May 28th, 1990
Dear Diary,
I'm still feeling so conflicted. Blake just took Deacon's truck back, and went to get my prom dress. I hope Deacon and Vince don't give him any problems.
I have a place to stay, no questions asked, with my sister if I decide to leave Deacon. It hurts to even write that "Leave Deacon"
I can feel myself softening towards him already, and dammit I really wanted to stay angry, keep him at a distance. I know if I allow him to creep into my thoughts, I'm going to cave and go right back to him.
Seeing him is going to kill me if I decide it's over. I won't be able to look into his sad eyes. Hurting him is the last thing I want to do, but I'm not sure I can live with the drinking and drugs.
His temper following the drinking and drugs is even more of a concern. I'm not sure what Vince meant by "I haven't seen the worst of it." How much worse could it be? He's already been a yelling, unreasonable asshole!
My biggest worry is his unwillingness to get help. If he really needs rehab, but refuses, what can I do?
I do love him. We do have this THING! I've never felt so connected to anyone, and fear I never will have this with anyone again. This pull towards him is unlike anything I can describe. We just mesh together as if we're one both onstage and off.
If I let him go, will I ever get over it? Will he just let me go without a fight? I know if he puts up any resistance I won't be able to fight him.
Tonight I just want to forget and have fun with friends. It's not the romantic vision I had of being on the dance floor in Deacon's arms, but it is what it is. Dateless, but panning to have a great night.
Senior prom…here I come!
Vince and Deacon at the apartment earlier in the day…
"You been up all night?" Vince asked as he lumbered out to the living room around noon
"Yeah, I slept all damn day yesterday." Deacon snapped
"uh huh…that aint why! She still not back?" Vince asked
"No!"
"What are you gonna do?"
"What the hell can I do? She took my truck. Can't go look for her."
"Did you try callin her friends, family, places she might be?"
"No!"
"How you planning to get to work in a few hours?"
"I aint. I called Sarah, told her what happened, the hospital and all. She told me take the weekend off. I been workin too many hours. I got nowhere to be till Monay at 4."
"Soooo you just gonna sit around here and mope about Rayna all weekend?"
"Maybe! Got a problem with that?" Deacon snapped
"Whatever man. I'm gonna get dressed and walk to the gas station up the street. It's gonna be a long weekend, and we're almost outta beer. You want anything?" Vince asked
"No!"
Downtown at Tandy's 8th floor condo…
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Tandy asked as Rayna shuffled out of the guest room
"I really don't wanna talk about it!"
"Rayna! You disappear for 3 weeks. Your family doesn't hear a word from you. Now you show up outta the blue and won't talk about it?"
"I didn't disappear, Tandy! Daddy kicked me out! He knew I was with Deacon!" Rayna snapped
"What did you expect, Rayna? He gave you some slack. Instead of honoring his rules for just a few weeks until school got out, you skip 2 days of school and run off with Deacon!"
"That is not what happened! I knew you'd side with Daddy. That's why I moved in with Deacon instead of coming here!"
"…and how's THAT working out, Rayna? Obviously not well if after only 3 weeks you're on my doorstep at midnight on a Friday!"
"We had a fight. All couples fight, Tandy! I'm sure things will be fine. I just needed some time away." Rayna quipped, not really wanting to get into the details about Deacon's overdose. The last thing she wanted was to admit Lamar had been right about Deacon.
"A fight about what?"
"I don't wanna talk about it!"
"Let me guess, Deacon's drinking?"
"You know what, comin here was a mistake! I'm just gonna go to Megan's. Sorry I bothered you!" Rayna grabbed her purse and Deacon's keys
"You know, Rayna, It's OK to admit you made a mistake. You thought you knew him. It's obviously not working. You can stay here. I'll send someone to Deacon's to get your things. I won't tell daddy you're here if that helps."
"I'll think about it, Thanks." Rayna tearfully hugged Tandy feeling a little better
"No strings. You don't have to tell me anything. I'd rather know you're safe here."
"OK, I might take you up on that, but right now I'm gonna run to Megan's. It's prom night. I'm gonna help her get ready, and do her hair."
"You're not going to your senior prom?" Tandy asked
"My dress is at Deacon's and I hadn't really planned to go anyway." Rayna sadly answered
"OK, I won't ask. Have fun with Megan."
