It's this fic's anniversary! (on Wednesday, actually.) Which is kind of cheating, since I wrote the first chapter, promptly forgot about it, and then started writing it again a few months later. Whoops.
As always, much to my disappointment, I do not own the walking dead.
Beth's eyes were wild as she tried to pick up clues and signs around the trap. Rick, god bless him, wasn't really helping.
"What do you see? Is it Carl and Michonne? Or someone else?" he asked quickly and fiercely. Beth couldn't honestly blame him, the prospect of this being the clue they needed to reunite part of their family was too appealing to be calm about. But regardless of how diligently Beth searched the area, she still came up empty.
She shook her head sadly. "There's nothing distinguishing. No shoe prints or anything like that. Just evidence that someone was here, at some point recently." She sighed heavily. The implications were clear. They could follow the tracks, of course, that was easy enough. But what would they be walking in to? For all they knew they could walk smack into Joe. It was high risk, but of course, also very high reward.
"Well, we need to track them." Beth's head snapped backwards to look at Rick. Had he really just said that?
"Rick, it could be anyone. It could be Joe." Beth's eyes hardened on Rick. He couldn't really think it was a good idea to put them in danger like that.
Rick tilted his head and nodded, as he held a hand out towards Beth. "Now I know that Beth. But it could also be Carl and Michonne. Don't you think that's a risk worth taking?" he asked, his eyes demanding.
Beth's chest tightened and she balled her hands into fists. Her nails dug into her skin, and she felt that tell-tale prick behind her eyes that let her know tears were imminent. She tried to catch her breath, but the knot in her chest made it so she was unable to do so.
It wasn't that Beth didn't agree with Rick in theory, but in her head she just kept seeing Joe's face. And all the things she associated with him were rushing in on her, the fear, the pain, the blood. Her breathing was spiraling out of control, and before she knew it she was gasping for air, and she fell to the ground.
Rick was immediately next to her, and she could vaguely feel his hands on her, smoothing her hair, and she knew he was whispering platitudes in her ear, but she couldn't distinguish them. All she could see was Joe, burning her home. Joe, sending Billy up to her room. Joe, beating up Rick. And it felt like fire in her body.
Beth's fingers dug into the dirt, and her vision grew spotty. She desperately wanted Rick to stop touching her, she needed space. But even now, she couldn't bear to tell him that his hand on her back felt like a thousand tons pushing down on her. Nothing he could do or say was going to get her through this. It just had to pass. Beth tried desperately to think of other things, but in her mind it only drew attention to what she was trying NOT to think about.
Instead Beth just started counting multiples of 6. She didn't know why she was doing it, but after a certain point, it got a little harder to remember the math, and she had to think about it, and that meant her mind had something else to do.
It was shockingly effective. Beth didn't know how much time had passed before she was finally getting a deep breath. Panting still, yes, but breathing. It was such a relief to her. She sat back on her heels and laughed through the tears coming down her cheeks. She had finally found a method of getting through those on her own.
She turned to face Rick, who was sitting with his head in his hands. His curls had fallen forward into his face, and Beth lightly pushed them backwards, letting her fingers run through his hair. He was so beautiful like this.
"Rick." She tried, urging him to look at her. He simply shook his head, his hands not moving from his face. She sighed, and sat down, facing him, and balanced her chin on his knees. Beth had just had a personal triumph. Overcoming a panic attack on her own was a big deal to her. After all those painful minutes of not being able to stand being touched, being close to Rick now felt damn amazing. She let her hand touch his shoulder and drift down the length of his arm. He was so warm and strong.
"Rick, I'm not mad at you." She tried again, all but begging him to face her. After no response from him, her tiny fingers pried at his own, removing them from his face. Doing so revealed his eyes, which were stained red from exhaustion and tears.
"Rick. It's not your fault." Beth smiled at him. But instead of returning the gesture, Rick instead winced.
"What are you talking about? Of course it's my fault." He growled, glaring at Beth. "How could it be construed as anything other than my fault? God, I'm so selfish. I didn't even think, Beth. How can you not be furious with me?"
Rick tried to yank away from her touch, but she refused to let him. "Shut up Rick. If I'm not mad at you, I'd appreciate you not blamin' yourself. You didn't mean anything by it. It's just bad memories, 's all." She rolled her eyes at him, and Rick regarded her warily.
"It was still selfish." He groaned, his hand running though his hair.
"Yes it was." Beth agreed, sticking her tongue out at him. "Now shut up about it, and help me figure out what we should do."
Rick smirked at her attitude, and surprised her, by pulling her down to him in an embrace. She laughed, and reveled in his warmth.
"I don't understand you at all Beth Greene."
/
Beth was pleased with their arrangement. They had eventually agreed to spend the night up the hill, hidden by trees and their visibility heightened by the high ground. In the morning they would follow the new path with extreme caution.
It was agreed that Beth would take the first watch given that Rick was a terrible human being who tried to shoot people when he woke up.
They had set their tent up together, but had agreed that a fire was too big of a risk at the moment, especially from on top of a hill. Instead they had unrolled both of the sleeping bags, doubling them up, so that whoever was sleeping would stay warm. Then of course, whoever was on watch had the giant coat that Rick had gotten from the grocery store.
Which is how Beth found herself freezing to death, and feeling like an idiot because she kept smelling Rick's coat.
Dear Diary:
I had another panic attack today, but I got through it on my own. It's an exhilarating feeling to know I can do that. I guess that's what my life has come to, feeling excited that I don't have to rely on someone else to get me through a panic attack. My, how the mighty have fallen. Haha.
