I never ever wanted or thought I would have to tell Levi. I thought I could somehow skip that part of the conversation. But, having Levi so adamant on getting his answer, seing him insecure and wondering what part of him could have made me pull back just made it impossible for me to hold it.
Yes, I would want nothing more than to have Levi look at me in the same way forever, to keep him chained to me, us, to avoid crushing "his Erwin". But I cannot bare seing him questioning himself. No! So I told him. Not everything, but he got the big picture... Rather he got a certain big picture.
And now even catching me looking, longing for him, craving his touch or even kissing him again wouldn't get him insecure, anxious or doubtful. He'd still ... Hate me...
God! What have I done?
I should have told him the complete truth. Not just that small fragment, That hinted at something so close yet so far from the truth. God! He thinks I used him to cheat!
I never would cheat.
And even if I had been dating someone else, I'd have called it off before starting anything with Levi.
But that's what Levi wanted... A clean break. Something to tear him away from me for good. Something that would give him peace of mind no matter how inconsistent I could be. I couldn't take that away from him then. I would do that now with hardly any second thoughs, If I had the chance to have that conversation again.
Being apart, and able to still sneak glances his way was something I could cope with. Not enough. But I could live with just that. Just those instances where Levi looked so smitten with me, where Levi loved me even though I walked away... I was a jerk to him, but he still looked at me with the same tenderness in his silver eyes. I hardly said anything to him, just hoped he'd understand whenever I needed, craved to hear him talk, and when - and why -I just had to ignore his attempts at simple conversation...
I could live with just that, and had the stupidity to think I could live with less. Less that at the time I never thought would envolve a hateful, vengeful Levi. I didn't know what to say. How to explain this... So I just blurted out whatever seemed the closest. God! How stupid can I get? Making Levi hate me just to give him closure... But he needs it. And I am not going back with Levi. Not till I finish this.
Not ever it seems... Seing how he now hates me.
It's been 4 hours since Levi stormed out of my house. I'm on my couch, the couch closest to the wall Levi shoved me against. I've been thinking of just going after him and explaining the whole situation. Just so I could erase those images of Levi's eyes burning with fury and hate... Images of Levi walking away. But again, I can't.
My cheek is swollen. It stings. But I don't even care enough to do something about it. I just want Levi back. Thank God my feet are too heavy to take me there. I can't do this to him now. I need to leave him alone and just focus on my problem:
There's a woman I've loved like I've never loved anyone. Levi was a really close call. But I was so focused on my memories of her I never really gave him a chance. Don't get me wrong I love Levi. I need him. I long for him. I thought I could live with him and just get over her that way. But I've been looking for her for so long that I couldn't bare to stop. Even for Levi. I wanted to. I swear. But, she would just pop out in my head anytime. And I would drift off thinking about her again.
The more time I spent with Levi, the more guilt I felt at abandoning her. At cowardly forgetting about her - She mayb not even remember me. I don't know. But I can't help it... That's why I broke it off. It wasn't fair to neither of them. Especially Levi. I was too overwhelmed with the memories to think rationly. To love Levi properly. Still am.
I too need a clean break. With who I don't know. But now that mine and Levi's was kinda forced into happening I don't really have any say in the matter. Yes. It was my fault for breaking up. But I wanted Levi to wait for me. To love me still.
Even catching myself thinking that disgusts me. God I'm so ... Greedy.
But I love Him...
I need to solve this quick.
The bottom line is the part I remember is nearly not enough for me to do that.
Let me elaborate:
5 years ago, I was in an accident. A terrorist attack to be exact. That's where I lost my right arm, this part Levi knows. I had been unconscious most of it. So my psychiatrist gave me the OK to go soon after. And I was allowed to go on with my life with just a slight inconvenience. No. No PTSD, Since I didn't remember the attack. That was my problem. It seemed that at some point my head had been hit too. Thus making me loose some of my memories; I didn't even remember how I lost my arm. The doctors said that the cut had been the farthest from clean. They said that judging by the state of my tendons and nerves, my arm had been pulled relentlessly until it finally tore off. They said losing my memory was the best thing that could have happenned, saying that remembering the barbaric scene would have left huge scars on my... Psyche.
At first I could only recall things that happenned at least 1 year prior to the accident. But, then I started remembering. Some of the memories floaded my brain completely and I had no problem describing places I had been to and people I got to know in that year. Those things I remembered to the smallest details. It was like I never ever even lost them.
