May 27th, 1990
Dear Diary,
I hate to admit it, but daddy may have been right about Deacon.
I'm sitting alone in Deacon's old truck at the park. I left the apartment earlier after a day from hell with Deacon. He's been an asshole all day. I know he feels like hell, but it's his own fault. He overdosed on some pills, I didn't even know he was taking. We spent last night at the hospital.
I've tried to be patient, and help him today. He's been angry, irritable, and argumentative all day. Probably withdrawl, but I couldn't take another second in that apartment.
I'm not sure what to think or feel right now. I'm angry that he's kept things from me, but more angry at myself for not noticing he was on something. I've lived with him for 3 weeks and can't believe I missed it.
I was so worried last night when he wouldn't wake up. Amazing how worry has gone to anger and confusion. I have no desire to go home.
I love Deacon, but I'm not sure I can live with this side of him. He doesn't seem to want help, and I have no idea how to deal with this.
I want to stay angry, but part of me wants to curl up and cry.
I could run to my sister and move in with her. I could also go home, and try to work things out with Deacon.
Last night…
"You look so tired, Deacon. Why don't you let me drive, please?" Rayna asked as they drove back to Nashville after the 2nd of 6 small gigs Watty had arranged for them, this one in Franklin.
"Yeah, alright, baby." Deacon responded as he pulled to the side of the road yawning
He'd agreed, much to her surprise. He rarely let her do much to help him, and he knew she hated driving his old truck.
"Working all these hours and doing this tour, and rehearsals….it's too much, Deacon. You need to slow down. Let me get a job and help, or make Vince get a job." Rayna said as she pulled back onto the highway
"I'm too damn tired to fight right now, Ray. I just wanna lay my head on your soft lap, and dream of you, baby." Deacon was sound asleep, head on her lap less than a mile later
He was still out cold as Rayna pulled into their apartment parking lot 45 minutes later
"We're home, babe!" she ran her fingers through his thick hair as he slept on her lap
"Deacon…wake up, we're home." She tried again, but he didn't move
"Come on, Deacon! Lets go inside and get you to bed." She gently shook him, still nothing
"Deacon! You're scaring me. Wake up, babe, please!" she shook him harder, still nothing
"DEACON! DEACON!" she really shook him, and lightly slapped his face, nothing
She bent to check his breathing. He was breathing, but barely.
"DEACON! COME ON, WAKE UP, PLEASE?" she shook him as hard as she could. A pill bottle fell from his shirt pocket to the truck floor
"No, Deacon…what did you take?" she asked shaking him again
She slipped out from under him, running inside to call 911
"Vince, Deacon took this! I don't know what it is, but he won't wake up!" she handed Vince the bottle as she dialed 911
"Help me, PLEASE! My boyfriend took some pills and he won't wake up. Yes, he's breathing, but barely! Please hurry…" she was in tears as she explained what was happening to the dispatcher
"The ambulance is coming!" she told Vince who'd went to the truck to check on Deacon
"Come on, Deke! Wake up, buddy!" Vince tried shaking Deacon, but still nothing as the ambulance arrived
"Alright, get back folks! We'll take care of him." 4 EMT's pulled Deacon onto a stretcher as Rayna cried in Vince's arms
"I'm going with him!" Rayna climbed into the back of the ambulance as they loaded Deacon after several attempts to get a response failed
"I'll follow you in the truck." Vince said as the ambulance doors closed
"What's taking so long? It's been almost 2 hours!" Rayna was pacing the emergency room hallway
"I dunno. How many of those pills did he take?" Vince asked
"I didn't see him take any. They fell out of his pocket when I tried to wake him up."
"I told him he shouldn't take the damn things!" Vince sighed
"Wait…you knew he was taking something?" Rayna asked
"He takes em to help him sleep sometimes. It's not a big deal!"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL? WE'RE IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM, VINCE!" Rayna yelled
"Family of Deacon Claybourne?" a young doctor asked
"Yes, we're his roommates. Is he OK?" Rayna asked worried
"He's gonna be fine. We pumped his stomach, and given him charcoal to absorb the remaining drugs. We've got him on an IV drip to help flush his system. He's just gonna need to sleep off the drugs, and he'll probably feel like crap tomorrow. We'll keep him a few more hours to make sure he's OK."