"Why don't you just come with us? It'll be fun. We'll just make a group thing out of it. Kelsie doesn't have a date either." Megan said as she and Rayna tried a few different hair styles in Megan's bathroom
"I dunno, Meg. My dress is at Deacon's. I really don't wanna see him until I decide what I'm gonna do."
"You're seriously thinking about breaking up with Mr. Wonderful?"
"I don't know. I love him, but everyone seems to think he's not right for me. Watty worries about his drinking and temper. Daddy and Tandy both think he's a drunk after that stupid background check. Hell even Deacon's best friend Vince told me he thinks I'm too innocent to be with someone like Deacon!"
"…and what do YOU think?" Megan pointedly asked
"After his overdose, I'm thinking maybe they're all right? Maybe I jumped into this? Maybe moving in together after only a couple months was a mistake, and I really don't know him at all? He has a really bad temper, and according to Vince I haven't seen the worst." Rayna teared up thinking about Deacon
"…but what about the good parts? The reason you're so crazy about him?" Megan asked trying to cheer her up
"That's what makes this so hard. Even with all of Deacon's faults, he's the most caring, loving guy I've ever met. He loves me unconditionally, and I dunno how to describe it, but we just have this THING, this connection that I feel like I'll never have with anyone else ever. Onstage he takes away all the fear, all the anxiety. I just feel like onstage we can do anything together."
"You've only lived together a few weeks. They say the first year living with someone is the hardest…"
"I know, but then there's the overdose and his drinking, and finding out he takes pills regularly, he's been in the ER THREE times in less than a year for overdoses! How do I deal with that part of him?"
"Have you asked him to stop drinking, stop the pills?"
"I'm not sure he can without help."
"It's a lot to consider, but I know you're crazy about him, and it sounds like he's crazy about you. Take all the time you need to make the right choice for you, not what everyone else thinks about Deacon."
"You're right, and that's why I'm stayin away from him. I know as soon as I look into his eyes, he'll be sorry, and I'll just cave and let him make it all up to me. I need to clear my mind and make a choice away from him."
"…and that's why you should go to prom with us as a group! Come on! It'll be fun! I'll have Blake go get your dress. He'll do it."
"Alright, you talked me into it. Do you think Blake would take Deacon's truck to him? I feel kinda bad. I just took it last night. He has to work at 4."
"Shower did wonders! Feelin much better!" Deacon said as he emerged from a steamy bathroom in fresh clothes
"There's a couple cases of beer in the fridge. Wanna order a pizza?" Vince asked
"uuhhh…nah…my stomach's still pretty tender from the hospital pumpin it and that charcoal crap they forced down me. I'll just stick with ginger ale and soup."
"YOU aren't drinkin or eatin pizza? Even if I buy?" Vince offered
"Thanks, but no, not tonight." Deacon answered as he went to get some ginger ale and see what kind of soups Rayna had in the cabinet
"OK, more for me! We don't ever agree on toppings anyway!" Vince quipped grabbing the phone for his pizza order
"Hey, was Ray here?" Deacon asked noticing his truck keys on the countertop
"Oh, no! Some guy named Blake brought the truck back and asked for Rayna's prom dress."
"WHAT?" Deacon asked getting angry
"I dunno, Deke. He was at the door when I got back from the gas station. Handed me the truck keys and asked for Rayna's dress."
"…and you gave it to him?" Deacon snapped
"What the hell are you gonna do man? Hold her underwear for ransom if she doesn't wanna come back?" Vince laughed
"Was she with him?" Deacon asked, jealousy consuming him
"Didn't see her. I don't think so."
"WHO THE FUCK IS BLAKE?"
"Hey, relax Deke! I'm pretty sure Megan said her boyfriend's name is Blake. I bet that's who came here, alright?"
"Damn well better be Megan's boyfriend! I find out Rayna has a date tonight and…." He trailed off swallowing a lump in his throat thinking about Rayna with someone else
"…and what? If she doesn't wanna come back, you need to just let her go. You knew from day one the odds were stacked against you two workin out."
"Things were goin pretty good till I fucked it up with those damn pills! I need to talk to her." He grabbed his keys and was out the door before Vince could stop him