This fic is like a heart meter; It has it's ups and downs,

just remember, if this makes you cry, I cried while writing it too *innocent smile*

Anime4us

Chapter 15

Miyuki made his way towards his room with a small smirk on his lips.

Cheeky brat.

He couldn't help it though. God that southpaw just knew what he needed.

The catcher pushed his dorm's door open and set his bag down, heading over to his dresser to grab some comfortable clothes to crash in. It would have taking an earthquake to dampen the catcher's mood at this point.

A glance towards his phone brought that earthquake into motion.

'1 missed phone call; Dad' danced across the screen. Miyuki glanced at the time before sighing unhappily. He hit the call button before flopping into bed.

"Kazuya." His father answered after the second ring.

"Hey dad."

"Why did you miss my call?"

I'm doing fantastic, thanks for asking.

"I was catching. It's kinda hard to answer the phone when your pitcher demands the entirety of your attention." Miyuki said as he set his glasses beside him.

"Are you being smart with me?"

"Sorry." Miyuki hated how easily he bent at his father's words.

"When's your next game?"

"I'm sure you'll be working, honestly, I understand, it's fine-"

Miyuki didn't want his father near Seido. Near baseball. Baseball and the team, they were his sanction, the one light through the tunnel of darkness that the loss of his mother and metaphorical loss of his father put him in.

"Your next game?" His father demanded.

Miyuki bit into his lip, not liking this conversation what so ever.

"Two days from now." Miyuki mumbled.

"Speak up!"

"It's two days from now." Miyuki repeated.

"Text me the address and I'll be there. I hope for both our sakes that it's a good game."

That was it. The phone line went dead after those words.

"Yea. I love you to." Miyuki muttered before chucking his phone at the wall opposite to him.

0_0_0_0

"Why do I even try anymore?" Kuramochi grumbled.

"Aw, common Yoichi! You'll beat me eventually." Haruichi said with a small, coy smile as he pulled off a sharp turn in the video game while Kuramochi's car smashed into the rail.

"I give up!" Kuramochi said in a huff, tossing the controller aside.

"Sore loser." Haruichi said before rolling his eyes.

Kuramochi rose a brow before grabbing the pinklet and tossing him on Sawamura's bed. A squeak left the unsuspecting second baseman's lips.

"What are you doing?" Haruichi asked, pink engulfing his cheeks.

Kuramochi's smile held mischief as he climbed on top of his infield partner.

"Yoichi?.." Haruichi whispered, slightly concerned.

"Can I kiss you?" Kuramochi asked softly.

Haruichi's eyes widened somewhat before a smile broke out across his face.

"I thought you would never ask!" He exclaimed.

The pinklet reached up, winding his arms around his shortstop's neck, pulling the boy down somewhat. Kuramochi offered little resistance and let the smaller boy pull him in. It was gentle, a kiss only those who have never shared one could give. Sure it was a little awkward, but the boys didn't mind at all; this was all new to them.

When Kuramochi pulled back, he had a small smile on his lips.

"You're amazing, you know that?" He muttered.

Haruichi's cheeks managed to get darker before he yanked Kuramochi down for another kiss. This one was less gentle, the two of them working to find the other's comfort zone.

Of course the two had forgotten that Kuramochi's ever so energetic roommate was back in town.

0_0_0_0

Sawamura pushed the door open so that he could go to sleep. His whole face was on fire, still blushing from the little stunt he had pulled on Miyuki. Of course, he had not expected to open the door and find his best friend and roommate making out; on his bed no less!
"Holy crap!" He practically shrieked.

Kuramochi looked up with a scowl while Haruichi at least had the decency to look sheepish.

"We're kinda busy." Kuramochi drawled.

"You couldn't do that on your own bed?!" The pitcher demanded.

"Get. Out." Kuramochi said, his voice dropping pretty low.

"Where am I supposed to sleep?!"

"I'm sure Miyuki will let you in." Kuramochi said, his glare burning into the southpaw.

Sawamura grumbled about inconsiderate upper class men before slamming the door in a huff.

I can't believe they kicked me out! And they were making out! In my bed!

