May 29th, 1990
Dear Diary,
It's nearly 4am. I should be sound asleep after a relaxing hot tub soak, hours of love making, making up with Deacon, followed by another soak.
He's snoring next to me in Watty's guest room. He's so peaceful. I know I'll never love anyone as much as this gorgeous man next to me.
I don't know how he does it, but he takes me from ready to end it all, to feeling so in love with him, it physically hurts.
I never asked him to prom. I figured he wouldn't go. He's almost 22. Somehow he managed to show up tonight, in a tux, looking amazing to surprise me. I got my perfect first dance with the man I love.
Somehow, someway, Deacon always seems to know exactly what I need.
I'm still worried about him, and a little angry about parts of his life he's kept from me. I have doubts about his drinking and drug use. I'm not sure he can stop on his own, but he asked me have faith in him, and give him the chance to try.
So, for now I'll keep my doubts to myself and try to be the support system he needs. I just hope and pray he's strong enough to do this, for me, for us.
Earlier in the evening….
Deacon parked down the street from the high school. His old truck stood out like a sore thumb amongst the BMW's, Mercedes, and limos lining the parking lot at Rayna's private high school. He'd never gone to prom back in Natchez, but he assumed it wasn't anything quite this formal.
People from his high school in Mississippi didn't have this kind of money. His family certainly didn't have much. His mom worked long, hard hours as a waitress just to feed and clothe Deacon and his older sister Beverly. His dad rarely kept a job long, and drank away any money he made.
He waked closer for a better view hoping to catch a glimpse of Rayna, but had no idea what kind of car to look for. All he knew was she'd be in that beautiful shimmery navy blue dress, and if he hadn't been such as ass, she'd be on his arm tonight.
He felt like a creep hiding behind trees, but he had to see her. Trying to stay in the shadows, away from the street lights, he waited. Finally after 10 to 15 minutes had passed she stepped from a limo with a group of friends. He watched closely as Megan hooked arms with her date. Jennifer and her boyfriend shared a kiss. A chubby guy he'd never seen seemed to be alone and chatting with the two guys who had dates. Kelsie and Rayna were chatting and lingering behind the group.
"She's alone! …and absolutely gorgeous in that dress!" he thought smiling, feeling relieved. Seeing her with a date would have killed him
He started to walk towards the group, but suddenly stopped, looking down at his faded old jeans and most comfortable, but well-worn denim shirt.
"I can't walk in there like this!" he sadly thought, suddenly remembering Watty lived nearby
He quickly walked the block back to his hidden truck and headed for Watty's house.
"Hey Wat, I'm glad you're home. Sorry to show up like this unannounced. I need a favor?" he asked standing on Watty's front steps
"Is everything alright, Deke? Rayna's OK, right?" Watty asked worried. Deacon had never come to his house this way
"Yeah, yeah, Ray's fine. Ahhh..it's prom night. We had a little argument, and I'd like to make it all up to her, show up and be the date she needs me to be, but I aint good at these formal shindigs. I need a tux or suit." He told the older man
"Well…you're about my build and height, little taller. I keep one around for all those boring formal black tie things I get invited to. Let's see if it'll work."
"Little short in the arms and legs, but not too noticeable. I think it'll work, kid! What size shoe are you, Deke?" Watty asked digging around in his closet
"uuhhh 9"
"Perfect, me too! Here's some black socks and dress boots. Boots will cover up the pants bein a little short. Nobody'll notice with the boots on."
"Thanks, Watty! I really appreciate it." Deacon said as he bent to slip on the socks and boots
"Sure, kid…you're like a son to me, and Rayna's like a daughter. I expect a prom picture." He smiled as they walked towards the door
"That means a lot Wat. You're more like a father to me than my daddy ever was."
"You know I have plans tonight, and probably won't be back till tomorrow. There's a nice hot tub out back, and the guest room is comfortable. Why don't you bring Ray here after the dance. There's a nice selection of wine and beer in the fridge. All I ask is if you drink, stay here all night. Don't drive."
"I'm not sure what to say. Thanks Watty. You're the best." Deacon hugged him
"No problem. I'd rather know you're here and safe. These kids nowadays get crazy on prom night. I told Ginny I'd always look out for her girls."
"One more detail…" Watty said as they walked out to the driveway
"You don't gotta do anything else, Wat. I just didn't wanna look like a bum. The tux woulda been plenty."
