March 4th, 1991
Dear Diary,
I moved in with Tandy a couple weeks ago. I haven't felt like doing much. OK, I haven't felt like doing anything.
She's asked about Deacon and what happened, but I don't really want to tell her he's been in rehab. Part of me still wants to protect him, believe he's worth saving, and try again to make things work, but then I think about that night.
That horrible night 2 months ago. I replay it over and over in my mind.
Edgehill has been patient. They wanted us to start on the album right after the tour, but Deacon's health was more important. He needed to go to rehab. We were honest about the delayed reason, and they have been understanding since he's getting help.
I haven't seen Deacon in a couple weeks, since the day he showed up at the apartment while I was packing.
I'm still so conflicted about our future together, or lack of. I asked Deacon for time, and he's respected that.
Part of me was hoping he'd call, or show up when he got out of rehab. The other part is happy he hasn't.
Tomorrow we start working on the album. I can't avoid him anymore. I just hope he's still sober.
Earlier tonight…
"Are you ever planning to leave this condo?" Tandy asked
"I don't have a choice tomorrow. We start recording on the album. Edgehill is already unhappy with the delays." Rayna sighed as she stared out at the city skyline from Tandy's 8th floor downtown condo.
"Why did you delay? Did you just not want to see Deacon?" Tandy asked
"It's complicated, and he wasn't available." Rayna sighed. She hadn't told her sister Deacon had been in rehab
"OK. I think it'll be good for you to get out. You haven't been out of here in almost 2 weeks. Aren't you sick of these 4 walls?" Tandy asked a little confused by Deacon's unavailability.
"Yes and no. I just haven't felt like facing anyone." Rayna sadly replied
"Anyone…meaning Deacon?" she pressed a little
"I don't wanna talk about him, OK!" Rayna softly replied, near tears at the mere mention of his name
"OK, but it might help to get whatever's bothering you off your chest. You've been hiding out here for almost 2 weeks. You haven't said a word about why you moved out of Deacon's apartment after almost a year…"
"Look, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. If I spill my guts and cry to you about Deacon you'll hate him even more than you already do. I just don't need any lectures about how stupid I am, or why he's so bad for me, alright?" Rayna snapped cutting her off
"So things haven't been all that great this past year, huh?" Tandy pushed
"Let's just say the great parts have been really great, but the rest, not so much! Can we just leave it at that?"
"OK, if that's what you want. I'm here to listen and talk if you need to." Tandy squeezed Rayna's hand supportively
"I think I'll just go to bed early. Tomorrow's gonna be a long day." Rayna quickly got up, not wanting to break down in front of Tandy
"Night! I'm here, even if it's late…." Tandy called after her
Rayna tossed and turned all night. She couldn't get Deacon off her mind. Seeing him for the album recording was going to be hard. He'd respected her wishes for time. He'd been released from rehab almost a week ago. She hadn't heard from him. She'd picked up the phone a dozen times in the past week, but always decided against calling him. She was still so unsure, and didn't want to send mixed messages.
She finally gave up on sleep and spent the morning in a coffee shop near the studio. At 9:45am she wandered across the street and into the studio. The band members already there were surprised to see her early. Rayna was rarely early and usually ran 5 minutes late.
Deacon and Vince hadn't arrived yet. Bucky greeted her and gave her an update on the days plan. The producer they'd agreed on was ready in the booth as soon as everyone was in place.
Deacon and Vince arrived 5 minutes later. Vince was clearly hungover, not surprisingly. She feared Deacon might be too behind his dark sunglasses, but when he removed them his blue eyes were clear and brighter than she'd ever seen them. He was still sober, and gorgeous as ever as he removed his guitar from its case and began tuning it.
Vince was first to break the ice with a hug.
"How you been, Rayna?" he asked pulling her into a bear hug
"I'm good, Vince. You?" she asked squeezing him tight. She'd actually missed him more than she realized.
