So after numerous days, weeks and months of thinking I decided to have it as just one chapter.
Ok there's also the part where i'm lazy, actually the laziest person u might encounter and that i just came accross a whole lot of good fanfictions here on wattpad and on and ofc archive of our own... u might wanna check them out cos they rock! but that's beside the point... I'm also watching one piece and gintama, having morning shifts then courses till 7pm AND NIGHT SHIFTS !
And Then I got sick...
And then I needed to study for up-coming exams... Still do actually :3
Erwin pov
I don't know why seing Petra Ral made me remember the promise and her, but it did. Well, at least I know one more person was involved in this mess. I don't know why seing Petra Rall triggered my memory while talking with Eren did nothing but further confuse me. She must have been of extreme importance in her life, must have interfered with ours at some point if the sheer sight of her made me remember our promise. I still don't remember her though, the promise just popped in my head but that's about it. I'm kinda relieved though. Seing as what I promised was to find her, not to be romantically involved with her, to marry her like I feared. Which has me thinking that maybe I made this whole thing up. Not her and the promise, NO! But the relationship part... I know I remember holding her in my arms and all, but she could as well have been family. Finding her would mean something conpletely different then. And I would have wrecked a perfectly functioning and probably, no definitely the best relationship I've ever had for that... God I miss Levi. I wish it could be that. Just someone, I promised to find, like a long-lost friend or something, and not in a romantic way. I could just explain everything to Levi once I remember everything and I'm sure once and for all this is it. Would he believe me? Or would he think I'm just toying with his feelings? Would he even give me the time of day and listen to what I have to say to him? God I have no idea how he's gonna react... I just want this to be IT. I want this whole thing solved and done with. I want Levi back. I want Levi. Simple. I know she's most probably a past lover, that, I know pretty well. Doesn't matter how much I berate myself into thinking that we weren't romantically involved, no matter how much I try to convince myself that she's but a ghost of the past, it's all my indecisiveness and hesitation coming back to bite me in the ass. It's pretty obvious from the way those small flashbacks made me feel, that she meant something - and quite a lot- to me. it's just that I find myself caring less and less about that... But what if I went back to Levi - provided he accepted to have me back- and she comes up in our life, and I have doubts again. I can't do that to him twice! That's why the most logical thing to do, would be to wait till I have all of my memory back, or till she shows up, and all of this is cleared up...
So I was thinking that maybe, I should ask Petra if she knew anything about the woman I'm looking I can't help caring less and less... Again... I remembered the promise and it's like a balm has been applied and all the need to scratch the itch's gone... Am I really gonna spend my life looking for a ghost? Looking to the point that I can't even be with Levi? Isn't this supposed to stop someday? I've been actively looking for what now? 5 years? Maybe if I stop looking, I will just stumble upon her like I did with Mike, Hanji, now Eren and Petra... Maybe she'll just pop in my life someday, I'll find her, and be like : "Hey, you're here! I've been loking for you! So now that I've found you, I'm gonna go back to my perfect life with my perfect husband... Oh right here's my husband... Levi..." my husband I wish that could happen soon... Me getting back with Levi, and him being my husband... forever... I can't seem to think about anything else these past days, actually since I remembered the promise... No even before that. I've never stopped thinking about Levi and wanting him as mine again.
Aside the obvious me wanting to clear this up once and for all before starting anything with Levi. Something else is stopping me. Something big.
I'm a man with no past, a man with no recollection of whatever he's done for decades of his life... I can't say for sure what I've done or if it'd put Levi in danger. Actually I'm pretty sure it will. Would I risk Levi's life just for my own sense of contentment? Surely not!
The answer's plainly obvious. I have to remember everything first. What happened that made people put their lives on the line for me. Who I was to deserve that, and how it all came to that. Most importantly whether it's over, or has stopped because of me losing my memory. I need to remember. And the sense of urgency that comes with that desire, no need, is oddly familiar. Which makes me think that maybe, what I've been so focused on remembering all along, could have been my past... And not just her, the void I've been trying to fill, the one those lost years of my life left and not just a lost promise, or her. I could have been confusing both. That would explain why I'm now striving to find out all there is to know about me, while I can't say I'm even as much as eager to find her. It's now just something that I want to put behind me. A promise that I'd rather fulfill than not. But all sense of urgency regarding that just vanished when I remembered said promise...
