Feb 14th, 1991
Dear Diary,
I just feel lost. Everything has gone to hell with Deacon.
This isn't how I'd pictured our first Valentine's Day together.
He's been in rehab for 2 weeks. I haven't spoken to him since that horrible night. I couldn't even deal with him. I had to have Watty bail him out of jail, and force him into a rehab facility.
I can't read his letters, or cards. I know he's sorry. He's always sorry.
A while back Vince told me I hadn't seen the worst of Deacon's temper. I had no idea how much worse he meant until a couple weeks ago.
I still can't believe the same gentle, loving man I fell in love with could turn into the angry, violent man I witnessed that night.
I didn't want to believe he was as bad as everyone tried to tell me he was.
I still love him. I miss him like crazy.
I'm just not sure the man I miss even exists. Maybe everyone has been right all along, and I should stay away from him.
I never thought I'd be scared of him, but his temper terrifies me. I've spent several sleepless nights over the past couple weeks wondering if he'd hurt me. What if the police hadn't shown up when they did? How far would Deacon have gone?
I don't want to believe he's as bad as everyone says. I want to believe he's worth fighting for, worth loving, and once he's better he'll make things right, and be the man I know he is.
Earlier in the day…
"You gonna get that?" Vince asked as the phone rang for the 7th or 8th time that morning
"Nope." Rayna replied sadly
"You can't ignore him forever."
"I can for the next 2 weeks." She snapped and slammed the bedroom door as she left Vince alone in the living room. She was still upset with him too over the chain of events leading to all of this.
"Oh for Christ Sake! This is fuckin stupid!" Vince snapped as the phone rang again
"Hello."
"Hey man, How are things at home?" Deacon asked
"ahhhh…good, good…How are you? Doin OK in there?" Vince asked
"Been better, but workin the program, ya know? Finally got phone and visitor privileges today. I was hopin maybe you and Ray might show up, but…" Deacon's voice trailed off sadly
"Yeah, hey…you know what, I'll be there in a little bit buddy." Vince felt a twinge of guilt, after all he was partially to blame for the events leading up to Deacon's rehab admittance 2 weeks earlier
"Is Ray home?" Deacon cautiously asked
"uuhhhh…I think she might have gone to the store or a friends or somethin…" Vince fumbled for a good lie, not wanting to tell Deacon she still didn't want to talk to him
"It's alright, Vince. I can always tell when you're lyin. She doesn't wanna talk to me, does she?" he asked sadly
"No." Vince admitted, no point lying
"Look…uuhmm…you don't gotta come today. I'm suddenly not much feelin like company anyway. Just tell her I called, and I love her." Deacon's voice cracked just before he hung up
Vince felt horrible for Deacon as he hung up. There was a stack of unopened love letters from the past two weeks piled on the countertop. A dozen dead roses, Rayna hadn't even bothered to put in water next to them. A fresh bouquet of red roses that had just arrived for Valentine's Day. Rayna had simply tossed them next to the dead ones from last week.
A couple months earlier…
The tour opening for Vince Gill had turned into a more permanent gig for Deacon and Rayna. They'd been opening for him since August, and finally got a long break for the holidays in late November.
Rayna loved every second of life on the road with Deacon that first time out. They had their own luxury bus and often nights in nice hotels all over the US. They were together constantly, but she still felt like she couldn't get enough of Deacon.
Her dreams were all falling into place. They were so in love most nights they barely made it back to the bus or hotel room. Deacon was attentive and supportive in every way possible. The shows were amazing and their popularity was growing both onstage and off.
For the most part Deacon had kept his promise to remain sober. He only drank a little at after parties and maybe a few beers here and there with meals or while watching a game with the guys from the band.
That all changed while they were home for the holidays, and back in the apartment with Vince. Deacon began drinking heavily every night again. He often slept all day, and woke hungover and in a foul mood, only to repeat the cycle that night.
Rayna had hoped they'd look for a house and new car while they were home and had time. Vince really didn't factor into her plans for a life with Deacon, which caused several fights during the break.
Near the end of the nearly 6 week break Rayan left early one morning to house and car shop alone. Deacon was passed out and refused to get up as usual. She gave up after fighting with him for over an hour to get up.
