I don't know why I said what I said. Erwin already made it cristal clear that he didn't want me, And I'm pretty sure that has in no way changed. What I know, is that I don't want him to keep giving me half-assed excuses, half-assed stares, and half-assed break-up lines. I just need a clean break. I'm not saying I'm thinking of moving away or anything, if -when- he says no. That's for pussies. But I need to know for sure that whatever he chooses there will be no going back... whatever regrets there may be, we'll be undeniably over... Or not.
So on the 1st day, I do everything humanly possible to avoid him. I know he's going to say we're through, and hearing it in a day or three wouldn't and will not make any difference. Like I've said his decision has long since been made, and nothing in this world could make Erwin waver. But this time I'll be DEMANDING an explanation. If I want to ever be able to move on, and if he so much as cares about me still, he will answer me. I need these 3 days. More than he does, be it to come up with an explanation, or to bring himself to say it. I need them to anchor myself for anything he might say. It will certainely not be easy on me to finally know why I'm no good after all. What suddenly made him realize how no good I am. But I will. Whatever he may think of that. End of story.
2nd day.
I'm aware of myself getting more and more anxious by the minute. Sometimes I even catch myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's taking his time making his decision, because he is regretting breaking up in the first place, and thinking of ways to explain himself and ask for us to be us again. But then, I would come back to my senses, and realize that the only reason he still hasn't given me his answer is because I've actively been avoiding him. And that even if he indeed was thinking it through, he would be thinking of ways to say no without hurting me. And if, just if, he wanted us to get back together, he'd have to deal with me shoving his excuses and explanations up his ass; As much as I love Erwin, and want him by my side, I don't think I could ever trust him again, no longer in that way. I mean he just up and decided to break-up...
3rd day.
Ok, so now anyone can tell just how fidgety I am. it's not as much anxiety about the outcome of this whole thing- I already know how it's gonna end. Although a part of me that I've been reducing to just background noise now, still hopes for an impossible upturn - as itching to be done with it once and for all, to get it over with and move on. So now I'm in the hallway, facing my apartement, sitting in front of Erwin's, in an I-like-to-think-a-nonchalent-way but that really is not, judging by how many times my hands have clenched and unclenched since I got here - that is only for me to know though. And when Erwin gets there, I already know by the look in his eyes what he's gonna say. C'mon who am I kidding? Seing rejection in his eyes stings... No matter how much I say I can't go back to him... I still want to.
I get up and out of his way as he opens the door and motions for me to follow him inside. We both head for the living room. I don't sit and he doesn't tell me to. I know this is gonna be quick. I know the man inside-out and I believe he does me too, no need to drag things out with uselessly long introductions and reminescence of our relationship and shit. He says:
-"So."
-"So ?"
-"How long have you been waiting?"
-"Erwin, you and I both know you don't give a fuck how long I've waited."
I hiss at him, not at all liking the way he chose to start.
-"Levi, You know I do care, despite everything. I hope you know that."
Huh, don't get him wrong. I know well-enough that the part I'm to focus on, is in no way the " I still give a shit" one- of course he does. Breaking up wouldn't make Erwin a cold man I already said that- but rather the " despite everything" part. This might not be the right time to think this, but one of the things I liked- like- the most about this man was how he expressed himelf in a way that would, on one hand ensure he got his message accross, and on the other one, lessen the damage said message could produce. No need to say I like that less, now that I'm on the recieving end. Ok I'm getting out of track here ...
Looking Erwin in the eyes, I can tell he knows I got the message.
-"I know that. Although I'd highly appreciate you showing that by keeping your hands off me. And eyes...and if possible, mouth too."
He chuckles. It's not funny, I know. I never intended it to be. And Erwin can spot a warning when he hears one.
-"And..."
-"Levi." He interrupts.
He's trying to get away from the "why" talk, but I'm not letting him.
-"No, Erwin. I might not need to say this, cos I trust you to know, but I'm saying it anyway. I'm not trying to fix anything at this point. you know how I work, you don't like it, your buziness not mine. I'm not trying to hold you back or some shit. But, I WANT my explanation, and I'm getting it."
Erwin winces, I know it's not gonna be pretty, it never is when he's stressing over how to say it. But I know he's neither gonna try to talk me out of it, nor lie to me. So I don't care how long I have to wait for my answer. I have all the time for this.
He's not gonna say anything about my pride- he made sure I knew he loved that- or my language - same- my attitude -no- my cleanness, that would be a low blow but I don't think that's the problem...
Erwin looks up, and I instantly spot the contours of guilt shadowing his sea pupils.
-"I promised someone else"
-"What ?"
Ok, he may have taken his time to come up with a lie. But PLEASE, at least make it believable. Erwin does NOT cheat! But Erwin isn't stupid. and Erwin doesn't lie...
-"There's this woman that I met long ago ..."
-"Wait... How Long ago ? You mean long ago? Like before you met me?"
Fuck! He's not lying, I can see it in his stance; shoulders slouching down, hands fisted at his sides. All his body screams tense, and his eyes still hold the same guilt, if not darker now. I don't need to see him nod to know my assumptions are right. But having it confirmed makes it worse.
-"You mean to say you've cheated on HER with ME ? That you started this thinking you were gonna two-time her with me then just fucking toss me aside like a fucking toy ? And! Not telling me?"
-"Erwin don't you dare fucking stay silent !Fuck ! Answer me !"
-"Yes."
-"Yes what ?"
At this point, I don't even need to wonder how masochistic I am. I can already feel my chest getting crashed for the God-knows-how-many time.
- "Yes, I did go out with you thinking I would have to break up with you for her."
I can't say anything. I don't even want to say anything. I just let it sink in. To think that everything I know of this man is a lie. He had me fooled, ridiculed, humiliated... and... I can't care less. I just felt in love with a made-up lie.
-"Levi ..."
-"Shut up I don't even wanna hear your voice right now."
-"Levi ... I'm sorry"
-"Fuck off ... Save it for your..."
I don't find it in me to finish, I see him try to say something but I turn on my heels and head for the door, I'm getting out of here. And never setting foot here again...
But, I'm already Punching him, grabbing a fistful of his shirt before I even realize I went back inside.
-"Why did you even bother ?"
He looks at me all confused, I don't even bother explaining. shove him against the wall and take off for good.
End of chap 4.
Erwin pov coming next. Don't hate him please
hum l'm sorry guys; I wrote this chapter and was almost done with it, i was even very satisfied with what i wrote, but my pc shot down ( well i pulled the alimentation thingy while wriggling in my bed ) and i had to write everything again, and it felt like i was chasing after something written by someone else, and couldn't convey what i felt the first time ( words really flew out of me without me having to think about each and every one of them :o )
so i apologize about this being poorly-written and sometimes awfully exagerated and annoying