"Can I see him?" Rayna asked
"Yeah, but he's still really groggy, and in a really bad mood! I'll be back later when he's more alert, and more willing to discuss treatment options."
"What do you mean, treatment options?" Rayna asked confused
"Are you a relative?"
"No, I'm his girlfriend."
"Why don't we wait till Mr. Claybourne is ready to talk. I'm not really at liberty to discuss his medical treatment with you. He's in ER 6 if you'd like to see him."
"Deacon! You scared the hell out of me!" Rayna grabbed Deacon for a hug as soon as she saw him. He looked horrible. Pale and sickly, dark circles under his eyes. Monitors and an IV drip attached to him.
"What happened? Where am I?" he asked confused as her hug woke him
"You're in the hospital. You took some pills, and wouldn't wake up. Why did you do this, Deacon?" Rayna asked tearfully
"I don't remember anything. Where am I?"
"I told you at the hospital!"
"I need to go home, and sleep." He groggily replied
"You can sleep here. They need to watch you for a few hours."
"I'm fine!"
"You're lying in a hospital bed! You're NOT fine, Deacon!" Rayna snapped
"Leave me the hell alone!" Deacon snapped, his demeanor turning dark suddenly
"Deacon, I'm here to help you. Please don't be like that."
"I SAID, I'M FINE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, ALRIGHT!" He was getting extremely agitated, spiking his heart rate, and blood pressure
"I'm gonna need you folks to leave the room. He's getting upset." A nurse said as she rushed in prompted by the beeping monitor
"I love you, Deacon! I'll be in the waiting room." Rayna's voice cracked as she sadly walked away
"OK, spill it, Vince! What do you know about the pills he's taking?" Rayna accusingly asked after several minutes in the waiting room
"He takes em to help him sleep, alright? I'm not sure what they are, but he's taken them for years. He has nightmares, I guess. I dunno…I don't ask. You know he's an intense guy, Rayna!"
"So he drinks daily and takes prescription pills?" Rayna innocently asked
"They aint prescription, Rayna!" Vince laughed
"This isn't funny, Vince! He was barely breathing!" Rayna snapped
"Look, Rayna….you're 18! You've led a pretty sheltered life. I'm not sure bein with Deke is the best thing for you. You're good for him. He's been happier than I've ever seen him since you guys hooked up, but he has some dark demons. He's always been moody. The guy has a heart of gold, but you aint really seen his temper in full force, and I really hope you don't. He's gonna kill me if I finds out I said any of this to you, but if you need an out, maybe this is it?"
"I don't want out, Vince! I love him! Whatever he's goin through, or needs help with, I'm gonna be there for him."
"Alright, I hope you really do love him. I know he loves you. He's never been like this with anyone else, and I've known him since we were kids. He's been on his best behavior since you moved in."
"He's asleep. I think it would be best if we just leave him alone for a few hours. We'll know more when his tests come back." The nurse that had ushered Vince and Rayna out of Deacon's room said sticking her head into the waiting room
A couple hours passed agonizingly slowly as Rayna listened to Vince snore in a recliner. The large red clock display in the waiting room read 2:46am. The hospital was quiet except for the constant beep and whir of monitors of machines.
Rayna quietly got up to use the rest room and splash some cold water on her face. She walked past Deacon's room to get some vending machine hot chocolate. He was sleeping. She paused by his door on her way back. She glanced toward the nurse's station. No one was around, or watching.
She slowly and as quietly as she could pushed the heavy door open, holding it so it closed lightly. Deacon looked a little better. His color was coming back, and his eyes weren't as dark underneath. She sat watching him in the chair a few feet from his bed.
He felt horrible when he woke to find her sitting next to his bed. She was sound asleep. Several cups littered the floor near her feet. Regret and shame consumed him as he watched the sun slowly creep up, casting light shadows from the blinds across her pretty face. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her how sorry he was, but at the same time he felt a need to push her away, protect her from a world she wasn't used to.
