Hello everyone! I'm so sorry it took me a while to update, things have been a little crazy with the holidays. I hope everyone is having a very wonderful New Year! Here's just a short little chapter to tide you over till things pick up.
In that moment, for the first time, Ben let himself imagine how things could have been. Maybe he could have been a Jedi; could have been the son his parents deserved; could have held Rey as he did now, without having to let her go.
But that wasn't his life, it never would be. It was too late.
"Rey, you need to go." He said, forcing himself to pull away from her warmth. She looked up at him confused. "I can't be the man you wish I was. I've been conflicted for so long, but now I have to be sure. In two days time, Snoke will begin training me personally. If I waver, he'll sense it. He can already sense it. Remembering who I was before, you being here…it makes me feel too much, makes me weak. I've given up everything for this. I can't risk it now." Slowly Rey realized what he was saying.
"If you go after Snoke alone, there's no way you're getting out! You'll die!" Rey's voice was filled with panic. Ben would be lying if he said he didn't appreciate it.
"I know. Making it out alive was never part of the plan." He said darkly. If someone would have told Rey only days ago that she would be worried about Kylo Ren, she would have told them to go walk into the nearest pit of sinking sand.
"Ben—" Her words were cut short as his knuckles softly grazed the side of her cheek, his attempt at curtailing any argument. The motion was so gentle it took her by surprise. He was staring down at her, his dark eyes filled with a mixture of emotions.
Conflicted feelings swirled in them both. Only yesterday they each considered the other the bane of their existences. But now, there was something else to their connection, something deeper. Her light was utterly intoxicating to all the parts he wanted to forget. Like someone banished to a prison cell, never being able to see the sun, we wanted to bathe in her presence for as long as he was able. Without even fully realizing what he was doing, Ben brought his fingers underneath her chin, tipping her head back. Rey's breath caught in her throat, knowing where this was going, but not being able to pull away. The air between them was heavy, electric. His lips were on hers then, and it sent shivers coursing through her body. Through the force, their connection seemed to hum pleasantly. Mentally Rey wanted to pull away, not being able to justify this moment, but instinctually his lips felt so right. She sighed, enjoying the feeling lips brought despite everything. She didn't seem to be in control of her body any longer.
Ben felt like a man in a desert, having just been given a small drop of water. The small amount he got of her was almost cruel. He sucked on her bottom lip, greedy and desperate for more. Rey almost felt herself inclined to give him just that, but he suddenly wrenched himself away from her, coming to his senses. Ben stepped back, not trusting himself to be within arms reach of her. They both stood there for a moment in shock. Neither of them had expected things to escalate at all, much less that quickly. Rey felt hot all over, her head spinning. Before, she had no desire to be intimate with him, but now that she had, it was as if her body needed to feel his against hers. Ben would have been lying if he said he didn't feel the same. Something between them had changed drastically.
"I should have never let it get this far!" Ben bit out, breathing heavily. He was doing as he had been taught, transforming any emotion he felt into anger. He could blame this on her, he had to blame it on her. He needed to make himself be angry with Rey. She was ruining everything.
"What?" Rey couldn't help but fill a bit hurt and confused. He shook his head, trying to lift the fog he seemed to be in. He refused to look at her. Suddenly through their connection, Rey saw flashes of images.
Ben pouring over various archives. Reading for hours.
He was searching, desperately searching for something…
It didn't click until she felt herself being forced out of his mind.
"No…" Rey said in disbelief. He had been trying to figure out how to sever their connection.
"It's the only way. I can't have you in my head Rey, especially now." His tone was hard, but she could feel a mixture of regret and sadness rolling off of him.
"No! We can find another way to defeat The First Order! Come home!" She was pleading with him now. She knew it would be hard, but she thought maybe he could still be accepted. Perhaps if everyone knew why he had done the things he had. He chuckled darkly.
"You still don't get it." He mused, reading her mind. "I embraced the darkness. The things I've done, they can't be undone, or forgiven." She was desperately trying to keep their connection, but everything was becoming blurry. She had to think quickly, how she could help him. It was extremely painful, and took all her energy, but she pushed further into his mind. "What are you looking for?" He snapped, sweat beginning to form as he attempted to push her out. She could feel her grip on him slipping, when suddenly she found the image she needed; a map. It was the map to his destination. To Snoke. She held onto the image with all her willpower as he finally pushed her out.
Rey was gone, and it was as if the last remaining vestiges of light had gone with her. He was left alone in the cold, darkness consuming him. Ben Solo was gone. He was Kylo Ren once again.