"It's not a limo, but take my caddy!" Watty handed Deacon the keys to his brand new Cadillac
"No, Watty, I couldn't…."
"Take it kid! Gimme your truck keys. We'll switch for the night."
"You don't wanna drive that old rust bucket."
"It's fine, Deke. Got a date with a country girl. Maybe we'll cruise the back roads later." Watty laughed as he took Deacon's truck keys
"Thanks, Dad!" Deacon hugged Watty again before leaving in the shiny black Cadillac
The dance was well underway by the time Deacon arrived. He searched the dance floor. Rayna was nowhere to be seen. He finally spotted her off to the side, near the punch bowl with Kelsie. She seemed a little sad as she watched the other happy couples on the dance floor. The music wasn't country. It was mostly rock as he contemplated how he wanted to approach her. These kids didn't seem the country type as he thought about his DJ request for a first dance with Rayna.
After some careful thought, he finally made his request, and as the instrumental intro began, he approached Rayna.
"This one goes out to Rayna from Deacon." The DJ announced
Rayna looked up shocked as she heard her name. Deacon was more handsome than she'd ever seen him as he walked across the dance floor towards her in a tux.
"I know I don't deserve it, but can I please have this dance?" he whispered in her ear
"Deacon…I…." her eyes got a little misty as she let him lead her to the dance floor
"Shhhh…don't say anything, Ray. Just give me this dance. We'll talk after, OK?" he smiled and pulled her tight against him as they slow danced
"Never Say Goodbye" Bon Jovi
As I sit in this smokey room
The night about to end
I pass my time with strangers
But this bottle's my only friend
Remember when we used to park
On Butler Street out in the dark
Remember when we lost the keys
And you lost more than that in my backseat baby
Remember how we used to talk
About busting out - we'd break their hearts
Together - forever
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Say goodbye, never say goodbye
Holdin' on - we got to try
Holdin' on to never say goodbye
Remember days of skipping school
Racing cars and being cool
With a six pack and the radio
We didn't need no place to go
Remember at the prom that night
You and me we had a fight
But the band they played our favorite song
And I held you in my arms so strong
We danced so close
We danced so slow
And I swore I'd never let you go
Together - forever
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Say goodbye, never say goodbye
Holdin' on - we got to try
Holdin' on to never say goodbye
I guess you'd say we used to talk
About busting out
We'd break their hearts
Together - forever
Never say goodbye, never say goodbye
You and me and my old friends
Hoping it would never end
Say goodbye, never say goodbye
Holdin' on - we got to try
Holdin' on to never say goodbye
yeah yeah
By the end of the song she was holding him just as tightly. Neither wanted to let go.
"I'm sooo sorry, Ray! C'mon…We need to talk." He gently led her to a bench in front of the school, away from the crowd
"You're so goddamn beautiful in that dress, Ray!"
"You're awfully handsome in that tux, Deacon! …but it doesn't change what happened." She looked away sadly, trying to retain her resolve, when all she really wanted to do was fall into his arms, and let him make it all up to her, one sweet kiss at a time.
"I know that, baby! I haven't touched any pills or alcohol since the hospital, and I'm gonna try not to."
"I'm not sure you can do it alone, Deacon!"
"Let me try? Please? For you, I think I can. If I fail, I promise I'll agree to rehab, OK?"
"I don't know, Deacon. You scared the hell out of me! I'm not sure I can go through that again, and then after, you were so angry and …." She was crying, trying to stay angry with him, not let him back in, but he was trying so hard. He was adorable in his tux. He'd requested the perfect song. He'd given her the vision she'd had in his arms on the dance floor. All without her asking, or even really knowing. He just knew her that well.
