Erwin pov
I've never in my life wavered so much. I've never so much as re-considered a decision of mine, let alone think for years about it, to come out with no answer.
Hanji told me she was gonna corner him today. He's kinda been pushing her and Mike away. They don't like it. Neither do I, but in the end, it's all about what Levi decides. I wouldn't want him to be on his own. It's enough that I bailed on him. I wanted to watch from the side-lines while she talked to him, but she told me to stay home and wait for her call. She said Levi wouldn't be comfortable talking with me around. I keep feeling pangs of guilt assault my chest at that but I can no longer do anything about it. I completely deserve it. Even more so since I don't completely regret my decision.
I question it but I still don't regret it.
I'm pacing in my living room. I'm anxious for several reasons:
1. I know I'm getting closer to finding her. A silouhette becomes clearer and clearer. It's like when you're walking in thick fog and you get closer and closer to someone's back. It's not perfectly discernable, but it keeps getting clearer the closer you get to them. A petite woman, frail waist, narrow hips, with hip-long hair, I don't really know why but I can't see colours in this fog, so I can't really say what colour her hair is... I also still can't see the face, but I feel like I'll be able to see it any day now. I know I'll be able to see it any day now.
Is she getting closer? Geographically speaking I mean. Is she coming back? Where did she go? Will she recognize me fist? Or will I be able to tell her from the crowd? I don't know... Will I have to explain why I didn't look for her? Has she been waiting for me to find her first? Was that what I promised? Am I willing to find out? Yes Of course! Is it worth everything I did for it? I don't know... For one thing, there's Levi. And I still can't convince myself that what I did to him wasn't 100% wrong. Was it worth it to have him hate me this way? I don't know. Am I gonna stop?
No...
I can't.
2. Is this guilt ever gonna ease? Am I ever gonna feel better about causing Levi pain? I doubt it. How can I live with this? I couldn't ignore the guilt of a forgotten promise and ended up breaking up with him for the sake of just that promise, will I ever be able to live with Levi unhappy on my conscience? No. It's stupid, but that's part of why I want him to be friends with Hanji and Mike again. He doesn't have to be alone. No, he has to never be alone! which brings me to problem number 3:
3. Is talking to hanji gonna be enough to convince him to stop pulling away from them? After all, I was the one to introduce them. He might think I'm behind that. He doesn't trust me right now, and thinking that I'm close to them might be why he's pulling back. And if they go back to being friends again, will I have to erase myself from his life? Or will we be able to re-start a frienship-based relationship? Can I be only friends with Levi? Will he even be willing to let me in again? Will he ask me to pull away from my friends too? Or will they be caught in the middle of our break-up? If that's the case, will that be enough to make him happy? I know it's hard for him to be sociable and that friends are scarce in his life, he can't afford to lose them, that I know, but is having them enough to make him happy?
I get a message from Hanji saying :" assault on the wall !"
I don't know why she likes using that to mean that there's something wrong, and that we should meet at the usuall place. She's such a child sometimes I wonder how she can work in a research lab. Well, let's not forget she has her serious moments too. Few but existent nonethless.
I change clothes and head out. Coming. out of the elevator, I find myself facing a scwoling Levi. I can't help the "hey" that escapes my lips even though I know I'm about to get told off.
-"Fuck off". There it comes. I knew it was coming. Like I knew he would hit me when I told him. Did it make it hurt less? no. Does it make it hurt less now? No.
Levi walks past me without so much as a glance my way, not even a glare, or a look of disdain... Nothing. My eyes follow him until he gets in the elevator, and only then do I notice he's not alone.I hear the young man following him inside the elevator mutter I a faint" Is that him? ..." before the doors close and I feel my chest clenching at the thought that Levi felt the need to confide in someone. That he, of all people, could trust a total stranger, tell him what's on his mind, and to later on let him into his home...
Along those thoughts, there's this feeling that tells me I've seen the man somewhere before. You should all know where that thought leads me. I know I'll be talking to him someday soon. My feeling and the way he looked at me, tell me he's gonna be of some help in finding her. Maybe I felt like I was closer to her, because I'd soon find him?
I soon reach our usual caf . The bells churn as I push the glass door and step inside the warm cosy place. I spot Hanji and walk her way. I feel Bert and Reiner looking me up and down accusingly. They've always been quite attached to Levi. My chest soars with pride at how my... How Levi, unconsciously, and with zero to no efforts on his part has - although he's denying it- gained people's sympathy. He believes they're all acting out of fear, but I see respect and care. They'd stick out for him any time, and seeing the way the lovers are glaring at me right now, I'd say they're looking out for any possible faux-pas on my part.
Haha Levi will go livid when I tell him. He'll..
Hanji helps me out of the guilt-induced vicious circle I've been getting caught in each time I've thought about Levi.