"Not too bad, but Deke's been pretty mopey. Can you lighten his ass up a little? He really does love you, ya know?" Vince whispered trying to help
"Hey…" Deacon awkwardly said as Vince released Rayna from the bear hug
"Hey…" she responded with a hug that lingered a little too long as Deacon held her tight
"I miss you." He whispered in her ear, taking in her shampoo and perfume scent
"Me too." She was trying not to fall apart. Being in his arms again felt so good. She'd missed his cologne scent, mixed with leather from his guitar strap. No trace of alcohol now.
"OK, let's get everyone in place and get started. The producer and Edgehill are both kinda antsy and wanna move this along as quickly as we can." Bucky said as everyone clamored to their spots
Rayna felt better as the day progressed. Things were awkward with Deacon, but both were professional and keeping their personal issues out of the job. They'd managed to lay down 2 tracks by quitting time. The producer was happy with the day's work and eager to get down 2 or 3 more tracks tomorrow.
"OK, everyone. I think that's it for today. Great job. Everyone sounded amazing. If we can do that everyday, we should be able to knock this thing out by end of next week. Same time tomorrow." The producer said ending the day on a good note
"Uhhhh…Ray…can I have a minute? Please?" Deacon asked just as Rayna tried to escape for the day
"Deacon…we had a good day. Can we just….not make this anymore awkward…" she swallowed a lump as she looked into his sad eyes
"Yeah, OK…nevermind. I'll see ya tomorrow." He turned away looking like a scolded puppy
She felt bad as she drove back to Tandy's, wondering what he was going to say before she crushed his spirit. The sadness on his face had nearly broken her heart, but she just wanted out of there. Seeing him hurt so much. He was doing well and that's all she wanted for him, but she knew if she let him get close he'd have her back in a heartbeat. She needed to stay strong, stay focused on the album.
"So, how did it go?" Tandy asked as soon as she came in
"Better than I thought it would. We laid down 2 tracks and sounded great. Back again tomorrow."
"…and Deacon?" Tandy pried
"He was fine. It was awkward, but ya know…" her voice cracked a little as she answered
"Good. Hopefully you two can just work as friends and everybody will be happy."
"Friends….is that what we are now?" Rayna wondered to herself
"Hey…uuhhm…you can say No, but daddy was asking about your birthday plans for tomorrow? If you're not doing anything he'd like to do dinner at the country club?" Tandy cautiously asked
"He knows I'm here?" Rayna asked irritated
"He worries about you. He asks sometimes. I didn't want to lie to him."
"I dunno, Tandy. I haven't seen him since he kicked me out. Why now?"
"It's daddy…who knows? I'll tell him no if you'd rather not."
"I'd rather not, but I'll think about it, OK?"
She really didn't want to think about tomorrow. Today had been tough, but tomorrow was going to be worse. It was her 19th birthday, and her one year anniversary with Deacon. It was hard to believe it had been a year since that first date.
Deacon and Vince had stopped for dinner at their favorite bar on the way home. It was Deacon's first time in a bar since leaving rehab a week earlier. He wanted a drink as he watched Vince suck down 2 beers before the pizza ever got to the table.
"Did you ask her?"
"No, she didn't seem to wanna talk. I didn't really get a chance." Deacon replied sadly
"Don't let her slip away, man. You want her back. Get her! You know she can't resist your bad boy, brooding charm. Women love that shit." Vince laughed
"It aint that simple this time, Vince. I screwed up. I scared the hell outta her, and maybe she's right to be afraid of me. Hell, I don't even remember that night. I don't know that I wouldn't hurt her."
"You just need to keep your temper a little more under control, that's all. You're not gonna hurt Rayna!"
"Wish I had as much faith in myself. Look, I really need to go to a meetin. Can you get a ride home?" Deacon asked getting up, and throwing money on the table for the pizza
"You're really takin this AA shit serious, aren't you?" Vince asked
"I don't have a chance in hell of gettin her back if I don't."
