"Honey, you're familiar like my mirror years ago."
Rain continued to fall, fat droplets deploying from the cloudy grey beyond and exploding against him. He'd forgotten where the limo was parked and now his shirt clung like a second skin. Maybe it was karma, firmly reminding him that he was kind of a shitty person. He'd royally fucked things up with Ally and, immediately after, found himself lost, disoriented, and cold. Wasn't that just poetic enough to be a spiritual phenomenon? He wrapped his arms around himself and wandered aimlessly about the parking lot, his frustrations mounting with each fruitless second. Perhaps he didn't even need to find the car. Maybe Austin could stop and tilt his head back and let the universe fill his lungs with water.
Jesus fucking Christ.
She couldn't even look at him.
Thunder boomed in the distance, sending sound waves to rumble up his spine. Rainwater was seeping steadily into his socks and, really, he just wanted to walk until he reached sunshine, until everything was bright and warm and simple. The funeral attendees that had remained outside, umbrellas open against the pouring rain, scurried to their vehicles. Austin didn't move nearly as quickly. He sloshed through the flooding grass sluggishly, allowing the elements to consume him. Ally lingered like a bold flavor on his tongue. He pulled his lips in. They still tingled.
It was through the silver sheets of rain that he spotted Mimi's pink umbrella folding and disappearing into what he could only assume was the limo.
"Hey do you want me to walk you to your car or something?"
"Ah shit fuck shit!" Austin nearly leapt out of his goosebumped skin as a distant relative appeared out of nowhere and held a giant navy blue umbrella over his head. Quickly stepping away and back under the rainfall to regain his composure, the blonde sighed angrily, "What the fu- No I don't need a fucking escort thanks!"
Austin stalked off, swallowing the urge to tell cousin What's-his-face to go fuck himself with that blue monstrosity. There was an undeniable increase in his pulse rate. He brushed his fingers across his shoulder, the tattoo slightly visible through his soaked white shirt. The small giddy up in his heartbeat made Austin feel weak, as if those months of sweat-inducing, lip-biting hard work hadn't been a true success. He felt less…..remarkable somehow.
By the time he reached the limousine his nerves were rattled, his already wafer thin patience was nearly nonexistent, and he actually CRAVED a cigarette like he never had before. Maybe because it was warm and soothing, like she was.
"Oh my goodness! Austin?!" Mimi cried incredulously as he tore open the door and practically threw himself inside. He took the seat across from his mother and closest to the door before quickly shutting out the offending weather. Gerald and Tess both scooted away from him, their facial expressions nothing but displeasure. Diane was too busy doing stuff on her phone to pay him any attention, and for that he was immensely grateful.
"Have you been out in the rain this whole time?!" his mom asked, searching desperately through her purse.
"Yeah." he lied, sitting back and resting his head with a sigh. He allowed his sopping wet clothes and hair to soak the seat.
"Why didn't you come back to the limo?" she scolded him, "Here."
Austin lifted his head and took the huge wad of Burger King napkins Mimi always kept in her pocketbook just in case.
"I couldn't remember where the fucking thing was parked." He mumbled.
"Austin watch your language please."
"Mom don't start alright." the half-drowned 23 year old began wiping his face, "I'm not in the mood."
"Listen to your mother for once huh?" Grandpa Gerald chimed in, obviously fed up with his grandson's attitude.
"What the hell is this gang up on Austin day?" he shot an irritated frown around the space before speaking slowly and a little louder than intended, "I'm an adult. I'm pissed off. I say 'FUCK' and 'SHIT' to reflect both of those things." He paused to survey his unhappy audience, eyebrows high on his forehead, "Are we all on the same fucking page now?"
"This behavior of yours is unacceptable." Gerald grumbled, straightening his tie.
"Yeah well tough shit gramps because I like it just fine."
Completely done with his annoying relatives, Austin focused on drying himself off as much as he could with a fistful of fast food napkins. He concentrated on his hair first as the limo's engine came to life and temporarily broke the silence. The thin paper did as well as he'd expected, practically falling apart in just his flopping blonde bangs alone. He settled for damp hair after quickly going through about 8 of the napkins then moved on to the rest of his face, swiping 2 napkins down his forehead, nose and mouth. But as Austin moved to toss the soggy paper on the floor of the limo, something caught his eye. His brown eyes scrutinized the moist napkin before he used it to wipe his mouth again, harder this time. And when he pulled it back and looked at it, his heart seemed to leap, tugging on its attached vasculature and shooting a sharp but momentary pain through his chest because there, near the BK logo, were very faint smears of red. From her lips to his, pressed there by a kiss that felt like…fuck if he could even begin to describe it.