I finish dressing and just head out for work... I've never found work this tiring and boring. Well true, I have always had Levi helping me out with a few calls, and messages... Even if it was just to complain about me leaving the bedroom messy, messing up his clothes/pants in the elevator, or how his hips could barely hold his weight, it never failed to bring a smile to my face. I have to admit I was whipped... Still am. To be able to enjoy his scolding as much as his twisted-compliments and sarcastic answers, his giant blushes that would inexorably turn into something nasty he'd say to cover up his embarrasment...How he'd say anything -mean or not- to get the romance to stop... He thinks I'm the romantic one while he, with his shyness, attention to details, and desire to please and appease me in any way he could think of is the one riling me up most of the time... Is the one making my insides warm at those sweet gestures of his, leaving me with no choice but to love him more each time. And I just would just be unable to stop spoiling him and teasing him relentlessly in return... Just remembering the shade of red that would always overtake his cheeks whenever things turned romantic makes my stomach squeeze in need to hug him all to me. Hug him so tight he'll have trouble moving away. Envelop him in one of those hugs he pretends to hate. Where I just pick him off the ground and crash him to my chest while he holds onto my shoulders screaming at me not to drop him. And cussing at how tall I am and how I'm not allowed to do that to him... Hum, but that's beside the point... So ... Work yeah! It has never ever been this boring... But I've never been less concentrated either. Yes Levi distracted me from time to time, I used to smile at his antics, let that warmth spread through me for a bit, and then put all feelings aside, and get back to work like nothing happened. But, now... You can already guess from how long it took me to get this point accross, I can't stop thinking about Levi, this memory loss of mine, that woman that I promised to find- I spend veeeery small time thinking about that though-, what happened before, and what could in that forgotten past be even potentially hazardous to Levi's life. Yes, that's almost the only reason keeping me from crawling back to him. I don't know how anybody could manage to convince Levi of such a thing as taking them back after they've tossed him aside with the lame excuse that they cheated on someone with him, let alone how I could manage that while still being hesitant and ignorant of most of my past... What if he asks me for the real stuff behind all of this: "OH: actually Levi... You know I don't remember anything prior to my accident, but actually I didn't tell you everything, and Mike, Hanji and the guys weren't the only ones I remembered. Actually the one I remember the most vividly was this woman that I kept looking for. But then I met you and fell in love with you, and you made me forget all about that... Well not really, because I kept having flashbacks of her and me, and there was this lingering promise that I hated to break. And felt like I had to fulfill. The guilt got heavier and I decided that I couldn't be with you while thinking of her... And that by doing that, I was betraying you both, by giving you not all of me. And her, just the bits of my thinking that I could afford to steal from you. But now, I rememberd that promise... And I didn't promise her to be with her or marry her I just promised her to find her. And I'm so happy because this means I didn't cheat on her or you.. And yes I'm a total idiot for thinking that because I promised her to find her and nothing else, it means that there was nothing between us. But I could always find her then tell her I moved past our relationship. I know it's stupid to think that even with this doubt that everything could crumble to pieces again I want you to take me back... Oh and I forgot to tell you that people were putting their lives on the line for me. And that I now think that that terrorism attack was something I wasn't just unfortunately envolved in, but an act that was planned against me. So yes, please indulge this selfishness, naivety and nonsense of mine and come back to me."
Yeah right.
By the the time I was home, I was well convinced that I had to choose between Levi and that woman that I didn't know. It might seem stupid, and naive, or even dumb, but it seemed to me that choosing now would be easier; as I'd be able to choose without guilt or the weight of a forgotten promise. I had to choose based on what? And for the first time in my life, I needed to choose according to what I wanted, to what I saw myself being satisfied, and god! happy choosing... It could be unconsciously pushing myself towards choosing Levi, but that in itself was already a major hint at what I'd eventually - and subconsciously already- choose. It's pretty obvious thinking that way that I would have to make amends, and ask for forgiveness in due time, but I need to set myself free from the Walls I've been living within. I need to live freely without having any kind of ill-feeling weighting on my conscience and soiling my existence with uneeded guilt.
My decision was clear.
And instantaneous.
I needed to stop looking.
The past would come to me in due time, but I am no longer waiting for it, expecting it, and ruining my life, my future betting on it. I'm no longer wavering ...
and Levi is the only way.