Deacon was already in the booth when Rayna arrived the next morning. He seemed to be keeping things completely on the professional side today. The morning went fairly quickly. Deacon disappeared during the first break, trying to avoid Rayna as much as possible.
"Alright, do we have everyone back? Let's see if we can get No One Will Ever Love You down before lunch." The producer suggested
Rayna and Deacon were both struggling with this one. The song that started it all back at the Bluebird last year. Their feelings for each other only seemed to make it more intense as they ran through it in the booth, staring deep into each others eyes. Deacon slipped, and out of habit, in the moment, leaned in for his signature kiss at the end. She didn't stop him as he planted a soft lingering kiss on her lips.
"Happy Anniversary, Ray." He whispered as she pulled away
"I can't do this today!" Rayna burst into tears, running from the booth
"ahhhh…I think we need to call it a day. We're done here for today, OK?" Deacon told the producer and Bucky before handing Vince his guitar and running after Rayna
"Rayna stop! Please…talk to me?" he yelled as she reached her car in the parking lot across the street
She ran out so quickly she'd left her keys back in the studio. She was crying softly in the driver's seat, unable to go anywhere, when Deacon got to her.
"I left my keys." She sobbed as he knelt beside her
"I still have the spare. Here…you can go if you want to, but I don't want you to leave, Ray. Unless you take me with you?" he smiled handing her the key from his key ring
"Where do you want me to take you?" she asked softly
"If it means I get even a few minutes alone with you today, I'll go anywhere." He smiled
"OK, you can drive. I'm feeling kinda light headed." she said sliding to the passenger side
"Where are we going?" she asked as he drove across the bridge into East Nashville
"How bout that little café you like? I'm kinda hungry." he asked
"So, been a year today, huh?" he reached for her hand across the table, unable to control his urge to touch her any longer
"Yeah, even with all the bad, it's still been the best year of my life, Deacon." She teared up again looking at him across the table
"Mine too, baby. I think maybe that deserves another year, huh?" he asked cautiously, his blue eyes so clear and hopeful
"I think so. I've missed you, Deacon. I'm sorry I pushed you away yesterday. What did you want to ask me?"
"I just wanted a little part of today, to celebrate your birthday, and a year for us." He smiled as the food arrived
They chatted about the past 8 weeks apart, and the album, all the daily mundane stuff they'd missed with each other the past couple months for over an hour.
Deacon paid the bill. They walked hand in hand to the car. Always the gentleman, he opened her door. She surprised him, pulling him to her for a deep, slow kiss in the passenger seat.
"I think I've missed those kisses more than anything. Hold that thought for just a few minutes, OK?" he quickly ran around to the driver's side, feeling more confident about a surprise he'd been keeping secret
"What are you doin?" she asked as he started the car
"You'll see." He smirked as he drove the 2 blocks to the stone house she loved
"Deacon, what in the world are you doing?" she asked confused as he pulled her from the car, and up the front steps
"Sit down." He pulled her onto the porch swing with him, handing her a box that he'd left on the porch earlier
"Deacon, the sign says sold. We shouldn't be here. What if the new owner comes home?"
"Humor me, OK? Open the box." He smirked as she pulled the paper and ribbon off the box
Inside was a beautifully framed picture of them, smiling at each other. It was the very first time they sang together at the Bluebird. The bottom of the frame was engraved:
No One Will Ever Love You…Like I Do
"The first time we sang together?" she teared up a little
"Yeah, I thought you hated me that night." He laughed
"I thought you hated me too."
"Sarah took that. I think those looks kinda prove otherwise." He gently brushed her red locks away from her face
"Thank you. I love it, Deacon." She hugged him tight, trying not to cry again
"I thought it might look nice on the mantle." He smirked
"What?" she asked confused
"Turn the picture over." He gently turned the pictured over on her lap, revealing a key
"Deacon…you….what…?" she stammered unsure this was really happening
"I meant to tell you I had made an offer on the place a while back, but everything kinda went to hell between us and…" he said as he unlocked the front door
"It's ours, baby!"