Her first stop was a BMW dealership. She'd never bought a car alone before. She drove a few shiny new Beemers and finally settled on a black one identical to the red one her father had taken away from her.
Once the paperwork was complete she drove away in her new car, happy with her purchase, but sad that Deacon hadn't helped her like he'd said he would.
She stopped at a small café in East Nashville for lunch, and drove around the quaint neighborhood after looking at houses. She finally spotted a for sale sign in front of a stone house on Boscobel street. She pictured fall nights on the porch swing with Deacon.
Nearing the end of their time home in Nashville she knew they wouldn't have time to buy it and move. She told herself if it was still for sale when she got back in a month she'd call the realtor. Taking one last look around, she grabbed a flyer from the box on the for sale sign.
It was after 3pm by the time she arrived home. Vince and Deacon were already drinking again in front of a football game, both yelling at the TV.
"Where ya been, baby?" Deacon asked giving her a quick peck on the way to the fridge for another beer
"I went out for lunch and bought a car!" she exclaimed
"What? You bought a car? Without me?" Deacon wasn't happy
"Well…ya know we said we were gonna look at cars and houses while we had time on this break…." She stammered unsure of why he was angry
"Yeah, Ray …WE…as in together! You're 18! What the hell did you buy?" he snapped, throwing his beer cap into the sink
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child, Deacon! If you weren't hungover everyday maybe we could've done this together!"
"What the hell did you buy?" he asked again angrier
"A BMW, like the one I had!" she snapped back
"YOU BOUGHT A FUCKIN BMW? WHAT THE HELL FOR, RAYNA?"
"We needed a reliable car, Deacon! Your old truck's on its last leg. It barely starts most mornings." She tried to reason with him
"…and you didn't consider that maybe we need another truck? How the hell are we supposed to get luggage and equipment in a car?" he'd stopped yelling, but clearly wasn't happy
"I don't know. I guess I didn't think about that. I tried to get you up to go with me. We only have a few more days home."
"You're takin it back!"
"NO, I'M NOT, DEACON! I MADE A BIG DOWN PAYMENT WITH MY PART OF THE SIGNING BONUS. IF YOU WANT A TRUCK, GET ONE WITH YOUR MONEY!" she yelled tired of being treated like a child
"WAIT, DID YOU SAY YOU MADE A DOWN PAYMENT? YOU DIDN'T PAY IT OFF? HOW MUCH DID THE DAMN CAR COST?" he yelled
"70 THOUSAND! I GAVE THEM 50 DOWN!"
"YOU SPENT 50 GRAND, AND STILL OWE 20? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKIN, RAYNA? WE DON'T HAVE YOUR DADDY'S KINDA MONEY! WE JUST GOT OUR FIRST SIGNING BONUS. WE'VE BEEN SO GADDAMN BUSY WITH THE TOUR, WHO KNOWS WHEN WE'LL FINISH AN ALBUM AND HAVE MORE MONEY COMIN IN!"
"FINE, DEACON! I'LL TAKE IT BACK! MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T DRUNK EVERY NIGHT AND HUNGOVER EVERY DAY WE COULD HAVE WENT CAR SHOPPING TOGETHER!" she ran to the bedroom sobbing, and slammed the door
"You do sound like her dad!" Vince quipped from the couch
"Did I ask for your opinion?" Deacon snapped
"You really gonna make her take it back?" Vince asked
"Shut up, Vince!" Deacon replied grabbing his keys. He knew he needed some cool off time away from the apartment
He drove around for an hour, sat at the park for a while working on some lyrics he'd had on his mind, and finally stopped at Rayna's favorite Chinese restaurant for some take out dinner before heading home.
"Hey, I got your favorite sweet and sour chicken for dinner. You hungry?" he asked cautiously poking his head into the bedroom, feeling a little guilty for yelling at her earlier.
