Thank you guys so much for sticking with me! This one's a little shorter again, but next chapter is longer to make up for it. (It's already written! Can you believe that?!)
As always, I don't own The Walking Dead. However, The Schwalking Shwead starring Mick and Tess is all mine.
Rick had stolen Michonne's katana. He knew this was a bad idea, but he was finding it difficult to care in this particular moment. A gun was too impersonal for what he needed to do, and a knife too ineffective. She would give him hell for it later, but for now, getting out was what mattered.
He'd been walking for a while now, looking for the trees. The town was too quiet, there was nothing left. It was walkers he wanted, and walkers he needed for the first time since he had learned what they were. The sun was beating on him, making him hot, but the wind whipped around him, making his ears, nose, and fingers feel like ice.
It had started so good, everything was in place. They had decided as a group to stay at the store for a couple of days to let him heal up. His back was a mess, but it got better every day they were there. He had seen it then though; he hadn't been able to identify it for what it really was, but he had seen the twinge on Beth's features. The lie in her smile when she agreed they should stay.
Then of course there were the nights. Crawling out of the bed he shared with his son, because Beth and Michonne were too stubborn to take it, towards Beth's small mewls. They didn't wake anyone else up, but he knew the sounds, and when he was next to her, he knew by the way her face contorted what she was dreaming about. He'd take her hand, and she'd wake up with a gasp. Her eyes would settle on his face, and she would nod at him, in one part thanks, and one part reassurance that she was okay. Rick would nod back in acknowledgment of all this, but he never moved. He always just held her until she fell back asleep, or until the sun started coming up, whichever came first. Then he would crawl back to his bed like nothing had ever happened.
And neither of them ever said anything.
Because they couldn't talk about it, could they? Rick growled to himself as he marched through the trees. He couldn't just come right out and say, "Hey. Beth. I'm super into you. That time you kissed me? I was pretty sure I was going to die. Now when you're not next to me, I feel wrong. I feel like I've lost a limb. I don't want that, not ever. I want you, always. That ok?" No, that would be too easy. It had to be all drawn out stares across the room, and avoiding Michonne's watchful eye.
Because they hadn't talked about it before, either. If there had been a verbal agreement before the others had arrived, a spoken "yes let's do this thing" between the two of them. In fact, the more Rick thought about it, the more he wondered if Beth DID want to, in fact, 'do this thing.' She had kissed him, yes, and taken the comfort that he offered, but he also knew that she was hurting. And he was the only one there. So maybe he was just there to serve as her comfort, and she never took it nearly as seriously as he did.
Now there were other people. Now she could have Michonne for comfort if she needed it. Another woman surely would understand better than he would anyway.
He hated that thought.
Luckily it coincided with his entrance into the woods. He gripped Michonne's katana with both hands as he sliced through every walker he could find.
"Are you going to let me cut your hair?" Beth hummed, as she ruffled Carl's hair, knocking his hat off kilter.
"Don't mess with the hat, Beth!" Carl snickered, pushing her hands away. "I don't seeing you bothering dad about how long his hair is." He groaned, trying to turn Beth's attention off of him.
Rick watched as if in slow motion as Beth turned on her heels to face him. Her eyes appraised him, slicing through him.
"Hmmmm." She pondered, and Rick narrowed his eyes on his son, who was sticking his tongue out at him. Beth approached him, and ran a hand through his hair slowly, carefully. "It is different, though isn't it? His hair curls the longer it gets, so it never really looks any longer." She sighed, twirling a curl on her finger, even as Rick held his breath.
Rick swallowed loudly, and Beth's eyes flickered from his hair to his eyes, which were watching her hungrily. She smiled softly at him.
"I brought breakfast!" Michonne beamed as she turned the corner, already digging her fingers into a can of something. She pulled out a big slice of peach and dropped it into her mouth. "Mmm… I just love peaches, don't you?"
The change was instantaneous, and Rick was unprepared. Beth's eyes hardened immediately as she fell to the floor. She backed into the nearest corner and hugged her knees to her as she tried to catch her breath.
Rick knew what was happening, he had seen her go through it before. He tried to reach for her hand, but she didn't want it. Her eyes were clenched shut, and she was gasping for breath with such an alarming ferocity that Rick was truly worried for her.
"What's wrong with her?" Carl asked behind him, as he walked up and crouched next to Beth. "You're fine Beth, just take a deep breath." He said to her, and Rick tried to avoid rolling his eyes.