Their limo started moving. The formal parts of the funeral were over and people vacated the cemetery in no particular order or procession. They passed slowly along the road leading out of the burial grounds. Austin stared out the window, still pressing napkins to his chest and neck. The rain was lifting gradually and he could already see that the red VW was gone.
They were stuck behind some off-white old school Cadillac going maybe 15 miles an hour and essentially trapping them among the tombstones. He could see people clearing the set up at his father's newly filled grave. The flowers and the 18X20 photo of Mike's smiling face had already been removed. Once they dismantled the tent they'd had hovering over the proceedings, it would just be a mound of mud packed tighter and tighter by the falling rain, and a gravestone. It was a solid grey polished hunk of rock, engraved with everything you'd ever need to know about Michael Leslie Moon. Born April 24th 1970. Died March 17th 2015. Respectful son. Giving husband. Loving father. Prudent businessman. And if you looked reeeeaaaal close, you could see where Austin had carved 'Professional fucking asshole' with his imaginary laser vision.
He sat back in his seat and relaxed as best as he could in wet clothes. But with no distractions and no drugs in his system, thoughts of his father began to roll in like ocean waves. He remembered learning to ride a bike, Mike's hands, which looked so huge and protective at the time, gripping the back of his seat and pushing as the training wheels rattled. He remembered standing on the dock with his dad catching Snappers and Groupers. They'd even reeled in a swordfish once that was longer than his own 7 year old body. He remembered Mike letting him take a sip of beer when he was 10 and both of them laughing at the disgusted face he'd made and the furious way his mom lectured her reckless boys. Memories like those were the gentle swells of the sea, rolling but never breaking, lifting him up. But then he remembered the way his dad had shouted and insulted Mimi after she scolded them; how Mike had forced Austin to take another bitter gulp just to spite the concerned woman. He remembered the first time his dad hit him. It was a single slap across the face with the same hand that had balanced Austin on a bike years before. The blow knocked him completely speechless. Disney and Nickelodeon hadn't prepared an 11 year old for that pivotal moment when his own father's angry hands caused his cheek to swell with a thick and throbbing heat. He remembered enduring swollen skin and bruised flesh for 7 months before he ripped up every single photo he had of Mike Moon. His hands shook and his nose bled as the picture of him, his dad, and that legendary swordfish was reduced to confetti. Those memories were like crashing waves, frothing with the power to potentially bowl him over and drag him out into the deepest waters.
The tide was roiling in Austin's brain, a combination of lazy surf and curling whitecaps. He watched wilted bouquets, placed carefully at beloved grave sites, collecting beads of rainwater. He knew his mom would probably be visiting regularly with a fresh bundle of whatever she'd decided to grow in her garden. Austin tore his eyes away from the murky weather to glance at his mother. Mimi loved Mike despite the beer incident and despite every incident before or after that. She loved him regardless of the insults and not caring about the way she sometimes cowered his presence. And long after Austin packed up Roxy and left Miami forever for the 3rd time, she'd mourn the passing of her husband passionately. It was a bit of a struggle, but he managed to drag his gaze from his heartbroken mother.
"Aunt Di can I bum a cigarette off of you?" he asked casually.
She didn't even look up from her phone, "I stopped smoking years ago."
"Seriously?" he reached into the inside pocket of his wet jacket for his cell. Luckily it was still dry.
"I was spending a fortune on cigarettes and another fortune on teeth whitening."
"Oh."
They rode on in the kind of tense silence only a dysfunctional family could generate.
The rain had stopped completely by the time they arrived back at Saint Gabriel's. Sunshine bore down, as if making up for the past few dreary hours, with a bright heat that Florida was known for. Austin contemplated skipping the reception and just sitting outside to dry off but then his stomach made some subhuman noise and he reconsidered. He was starving.
"They'll have a table specifically for us at the very front of the room." Diane explained as the 5 of them started to climb from the limo. "The whole reception is set up buffet style but we'll be having our meals served to us so just head straight for the table when we get inside."
This time Austin didn't wait for everyone else to exit the car. He got out right after Mimi and walked beside her towards the brick building.
The reception was being held in Saint Gabriel's fellowship hall, the doorway to which was on the church's east facing side and didn't have the drama of pillars or stone steps like the front. It was fitting that the door was a regular old wooden one with a rectangular window because this part of the funeral ceremony was far more casual. Austin decided to leave Gavin's suit jacket and tie in the car. He rolled his shirt sleeves up to his elbows and left the first 4 buttons of it undone. Sure his mostly exposed chest might upset some of the more conservative attendees but that wasn't his fucking problem.