0_0_0_0

Miyuki's teeth were clenched as he sat crossed legged on his bed. He'd been in this situation too many times before. He had everything he needed, they were a couple steps away need be. For some reason, he sat, blade raised an inch above his bare arm, frozen. He couldn't bring it down.

He wanted to feel it. The fire that would spread through his arm when the blade cascaded across it. He wanted that pain to dull what his chest was giving him.

Why? Why are you coming now?

Miyuki's grip on the blade tightened, making it less than comfortable to be carry. He couldn't remember when he picked it up to begin with. When had he gone on auto pilot? Was this so natural for him that it was on par with breathing?..

A growl of annoyance left the catcher's lips as he glared down at the blade. He ran the blade across his arm, just as someone knocked on the door.

The catcher's eyes widened. The pain he longed for… He couldn't feel it. His insides had gone ice cold, his heart beating much too fast.

"Kazuya? I was kicked outta my room… Lemme in."

That voice, he knew that voice. Hell! He knew it too well!

"I.. Can't." He whispered.

"Kazuya? Are you really gonna make me sleep outside?..."

"Not tonight… Please."

"Common… It's kinda chilly tonight… Let me in." Sawamura whined.

"Eijun. Please go back to your room." Miyuki said monotonously.

A few seconds past and Miyuki wondered if his pitcher had actually gone back to his respectful dorm.

"Open the door. Now."

Miyuki flinched at how demanding his pitcher's voice became.

"No. Not toni-"

"Kazuya. The door. Now."

Miyuki clenched his teeth.

I don't want you to see this! Not anymore than you had to! I don't want you to see me so.. So broken. Please Eijun… Please understand… I can't bear to feel like any more of a burden than I already am.

"Damn it Kazuya, if you don't open this bloody door, I'm going to break it." The pitcher said, his voice void of any humor.

It actually sort of frightened Miyuki. He'd only ever seen the pitcher so serious once, and of course, he'd been the cause, just like this time.

"I can't." Miyuki said defiantly.

"I will go get Katoaka."

Miyuki's blood ran cold.

The coach?... You'll get me kicked off the team… I'll..

A small voice in the back of his head reminded him that, in the end, it really wasn't Sawamura that would get him kicked off the team, but his choices.

0_0_0_0

Sawamura heard a small click before Miyuki's door was pulled open. The first thing he noticed was that his catcher wasn't wearing his glasses. The second thing he noticed was how Miyuki tried to hide his arm behind him. Sawamura stepped into the room, pushing the door closed behind him before focusing on the catcher.

Miyuki had his eyes down cast as the pitcher stepped in, refusing to even look in his direction. Sawamura felt the very familiar sting in his eyes, the feeling bringing along watery eyes. He looked up and blinked in an attempt to stop them. He wouldn't cry, this wasn't the time. He reached towards Miyuki's arm, slightly deterred when the catcher avoided his touch.

Sawamura took a deep breath before reaching towards and grabbing his catcher's arm. He felt something sticky and warm on the catcher's arm and immediately identified the source.

"What happened?... Did I do something to upset you?.." The pitcher asked softly.

"No! It wasn't your fault!"

Sawamura jumped at Miyuki's loud voice. He looked up to see that Miyuki was actually looking at him, eyes holding a determination of sorts.

"God, it could never be your fault. Don't ever think it's your fault." The catcher said, a frown plastering itself on his lips.

"I don't understand… What happened? You… I thought that you were happy when we left the bullpen…" The pitcher mumbled unhappily.

He let go of Miyuki's arm and made his way towards Miyuki's bed. He found the blade, along with some droplets of blood, sitting on his bed. He picked up the blade and examined it curiously.

"It's a razor…" He mumbled.

Miyuki flinched at his pitcher's words.

"How many do you have?"

Miyuki looked at the groud.

"Hm?" Sawamura pressed.

"I… I donno.." The catcher murmured.

"Where are your bandages?"

Miyuki chewed on his lip as he pointed towards the bottom drawer of his dresser. Sawamura tossed the blade into the garbage as he passed the bin before bending down and pulling the bottom drawer open. He shuffled around the drawer before pulling out the bandages. He found a small medical kit in the bottom drawer of his dresser.

