March 6th, 1991
Dear Diary,
Today turned out so much better than I ever imagined.
Deacon completely blew me away with how hard he's trying to stay sober. I wish I'd given him more credit and had more faith in him. He has his demons, but he loves me, and he truly is the most amazing man I've ever known.
I had so many doubts, but he managed to quash them all with his capacity to forgive, and keep such faith in us, even when I didn't.
I can't believe he's peacefully sleeping beside me, in our own house. I know we'll have many happy years to come here.
One down…eternity to go!
(I just hope it's not in hell after our little sexual escapade in a church basement)
I still can't believe we did that, but at the same time it was so exhilaratingly naughty. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
Deacon makes me feel so carefree, and happy. I know I can do anything with him by my side. I've missed that feeling so much this past couple of months. I'm so happy we're back together and working things out.
As hard as I tried, I could never even fathom a future without Deacon Claybourne.
Earlier in the day…
"Deacon, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. Please talk to me." Rayna pleaded as they drove back to the studio to get his truck
"It's fine, Rayna, alright? You said you needed time. I shouldn't have dropped the house and our anniversary on you. Just forget it." His voice was flat. She could tell he was angry
"You're mad. I can tell."
"I'm not mad." He lied, knowing his anger issues were part of why they weren't completely back together
She felt horrible. The house and the sweet picture of their first night at the Bluebird together meant the world to her, but she still felt uneasy about jumping completely back into living together and going back down the same road so soon after his rehab release. It had only been a couple weeks.
"I didn't mean to mislead you. I do love you, and I do want to work things out, but I just think we need to take it slow."
"Mislead me? Hell, why would havin lunch with me, or pulling me into the damn passenger seat to make out mislead me?" he snapped sarcastically
"You're right." She agreed
"Look, I gotta go. I'll see ya tomorrow in the studio." He quickly got out in the studio parking lot between her car and his truck
"Deacon…" He slammed his truck door, cutting her off
She drove back to Tandy's worried about him. He was upset and she was afraid he might drink. She felt horrible, but also wondered if this was how it would always be? Every fight, every time he doesn't get his way.
"Am I always going to feel like one wrong move, one careless word, a little fight about nothing might send him back to the bottle?" she wondered as she parked her car
"Hey, another good studio day?" Tandy asked as soon as Rayna came in the front door
"uuhhh…not exactly."
"Oh, wanna talk about it?"
"Not really. I just wanna take a long, hot bath and relax." Rayna sighed
"Well, not too long. We're meeting daddy at the country club for your birthday dinner." Tandy reminded her
"Oh, crap! I completely forgot about that."
Across town Deacon slammed the apartment door. Out of habit, he grabbed one of Vince's beer's from the fridge and flopped in the chair across from Vince.
"I'm guessin the big one year anniversary didn't go as planned?" Vince asked
"No!" Deacon snapped, staring at the unopened beer in his hand
"What happened?" Vince cautiously asked
"She aint ready to move back in together." He tightened his grip on the bottle, before shattering it against the wall
"Hey, don't waste my beer just cause you aint drinkn! You've only been out a couple weeks. Maybe she just …"
"Just what? Doesn't have any faith in me? I've done every goddamn thing she asked, Vince! I went to rehab. I left her alone. She kissed me today, and then changed her mind! How the hell should I take that?" he snapped cutting Vince off
"I dunno, man. Did you talk to her about that?"
"What? Tell her I'm pissed? No! Part of why she left was my damn temper! I lose it with her, and she'll really run like hell as far away from me as she can."
"Is that really how you want things? Walkin on egg shells all the time cause she can't handle your temper?" Vince asked
"I want a drink! I need to take the edge off things, ya know?" He stared towards the fridge.
"Then drink. She'll never know."
At the country club dinner was lagging on as Lamar and Tandy discussed boring business details Rayna could care less about.
"uuhhh…ya know it's been a long day. I think I'm just gonna head home." Rayna said getting up
"Sit down! I haven't seen you in almost a year." Lamar commanded in his usual business tone
"Daddy, thanks for dinner. It was nice to see you, but I've got a lot to do tomorrow."
"Rayna, it's barely 6pm! It won't kill you to spend some time with your family. Sit down!"
"Fine, for a little while." She grudgingly sat back down
"So Tandy tells me you're putting out an album?" Lamar quizzed her
"Yeah, should be out by end of summer. We're in the studio now."
"So things are going well for you career wise?"
"Couldn't be better. The tour with Vince Gill was a huge success. Edgehill is happy."
"Good, good…and things with Deacon?" Lamar pushed
"Fine, he's great. Completely onboard and very supportive of my music career."
"I meant as a couple? You've been together a year now, lived together. Should I expect a wedding invitation anytime soon?" Lamar sarcastically quipped
"We haven't ever discussed that, but I suppose it isn't out of the question."
"Really? If things are so great, why are you staying with Tandy?" Lamar's tone irked Rayna
"I won't be much longer. Deacon and I just bought a house!" she sneered knowing that would irk Lamar right back
"What? You never told me that." Tandy quipped
"It was just today. We'd looked at it together a couple months ago. Deacon surprised me with it today."
"So, you're moving back in with him?" Tandy asked
"Yes!" She answered not entirely sure it's what she wanted, but wiping the smug look off Lamar's face was worth it
"I was hoping maybe you'd finally come to your senses, but apparently not?" Lamar snapped
"You know what. This has been fun, but I'm leaving. Thanks for dinner daddy. Maybe I'll see you in another year?" she snapped getting up and storming out before Tandy could stop her. Lamar didn't try this time.