The guests welcomed their small party of 5 with more of those sympathetic expressions. Austin wondered how long his family would be considered things to pity. Like what was the grace period? When could he stop just letting people feel sorry for him and properly tell them to cut that shit out? He couldn't remember ever giving Dez the 'poor you' eyes, not even when the red head broke down in the hospital cafeteria. Austin gave the room a sarcastic smile and an even less sincere little wave as he followed his mom towards the front. Diane had kept the accommodations modest yet charming with black table cloths and some vases stuffed with lilies and strategically placed all around the room. Even the chairs were wooden and cushioned, putting them leaps and bounds ahead of the typical metal folding ones. Most of the seats were occupied with folks stuffing their faces and chatting each other up. Austin tried to crane his neck and get a look at what exactly was on the menu, but his aunt was quickly ushering them all to the front where their reserved table sat. Unlike the 10 or so round tables that were set up around the space, the Moon's table was rectangular and covered in a white cloth instead of black. Their chairs were wooden too but taller, the cushioning plusher, and all 5 were lined up on the same side of the table as if they were royalty and needed to face their subjects as they feasted. He rolled his eyes, thinking that a mattress kingdom hardly qualified them for this kind of treatment.
The best case scenario for Austin would be to sit in either chair number 1 or 5 so he'd only have 1 immediate neighbor to deal with. And if he could make sure that Diane was that neighbor, he'd be set. She was the most likely to ignore him regardless of what kind of language he used or faces he made. All Austin wanted to do was wolf down his food in peace then find someone with a pack of cigarettes. He managed to snag seat 1 when it looked like his aunt was hovering around seat 2, but then she changed her mind and abandoned him. He ended up sitting beside Mimi, of course, and she sent him a warm smile like they were bff's or something.
"Jesus." Austin mumbled under his breath as he looked away. His eyes surveyed the room for a specific black hat, but it wasn't there. He ran a hand through his wild, damp hair. It was going to be a long meal.
It was almost as if she purposefully waited until he'd shoveled a forkful of food into his mouth before asking him something. Austin rolled his eyes and sighed around a bunch of half-chewed chicken and rice.
"I don't know mom. What did she say?" he tried to answer his mother's question without choking.
"She said that we sold her a mattress with bed bugs ON PURPOSE and that we were terrible people. Can you believe that?"
Yet another query that should've been rhetorical, but Mimi paused and awaited his response again. He shook his head, gently removing the fork from his mouth and trying to speak with his tongue buried beneath a fresh bite of mac and cheese.
"Nope." Austin said noncommittally.
"I couldn't believe it either." She picked up her cup and prepared to take a sip, "I mean why would we intentionally give her an infested mattress and ruin our own reputation? It's just ridiculous."
He chewed slowly and let his eyes wander over to the 6th woman his mom had gossiped about since they started eating. He couldn't even remember the lady's name but she was seated right next to Ally's parents and that was enough to get at least a portion of his attention.
"I still don't understand why she even showed up today." Mimi said after swallowing her iced tea and setting her glass down, "The last thing she said to your father and I was NOT very polite but here she is smiling in my face and telling me to call her if I need anything. She didn't even apologize for her behavior."
He smirked, "What a bitch huh?"
"Austin Monica!" his mother scolded him but not without a cheeky grin.
"I never knew you were such a gossip queen mom."
"Oh shush." She loaded her fork with green bean casserole, "I'm just telling you what happened."
"Noooo you guys are like the goddamn real housewives of Miami." Austin teased.
"Language." Mimi put her hand in front of her mouth to whisper-yell her disapproval around a bite of green beans.
"Tell me honestly," he swallowed another mouthful of food, "How many vicious cat fights have you been in with these women?"
"Oh stop it!" she laughed, playfully pushing his shoulder.
Grinning, Austin stood with his now empty plate, "I'm gonna get some more food. Want anything while I'm up?"
"Aren't we supposed to wait for the servers?"
"Pssh fuck that I'm hungry now."
"Well I'll take some more tea then."
"Ok." He grabbed her cup, ignored his aunt's stern glare, and headed for the back of the room.
Austin almost instantly regretted it as nearly every table he maneuvered around stopped him to express their condolences AGAIN, but this time with food stuck in their teeth and crumbs in their beards. If the blonde didn't naturally have the appetite of a pregnant elephant, he might've completely lost the desire to eat. He veered way left in order to avoid a group that seemed like they'd be excessively sympathetic and ended up right next to Ally's parents and the bed bug bitch. For a moment, he kind of froze. Was it possible they knew he'd attacked their daughter's lips just over an hour ago? Did Ally tell them how she'd gotten a death grip on the first things her hands could find?
He approached them anyway, doubting their little girl would've said anything, and smiled, "Hey guys."
