Darkness fell over my still body, Michelle's voice had now washed away. I could no longer feel her hand against mine. I could no longer hear her cries. The only thing I could feel were the memories rushing up and down my veins and attempting to consume my mind.
All of a sudden I was in that place again. The place I'd forgotten about. The place Paul had rescued me from. I could hear the screams and the sound of a liquor bottle being smashed against the stained walls where the wallpaper had began to peel.
All their faces circling my mind. Rob's. Mum's. All of the men that had come and gone and left nothing but the bruises on my beaten down body, and the nightmares that held me captive. I could see the blood dripping down my swollen lip and the scars that were now tattooed onto my wrists. I could feel the tears falling out of my eyes that were black and blue.
Suddenly the room turned white. But white didn't symbolise my childhood. White symbolised goodness, innocence, purity, and virginity. Everything I lost in order to survive. The room should have stayed black, black symbolised fear. Which was everything I used to feel and everything I now felt.
I then heard his voice.
A voice I hadn't heard in years.
Paul's.
The first person to ever truly love me. However I never truly loved him. I loved the feeling of being loved, which was something completely different. I could feel his fingers running through my hair and the kisses he used to place on my neck. He was my knight in shining armour and I'd never forget it. But he wasn't the man I fell in love with. That was Liam.
My heart began to race just thinking about him and the life we could have had together if it wasn't for Tony. If it wasn't for me. His death was my fault. I had blood on my hands. If I hadn't of been so stubborn. If I could of just believed someone could truly love me he would still be here. He'd be here with me. Michelle would still have her beloved brother and little Liam would of had a father, but instead he was fatherless just like me.
Johnny's face suddenly took over my mind. He left me. He didn't want me. Nobody wanted me, not even my own mother. He let me marry my cousin. I was disgusting. My life was a complete lie. I was doomed from the start. I was always going to be damaged goods, it was my destiny. The world was a better place without me I just needed to stop fighting and let go.
My body relaxed into the hospital bed. I could hear the faint noise of the machines beginning to beep. I was dying.
I could hear the screams and the cries flood the room, I knew I could get through this if I tried but I didn't want to fight any more. I couldn't fight any more. I'd spent to long surviving and not enough time living.
But suddenly I heard one voice that mattered. It was Nick's. He was the love of my life. He never gave up on me, we should have been getting married. We should have been about to go on honeymoon, but instead we were in a hospital room and I'd given up on myself. I'd given up trying to find happiness. I'd given up trying to survive. I was done.
He told me to choose happy and that's what I was doing. I wasn't strong enough to fight my demons anymore. I could feel the light pulling me into it's grasp. I was now stood beside a white staircase, it was the light at the end of the tunnel. As I placed a foot on one of the steps I looked back at the path behind me, I no longer saw it as a path. It was just a long line of lives I had destroyed. There was nothing left for me back there. Nick was better off without me anyway, I was always going to hurt him in the end.