"Good, you're awake! How are you feeling Mr. Claybourne?" The doctor from the night before, and another doctor had come in
"I feel like shit! When can I get the hell outta here?" Deacon snapped, waking Rayna
"We need to discuss a few things, and go over the findings of your tests. Would you prefer to do this privately?" The unknown doctor asked, referring to Rayna being in the room
"I'm not leaving! We live together. I wanna know what's going on with him." Rayna stood her ground
"She can stay. Let's just get this over with!" Deacon sadly agreed, not completely sure what they were about to divulge
"Alright, Mr. Claybourne. This is Gene Rogers. He's a psychiatrist from our addiction unit. Your toxicology tests found sedatives, amphetamines, and alcohol in your system. You're lucky you had people that cared enough to get you here. You could have easily stopped breathing."
"I'm not so sure that would have been a bad thing." Deacon muttered unable to face Rayna
"Deacon! Don't say that!" Rayna's voice cracked
"We looked over your files and past records. You've been brought in 3 times in less than a year for similar issues. At this point we suggest a short term rehabilitation course of treatment. We're affiliated with several programs, or you can choose an outside clinic. Dr. Rogers can help you make the right choice given your situation."
"I don't need rehab!" Deacon snapped
"Well, I beg to differ Mr. Claybourne. 3 emergency room visits in less than a year, all life threatening, and all substance abuse related is excessive."
"Just bring me my release papers. I'm goin home!"
"Mr. Claybourne, you really need to consider….."
"LOOK, YOU CAN BRING THE GODDAMN RELEASE PAPERWORK, OR NOT, BUT I'M LEAVIN!" Deacon snapped, pulling out his IV, yanking off the monitors, and getting up
"Deacon, please, calm down! Just lay down. Let's talk about all the options." Rayna tried to calm him
"I AINT GOIN TO REHAB! I'M FINE! LET'S JUST GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Deacon was getting really irate
"It's certainly your choice. We can't force you into treatment, but we couldn't release you without explaining the options. If you'll please just have a seat. Calm down. We'll get your release paperwork ready!"
"Fine, great, yesterday would be good!" Deacon snapped sitting on the edge of the bed
Rayna wasn't sure what to say as the doctors left the room. Deacon's back was to her as she sat in the chair confused and unsure of what to do next. She'd had no idea Deacon was taking pills along with daily drinking.
"Guess you're pretty disappointed, huh?" he asked unable to face her
"More like shocked, Deacon!"
"I'm sorry, Ray!" he whispered, as he put his face in his hands
"Why are you taking pills? Where do you even get them?" she stammered still trying to wrap her mind around everything the doctors had said
"They're not that tough to get, Ray! I dunno….I took em last night to sleep. I popped a couple just before my head hit your lap in the truck. I just needed my mind to shut off, my legs to stop twitchin, ya know? I was so tired, but so restless."
"What about the other times the doctors mentioned?"
"The first time I don't remember anything. It was almost a year ago. I passed out in the truck. Somebody thought I was dead down by the riverfront and called 911. The 2nd time was alcohol poison. It was a few months back. Vince hadn't been in town long. We went to some party in East Nashville with some women. They had some homemade moonshine. I had a lot of it. Don't remember much more n that. Woke up in a hospital bed 3 days later."
"3 days?" Rayna asked in disbelief
"…and you don't think you need rehab?"
"Drop it! I aint goin to no rehab!" he snapped anger building again
"Deacon, I really think you nee…."
"DAMMIT RAYNA, I SAID DROP IT! IT AINT HAPPENIN!"
"This isn't over, Deacon! We're going to talk about this later when you calm down."
"THERE AINT NOTHIN TO TALK ABOUT!" he snapped as the nurse came in with release paperwork
"OK, I see you're already unhooked." The nurse quipped sarcastically seeing Deacon had already removed his IV ad monitors
"Sign here, and here's some literature and pamphlets on local rehabilitation centers the doctor wanted you to read. Here's an instruction sheet for the next 24 hours. Take it easy, make sure you drink a lot of water to continue flushing your system. You'll probably feel pretty nauseous. Call us if you have questions or anything seems odd. See the billing desk on your way out for your charges."
"Thank you very much." Rayna said taking the pamphlets and care sheet Deacon didn't reach for
"Is my truck here? Where the hell are my keys?" Deacon asked as they walked down the hall
"Yeah, Vince drove it here. He has your keys in the waiting room." Rayna said as they waited in line at the billing desk
"Claybourne…your total charges are $1164.32. Will that be cash, check, or charge?"
"You're gonna need to bill me, darlin! I don't got that kinda cash!"
"We can do that, but we prefer to get at least 10 percent before you leave the hospital. Can you cover $116 today?"