There is still a long way to go till we -if we- regain our past relationship, or even just a good one regardless of what we had, but I still want that.
GOD I want that.
My brain keeps going over all of that time and time again, and when I lie down I keep thinking of that till sleep takes over...
I don't know when thoughts of Levi cease, and when the walls of my room morph into an oddly familiar street... But I soon find myself pushing a grincing door, waving at people here and there, and going straight for the bar. Mike smiles at me, bends over the old wood and whispers in my ear:" Upstairs, don't stay too long though." While looking at a corner of the grand salle where I can easily recognize my father's lackeys. I nod the most unconspicious nod I could pull off, and sit down, ask for my usual drink and sip on it for a good 20 minutes. When I'm sure I drank enough to justify my coming here I gesture to the restroom and spring from my seat. As soon as I'm sure I can no longer be seen, I race up the stairs and push open the one door that seperates us. I encase the small body in my arms, and roughly kiss those soft lips that have been haunting me for days, I run my hands all over the small figure, and can feel the same being done to me... My mouth wanders off ravenously all over that pale neck.. Soft moans tickle my need and I find myself pulling away to look into the silver eyes I've come to love:
-"I missed you so much..."
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I dip in and reclaim the swollen lips.
We were so engrossed in each other, we missed the footsteps getting closer and closer. We even missed the door opening... God it's been so long! We only break apart when we hear the strident shout of that man, Kenny:
-"Back off! You spoiled piece of rotten nobility"
Turning around I can see the same faces I glimpsed downstairs... So my father is envolved... I tightened my arms around her small waist and feel her squeeze my wrists in return... She doesn't need to worry... I wouldn't let them touch her! Nothing would break us apart!
Not again...
I try to convey just that by looking intently into her silver orbs...
Lost in her silver pupils, everything besides her withers away for a moment, and when I take my eyes off hers, we're alone again. But I can't not notice the different place we are in: Rocky walls, empty dark room, candles as the only source of light... As soon as that thought sinks in, I go back to kissing her. But this kiss isn't tender,isn't just passionate, isn't a kiss of lust and long contained course, those are like back-music to everything we do, But the kiss I'm giving her is one only a man desperate, stuck, helpless, choiceless and trying with all his might not to let go no matter what could give... Soon though, the hands that were pulling me in clench and push me off the small frame of my lover... Staring in confusion at the magnificent raven-head standing in my arms, I say trying to regain the lost warmth:
- "Come here!"
-" Erwin, you know I can't... I need to... You know we should..."
-" Never meet again? No!"
-"No? Can't you see how easily we could be caught? We've already raised suspicions! They would hang us!...Your father would torture you! ... He'd..."
I could hear distinctly the tremor in the desperate plea, but I could not give in...
-"Why? What did we do wrong?"
-"Fuck Erwin! I'm a man! We're both men! We cannot fool them!"
-" So now, you suddenly want to find yourself a wife and be happy with a dozen kids?"
-"Fuck no! Let's just... Not see each other for a while... And then everything will be back to normal!"
-" Normal? In what world would this life be normal? We can't even lock eyes in public for fear they would find out! Let alone hold hands! We have to make sure nobody's around for me to hug you! Be behind closed doors and in complete darkness for me to kiss you! And sometimes we'd have to turn off the damn candles to make sure nobody thinks you're home! We make love once a century, and even while climaxing we need to look out for eavesdroppers! How... How is that fucking normal?"
I couldn't help my outburt and even though he had nothing to do with it, I found myself once again taking my frustrations out on him... He just looked torn and mumbled a feeble:
-"Fuck... I'm sorry!"
-" No no no no no! Nothing's your fault! It's just... This... World we live in is so damn... Sick! Twisted! Unfair! revolting! Crual and pathetic! and I love you! I love you so much! You have no idea...
His lips fall on mine, forcefully sealing my mouth. Trying to make me forget where and how we live...
But I know full well that no matter how much we deny it, this world is cruel and the power's in their hands...
And I can not change it...
Left arm around the thin waist, leaning on the small frame, both of us supporting each other's weights. Me helping him relieve his hurt leg, and him helping my body cope with the still scortching loss. He'd been complaining about my blood soiling his clothes all this time. It's weird because I just saved his life, he should be more focused on expressing some gratitude than some blood on his clothes. His complaining is harmless though, I feel like he's just talking just to make me forget about the throbbing pain in my right shoulder. Even for just a while.
