"Get out." Nick screamed at the top of my voice making me jump, I could see the anger boiling in his eyes. I knew at any second he was about to erupt and he'd do something he'd regret.
"Nick, calm down." I whisper placing my hands on his damp cheeks so he was facing me, he grabbed my red wrists which made me flinch in pain, they were still sore after what Peter had done.
"See Carla, he's no good. Remember when he hit Leanne on christmas." Peter smirked, suddenly Nick pushed past me out of his way causing me to lose my footing. As my body fell to the floor my head bounced off the edge of the marble cabinet, causing the first photo me and Nick had taken together to fall to the floor and shatter into a million pieces.
My head pounding and my vision blurred, I lay amongst the broken glass and faded in and out of consciousness. I could hear the faint sound of arguing and the smashing of glass. They didn't even stop to see if I was okay, they just left me and had their petty fight. A fight they'd been having for over 5 years.
Suddenly the room went silent and Nick placed my head in his lap, I knew it was Nick from how gentle he was and by the way he played with my blood soaked hair. He began to whisper things into my ear, but I only caught the odd word. That odd I couldn't even puzzle his sentence together, my brain felt numb, nothing went in like it use to.
I heard the familiar sound of the flat door opening and began to try and open my eyes, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't. I was stuck in the place I feared the most. My mind. The place that was full of regrets and bad memories. The only place where I was weak. The place were I relived my past and all of my mistakes. It was like being trapped in a nightmare.
I could hear Nick crying into my skin, I could feel his tears falling onto my pale cheeks, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, there was nothing I could do to make him feel better. It was torture. I knew he'd be blaming himself and I knew Peter would be sticking the knife in even more.
Suddenly my mind took over, pictures of my Maddie and Kal tattooed to my blank mind. I could think of nothing else. I could hear or see nothing else but their faces and their voices. Just them. I may not have started the fire but it was still my fault, it was my fault that they got caught up in my mess of a life.
More and more pictures rushed through my brain, Sophie. Alya. Even Leanne. They'd all lost someone they'd loved because of me. I was poison. And one way or another their deaths were still my fault.
I needed to wake up. I needed to escape the eternal doom I'd been put in. But I couldn't. Tears didn't roll down my face and my screams didn't come out of my dry mouth. I couldn't kick or scream my way out of this. I had to fight my demons.
As the pictures stopped I could hear the hospital machines. That's when I knew it was going to happen all over again. But this time it was worse. This time it was my little girl. The baby I never wanted but grew to love. The baby that was ripped away from me out of spite.
This time it was all my imagination.
I pictured a big white house, with a swing set in the back garden and I could hear children laughing in the background as they played. Then I heard his voice. Peter's. Calling her name. Hayley. My little Hayley. Half of me. She never had a chance in hell. She would have been doomed just like I am, I would of never been able to give her the love and affection she deserved. She would of hated me like everyone else does.
My mind went blank again and that's the way I wanted it to stay, as I felt someone take hold of my hand a shiver went down my spine. I could recognise it but it wasn't Nick and it wasn't Peter. It was Michelle.
She placed her lips against my forehead and moved my hair out of my face. I knew it was going to happen all over again and I knew exactly what has going to happen. It was going to be my childhood. A memory so bad I drank to forget it. A memory that I dreaded revisiting but knew I had to.