Alright, so the OPS is back up at work, so if you don't hear from me ever again I've drowned in work. (I promise the former won't happen. Can't promise anything regarding the latter.)
Still don't own TWD. Please enjoy!
Rick had a lot of anger at the moment, but he was having a hard time pinning the exact reason down. He knew that he wasn't mad at the walkers he had just decimated. He wasn't even mad at Carol, though he had been surprised at the depth of the feelings that reliving her banishment had sprung on him. No his anger was coming from that feeling of having Beth's arms around his waist. Not that he was mad at Beth of course; she was doing exactly what he needed. But it stirred something in him that he couldn't have vocalized even if he had wanted to.
It reminded him of when he killed Shane. Although Rick knew in the back of his mind that it was different, very different, it felt remarkably the same. Someone he had trusted explicitly betrayed the group, and in turn he removed them. And when he told Lori, at first she had been like Beth, and wrapped her arms around his waist, her face gently buried into his shoulder. Then something he had said scared her away. She let go of him, and honestly, never came back to him. It was completely different with Lori after that.
Is that how it would be with Beth? Had Beth finally seen the worst of him, like Lori had?
But Beth didn't let go.
Rick shook the thought out of his brain. Beth didn't owe him anything, least of all her understanding. And he definitely didn't need to be comparing her to Lori. The thought of it made his stomach flip. Regardless of his feelings, he wouldn't let Beth suffer the same fate his late wife had.
He had been brooding, and he knew it. Beth was following several paces behind him, and that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted her next to him, talking and laughing like it used to be. But things were never that easy, and he knew it.
His thoughts were unceremoniously interrupted by the sound of his stomach rumbling.
He stopped walking and sighed, dropping his backpack to the ground.
"You ok?" Beth asked gingerly, catching up with him. Rick could barely face her. She just looked so… sincere. And all he could think about was the mistakes he's made.
"Yeah, just hungry." He admitted quickly.
Beth smiled half-heartedly. "Oh thank god. I'm starving."
Despite himself, Rick laughed in response. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"You were setting a pretty good pace." Beth cheekily stated before letting her back pack hit the ground as well. "I say we've earned ourselves a lunch break." Beth dug around in the blue back pack before retrieving what Rick could only guess was a can of Spam.
He wrinkled his nose. "You're kidding, right?"
Beth underhanded the can to him, and shrugged. "Hey, beggars can't be choosers."
But Rick regarded the can warily. It reminded him of the time when they had been on the road and Carl had found only a can of dog food. There was no way he was letting his son eat that. This didn't feel terribly different, although he supposed it was.
"Oh!" Beth exclaimed, reaching into her pack again. "I have an idea." After a few moments, she pulled out a can of pineapple.
"What is that for?" Rick asked, his nose scrunching, as Beth popped the lid open.
"When my parents got married, they went to Hawaii. Apparently it's common down there to eat spam, eggs, and rice. The place they stayed always added a big slice of pineapple on top. On their anniversaries they would always make this. It reminded them of their honeymoon." She shrugged, opening the can of spam, and rinsing her knife off with water. "I know we don't have eggs or rice, but it might be nice anyway."
Rick shook his head, and watched her carefully slice the spam. Maybe Beth was coming back into herself if she was sharing these happy memories. She seemed to have forgotten anything good ever happened to her before the prison fell. She handed him a slice of spam with a ring of pineapple on the top, and he eyed it surreptitiously.
Beth laughed at him. "You've got to eat Rick."
"Yes ma'am." He deadpanned, and took a bite. He chewed it thoughtfully while Beth eyed him. "It's not bad." He admitted, swallowing. "If you can get past what it IS, the sweet and salty works kind of well."
"Ha." Beth said simply, before eating her own mixture. Rick watched her pick carefully at the edges, and the juice from the pineapple run down her hand. She looked so young at this moment, deceptively so. She looked like she should have been with her friends at a sock hop. Rick felt a twinge of pain for her at this moment. Beth was so pure. She shouldn't have had to go through this. He swallowed roughly.
"Beth?" she looked up at him and smiled, which felt like a stranglehold on his chest. "Just wonderin', do you ever think about what you would be doin' right now? If it weren't for all this, I mean."
Beth's face fell. "I don't." she said curtly.
Rick pushed on, despite his gut telling him to stop. "I mean, what do you think you would have majored in at school?"
Beth sighed heavily. "I always had planned to become a vet like my dad." She finished succinctly. Rick knew she was just placating him at this point. He picked off a corner of his spam and threw it at her.