Some others though were harder to regain. They kept appearing in the form of hazy flash backs, that had me panting and glistening with sweat. My heart would be racing and I would have unbearable nausea, breathing trouble for a while before I could finally settle down. After the first 2 years they stopped coming at me though. I still have no clue what some of those flashes were about and I'm still trying to figure them out.
Of course the fact that I had to get used to living with only one arm, had to go through all those physical-therapy sessions, and of course all the phases of depression, self-hate and inferiority complex never made it easy... It was never supposed to be easy.
There were people to help me though. Some not exactly in the way that I wanted them to; My parents flew here as soon as they were told about my injury; I had moved out of the family home around 3 years prior the accident. As soon as they got there though, I remembered why I left, and exactly why I didn't work hard to keep our ties. Soon I was stuck between my father calling me an idiot and an ignorant for getting envolved in all of that, saying I should have foreseen it, and avoided it, and my mother saying nothing to counter his accusations and begging me to go back home so she could smother me with her motherly-care. She didn't say that of course, she just said I'd be better off home, that I would be safe and sound besides her, and never again risk anything happening to me. I couldn't find it in me to say anything back to them, but my doctor saw how much their presence hindered my recovery and sent them away.
I hadn't been alone for long though. And one day, one of those I had been having flashes of, came into my room. Mike. Childhood friend and current best friend -appearently- Had been looking for me since my sudden disappearance, that's what he thought. He contacted the cops. Who after some investigation, told him I had been injured and sent to the hospital. He came as soon as he could. I recognized him easily instantly. Confided in him, and immediately acted like his long-time friend as soon as he walked in the room.
Talking to Mike let me know many things waaay before I remembered them. It has also given me the certainty that my flashes were not something I imagined, something my mind created to escape the horror of what happenned, like my psychiatrist hadwarned me when I told him- but things I forgot.
Then I started having flashes of her. A sweet sweet little cutie I liked holding like nothing. From all the flashes of me conforting her and whispering sweet nothings in her ear, I coud make out how much anxious she could get. I still have no idea what she looks like. But I believe I'll recognize her the moment I see her. That's what happenned with Mike. With Hanji too... I never saw their faces in my flashes. But I recognized them instantly as soon as I saw them.
I don't know what exactly made us part ways. As she wasn't there after the accident. She left no calls. Not a sign that could help me find her. I asked Mike but he said I mentioned people I went out with, just vaguely with no details so he didn't remember. I didn't really understand how that could have happenned as I'm not one to hide my loved one. Perhaps I only came to love her after she left... Classic. I was so confused by then though, that I even asked my mother about her. Even knowing I could have never told her anything personal. For one, we weren't that close. Two, I'd be too wary of my father seing my partner's company as non-fitting of a family such as ours and trying to get between us.
Of course they knew nothing.
I kept looking for her. Looking for vague things such as her impending charisma, the warm feeling that washed over me whenever the flashes came, the mere feeling of her touch... Her in my arms, her head tucked under my chin... No. Believe me that hardly helped... I couldn't find a woman taller than me if I wanted...
I never found her. Never remembered even who she was or where I came to know her.
And then I met Levi.
He was so ... Levi I could not resist. No matter how much I wanted to find her. I kept chasing after Levi. And then I had him. And for the 2nd time I forgot about her. I was so happy. I felt so complete with Levi that I forgot what kept me focused the 3 years between the accident and Levi.
2 wonderful years later. Guilt was eating me again. Levi would catch me agonizing over the whole story and I'd pretend I was merely dozing off. Sometimes I would wanna tell him. Chicken out of it. And end up sending him a silent warning, he had never seen any of it... And to be honest I was a fool to think he would.
Aside from the guilt of forgetting her which was growing duller the longer I stayed with Levi - she too forgot about me so I deemed it ok for me to do so. Or maybe I was just fooling myself... -,There was the guilt I felt at something else... A promise... An oath. Something big, a promise I shouldn't have forgotten and that I should keep by all means. I had no idea what I had promised. But I promised... I wore myself out trying to ignore it and just revel in Levi... But, at some point, it all grew unbearable.
And I had to let him go.
End of chapter 5.
Sorry sooooorry for the long wait. But hey it's a long chapter ^^
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