"Not really." Rayna flatly replied barely looking up from her journal
"I'm sorry I got so upset about the car. You're right. I should have got up and went with you today. I haven't drank anymore today. I don't wanna fight about the car or Vince or anything else, OK?" he asked squeezing her hand
"You were right. It was stupid and too much money. I'll take it back tomorrow." She replied sadly
"It's your money, Ray. I aint your daddy. It's your choice, baby." He smiled and leaned in for a kiss
"You're not gonna be mad if I keep it?" she asked perking up a little
"Not if you let me take it for a test ride after dinner." He laughed pulling her into his arms
"OK, hey…there's a house on Boscobel street I want you to see." Rayan smiled pulling the flyer from the stone house from her purse
"Pease tell me you didn't…."
"No, no…of course I didn't buy a house without telling you. Just a BMW." She laughed and let him kiss her again
"Whew….well, looks pretty practical. We'll talk about it, OK?" he smiled and put the flyer on the night stand
A few hours later, after dinner Rayna let Deacon drive the new BMW. She gave him directions to the house she liked.
"Looks empty. We could try out the swing." Rayna coaxed him out of the car in front of the house
"This is nice, baby. I could sit here all night holdin you." He bent to kiss her as they gently swung watching the Nashville sun set
"If it's still available when we get back in a month maybe we can call the realtor?" she asked
"A house is a lot of work, Ray. This one looks like it needs some. Maybe we should look around a little more." He suggested
"I love this one, Deacon!"
"OK, if it's still available in a month…"
"I love you!" she was kissing him before he could finish
"Why don't we continue this at home?" he whispered as he dotted kisses down her chest
"Are you suggesting make up sex?" she playfully pulled him up by the collar of his denim shirt
"Best kind!" he smirked leading her to the car, stealing kisses all the way
"Guess you two made up, huh?" Vince laughed as they continued kissing all the way to the bedroom when they got home
"We'll see you in the mornin! No interruptions tonight, please?" Deacon asked as he closed the bedroom door
"Ray…Ray…the phone…" Deacon gently reached over a snoring Rayna to her nightstand trying to silence a ringing phone
"It's not even 7am. This better be important!" Deacon snapped irritatedly into the phone
"It is. Is Rayna awake?" Bucky their new manager asked
"NO, she's asleep. What is it Buck?" Deacon snapped
"We have a little problem. We lost James your bass player. His wife has some medical issues and he's not gonna be able to go back out on tour." Becky explained
"…and you needed to call NOW?" Deacon was still irritated with the early call
"What's wrong, babe?" Rayna sleepily put her head on Deacon's bare chest
"It's Bucky." Deacon mumbled handing Rayna the phone
"What? He couldn't decide that a month ago? He waited till now to drop this?" Rayna was frantic as Bucky explained
"I know. I know. I guess she's been doing worse this week. James just decided he's not leaving her again." Bucky said as Rayna freaked out
"We leave for Vegas tomorrow morning, Buck! Where are we gonna get a bass payer that quick for a New Year's Eve show."
"I'm looking. I was hoping maybe you might know some people?" Bucky asked
"Not right off the top of my head. Deacon might."
"See what you can do and I'll keep calling around. We'll figure something out." Bucky tried to reassure her
"Deacon might what?" he sleepily mumbled
"Know a bass player we can get for New Year's Eve, maybe longer?"
"We'll talk about it later. I'm tired, Ray. It's a good tired…you kept me up pretty late with all that makin up, but later, baby, OK?" his voice sleepily trailed off
"Alright, yeah I know it's short notice. I just thought you might know someone. Thanks anyway, Watty." Rayna sighed and hung the phone up as Deacon shuffled from the bedroom, wrapping his arms around her at the counter
"No luck findin a bass player, huh?" he asked
"Nope, we should probably start packin, babe. All your laundry is done in that basket by the door."
"You been up a while?"
"Yeah, what are we gonna do without a bass player, Deacon?"
"What about Vince?" Deacon suggested
"NO, absolutely not! There is no way, Deacon!" Rayna protested
"Ray…just think about it! He's heard all our material. He knows our set. It's not like he's got anything better to do."
"He's got nothing better to do because he loses every damn job he gets, Deacon! He's not reliable. What makes you think he'd be any better working for us?"
"I'll watch him, Ray. I'll make sure he shows up for every rehearsal and performance."