"Sit on the bed. I'll be there in a second." The pitcher said as he pulled out rubbing alcohol along with some cotton balls.

Sawamura heard Miyuki's feet shuffle towards the bunk before the bed creaked with his weight. There were drops of blood on the floor, though Sawamura didn't pay much attention to them as he made his way towards his catcher. He dropped to one knee in front of Miyuki, setting the medical supplies on the bed next to him.

Sawamura looked up at his catcher, searching his features for any emotion. He was met with anger and recoiled somewhat.

"I'm just trying to help out.." He muttered before reaching out towards Miyuki's arm.

0_0_0_0

Miyuki flinched away from Sawamura's hand.

Don't touch me… I don't… I don't want to taint you.

The look in his pitcher's eyes scared him. It was determination, mixed with a little bit of fear.

He's scared… of me?

"What happened?... Did I do something to upset you?.." The pitcher asked softly.

Miyuki's attention snapped towards his pitcher, shock taking over his features.

"No! It wasn't your fault! God, it could never be your fault. Don't ever think it's your fault." Miyuki said, desperately trying to convey that it was in no way his pitcher's fault.

"I don't understand… What happened? You… I thought that you were happy when we left the bullpen…"

Miyuki visibly flinched as Sawamura's words.

You don't understand. You make me so happy… God… I can't remember the last time I felt that it was worth it to get out of bed…

Miyuki's anxiety worked up as the pitcher went towards his bed.

It's a bad idea… please don't…

"It's a razor…"

Miyuki flinched at his pitcher's words.

"How many do you have?" Sawamura asked, glancing towards the catcher.

The catcher wanted to close in on himself, to disappear.

"Hm?" Sawamura pressed.

"I… I donno.." Miyuki murmured.

"Where are your bandages?"

Miyuki pointed towards the bottom drawer of his dresser, visibly shaken by what was going on.

I didn't mean for you to see this…

"Sit on the bed. I'll be there in a second." The pitcher said as he pulled out rubbing alcohol along with some cotton balls.

God.. I'm so fucking pathetic… Why did I let him see me in such a deplorable state?!

"I'm just trying to help out.." The pitcher muttered, snapping Miyuki out of his endeavour.

As the pitcher reached for his bloodied arm, he tensed up. Sawamura looked up at him before sighing and taking Miyuki's arm in his hands gently. Miyuki watched as the pitcher used the bandages to wipe off the blood as best as he could before getting a cotton ball and dousing it in rubbing alcohol.

"This is gonna sting.." Sawamura mumbled.

Miyuki didn't bother answering. He didn't always clean the cuts he inflicted on himself, but when he did, he at least knew that the rubbing alcohol made the pain all the more worse, albeit for a short period of time.

He winced as Sawamura cleaned the cut, before letting the younger boy wrap his arm in new bandaging.

"Hey Kazuya..." Sawamura whispered, not looking up as he spoke. "What happened?"

Miyuki started chewing on the inside of his cheek, eyes turned away from his pitcher. He jumped when he felt a hand tap his cheek softly.

"Common Kazuya, put at least a little trust in me." Sawamura said with a small, pained smile.

Miyuki wanted to hug the pitcher in front of him, to erase the pain he'd just seen.

"It's not your fault.." Miyuki mumbled.

"I want you to tell me what's going on."

"I need you to understand that you will never be the reason.."

"Kazuya. I need you to talk to me. I don't need you to give me empty promises."

Miyuki's eyes widened, his chest tightening to the point that it was hard to breath. He shoved the pitcher back forcefully.

"Kazuya?" Sawamura asked, shock over taking his expression.

"Get out." Miyuki demanded.

"What?" Sawamura asked incredulously.

"Get out of my room!"

"I don't think that's a good idea…"

"No. You know what wasn't a good idea? Letting you in in the first place!" Miyuki said darkly. "Get the hell out."

Sawamura flinched away from Miyuki's harsh words, though the catcher didn't back down.

"Now." He growled.

Of course, he didn't miss the tears that began to fill his pitcher's eyes, and he would be lying if he didn't feel the least bit guilty that he was the one causing them.