She found herself driving aimlessly. The last thing she wanted to do was go back to Tandy's now that she'd dropped the house bomb. She knew Tandy would have more to say, and nothing good about Deacon. She really hadn't meant to tell them about the house, but she couldn't take another second of Lamar's condescending attitude about Deacon.
Her heart sank when she didn't find Deacon's truck at the house or at the apartment. The lights were on at the apartment. She hoped Vince might know where to find Deacon, and she prayed it wasn't at a bar.
"Rayna, what are you doin here?" Vince was surprised to see her at the door
"Do you know where Deacon is?"
"Probably an AA meeting."
"He's in AA?" she asked confused. She didn't know Deacon was going to meetings.
"Yeah, he goes to a lot of em these days. He's really tryin, ya know?"
"I didn't know about the meetings. Where are they?"
"Basement of the church down the block."
"Thanks." She quickly drove the 2 blocks to the little church
Relief washed over her when she found Deacon's old truck in the church parking lot. She quietly crept inside, unsure of what to expect.
"Would anyone else like to share tonight?" an unfamiliar voice asked as she neared a room with light spilling into the dark hallway
"Yeah, I would." She heard Deacon say. She froze in the hallway unsure of what to do. She sort of felt like she shouldn't be there, but couldn't force her feet to move as Deacon began speaking to the small group of maybe 6 or 8 people
"Names Deacon, and I'm an alcoholic. Been sober 60 days tomorrow. Longest I been dry since probably before I turned 18. I just got out of rehab couple weeks back. It hasn't been easy. I had a bottle in my hand earlier tonight. I wanted to twist that cap off so bad. Drown myself in that liquid escape. I didn't do it." He sighed as the small group clapped for him
"For the first time ever, I have a reason to stay sober. Our one year anniversary is today. She's not ready to let me back into her life completely, but if I slip she may never give me another shot. I hate like hell that I've lost her trust, lost her faith in me, in us. She has every reason to run like hell. I'm damaged goods."
I was angry with her earlier. I thought we were gettin back together. She sent some kinda mixed signals, or hell maybe I just took it wrong. Maybe it was wishful thinkin on my part. I don't really know. What I do know is, I have no right to be angry with her. I did this. I made mistakes and hurt her when I was drinkin. The fact she even still speaks to me is a damn miracle."
"Anyway, I just needed to vent a little. Thanks for listenin." He went back to his seat
Rayna wasn't sure what to think as she stood in the dark hallway. He was really trying, and he deserved her love and support. She felt guilty for pushing him away again.
He'd been so happy to show her the house. His smile had immediately faded when her reaction wasn't the happy one he'd expected.
He'd tried to hide it, but she knew he was angry as he'd driven back to the studio.
"Rayna! What are you doin here?" she'd gotten so lost in her thoughts about the days details, she hadn't noticed Deacon got up to leave the meeting, and was standing in the dark hallway with her now
"I'm sorry. I just…had to see you…make sure you were OK."
"You mean check on me? Make sure I'm not drinkin?" he snapped, the anger returning as he pushed past her heading towards the stairs to leave
"Deacon! No, well…OK, yes…at first, but after hearing what you just said, I'm sorry for doubting you. I'm so proud of you for trying so hard. I love you, babe. I love the house and the picture and all the thought you put into today. Can we try this anniversary celebration again?"
"I just need you to try and have a little faith in me, Rayna! I'm tryin like hell to stay sober. It's day by day. I need you so much, baby. I can't do it alone." His voice was shaky as he finally turned to face her
"I know, and I do have faith in you, Deacon. I'm soo sorry for doubting you earlier. I don't wanna spend another night away from you. Let's go home."
"You mean…the house?" he smiled so wide. His smile and clear twinkling eyes never failed to melt her heart as he lifted her into his arms
"You sure?" he asked after a quick kiss
"I've never been more sure. I've missed you soo much this past couple months." She whispered with an ear nibble
"Me too, Ray. All those nights in rehab, the only thing that got me through was this moment gettin you back in my arms." Before she knew it he had her against the wall in the dark hallway, his hands moving easily under her blouse, his scruff against her cheeks as he kissed her passionately
"I think this might be some kind of sin. We're in a church basement, Deacon." She laughed as he continued the kisses down her chest, unbuttoning her blouse
"I don't give a damn. I've waited 2 months. You're worth eternity in hell, baby." He laughed as he pulled her into a dark Sunday school room, finding the napping mats, as he slowly lowered her to the floor
"Kids nap here, babe…" she breathlessly stammered unable to stop herself
"I'll confess, or say a couple hundred hail mary's, but right now I want you so bad, right here, right now…" he trailed off as he slowly slipped inside her, gentle thrusts as he kept the neck kisses going, his scruff driving her crazy against her neck
"We are sooo going to hell for this!" she laughed, her breath warm against his chest
"Right now I'm in heaven." He rolled to his back breathless and smiling with Rayna hovering over him, still holding him tightly inside her as she took over the gentle thrusts, driving him crazy
"How about a little slower." She whispered, teasing him with slow, gentle thrusts, delaying the finish
"I can't wait anymore, baby." He whispered as the final, sweet release left him breathless, flat on his back against the mat with Rayna against him, head on his shoulder, both struggling to catch their breath
"Let's go home." He whispered after several minutes of recovery time
"Say that again." She smiled as they crept into the dark hallway
"Home? That does have a pretty nice ring to it, huh?" they were giggling like kids as they snuck out to the parking lot, hoping no one would catch them