"…and who's gonna watch YOU, Deacon?"
"That was kinda a low blow! I'm tryin to help here, Ray! We're outta options."
"I dunno, Deacon. You two together is never a good combination especially on tour, the drinking, the after parties, the women…"
"Oh come on, Ray! You know you're the only woman I've looked at in damn near a year!"
"I meant Vince and women. You and the drinking with Vince around will be the problem."
"Jesus Rayna, didn't I stop drinkin yesterday afternoon cause you were upset about it? I went damn near 4 fuckin months on tour with barely a drop cause you asked me to stop. Do you have any faith in me at all?" Deacon asked hurt as he grabbed the basket of clean laundry, slammed the bedroom door and started packing
"Deacon, I'm sorry. I have faith in you. I love you. You're right. Vince would be great." Rayna apologized 20 minutes later as Deacon irritatedly packed, throwing items in his bag
"You sure about that? Just seems like no matter how well I do you're just waitin for me to fuck up!"
"I'm sorry. I worry, OK. You were gonna go to rehab and it hasn't been possible with the tour and all. You just…get off track easily and Vince seems to just encourage the drinking and drugs."
"It aint got a damn thing to do with Vince, Ray! You never believe in ME! I got a few errands to run before we leave tomorrow. I'll be back later!" he snapped, grabbing his keys from the nightstand
"Deacon…" he was gone before she could stop him
As she feared the next month on a tour bus with Deacon and Vince was pure hell. Deacon was mad and holding a grudge after their chat about Rayna having no faith in him. The way he saw it, it didn't really matter what he did, or how hard he tried. He'd never be good enough. She'd always be waiting for his next screw up.
Most days she had to drag both of them to rehearsals hungover after fighting to get them up, showered and dressed in time. After shows there was usually a fight about going back to the bus or hotel. She longed for the first leg of the tour when Deacon couldn't wait to get back to the bus or hotel with her. Now he couldn't wait to get to a bar or after party quick enough.
She sat up worrying for hours when they disappeared in a strange cities, wondering if they were drunk or dead. Surprisingly, they managed to make it through the final month of the tour with no hospital or jail visits. The first week home in Nashville was worse than being on tour with two drunks.
She'd been lying awake watching as the clock ticked through the hours…2:26am…3:04am…3:47am…4:14am. She finally managed to drift off to sleep only to wake to a ringing phone at 4:58am.
"Hello." She answered flatly knowing it was bad
'Hey….." Deacon's raspy voice came through the line
"Which is it this time? Jail? ER?" she asked accusingly before he could say anymore
"Jail….Ray, I'm sorry! It wasn't my fault. I swear it…."
"I don't care, Deacon! I can't keep doing this with you." Her voice cracked as she hung up on him
The phone rang again a few minutes later
"Pease don't hang up. It's my only call. Deke already used his. Are you gonna bail us out?" Vince asked
"No!" was all she said before hanging up on him too
Both were held for just over 24 hours until after an initial judge hearing. Both were released with notices to appear and not leave the county. Deacon was mad as hell when they arrived back at the apartment the next morning.
The first thing he did was grab a bottle of Jack Daniels from the fridge.
"Deacon, honestly, it's 10am!" Rayna bitched, grabbing the bottle from him, putting it away again
"Why the fuck didn't you bail us out?" he snapped
"I'm tired of bailing you out. Maybe you'll learn to behave yourself if you have to sit in a jail cell from now on." She snapped back
"I tried to tell you it wasn't my fault. Maybe if you'd a listened…"
"OH FOR CHRIST SAKE, DEACON! I'M DONE LISTENING! IT'S NEVER YOUR FAULT! THERE'S ALWAYS AN EXCUSE WHY YOU DIDN'T DO IT!"
"FINE! I DON'T NEED THIS SHIT! I'M OUTTA HERE!" he yelled, grabbing his keys and storming out
It was nearly 8pm before he came back, really drunk. He could barely stand as he grabbed the Jack Daniels bottle from the fridge and flopped on the couch. Usually when he was drunk Rayna knew better than to provoke him, but she'd had enough after a month of hell touring with two drunks, and a week home of even worse drunk escapades from them.