-"You're here! Took you some time..."
-"Yea sorry, I've encountered some..." I trailed off looking for ways to get my point accross, "Problems that had me immersed in my thoughts on the way here"
-"Oh! So now's Levi's a problem? Or were you referring to the young man accompanying him?"
She saw him too?
-" Actually, Levi's numerous ways of making me vanish from his life"
I say, and I know she heard the bite of guilt in there.
-" Erwin... You know he's going through rough times..."
-" You mean I pushed the rough times right into his face... It's just I've seen him deliver these to others, just not with this... Indifference. And never have I been on the recieving side"
-" Wait it out."
-" And then what?"
-"Then he'll be less... Spiteful"
-"He's not doing this out of spite."
-"Not completely"
-"Look I can't expect anything from him as long as I'm still hesitating. I feel like a stupid two-timer!"
She snickers and then goes all serious.
-"Then hurry up. Because unlike what everyone thinks, Levi is one of the most caring and protective men I know to those he holds dear and till now, you still belong to that cathegory. You know Levi can very patient with these people, but It just so happens that these circumstances won't let him show such patience with you."
She's right. I know she is. About Levi going all momma-bear on those he loves. Does the connotation still apply to me? I'm not so sure...
-"How do you know that?"
-"My information. My sources."
I know for a fact that when Hanji refuses to name her sources, it means that those are her most reliable ones. And if I still somehow hold part of Levi's affections, then all's different.
-"So what's wrong?"
-"I talked to Levi about how he's been pulling away from us, he denied at first and then said he wasn't on his own. I don't know if he meant it as a nice way to say fuck off, or if it's real. Besides, he's been hanging out with the 3 new kids more and more lately."
-" I honestly have no idea. I told you we weren't talking, and since I've come to know him, Levi has never been so open with new people. It intrigues me and I can't help my confusion at his new... Acquitances. And by the way, I was thinking of talking to that kid with steel-grey eyes"
-"Eh? Why him? What made him catch your interest?"
-"God Hanji! No i'm not interested in him! If I could be with anyone right now, you know who I'd undoubtedly be with over and over again!"
-"Then why are you keeping yourself from doing just that?"
-"You know exactly why. I can't... Go back now."
-"Then why are you speaking with the kid? You jealous? Isn't that selfish of you to do that now?"
-"I... I'm not..." I stop denying when I realize it might be partly true... That aside from asking about her, I'm also curious of his relationship with Levi... I want ...
I chose the safe route and just go for a change of subject.
-"He seems familliar. I feel like he could be related to her in one way or another."
-"Then go talk it out."
She encourages but I can see the look of disapproval in her eyes.
I'm waiting in a restaurant right now. It's almost time for Eren to come. I've learned his name when I asked around about him. Reiner right out ignored me while Bert gave me the 'you're gonna fuck him now?' Look. They just nodded when I asked them to relay a message to him. I just gave them the message written on a piece of paper I found on the counter:
" meet me at 'wings of freedom' at 5." Erwin Smith.
I'm not sure they did, given how protective of Levi they are. I will just have to try again if this fails. Just as I'm thinking of ways to approach him in the coming days without letting Levi's protectors intervene, I see the young man pushing the door, making the closest waiter turn around at the sounds of the bells dingling. Said waiter welcomes him in and leads him to our table when Eren gives him my name. I greet him and he nods before pulling the chair and taking the seat in front of me.
-" Hey."
-"Hey." he answers. " So what's up?"
This is awkward! I have no idea how to start off this conversation!
I stay silent for a while before I chose to small-talk him into answering my curiosity as casually as possible
-" So I've seen you hanging out with Levi."
-" Yeah, he beat me up and now I'm kissing ass."
I let a laughter seep through my teeth in answer to his joke. Strange, why is he with him all the time if Levi's beaten him before? And why is Levi letting him come so close to him when he's reached the beating stage?
-"Excuse me but I don't see how Levi would purposely beat you up and you'd still be willing to stay close to him?"
-"Oh! He didn't purposely beat me up. He was drunk and he kind of uneashed on me when I got too nosy. I liked, still do if not more, the way he acted and chose to stick to him against his will. Now all I can say is that he's barely standing me."
-"But Levi rarely drinks beyond the drop that makes him even the slightest tipsy. And even that is pretty scarce?"
I ask without thinking because, really, Levi rarely drinks, let alone get drunk to the point of beating random people.
-" I believe something happened between you two that night. But you should know better. He was mumbling about a blue-eyed, asshole... He kinda beat me up and then... No never mind."
I saw something flick in his eyes, and chose not to insist on knowing what he was going to say. I'm not sure I can stand hearing what I think I saw in there...
-"I presume this is not why you wanted to meet?"