"Oh hey there Austin." The dad replied jovially.
"Your aunt did a wonderful job with this reception." The woman his mom had called Penny gestured around the room.
He glanced at the decorations, nodding, "Yeah she's a funeral director so she's used to doing shit like this."
"I don't believe we met." Miss bed bug spoke up, a smile stretching her thin lips, "I'm Josephine Chapman. I'm a friend of your parents."
"Yeah hi." Austin gave her the quickest, most dismissive greeting he could because if Mimi didn't like the bitch then her son didn't like the bitch. "So is Ally here?" he turned all of his attention to the brunette couple with the amazing daughter, "I haven't seen her since we left the cemetery."
And, really, he already knew the answer but there was still a little bit of hope swirling in his belly among the mashed potatoes and chicken breast.
The mom's face twisted apologetically, "Oh no she sent me a text saying she had a headache and went home to lie down."
"She text messaged you?" the dad pouted, "She never sends me text messages."
"Because you always go on this rant about how calling is so much easier."
"Well it is but if she's just going to go ahead and text message regardless then I'd like to get some text messages sometimes."
"Oh my God Lester you can just say 'text' you don't have to say 'text message' every. single. time!"
"What's the difference!?"
"Okay I'm gonna go now." Austin walked off before their bickering escalated or Chapman could attempt to strike up a conversation.
He piled his plate high with the stuff he'd practically vacuumed down and avoided the things he didn't particularly care for. At the end of the buffet table his heart nearly stopped beating as he surveyed the extensive array of desserts. It was awkward trying to balance a small mountain of food, a moderate pile of dessert, and a cup of iced tea, but he managed well enough by completely ignoring any and every one trying to get his attention and offer their 'so soooo sorries'.
"Austin I swear I don't know where you put it all." Mimi shook her head as she watched her son, with his perpetually lean build, set down two overflowing plates.
"It all goes straight to my ass can't you tell?" he craned his neck, pretending to observe his own backside impressively.
"Oh just sit down." She took her glass from him and set it next to her mostly empty plate. "You'll never guess who else is here. Gwen and Arthur Lowe. Ugh they always hated us because our store was more successful."
Austin steadily shoveled food into his rapidly filling mouth, "They sound like assholes."
Playing mean girls with his mom had been fun but Flesh & Bone's lead vocalist always loved a little alone time. He'd quickly polished off his 2nd plate and the various desserts before wandering outside. The church's large fenced-in backyard, with its big plastic playset and 2 sets of swings, was more to prevent the Sunday school kids from dying of boredom but he found himself there anyway. The sun had grown steadily hotter as they all ate, so by the time Austin trekked through the lush grass, sat at the bottom of the slide, and leaned back, almost all traces of the previous rain had evaporated away. Lying there with his head and spine pressed to the hot plastic and his eyes closed, he soaked in sunrays like they were life-giving. In a few hours he'd be leaving Miami for good, or at least for a long time, but hitting the road to Georgia without speaking to Ally first didn't seem to be a viable option in his mind. Just the thought of her having this severely negative image of him in her beautiful brain forever sent a rush of anxiety prickling deep in his muscles. He would have to see her before he left. But first, he was desperate to get dry. The heat helped, though extremely slowly. His phone buzzed suddenly with a new text. And as his brown eyes read over the few words, he sighed then put his cell back in the front pocket of his pants without responding. He wasn't in the mood for messages or people or any thoughts whatsoever. Austin tried to clear his mind. And when his shirt finally started to stick a little less, he reached into his other pocket.
After he'd unsuccessfully asked nearly every guest in attendance for a cigarette, his aunt had tracked him down, angrily thrusting 2 Salems and a lighter into his hand.
"Stop harassing everyone. And do NOT tell your grandparents that I still smoke."
He sat up long enough to stick one of the cigs between his lips and light it. The smoke filled his lungs with a sweet relief that was slightly disconcerting. Austin had a few bad habits but he didn't consider himself addicted to any of them. Going hours or days without some white lines or snowy bumps didn't give him cold sweats. Foregoing weed for an extended period of time was boring but not even close to impossible. And, up until now, if cigarettes were suddenly erased from the face of the Earth, he wouldn't have even batted an eye. But the little cancer sticks had also never soothed him so well before and he momentarily contemplated destroying the second one, just in case. But instead he closed his eyes and laid back with a smoky exhale. Whatever. He could probably handle one more vice.
"Why am I not surprised to find you out here alone?"
It might've been the fastest Austin's moved since his younger days dodging Mike's fists. But he clamored from the heated plastic slide and to his feet immediately. Weird how a soft, feminine voice could alight in him the same sense of urgency as a 35 year old man's rage.