Rick and I found a trap in the woods. Could be a clue, could be nothing, could be Joe. Those are some pretty terrible options.
I have a weird concern. What happens when we find everyone else? Don't get me wrong, I want to find everyone desperately. Especially Maggie. She's all the kin I have left, and I need her. I need to know she's safe.
But….
What happens? Before, at the prison, the only time Rick and I really interacted was when we were handing off Judith. I mean, I liked Rick, and I guess he liked me okay, but we weren't really friends. Just co-workers, more like. But now… I can't imagine a day without him. I guess I'm scared of it going back to like it was before. Where we just coexist. I don't know that I could do that, now. Is that what he would want?
I know he… feels things. Things like I feel. He's practically said so. But maybe it could just be because there's no one else. What if he's embarrassed once we're around everyone again? What if-
Beth stopped writing because her hands were completely frozen. It had now started to hurt. She buried her cold fingers inside the sleeves of the coat, and balled the edges in her fists. She was not amused by this cold front. She knew it was fall, but this was unacceptable. It wasn't that cold, she supposed, but the wind was biting and unpleasant. She shivered against it, and wished the coat had a hood.
Her ears were burning, which seemed so counterintuitive to Beth. Her nose was quickly joining her ears in an uncomfortable state. Shawn had always teased her about that as a kid. As soon as the temperature dropped, her nose would turn red, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Even when she was older, she would sneak Maggie's makeup- which was the wrong shade, but what the hell did she know at 13- and cover it up with foundation, and powder, but when she stepped outside, bam. Red. It made her crazy. It didn't help that Shawn insisted on calling her Rudolph.
Beth's thoughts were interrupted by a sound coming from Rick's tent. The wind was whistling in her ears, and she was alternating between covering her ears and her nose with her sleeves, so she wondered if she imagined it.
She listened intently, and sure enough a few moments later, she heard a strangled, "Beeeeeth" coming from his tent.
Beth quickly drew her gun, and sprinted towards his tent, ready to fire. Her heart was racing in fear that she had been distracted by the cold and now Rick was in serious trouble. She was cursing herself as she flung back the opening to his tent.
But he was alone.
Rick was wrapped up in both sleeping bags, his teeth chattering. "'M c-cold, Beth."
Beth tried not to laugh at him. He was still clearly mostly asleep, so much so that she doubted he would even remember this in the morning. "You've got all the blankets, Rick." She giggled, and he frowned at her.
"S-still cold." His eyes were shut, as he clutched the blankets around him. "Come snuggle me."
Beth blushed furiously, but briefly considered the proposition. "Someone's gotta keep watch, Rick. 'Specially now." She added, but not before her treacherous mind remembered the warmth he gave off. She'd never been cold in the cabin.
Beth heard Rick grumbling as he kicked off his sleeping bag covers. She watched in curiosity as he unzipped them so they were open, and pulled them around his body, covering his head. He stalked out of the tent, past Beth, the sleeping bags trailing behind him.
Beth gave up trying not to laugh when he seemed to remember he took off without her. He turned around, eyes still barely opened, and grabbed her hand, and dragged her outside towards her chair. He used his foot to drag his chair close to her own. He motioned vaguely with his head for Beth to sit down, and she did so, teeth chattering.
Rick flung the sleeping bags around the two of them, and Beth felt the immediate increase in warmth, causing her to sigh happily. Rick then proceeded to curl his legs up in his chair, making himself into a ball. He handed the edges of the sleeping bag to Beth, and proceeded to bury his face in her chest, and wrap his arms around her waist.
"Night."
It was that quick, that simple, and Rick Grimes was snoring against her.
Beth chuckled quietly, and tried not to wake him. His instincts were spot on, she was indeed quite warmer, and so she assumed he was as well. Beth admitted to herself that she had missed this dearly. Sharing a bed –or chairs- with Rick made her feel safe and cared for, which were feelings that were difficult to come by, especially now.
She felt a little silly for what she had written earlier. Times like this, Beth remembered that Rick relied on her just as much as she relied on him. More than that, he enjoyed her company as much as she enjoyed his. She felt foolish for thinking that might change, no matter who he had to contend with.
She wondered what Maggie might think if she learned that her preferred method of sleep was in the arms of Rick Grimes.
Beth realized she didn't much care.
So sorry it took me so long to get this out, I had a dream about Shane and Lori so of course I had to write a quick one-shot. Stupid, stupid, stupid... 8k words later... its on my profile, 'Far From Perfect.' Beth's in it, because I am completely incapable of writing anything without her in it. I fully anticipate random crossovers in my future. Beth is a sith lord! Beth is on the island with Jack and Sawyer, rubbing elbows with her new bestie, Juliet! Beth finds herself in Storybrook and falls in love with Jefferson! Beth gets an internship in Stark Tower, and is constantly having to clean up after Avengers!
...
See, the problem is I don't even know if I'm kidding or not. But I digress. Also, to that point, I told you my other Rick/Beth one shot was titled Meet the Parents, but its actually "Meet the Folks." And yes, its on my profile. Now that I'm done plugging myself...
I just want to thank my reviewers. Every time I post a chapter, I get an update if someone reviews and it completely makes my day. I show them to my husband, and I get all smiley and everything. Yes I have no life. Indulge me, haha.
I hope you guys liked this chapter. I tried to keep some of the levity, but I hope it didn't overshadow how big of a moment this is for Beth. PTSD isn't something you ever 'get over' but finding the tools to deal with it is a huge deal. Coming to grips with it will help her become more like herself, though like she's mentioned, she's never going to be completely like she was again. But I digress (again.)
Thank you for reading!