He asked when the silence dragged on and the original awkwardness came back.
-" No actually..."
I still don't know how to bring it up, but he cuts me off saying:
-"I seem oddly familiar right?"
He catches me off guard, and I can feel the rush of adrenaline through my blood.
-"Yes, you do."
-"You know why?"
I'm just glad someone took charge of the conversation for once. I'm so confused I doubt I could lead our it like I'm used to. I really don't like talking without some kind of info backing me up...
-" Actually, that's why I wanted to talk to you... You seemed familiar and I, for reasons that I'm currently not willing to expose, wanted to know exactly what kind of relationship we've had and inquire about some of our common aquitances, if we had any."
-" Well... Yes we knew each other. But I'm sorry to say I'm not in the position to reveal where and when we met and interacted, as I believe you should re-discover that on your own. It's okay, I understand why you wouldn't tell me and I don't mind. We weren't that close anyway, actually we weren't close at all. But let's just say, a lost of us were willing to put our lives on the line for you. Some of us actually did, and I still would if need be.
-" A lot of you?"
-" You may not have not noticed, but I'm not the only one you've forgotten. But you seem to have forged new bonds with them and I honestly find you guys' current relationship saner... Better this way... "
-"Saner? What do you mean?"
-" I can't really say."
-" I have the feeling I'm better off not knowing."
-" In a way yes. After all what we lived was horrendous. The memories would hunt you, the fright would come bite you each time you'd feel weak and not leave you for days after that. But not knowing will make you miss out on so much on the other hand; no matter the circumstances, none of us were never alone. Not one moment were you facing the difficulties on your own. You wished to change things but, never for them to change on their own. You wanted to be the one to bring the change..."
-" So me not remembering means I didn't or I did?"
-" Again I can't really say."
He smiles tiredly at me. And I look at the time to see that it was already 7, and our coffees had gone cold long ago. He followed my gaze and then rose up saying it was time for him to go. I couldn't let him pay for a drink he had not even touched, being the one to invite him, so I just pulled a few notes leaving a nice tip for a waiter that knew when to make himself unnoticeable.
My brain kept going through the conversation all the way back to my house, but I still could come out with nothing. Appearently, me, Eren, and some other people I know, and that probably have at some point come in contact with the young man were fighting against something together. I guess it went for a good while since we seem to have had a good relationship. And then, I presume I was one of the stronger ones since Eren said I wanted to make a change and they were willing to lay down their lives for me... And then I'm the only one to have suffered a severe injury. But then why has no one tried to come to me about it? Why has no one looked familiar like Eren had? Does this mean I was closest to him or that I'm getting closer to remembering? But then, no one seems to. Did they forget too? Is this part of a bigger scheme? Were we all subjected to some sort of hypnosis that made us all lose our memories regarding that period of our lives? Or is this just me over-reading it and just an unfortunate consequence of the accident? After all they could just be good at acting. But then again, was it really an accident? Or was I targetted and attacked to stop me from reaching my goals? Are the others protecting me? Is Eren protecting me by not telling me? Am I protecting Levi by staying away from him? Is it really ok for me to remember? Do I want to remember?
YES!
It's no longer about her. I just want to remember who I was, who I had by my side, and what really happened.
The lift dings and I'm surprised to find myself already in our building. I'm heading out the elevator when I realize I'm at Levi's floor.
Why am I still coming here? I don't even have the courage to knock...But I just like hearing the sounds of him moving around inside, cleaning - If he's stressed out- watching TV, and if it's something I know he would never watch then I'm sure he's passed out on the couch. I sound like a stalker this way, and look like one I know, But I have to have some of his news...
I snap out when I hear a door opening. It's coming from the left, Levi's side of the floor! And I can't help the sweat that races down my back at the thought that he might have known of my nightly ritual. But then I hear female squeeling and Levi's voice. I look up to see a short woman- yes even shorter than Levi- talking heatedly to him. He smiles at her and my heart sinks. God! it's been so long since I've seen one of his smiles... I finally can get my head out of the images of Levi's smiles, smirks, and blushes that have assaulted my mind to find him breaking out of a hug she pulled him in - probably, because I can't see Levi intentionally hugging people- bringing one of her suitcases into his home. She turns around once he disappears inside, to bring in the smaller one. Her short strawberry hair flows in waves around her face. Her hazel eyes fall on me, and widen in surprise before she nods and turns around probably thinking of me as a neighbour.
Petra...
...Petra Ral.
" I swear I'll find you! No matter what!"
I guess that was the promise.
End of chapter 8.
So? what do you think? I hope you liked it
I'm sorry for the cliff-hanger, but you gotta do what you gotta do...
I'll try to write next chapter as soon as possible, but I need to rest. This chapter's so lon