Michonne ended up on the other side of him, analyzing Beth, trying to figure out what had happened. "You guys need to back up, you're not helping. Give her space." Rick whispered to the two of them, and they obeyed, with a look cast between each other.
"Breathe with me Beth, come on." Rick whispered to her, trying to take deep breaths to make her breathe with him. But this was worse than what he'd seen before. He gently placed a hand on her knee, and her eyes snapped open, her blue irises on fire.
"Don't touch me!" she screamed, and she was on her feet and out of the aisle before Rick even knew how to react.
As soon as he had processed her movements, he was vertical, about to go after her, but Michonne's strong hand on his shoulder stopped him.
"Let me." She whispered, dropping her weapons onto the bed, and walking slowly after Beth.
Rick's emotions swirled within him, each fighting for domination. Worry was strong, but so was anger. He was just trying to help, and she had pushed him away and looked at him like… like he was… Didn't she know by now that he would never hurt her?
"I'm going outside." He mumbled to a confused and dazed Carl. Rick grabbed Michonne's katana off of the bed and headed outside.
Rick could feel blood splattering on his face as he worked his way through the walkers around him. He hated Michonne. He hated her for being what Beth needed. He hated himself for not being what Beth needed. He hated Beth for being what he needed. He wished that Michonne and Carl had never found them in the first place. It should have just been the two of them.
In the back of his mind, the small rational part of Rick's mind reminded him that he knew none of that was true. He ignored it for the moment, however, as he handled every walker that dared approach him. He savored the twisting pull of the muscles in his back, not caring if he aggravated his injury or not. He cherished the sun beating on him, and the sweat that dripped down his neck as he exerted himself too far.
He wanted to feel this pain, this hurt. He felt like he deserved it, because he had failed Beth. He had failed to be enough for her.
The walkers were gone too soon.
Rick's back slid down the trunk of a tree, the bark scratching at his back. His labored breath only reminded him of Beth's panic attack, and he wiped the blood and sweat out of his eyes in disgust. Reality set in on him, and he almost laughed at how ridiculous his train of thought had become. Did his worry for Beth really consume him like that?
He needed this. He needed the fresh air. He needed to be away from Michonne's eagle eye, Carl's youthful obliviousness, and Beth's intoxicating influence. He needed to have a moment, just to breathe.
When had this started? When had everything he was become so encapsulated by Beth? It wasn't a bad thing. She made him better; he always felt more at ease around her than he ever had in his life. She made him want to be braver, better for her. But at the same time, she scared the hell out of him. He hadn't felt this tied to human being since Carl had been born. When Carl was born, everything that he did was for him. He was the reason why he and Lori finally got married, and he moved out of the dank apartment he had shared with Shane for 4 years. Carl was his life.
Rick wiped Michonne's katana on his jeans that had been clean and new only a few days before. He knew what was really the issue, and it wasn't Beth. It was him. When they were in a group, Rick was the de facto leader; it wasn't what he had wanted or bargained for, but everyone instinctually looked to him, and he lead. He never had to do that with Beth; hell, it was never even discussed. They just worked as a team. Now Michonne and Carl were back, and they would be looking for the rest of the group soon.
Rick was afraid, that was true enough. But it wasn't of his feelings for Beth. It was his feelings for himself. Would he be allowed to be who he was with Beth? Would she even want him if he couldn't be?
Rick gripped his hair in his blood stained hands, and pulled his locks, letting out a frustrated yell. It was too much. Every day it was too much. Michonne and Carl were barely back, and he was already frustrated at all the people around him, no matter how much he loved them. He had to get out of his own head, and he had an idea on how to do it, but he didn't know if he'd be able to make it work.
Rick hoped Beth would go for it.
I fully admit this is a transition chapter. Rick needed some catharsis for all the crap that's rattling around in his head. Plus, I absolutely promise, its setting up for bigger and better things... that last line was your hint. :)
**THIS IS A PSA: Does the slow burn romance of Burden and Bury have you down? Are you ready for them to just shut up and do it already? Why not go check out the author's new one shot, "Hot and Cold"? Its pure Rick and Beth smut, and nothing else! Go read and review!**
I'm in a weird mood today. I'm sorry.
EDIT: My husband said I should explain the peaches thing. What Michonne said was a direct quote from Billy, with the peaches and all that. Which is of course what sent her spiraling into a panic attack. He said he hadn't remembered that, which offends me greatly, even though that chapter was eons ago.