"Phil," grunts Dan, accidentally touching one of my leg casts. "Mmm?" I say, rolling over to the best of my ability to face him. We ended up falling asleep together, after a long night of binge-watching telenovelas. "I have to go," he says. He grips the side rails and climbs out, leaving the left side of the bed empty and warm. He puts on his shoes quickly. "But-" I start to object, but Dan cuts me off, "You know I would stay if I could. But I have things to do. Plus, you have to rest." I motion towards the bed. "We were just resting!" He raises his eyebrows. "Phil, you know what I meant," he says, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. He plants a quick kiss on my cheek. "Bye, my little Lion," he whispers. "Stay safe!" I call out, as he is about to close the door. He spins on his heel and gives me a small smile. "Of course," he says, finally closing the door behind him. "Fuck..." says Jordyn, coming into the room and leaning against the walls.
"Yes?" I say, almost sighing. Jordyn and I have become good friends, mostly because she keeps me company when Dan isn't around. In exchange, I have to listen to her complain about all her "shitty patients" who make her life absolutely miserable. It's more enjoyable than a punishment, though. Mostly, the stories are hilarious. "Okayyyyy..." she starts, and then she describes her experience with a little boy who constantly throws anything he can get his hands on. "He threw a pair of scissors at you?" I ask in disbelief, my mouth stuck in an O-shape. "Yup," she rolls up her sleeve, revealing a small, red mark on her forearm. "Good news, though," Jordyn starts, grabbing the TV remote. I'm about to ask what she's doing, but then I realized she's flipping channels. That's when the red Netflix logo appears. "I saw them setting it up in the break room today. Don't let anyone know I showed you, it's not supposed to be used for patients." "If it's not for the patients, why are they getting it?" I say, scrolling through the Christmas movies with my good hand. "Movies," she scoffs.
Jordyn plops down into the chair closest to me. "Choose Rudolph," she says, pointing to the reindeer with a red nose. "What's that?" I ask. Jordyn stares blankly at me. "You've never heard of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer?" she questions. "No..." I admit. Jordyn chuckles and hits play. It really is a cute movie. She taught me all the songs and the characters' best lines and all the Easter eggs. "You know..." starts Jordyn, once the final credits start rolling, "I feel kinda sorry. It feels pretty shitty to be in the hospital on Christmas Eve. Especially with upcoming surgeries." I whip my head around. "You... you've been in the hospital on Christmas Eve?" I ask. She nods. Even in my current messed up state, I feel an incredible amount of sympathy. "Cancer," she adds, scrolling through more holiday movies. I purse my lips as I glance at my reflection in the TV. "My family practically abandoned me. Didn't want to deal with me and the bills. Then, once I'm released, they suddenly adore me again," she says. "Bastards," I mumble. The corner of her mouth curls into a smile. "Indeed," she says, selecting Frosty The Snowman. This one is less enjoyable, either because the tension is thick between Jordyn and I or the fact that Frosty is the perfect definition of a cretin. Probably both.
Around 19:00, I find myself lonely and despondent. Jordyn was let off work to be with her girlfriend. My family is up North to celebrate, and Dan sent me a long text explaining that he can't come because the hospital doesn't allow anyone besides relatives to visit on Christmas-related holidays. I play some classic holiday music on my phone and start rubbing my fingers against my damaged body. The bruises and the cuts. The cast on my arm and the two on my legs. I realize that the upcoming year is going to be a bitch. You're cursing a lot today, says my inner monologue. But it is. Meet-and-greets aren't an option. Another book would be too much stress. I wouldn't be able to do the BBC Radio 1 show. Collaboration videos are pretty much out of the equation, and I won't be able to do as many normal videos. All of our travel plans have been obliterated. My proposal plans to Dan are completely destroyed... We won't have enough money to pay off these hospital bills. I feel the first tear roll against my cheek. The burning hot raindrop of sadness, pain, stress, loneliness. Merely a touch compared to the brutal, searing pain of the storm bubbling inside me.
I can feel it again. The waves of agony flowing through me, covering every inch of me in throbbing pain. The ocean of tears falling on my body. The pounding feeling in my chest, the excursions of afflictions on my back. I bellow and howl for help, but all I hear is ringing. I grab the rails of the hospital beds in vain, nothing can save me from this ferocious trauma. My fingers twitch and my wrists become distorted, and soon my legs become mangled. A force clutches my throat and forces inward, causing me to heave quietly. Willowy fingers force themselves through my hair, ripping up a few as they pass. It doesn't take long for me to realize that I am the force. Time suspends itself for one breakneck moment, the longest of my life. My shivering body is covered in a mixture of blood, tears, vomit, and black hair. My remaining hair curtains my face, with tiny beads of sweat dangling from the ends. I attempt to shout again, but I can't even open my mouth. I see 5 people rush in. My eyes roll back into my head. So this is how it all ends, says the voice in my head.
OH MY GOD THIS WAS BRUTAL.
Good news: I now have my own copy of TABINOF!