"So much for last night gig money!" Deacon quipped as he paid with cash from his wallet
"Why don't you let Vince drive, Deacon? You're still kinda shaky." Rayna suggested as Deacon reached for the driver's side door handle
"I'm fine! Will ya please quit bitchin at me?"
"I'm not, I just suggested…."
"YEAH, YA DONE ENOUGH SUGGESTIN TODAY!" Deacon snapped as he threw Vince his keys back and went around to the passenger side
"Just leave him alone! Let him deal with it. He'll be fine, OK?" Vince rubbed Rayna's back as he held open the driver's side door for her and helped her slide into the middle
"Anybody want breakfast?" Vince asked pulling into a McDonalds
"I JUST WANNA GO TO BED! IS THAT TOO DAMN MUCH TO ASK FOR?" Deacon snapped as Vince ignored him and got out
"Maybe you should try to eat something, Deacon? Might make you feel a little better?" Rayna quietly suggested
"FINE! GET ME WHATEVER YA WANT! I'M NOT MOVIN!" Deacon snapped throwing his wallet at Rayna as he laid his head against the back of the truck seat and slipped his dark sunglasses on
"You are just gonna be a joy today, aren't you?" Rayna sarcastically quipped purposely slamming the door as he grabbed his aching head
"I just got you a plain egg mcmuffin. Maybe it'll settle your stomach a little."
"Thanks, baby!" Deacon said a little calmer as he took the bag from Rayna
No one spoke as Vince drove the rest of the way home. Deacon was looking green again as they pulled into the parking lot. He quickly bolted from the truck and ran inside.
"Are you OK, babe?" Rayna asked as she knelt next to Deacon on the bathroom floor
"NO, RAYNA! I FEEL LIKE SHIT. JUST GO TO SCHOOL. ISN'T IT ABOUT THAT TIME?"
"I'm not leaving you, Deacon."
"RAYNA, GO….I don't need you to babysit my ass! Take the damn truck and go."
"FINE, DEACON! I HOPE TO HELL YOU'RE IN A BETTER MOOD LATER!" she snapped, tired of his attitude and snippiness
Deacon held his pounding head as she slammed the bathroom and apartment doors as she left
"What the hell did you do to Rayna?" Vince asked as Deacon emerged from the bathroom 45 minutes later
"Nothin, I'm goin to bed. I don't even give a fuck if the place is on fire. Leave me the hell alone!"
Deacon fell onto the bed, his clothes and boots still on. Several hours passed. He hadn't moved when Rayna came in to check on him around 4pm.
"Deacon, why didn't put something more comfortable on? You're soaked in sweat. Sit up."
"huh…wha…." He sleepily sat on the edge of the bed as Rayna removed his boots, jacket, and clothes, replacing them with boxers and a t shirt
"Is that better?" she asked as he flopped back against the pillows
"What time is it?" he groggily asked
"Almost 4. Do you feel like you could eat something?" she asked
"No, just leave me alone. Wake me up at 6:30. I gotta work at 8." He sleepily said, closing his eyes again
Several more hours passed. He hadn't moved. He woke noticing it seems awfully dark. He jumped from his slumber as the bedside clock changed to 9:03pm.
"Why the hell didn't you wake me up? I said 6:30!" He bellowed coming from the bedroom
Vince and Rayan were watching a movie, and Rayna was doing homework
"I called you in sick! You need to rest Deacon." Rayna told him as he reached for the phone to call the Bluebird
"I NEVER ASKED YOU TO DO THAT! I AINT MISSED A SHIFT IN 5 YEARS! I TOLD YA TO WAKE ME UP, RAYNA!" he snapped
"YA KNOW DEACON, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR CRAP TODAY! I'VE DONE NOTHING, BUT TRY TO HELP YOU! I DON'T CARE IF YOU FEEL BAD! YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF! I'M LEAVING!" Rayna yelled as she grabbed Deacon's truck keys and stormed out the door
"Wow, you finally pissed her off!" Vince laughed
"Shut the hell up, Vince!" Deacon quipped as he ran out to the balcony
"RAYNA…HEY…." He yelled down to the parking lot, but she didn't bother answer as she climbed into the truck and left
"You think she's comin back?" Vince asked as Deacon flopped in the chair holding his still aching head