"Ally!?"
She stood there in her funeral garb, the wide brim of her hat casting a shadow across her eyes and allowing the sunlight to focus solely on the lower half of her face. And those red lips were smiling, if only a little bit.
"How come you're not inside?" she pointed a thumb at the church.
Austin held up his cigarette, "Needed to dirty up my lungs a little."
"Those things'll kill you you know."
He grinned, "Yeah. No shit."
And when the color of strawberry ice cream flourished in her cheeks, Austin felt his heart backflip in slow motion. All he wanted to do was banish the sun and summon the rain and kiss her with the scent of green apples heavy in the air.
"Hey Ally I'm-" he had started to walk to her but stopped as she grew just slightly tense, "Look I'm sorry about kissing you earlier. I was out of line, I should've backed off." He took a drag from the cigarette.
"So…" she studied her muddy oxfords carefully, "You didn't mean to kiss me?"
"What?" Austin frowned, blowing smoke quickly so he could speak, "Hell yeah I meant to kiss you. Have you fucking seen yourself?"
She giggled shyly despite her face darkening to an inhuman fuchsia.
"I mean…" he explained, "I don't know I guess I shouldn't just go for something just because I want it so bad…"
Ally peeked up at him through her lashes with eyes nearly as black as her outfit. He could see that the mascara and the eyeliner had been washed away and the whites of her eyes were tinged slightly red, as if she'd been crying. Austin wanted nothing more than to kiss her blues away, to taste the comforting sense of belonging that was embedded in her lips.
He laughed breathlessly, practically lost again in that arresting red, "…like so fucking bad you don't even know."
She grinned and covered her face with her hands as it grew impossibly hot, impossibly pink. It was cute and he couldn't help but smile and follow after her as she shuffled awkwardly to the swingset. The swing creaked lightly as she settled into it. He plopped down a lot less gracefully, causing the metal frame to groan.
"So how are you holding up?" Ally ran her fingertips up the metal links then grasped them softly.
The cigarette dangled from his lips as he shrugged, "Ok I guess."
"Really?"
Austin smirked, "My dad and I didn't exactly get along."
"Whaaat? But you're so charming." She said in mock surprise.
"Ooo sassy Ally. I like it." He clamped the cig between his pointer and middle fingers and inhaled.
She giggled.
Austin blew smoke through his nostrils, ""Let me ask you something."
"What?"
"So I wished my dad was dead, like SERIOUSLY wished he was dead, a total of three times in my life." He watched her eyes widen slightly as she realized the extent of Mike and Austin's fractured relationship, "I whispered it once when I was 13 and then I screamed it in his face two separate times when I was 15. And I guess I just wanna know if you think that this," he gestured vaguely to the church behind her, full of funeral guests, "could've been my fault?"
And his voice was so normal, he sounded so casual about it that, for a second, Ally thought he might be joking. She began to smile cautiously then stopped and frowned instead.
"Are you being serious?"
"Yeah." He flicked some ashes.
"Oh uhm…well… I doubt your teenage wishes killed your dad...?"
"Are you sure?" Austin tilted his head to the side, "I mean yeah I guess it took a couple of years but the way he died….just so suddenly. One second he was in his office, doing paperwork, then the next second he was slumped over dead without any kind of warning. Seems a little like voo-doo shit or something."
"Everyone dies in the space between 2 seconds Austin." Ally said softly, "The heart's beating and then it's not."
He thought about that for a moment, "Well yeah I guess that's true."
She smirked at him.
"Voo-doo huh?"
He grinned, "Shut up Ally."
They grew quiet, smiling and listening to the swings creak.
"Hey how's your hand?" he puffed leisurely.
She glanced over at it with a shrug, "Not too bad. It's a little sore, especially when I bend it or flex it."
"The doc didn't give you any pain meds?"
"Yeah he gave me enough pills for the week and an antibiotic shot that lasts 7 days. I'll have to go to CVS next Saturday and pick up my actual prescriptions."
"Fun fact: I've been banned from the entire CVS franchise for half a decade."
"Banned?"
"Yup. I haven't been legally allowed to set foot in one for years."
"Why not?"
He took a second to inhale a lungful of cigarette smoke, "When I was 19, me and the guys went to some party and got just absolutely HAMMERED," grey wisps escaped him with each word, "and we were walking, or I guess stumbling, back to the apartment but we stopped at a CVS on the corner because we planned to blaze when we got back and we wanted to stock up on snacks and shit."
"And by 'blazing' you mean like…marijuana?"
Brow knitting and eyes narrowing, Austin fixed her with a frown that was all confusion, "You serious?"
"I just want to clarify."