"Be nice to me. I'm old." He said sticking out his bottom lip in a playful pout. He reveled in his success as Beth laughed softly.
"You're not old, stop sayin' it." She laughed, throwing the little piece of spam back at him. "The truth is, I don't much like to think about it." She whispered.
Rick scooted over towards her, under the guise of hearing her better. Their legs touched and his heart stopped. "How come?" he asked gingerly.
Beth shrugged next to him, and Rick carefully reached out for her hand. He always expected her hand to be warm and dainty, but it was cold and rough, a physical representation of her experience. But her hand was so small in his.
"I can't imagine going to school with my friends and talking about, what? Boys? Makeup? It all seems so pointless now. Maggie tried sometimes, to act like nothing had changed. Or like things could go back to normal. But I can't, Rick, I can't. It's not who I am anymore. And sometimes I'm afraid that things could go back. Maybe someday we'll build a civilization. I can't pretend that I'm who I used to be. What if they don't accept me? I've done… I've killed people. I don't think you get to come back from that. And what's worse, I don't think I want to. I don't want to go back to who I used to be. I don't ever want to go back." She swallowed hard, and Rick knew she was working to keep her voice steady. He rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb.
Beth sighed. "I feel like a jerk, because… I don't think I would change any of it. It's not a good life, but if none of this happens, I don't have Daryl, I don't have Judith, I don't have…you." She swallowed. "And I know what you're thinking, you would change everything. You would kill the governor the first time you met him, and save the prison, save my dad. Save everyone. And it looks like the better option right now, but who knows where we go from here? Maybe we go somewhere even better. I can wish my dad were here, but what's the point of that? Things have been set in motion. All I can do is hope for a better future."
Rick shifted thoughtfully in the dirt. "You don't know what I think Beth."
She turned sharply to face him, her eyes narrowing on him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that yes; I have wished that in the past. And right now, I would give anything to have kept you out of that house with Joe and his people. I would give anything to keep you from that." Rick paused, and debated whether or not to finish his thought. But eventually acquiesced. "But I can't wish for some things to change. Because if the prison never falls, I never get… this." Rick squeezed Beth's hand. "And I've really, really needed this. I don't like to think the kind of person I would be without it. Without you."
Rick watched as Beth's face turned red, and her tears finally began to fall. Rick sighed. He had pushed too far. He had sworn to himself that he wouldn't let his feelings get in the way of their working relationship, for lack of a better term. But that isn't even what he meant. Yes, he knew his feelings for Beth were strong, and definitely not going away anytime soon, but it wasn't even that. Rick had never had a… friend like this. Even Shane, even Lori, Rick had compulsively self-censored. They sat in judgement of him every time he shared something with them. If Rick told Shane about a date, he would tell him all the things he had done wrong. If Rick told Lori about something at work or with Carl, she would just instinctively correct him about things.
Beth just didn't. It went against her nature. She just listened to him. And even if she disagreed, it felt like a conversation between equals, not the hammer coming down on him. Rick never felt the need to censor himself with her like he had before. He found himself spilling everything he had ever feared or worried about to her, and instead of a crushing doubt about opening up he felt… liberated.
Now he had ruined it. She would keep herself from him because he couldn't proverbially keep it in his pants. He went to pull his hand away, but she clutched it tighter.
"I know how you feel." Beth murmured.
Rick looked at Beth in shock, but she wouldn't meet his gaze. Her face was stained with a deep crimson blush and tears running down her cheeks. He sighed, somewhat in relief, and simply pulled her into a hug.
"Looks like we're back to taking turns crying." He whispered softly into her hair, and she chuckled against his chest. Rick was beyond tempted to kiss her in this moment. He hated seeing her hurt, and this time it was essentially his fault for pushing her. It would have been so easy to do. Just tilt her chin up and take advantage of the moment.
But he couldn't do it.
She didn't deserve to have her hurt be taken advantage of. And holding her close to his chest was enough for Rick in this moment.
"…Rick?" he finally heard her whisper, after clutching her to him for quite some time. "What's that?" she pulled away from him, and he followed her line of sight.
There, on the path they were roughly following, was a trap buried under a light dusting of leaves.
"That earth is fresh." Beth said, crawling away from him.
Rick instinctively reached for her. "Don't get too close Beth." But she crawled towards it, and inspected it as closely as she could.
"Rick," she said, turning to face him, "I think someone put this here today."
Dun dun dun, etc.
For those who may or may not care, I updated the fluffy one-shot "Meet the Parents" that I wrote for Emma Kellog. A faithful reviewer. (hint hint).
Hope you enjoyed!