"Please, baby? Give me another chance? Come home? I miss you. I need you. I can't do this alone." He was pleading with tears in his eyes, as her resolve crumbled and she ended up crying in his arms
"I love you soo much, Deacon! Don't you ever scare me like that again! When you wouldn't wake up I….." she completely broke down in his arms thinking about what could have happened
"I'm sorry! I'm soo sorry, Ray! I didn't mean to scare you." He pulled back to brush the red locks from her face
"I'm still mad at you!" she half way smiled, still trying to fight his charm
"Oh yeah? What do I need to do to fix that?" he smiled and leaned in for a kiss
"How's that?" he whispered against her bare neck and shoulders planting sweet kisses
"…or that?" he nibbled her neck just below her right ear, his scruff tickling all the right spots
"I'm a little less mad." She smiled and pulled him to her by his tux lapels for a deep kiss
"You let me know when you're not mad anymore." He whispered against the nape of her neck
"I'm not sure we can achieve that here." She smirked, all resolve gone. He had her back, even if she wasn't ready to admit it yet
"That sounds like a challenge, and I happen to have a hot tub with your name on it nearby." He smirked
"A hot tub, huh?" she smiled wickedly
"mmmm….hhhmmmmm…..why don't you let your friends know you'll be leaving the party a little early?" he laughed as he continued the sweet suckling all around her neck
"Does that mean you accept the challenge?" she laughed giving him a few more quick pecks on the lips as she pulled him up
"Baby, if it means I get you back, I'll accept any challenge you wanna throw at me, OK?" he agreed as they went back into the dance hand in hand
"OK, I told Megan we're gonna sneak out early."
"There is one more thing we need to do before we go." He pulled her to the photo area and into a tight embrace for their first professional portrait together
"I didn't know you were so sentimental, Deacon."
"We'll need about half a dozen copies when those come in. I promised one to someone special that helped me out quite a bit tonight, and you probably won't get me in a tux again till our weddin day, or your first CMA." He just laughed as he opened the passenger side Cadillac door for her
"Watty?" she asked as Deacon climbed into the driver's seat
"Yeah, he helped me out tonight with the tux, car, and said we can have his house for the night. He's out with a date." Deacon smiled as he started the Cadillac
"You don't wanna go home?" Rayna asked
"We can if you want, baby. There's Vince in his underwear, watchin pornos back at our place, or we can have Watty's big ole house all to ourselves with a hot tub out back." He laughed
"I'll take anywhere you are, Deacon!" she pulled him close for a quick kiss
"I'd kinda like to have you all to myself in that hot tub tonight, Ray. I'm soo sorry about the damn pills, and makin you sit at the hospital all night, bein a damn jackass after all of it."
"That's not really the part that I'm worried about, Deacon. The doctors think you need help, and after everything I've seen, I do too." She cautiously approached the subject of rehab
Deacon was quiet as he drove the few miles to Watty's. Rayna couldn't really read his expression. She hoped she hadn't pissed him off again.
"Deacon, I didn't mean to upset you. I don't wanna fight anymore. I'm worried about you." She tried again as he opened the door for her in Watty's driveway
He took a deep breath and blew it back out, still not saying anything as he unlocked the front door.
"What are you afraid of, Deacon?" she asked
"Nothin." His tone was flat. She knew he was getting mad.
"Will you at least consider…."
"No!" he cut her off before she could finish
"…but you just said a little while ago if you couldn't do it alone, you'd agree to rehab! Has that changed already?" she asked
"If it has, you'll be out that door in a second, won't ya?" he asked sadly
"Yeah." She whispered barely audible
He slumped onto the couch, his face in his hands as he contemplated his next words carefully. Losing Rayna was the last thing he wanted.
"I've been to rehab once, Ray!"
"What? When?" she asked
"I was 19. Got my second DUI. The judge decided to go easy on me. Forced me into court ordered rehab instead of jail time."
"How did you end up dinking again?"
"Hell, I only went cause it was court ordered! Kept my ass outta jail. I did what they asked for a 21 day program. Hated every second of talkin about my past, why I think I drink or take pills, or smoke pot. Blame my parents and rotten childhood for everything. Buncha crap, right?"
"So, you didn't take it seriously?"
"I was 19! I didn't take anything seriously then. What I do remember was bein forced to talk about my childhood. It's a time period I just wanna forget. I don't wanna rehash painful memories, or blame my dad and mama for everything I've ever fucked up! I don't wanna go through that again, Rayna!"
"Deacon! You need help!" Rayna tried to reason with him
"I've never had a reason to stop drinkin…until you! I can do this, Ray! Just let me try without doctors and therapists that wanna analyze me back to birth. I can't sit through all that crap again. Please, Ray? Just have a little faith in me?" he begged hoping his rehab refusal wouldn't send her running for the door.
"OK, I do have faith in you. I'm here to support you. Talk to me, if you need to about anything, babe. I love you."
"So we're good? You'll come home?" he asked hopeful
"Yeah, but first I want you in that hot tub!" Rayna smirked and pulled him to her by his tux lapels for a kiss
"I hope Watty really is out for the night!" Deacon laughed as they left a trail of tux pieces, Rayna's dress, and shoes from the living room to the hot tub out back