He laughed, "Fucking hell Ally. Yes I mean weed."
She rolled her eyes, "Whatever."
"Christ. So anyway, we're in the CVS all wasted and loud and my friend Jace trips and falls and knocks one of those little things with the sunglasses on it over." Austin grinned just thinking about it, "And then he tries to get back up but he can't get his balance so he like rams, I shit you not, he rams into a rack full of chip bags and like destroys it." They both laughed, "Doritos EVERYWHERE.
"Oh my gosh." Ally shook her head.
"So we're all dying laughing when one of the cashiers comes over and tries to kick us out. So, in a stroke of pure drunken genius I swear, me, my best friend Dez, you know Didi's brother, and my other friend Gavin, we um grab like an armful of candy bars and Funyons and try to run out of the store but the other cashier guys tackle the shit out of us. The cops come and they hold us in a cell over night for public intoxication," he stuck the cig between his lips and counted on his fingers, "underaged drinking, except for Gavin he was 21 at the time, um attempted shoplifting, destruction of private property, disturbing the peace…and I think that's it. Long story short, it was really the first serious offenses for all of us so the cops drop the intoxication and disturbing the peace. And eventually the CVS lawyers agree not to press charges and send us to jail as long as we pay a fine and adhere to a 5-year ban from all CVS locations in the US."
"So you've got one more year left?"
"Yeah but I'm not losing any sleep over it. I never go there anyway."
Ally shook her head in amusement, "You're kind of a criminal."
"I prefer badass but sure."
She giggled, "So Gavin, Dez, and…Jay?"
"Jace."
"Jace. They're your roommates?"
"Yeah and bandmates. Gavin plays bass and does backup vocals, Jace is the drummer, and Dez does keyboard, sometimes sax. Oh and he's our main songwriter. Sometimes I help him but he's better with words."
"You write songs?"
He flicked the ashes from his cigarette and glanced at her. She'd perked up at just that tiny bit of information, her eyes a little brighter and her smile a little wider.
"Yeah kinda. I mean I'm no Smokey Robinson but I contribute here and there."
Ally bit her lip, suddenly shy, "I'm a song writer too."
He grinned, "I'm not surprised. You got into MUNY so you must be some kind of musical genius right?"
She just shrugged, "I wouldn't say that. I mean I do love music. The stitches kind of make it hard to write and play now though."
"So what instruments do you play?"
"Umm…I guess pretty much all of them."
"All of them?"
"Yeah."
"All of them?"
She nodded, "Pretty much yeah."
"Guitar? Piano?"
"Both of those yeah."
"Drums?"
"Yeah."
"Ukulele?"
"Yup."
"Digeridoo?"
"Yes."
"Spoons?"
"Sure."
"Harp?"
"Yeah."
"Bagpipes?"
"Mhmm."
"Tuba?"
"Yes."
"Harmonica?"
"Yeah. I actually have one in my bag right now."
He tilted his head to the side laughing, "What the fuck? Why?"
"Sometimes I'll get a random melody in my head and I need an instrument just to help kind of get the rough draft going and the harmonica fits in my purse."
He nodded, looking out across the rest of the yard, "Makes sense."
Austin silently finger-combed his hair until he thought it was in some sort of decent order. The cigarette was weightless on the edge of his mouth, its tip smoldering hot orange as he drew tobacco smoke into his airway. Another wave of uneasiness slithered across his brain at how relaxed the nicotine made him feel. But he just pinched the little cancer stick between his fingers and pulled it away. His face rose to meet the sunshine. His lips puckered and released thin clouds twisting and billowing upwards. And as the toxic but soothing fumes left him, he closed his eyes and kept his head tilted back to let the golden rays warm his skin.
"Um the reason I came here was to apologize to you too." Ally softly said.
"To me?" Austin spoke towards the hot daylight, "For what?"
"For acting like a crazy person….again." she replied, "I mean I-I wanted to kiss you…I did. But at the same time I really didn't and then all at once I didn't know what I wanted."
He suspended his silent conversation with the sun and regarded the anxious brunette beside him. She stared down to where their shoes met the ground.
"I panicked." Ally's red lips murmured, "I just panicked."
He wasn't entirely sure what to say. Then her large brown eyes crept up to meet his and rendered him speechless. She frowned in that same elegant way she had about a million raindrops ago, when they were only a hair's breadth from kissing.
"I wanted it and I didn't want it and…a-and then you touched my face and it felt so nice that it was scary…I was just terrified. Geez, it felt so nice that I loved it and hated it and feared it altogether."
Austin swallowed, half-mesmerized by the way her lips moved.
Ally sighed, blinking slowly, "I'm so sorry for the way I reacted Austin."