-"You fucker! You idiot! Moron! Dumbass! How the fuck could you..."
-"Drop it..."
-" Drop what? That you just gave up your right arm, to save me from your fucking fellow soldiers? That now, everybody's gonna turn against you? And for what? A man? A jew? You just met?"
-" It's not like I agree with anything they were doing. I was there because my family's -and that certainly does not include my progenitor- life was at stake... And then I couldn't stop myself from jumping in when I realized what they were trying to do to you..."
I really had no idea why my family's safety just lost all priority to me the instant I saw them encircling him. I have been fighting for them for years now. My father enrolled me, I had a whole different picture in my head when I joined at his order and when I realized the real deal was too far from my ideals, I tried to get myself out of it only to be blackmailed into staying... Great measures to keep the perfect race they said... I swallowed all my beliefs and just fought for the freedom and life of those I hold dear. Been doing so for years. I could not understand how I could have given all of that up for a stranger... But I just couldn't help myself... And the thing is.. I couldn't find it in me to regret it...
-"Yeah I know."
-"You know?..."
-"Yeah. You know, me and you have long history together..."
-"You just said it was my first time meeting you?"
-"Guess you'll be remembering soon. After all, you just took a hit for me. Fucking idiot!"
-" You know you're pretty inconsistent..."
-"Shut up you ingrate! I'm helping you escape those fucking nazis! Anyways, they'll soon be coming for you. You can be sure of that."
-" Yeah thanks.'
-" Don't get cheesy on me, old man..."
-" Haha, so what do I call you? I'm Er..."
-" Erwin yeah I know. Told you, you and me have long history... I would let you remember my name on your own if we had more time, but I can't really afford that... It's Levi."
Somber sadness takes over his features and I find myself unconsciously tightening my arm around him and leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek. I instantly pull away dumbfounded at what I just did...
He gives me one of his cheeky smiles:
-" I see you're getting there..."
I'm running no, not running, I can't say for sure but I'm going fast and above ground, I can't explain it but I keep propelling myself forward in the air with these ropes attached to this weird mechanism bound to my hips, I have no idea how it works, and for now, I'm trying not to think about it because whatever reflexes are getting me to fly will probably be forgotten and I'll be stumbling into the ground if I think too much about it. So I'm flying through this strangely familiar old village and whenever I manage to look up, I only see those smothering walls blocking the horizon, so tall they seem to embrace the sky ... The sight of them irrevocably fills me with an overwhelming sense of suffocating, loathing, helplessness. Then an invincible will to fight overtakes my senses and I find myself flying with more vigor and strength than ever. I'm running after someone. That was clear enough in my head. Dashing behind him, trying to at least get to grab his hand ... the thought that his hands are calloused, in opposition to the hands my levi has, comes from nowhere and I have the feeling that that assuption will prove itself right in just about a minute. I finally manage to take a hold of his shoulder and make him turn around. He looks around surprise coating his features.
-" Where are you going?"
-" Hum... Expedition remember?"
He smirks and then adds in his cocky voice :
-" Already forgetting stuff? You're growing old way too quickly. Looks like the white hairs I found last time have multiplied... You can be grateful you're blonde, or you'd be nicknamed after them..."
-"What? No! I don't have white hair! Wait that's besides the point! Of course I know. I meant you're ... We're... supposed to..."
-"Awww getting cheesy? Erwin you know this won't be the last time. It never is."
He says the last part with a serious tone and I feel my insides pulling at the mere thought of... No! Don't go there!
I ignore his words and just go on with my usual farewell ritual... Send-off ritual to be more accurate...
So it's from holding these blades... I think as I feel the metal handler scorching my palms...
I couldn't grasp what was happening Everything was but a blur. I just heard a giant monkey, speaking something that I could not understand, and suddenly we were surrounded by hundreds of them, a blond one, a woman, one that seemed to be wearing an armour, and one that towered over all of them... another was bigger than all of them together but couldn't seem to be able to carry his weight, he was slumped over and was crawling slowly to where the others were lined up. Another one carried blades similar to our own, his stance was copied by a few armed smaller ones... My mind was racing, trying to think of a way out of there, but they were too... Overwhelming...For me to even think. This isn't the first time I'm facing them, not even the first time I've been put in such a grotesquely mortal situation. But the closer they get, the more awfully conscious I become of the foolishness of this decision of mine, the more aware of the weightlessness of my right shoulder, the more convinced of the foolishness of my dream. And then, I don't know why, but suddenly everything seemed to seemed to be important, rather faded in comparison to those silver orbs... I should have listened...