"I think Vince needs to move out, and you need to go to rehab!" Rayna said sitting in the chair across from him
"I aint goin to rehab!" he snapped
"Deacon, we talked about this! You said if you couldn't stop on your own, you'd go."
"WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE, RAYNA? HUH? DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I DO. IT AINT EVER GOOD ENOUGH!"
"Deacon, please…you need help! You're barely making rehearsals and performances. You wouldn't if I didn't drag you outta bed and make you go."
"I NEVER ASKED FOR ALL THIS FAME AND THIS BIG TOUR. IT'S YOUR DREAM, RAYNA! I DID IT FOR YOU, AND SEEMS LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT! YOU WANT VINCE OUT? WHAT THE HELL'S HE EVER DONE TO YOU? HUH?"
"Deacon, calm down! Maybe this isn't the time to discuss all of this. You're drunk and mad."
"I'M FINE, RAYNA! YOU WANNA ARGUE? LET'S HAVE THIS OUT RIGHT NOW! I'VE DONE EVERYTHING EDGEHILL ASKED, EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T AGREE. FOR YOU! VINCE HELPED US OUT WHEN WE NEEDED A BASS PLAYER. HE DIDN'T ARGUE WHEN I BROUGHT YOU HERE AFTER YOUR DADDY KICKED YOU OUT! WHERE THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE BEEN IF WE HADN'T TAKEN YOU IN, HUH? NOW YOU WANNA THROW HIM OUT?" Deacon was madder than Rayna had ever seen him. His face was bright red. He finished the last of the Jack and shattered the bottle against the wall
Vince had woken from all the yelling and glass breaking
"Deke…man you really need to calm down!" Vince tried to reason with him, but Deacon was in a blind rage
He shattered the dishes on the countertop as he pushed them all to the floor. He dented the refrigerator door when he couldn't find his other bottle of Jack.
"I think maybe you should get out of here, Rayna." Vince warned as Deacon punched a hole in the kitchen wall
She grabbed a set of keys from the countertop and ran down the stairs to her car. Deacon wasn't far behind her. She fumbled trying to get them in the ignition and realized she'd grabbed Deacon's truck keys instead of her own.
"GOIN SOMEHWERE, HUH? WHAT YOU WANNA START A GODDAMN FIGHT AND THEN RUN AWAY?" he yelled as she locked the doors
"Deacon, please…just go back inside. You're scaring me…please?" she was crying as he continued to yell
She'd never seen him so out of control with anger. It was like he wasn't even the same person.
"OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, RAY!"
"No, Deacon, Please…stop….stop….." she sobbed as he punched the window shattering glass all over her lap as she bawled in the driver's seat. She quickly slid to the passenger seat trying to get away from him, terrified of what he'd do next.
For the first time in their almost one year relationship she feared he might physically harm her. She'd seen him mad, heard him yell, and occasionally punch something, but this was so much worse. He was in an out of control rage.
"Stop….please just stop this, Deacon." She sobbed covering her face
Someone had called the police. Before she realized what was happening they had Deacon on the ground face first, his hands cuffed behind his back. He continued to yell and cuss, oblivious to the police.
"Are you OK?" an officer asked helping her from the car
"y…y….yes" she managed
"Did he hurt you?" the officer asked
"n..n..no, what's gonna happen to him?" she asked as they loaded Deacon into the back of a police car, still ranting and fighting them
"For now he's going to jail, and since this is the second time in the last 48 hours, I doubt he'll be out for a while." The officer explained
"OK." She felt a little better knowing he wouldn't be drinking anymore
"Are you sure he didn't harm you? Do you wanna press charges? We could probably hold him longer If you do."
"He didn't harm me."
She was still crying a few hours later when Deacon called asking for bail.
"He wants to talk to you." Vince said handing her the phone
She simply hung up the receiver with a word to Deacon, and called Watty.
"Watty, I didn't know who else to call." She sobbed incoherently into the phone
"What's wrong, sweetheart?"
"It's Deacon. He needs help, and I can't do it. I'm not sure I ever want to see him again after tonight."