He took a lingering drag of the cigarette to calm his stirring desires, "It's cool Ally. You know you say 'sorry' to me a lot." A smile played at his parted lips as smoke fell and floated out, "One of these days I'm gonna stop forgiving you."
"But you do keep forgiving me. Why?"
And there he faltered because he wasn't sure how she'd take his answer. The sinful blonde was no stranger to agony, emotional or physical. He wasn't turned off by her standoffish behavior or the constant sadness in her eyes because he'd been to that same wretched place, he'd lived there and wandered blindly there. From the ages of 11 to 17 Austin bombarded every stranger he met with questions, prying them open while blatantly evading everything they asked him. Just like Ally, he was hurting and defensive so he guarded his identity like it was life itself. When he was 12 he'd find himself sobbing uncontrollably at random moments, clutching whatever was in reach and unable to stop, just like she had in her cute little red Bug. When he was 14 and 15 he started lashing out, punching countless holes in walls and throwing things and being a disciplinary nightmare at school. He purged his pent up frustrations by breaking stuff so it matched his crumbling spirit, just as Ally had with 6 glass vases and her dad's golf club. When he was 16 he ran from it all, just like she dropped out of MUNY and left it hundreds of miles behind. And only 2 days ago at age 23 he yelled at his mother for calling him 'Little Prince' because that name represented every shitty thing he'd endured. Austin suspected that 'Ally-cat' was no different. But how could he say such a thing? How could he explain that he saw his young and miserable self in her so undeniably? How could he explain that he would always forgive her because they'd only just met on Thursday yet it was Saturday and, whether she realized it or not, her eyes were already begging him to, please, show her how to live with such pain?
"Because," he began carefully, "I know what you're going through even though you think I don't." he shrugged, "I know that you need me to be patient. And I know that, if I wait long enough, it'll pay off."
"What exactly do you think is the reward here?" her hands tightened around the swing chains.
"Getting to know you." He immersed himself in her brown eyes as they glistened, "Learning Ally."
She swallowed hard, "A-and that's some kind of prize? That's something worth waiting for?"
"Absolutely."
Ally shattered their eye contact, focusing intently on the kelly-green grass just beyond. And in the time it took Austin to inhale and exhale another burning pull from his cigarette, she was crying. It wasn't the heaving sobs he'd witnessed at the speed bump, but something much quieter and more willfully destructive. She sat as still as a statue, save for the tears rolling and rushing down the apples of her cheeks. He watched the crystal clear beads hang perilously before falling to burst against her black pants.
"But it's not though." Her voice strained and broke as she shook her head vigorously, "I'm-…you don't-..y-you shouldn't-…I'm nothing special I promise."
"Ally hey," he flicked a few ashes to the ground as her own fresh pain reached out to graze his heart, "Come on don't cry. Do you remember when we took that walk last night and I called you…that name you don't like?"
She nodded, sniffling and not looking at him.
"Do you remember how you kinda cussed me out?" Austin angled his head and leaned a tiny bit closer, "You dropped an f-bomb so fast it made my fucking head spin. Remember that?"
She squeezed her eyes shut, nodding again as the tears flowed.
"There's a fire in you madam Ally. A fire that hasn't been put out regardless of the rain, regardless of the cold, and regardless of the suffocating darkness." Austin studied her sad features, "You're a badass deep down and I know because I'm a badass and we recognize our own kind."
And this time she laughed, her mouth widening into a grin. He smirked victoriously and stuck the Salem between his lips for a quick puff.
"So cut all this crying, self-deprecating shit out alright. You don't need it."
Ally wiped her face with her hands, minty green nails glinting. And when she looked at him it was with a gently sloping smile and eyes that were practically overflowing with tears and sorrow and just the slightest hint of adoration. Austin, whose breathing had almost completely ceased, felt his heart do this tremble thing that it hadn't done since he and Nina, a fellow homeless, penniless runaway he'd met in South Carolina in 2008, snuck into a closed hotel conference room to sleep for the night. Somehow, they'd ended up underneath the giant Maple wood table, butt ass naked and kissing. They'd bought and shared a sandwich earlier in the day and that night its plastic wrapping acted as a makeshift condom. It was her idea. He was 16 and a virgin while she was 14 and experienced enough for it to be very sad. Austin remembered staring into those eyes and wishing it wasn't so dark so he could fully see how green they were. And just as he tentatively relinquished his virginity, his heart had done the same firm tremoring in between its powerful thuds. Since then he'd never had that exact feeling, where exhilaration mixed with terror and curiosity and empathy, where the often neglected hunger for intimacy gnawed at his insides, where he teetered between being so unsure about something that he desperately wanted to run away and being so very sure about it that his body refused to do such a thing. Not since Nina's emerald eyes and tragic promiscuity had his ribs caged such a brief but distinct flutter…until now, when there was this beautiful smile and a gaze the color of fertile soil sitting just a foot away.