A strident "ERWIIIIIIN" resonates in the dark forest. I turn around, surprise and fear crushing my insides, an indescribable amount of terror souring through my whole being, only to be replaced by invincible pride at the sight of brown and green blurred together, a mortal tornado only more fatal by the light the blades reflected in their circular motion.
His form's impenetrable.
The man I love, the man i...
Incommensurable pain cuts through that thought as my bones crack and blood spurts making my sight blur in an instant. From pain or blood loss I didn't know. As if that wasn't enough already, a completely different kind of hurt explodes through my consciousness as my back brutally collides with the ground... breaking under my weight and the speed of my fall combined. One instant the pain's overwhelming, brutal, maddening, and then it all sort of disappeared. And I was feeling nothingnot even the cold of the soil. Or the ground itself... But hey, all the better. At least I'd go quick...
My eyes were starting to roll back when a shadow hovering over me brings my focus back..
-"No no no! You can't Erwin no! Let's go! They're not dead! I just made sure they would be busy regenerating for a while, come on Erwin, hold on to me! Let's get you out of here!
-"Levi..."
-"Shut up you bastard! You're coming with me! I told you! But you fucking had to be... Fuck!"
He tried to get me to hold onto him. It's not that I don't want to. But it's like even my fingers don't belong to me... I try to pushing him away, to make him go, but even while focusing all my will on just that, my arms stay flaccid in his. Heavy, flaccid and unresponsive...
-"Levi..."
-"Move you bastard!"
-"I... Can't" I see him freeze for a seconds before and then horror takes over his features as he comprehends the situation... His face contorts into one of pure agony, and tears flood his torn features. I can clearly see his jaw muscles contracting as he tries to keep from breaking down in front of me, and his arms tighten around me as he begins sobbing and heaving uncontrollably with me in his arms. I have no doubt Levi knows I'm far too heavy, for him to carry me, his 3DMG would break. I'm... done for...
In a sense, we knew the end was coming, but we kept putting it at bay and just did what we wanted... I just wish we had more time, more...
- "Erw..."
I don't know why I'm realizing this now, but hearing his broken tone reminds me of where we are and I start becoming frantic... Fuck! He needs to get out of here. With all the energy left in me I want to convey my feelings, my hopes, my affections for this man that's holding me and forgetting everything else in the world, in whatever words I could pull out of my mouth. I want my last words to be words of love and eternal passion for this man, to encompass my wishes for him to be the happiest possible. To be the sum up of my life, my dreams, my aspirations.
That's how it was supposed to end. But, I seem to have too little energy and too little time...
One word.
All I have is one word.
All we have is one word...
And I have to say this...
-"...G..Go."
Levi looks up from my chest even more broken and torn. Fuck! He isn't letting me go. He's gonna try to get us both out of here. That's what Levi, looking me in the eye, is trying to convey through his burning gaze, but all I want now is for him to look up. To turn around, to see the monsters lurking behind him and escape before they attack him!
I try to scream for him to go! I try with all my might! but all I manage to do is move my lips in a mute plea for him to pay attention. I watch in horror as Levi catches the movement of my lips and completely distracted leans in, in an attempt to understand what I was trying to say, completely forgetting what's around him...
The last thing I see is the monster swinging his arm in Levi's direction...
My eyes roll back, and I'm enveloped in darkness.
A wrenching feeling in my gut forces me to wake up in sweat and I can't keep the bile from exploding out of my stomach and onto the carpet...
Could it be ? But it makes no sense ...
No strangely it does. It was so real it could in no way have been just a dream.
End of chapter 9.
Hope you enjoyed it and find it in yourself to forgive me for the long wait.
I'm really not satisfied with the first part but decided to post it that way as I wanted more than anything to convey Erwin's hesitation, confusion and how difficult it was for him to choose Levi...
Explanations will be made in the nect chapter so if you have any questions please ask away, some things may seem obvious to me since I'm writing the story and I might forget a few key explanations... So hum... any feed-back will be highly appreciated ^^
thank you. :*