starting really take effect, becoming stronger and stronger with each moment that passed. The world began to distort ever so slightly, and everything became funnier than usual – Luke's beard, Jenn's hair, Hannah's drunken giggles…
What happened next was but a blur. All Jonathan could remember was downing bottle after bottle of alcohol, feeling the rush of excitement as the liquid flowed down his throat and the heat pumped through his blood. He sang along to the tunes, giving off-key renditions of popular songs as the other three laughed at his antics. At some point, the roast was brought out, but he barely ate, only able to manage a few bites with shaky hands and a groggy head. At another, the lights in the cabin were turned off, and the interior was only illuminated by numerous colored lights and glow sticks. The party became a whirl, and not long after, Jonathan collapsed onto a beanbag, exhausted and giddy, in a completely delirious giggling fit, but happy nevertheless.
Jonathan awoke once again, his head heavier than ever. The light filtering through the windows was sharp and glaring, piercing his eyes. His vision was blurry, and it took a few moments before it cleared, revealing the crisp, yet soft blue of the sky, adorned with fluffy little white clouds high up in the air that seemed so near, yet so far away. A cold breeze blew through a small gap in the window that he faced, gently sending chilly spikes across the skin on his face. He was, however, warm for the most part.
He was no longer on a beanbag at the very first floor of the cabin where the party had been. He was instead in a room and on a soft warm bed, his body wrapped up in the comfort of a thick, warm silk comforter. The room was empty and the house seemed relatively quiet other than a soft high snore that echoed from another room.
Gingerly, he removed himself from the bed, head spinning slightly, thankful that he was not hungover and that the effects of the hard partying that he did last night were mild. The wooden floor was cold to the touch, and as he pushed the comforter of his body, the cold air hit, and he shivered, goosebumps forming on his skin. He made his way around the room, looking for a bathroom, and entered one just nearby the exit of the room.
Once he had brushed and freshened himself up, clearing most of the fog from his head, he tip-toed out of the room, past another where Hannah was slumped over in a small bed, sleeping the alcohol off. He made his way down the stairs, and was greeted by a surprisingly neat living area. Luke sat by a slightly open window, sipping away at a cup of coffee as he stared at the screen of his laptop. Jenn, however, was nowhere to be found.
"Jenn went back home hours ago," Luke answered his thoughts, never taking his eyes off his laptop once. "Dead worried about her kid."
Jonathan nodded, and sidled over to the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge for some food. Too lazy to make some actual food, he settled for some biscuits and jam, before settling himself opposite of Luke at the table by the window.
"What are you doing?" Jonathan enquired, curious.
"Uploading my video for today."
"Speaking of that… I never got to thank you properly for helping me with mine when I was out."
"Hey," Luke looked up and smiled at him. "Happy to help. You had tons of spare footage that the subscribers were happy to see. I don't see why you don't ever upload them."
"Everybody else usually uploads them before I do, man." Jonathan groused. "It's not as fun anymore when everybody's already seen what happened. Besides, I have my own other videos to upload."
"Yeah, but doesn't mean that you shouldn't. Either way, it's what saved your ass this time around, so I can't tell you what you should do with them. And if you wanna thank me properly, you can treat me to a feast."
Jonathan snorted out a laugh. "At a restaurant? Sure thing."
"Home-cooked by you," Luke insisted playfully. "And I expect five-star service."
"Fuck you." Jonathan laughed, and tucked into a biscuit hungrily.
"Yeah, yeah," Luke derided. "So much for being grateful. All I ever wanted was a nice big meal cooked with love from my little brother and he refuses." He paused, faking a sigh. "My life is cruel."
"Alright, alright! I'll do it, god damn." Jonathan rolled his eyes. "Didn't know you felt that way about me, Luke."
A small pause, and he spoke again. "What happened last night? I can't remember much."
Luke looked back up at him. "Not much. You three were drunk idiots. Well, more of you and Hannah. Sometime after the lights went out you tried to kiss Hannah, and Jenn smacked you upside the head. I thought you'd be hurt or something, but you laughed it off like a maniac. The usual."
I'd tried to kiss my best friend's girl because I was a drunk idiot. Oops.
"I'm sorry about that. I really, really didn't mean anything by that."
"I know. After you passed out you were spewin' gibberish about Evan, anyway."
Luke chuckled to himself, and turned his attention back to his laptop, his face screwing up in concentration. After a long moment, the tension in the air was relieved by a small little whoop from Luke, indicating that the upload was successful. He sipped away at the last of his coffee, and alternated between looking at Jonathan and his screen.
"What? Have I got something on my face?"
"No," Luke dismissed.
"Then what?"
Luke glanced up at Jonathan once more. "The guys are dead curious about how you look like after Craig let slip of some details."
Jonathan frowned. "Like?"
"Something about you having gorgeous eyes. Which I'll agree with."
"And so you're telling them?"
"Not really. I'm just giving them a thousand and one reasons why they should stop wonderin' and wait until you're ready to show your face before they talk. Then again, they're pretty on edge since PAX is comin' up and they don't know if you'll turn up secretly."
A discomfort was gnawing away at Jonathan – there was something that he needed to do, something that was long overdue. There was an apology he had to make to someone that meant more than the whole wide world to him, and there were words that he needed to say. The opportunity was right before him, but he had to make a small sacrifice to do so –
Sacrifice? What sacrifice? They're my friends. They deserve to know. It's been forever and they should. It doesn't mean that the whole world should. Showing myself to them doesn't mean that I'm showing myself to the whole wide world. It's barely a sacrifice, barely one for something that I have to do.
He played around with the idea in his head, and slowly reached towards Luke's laptop, turning it towards him. Luke protested angrily as he did, his fingers stilling mid-message.
"What are you doing?!"
"Something important."
He erased Luke's original message and began to slowly type his own-
"Hey guys, it's Delirious here, I'm with Cartoonz right now. I'll be coming to PAX East, and yes you guys will be seeing me. I'm not planning to show my face to the rest of the world, though, I just want to experience PAX as myself and hang out with my friends, if that's fine with you guys. I know this seems sudden, but I think it's about time that I did this. I'll catch you guys when I'm back home."
With a tap of the 'Enter' button, the message sent itself to his friends, sealing his fate once and for all. Luke slid out of his seat and stood over him, peeking over his shoulder and reading his message to their friends. Jonathan heard his breathing grow faster and more agitated as he read to the very end of the message.
"Are you serious?" Luke whispered fiercely, disbelieving. "You're going to show your face?"
"To you guys. Nobody else. I'm not sure if I'm ready for the big reveal yet, but I think this is fine."
"Are you still –"
"No, I'm not drunk anymore," Jonathan asserted. "I'm sure of this. I need to be there, and I want to be there. And I'm going as Jonathan, not as Delirious. Trust me, Luke."
The look of worry and uncertainty never left Luke's face. "Evan is going to be there, you know."
"That's the plan. I mean… I have to face him someday. This is the perfect chance. So please, Luke. Just trust me?"
Luke sighed softly and gave him a slightly less than confident smile. "I just hope you don't regret this."
"I won't. I've come this far," Jonathan announced, his voice tinged with a tone of finality.
"I won't back out on this."
I'm really, really sorry for the wait! I'm also sorry if this chapter (and possibly the next) isn't as well-written. I think I might need a break or something, I feel like I'm losing my touch a little bit. At the same time, I foresee myself procrastinating maximally if I do. Either way, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and I hope you guys stick with me to the end of this story!
-delmin