"You're right." She sniffled, "You're right I just ugh usually I can write a song to make me feel better but my stupid stitches are making it kind of impossible right now and ugh! God." Ally wiped her face again as fresh rivulets flowed from her eyes. "I'm…" she trapped him in her gaze once more, "I'm just broken Austin."
"Yeah no shit." he grasped one of her swing's chains and pulled it slightly towards him with a comforting smile, "Join the club. There's a billion of us and we've got matching jackets."
He released her and she giggled tearfully as she swung side to side, east to west. Austin took one last draw from his cigarette and attempted to memorize the moment. Her movement slowed, the wind only gently teasing her curly hair. Sunlight bounced and shone against her watery eyes. And all of it danced, somehow, to the music of her laughter.
"How do you deal with it?" she asked him with another sniffle and a sweep of her hands across her cheeks. "Being broken."
"Drugs." He answered bluntly while flicking his finished cigarette to the earth and crushing it beneath his damp sneaker.
She clasped the swing's metal chains and when she spoke it was with a small and timid voice, "Are you talking about weed again?"
He grinned, "Kush mellows me out but it definitely doesn't keep the nightmares away."
She remained silent, biting her lip.
"Let me guess? Madam Ally never takes anything stronger than Children's Tylenol?"
This time she looked slightly offended, "Hey I've smoked weed once before. At MUNY there were people who did it all the time."
"And how'd you like it?"
"I didn't." she scrunched up her nose, "I couldn't stand the smell and it kind of killed my creativity."
"That's a first. You know how many musicians smoke pot religiously?"
"I guess it's not the same for everybody."
"Figures you'd be different."
"Yeah." She grew sad again. He watched her eyebrows draw together in concern. "Maybe I can try some of whatever you um…use?"
He regarded her skeptically, "…Are you being serious?"
She nodded just the same. Austin felt his mouth go dry with…what? Excitement? Uncertainty?
"Uh I mean yeah," the fingers of his right hand rushed through his blonde locks, "I can give you some stuff later on tonight if you want."
Ally frowned, "Wait but aren't you leaving soon?"
Ice water flooded his veins. How the fuck did he forget something like that? He thought of the text sitting read and without response in his phone. It was a simple 6-word question from Dez:
What time are you leaving Miami?
Maybe it was because Nina's piercing green eyes were still fresh in his mind. Maybe it was Ally's beautiful sepia stare hurtling him back to his torturous past. Maybe it was because he was a fucking weirdo who kept a moist and crumpled Burger King napkin in his pocket just because it had the faintest smear of red on it. Whatever the reason, Austin opened his mouth to answer and nothing but bullshit came out.
"Oh uh no it turns out that show got cancelled too um they uh they still haven't fixed the sound problems."
And holy fucking shit fuck did he really just say that?!
"Oh wow. That's too bad. You'd think people who coordinated a music festival would be better at fixing that sort of stuff. I'm sorry Austin."
Yup, apparently he did just say that. His fingers practically tore his hair from the roots as they made a nervous pass across his scalp.
"It's cool. Don't sweat it. Whatever. Uhm-"
"Austin!" a voice suddenly called to him. They both looked towards the church's back door and there was Mimi waving her son over, "The reception's over and the limo's leaving! Let's go sweetheart! Hi Ally!"
The brunette gave his mom a little wave. "Hey Mrs. Moon!"
And when Mimi retreated back inside, Austin reclaimed Ally's eye contact immediately. A rosy blush crept slowly up her neck and he smirked despite the nervous tingles in his brain.
"Come outside at midnight okay?" he asked softly, half-expecting her to decline.
But she didn't.
"Okay." Ally whispered.
And with his gigantic lie hovering like a rain cloud, the blonde stood and started for the church doors.
A small hand suddenly grasped his, stopping him.
She stood close enough for traces of dragon fruit and coconut shampoo to waft from her brunette curls and infiltrate every sinus in his skull. And as she quickly stood on her tippy toes, drawing even nearer, his heart fell into a series of distinctive flutters. Those ruby lips, the ones he'd constantly lost himself in, puckered to kiss him an inch above the corner of his mouth. They were gentle enough to be tender, firm enough to be titillating, and trembling just enough to be Ally. Then, when her cherry red lips pulled away, they smiled before parting to speak.
"Dawson. That's my last name."
Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Sometimes even the smallest and simplest things yall say can spark ideas in my mind. Thanks!