I can't believe this... After all of this... All the pain I caused him, myself, us... After I hesitated for years and then finally decided to look for what I thought I lost, breaking up with Levi and telling him that I had someone else waiting for me...Why? Why did it it only come back to me now of all times? Why not just a few months earlier? I don't understand why I had to ruin my chances with Levi before I could remember and finally realize that the one I was looking for, seeing in my dreams and trying to remember all along has always been him. Were we doomed before we even tried? Is it our destiny to always lose each other one way or another? To face obstacles each and everytime we were to be together? Was it written somewhere that Levi and I absolutely had to go to hell and back in order for us to be together for a while before we were separated forever? Is this what it all means? That we never were meant to be in the first place? That we never would? Is this the world's way of showing us how concieted we are? How arrogant of us to try to defeat destiny time and time again? How we're never gonna measure up? Never gonna overcome whatever obstacles it chooses to plant our way? Is this to say that we should just give up and let things follow their natural flow? Does this mean that even though Levi is the one I've been looking for I'll have to give him up again?
Fuck!
I've had to see him being pulled from my side far too many times already to bare even the thought of giving him up! We've been torn apart in so many ways already it's unbelievable; I've had him kidnapped and married off by Kenny that time he came back as my female lover, we've been both assasinated by the slave-trader when we eloped. Then I had to see him being hung before my very eyes before I recieved my sentence because of our sole sexual orientation. We then were kept from each other because of our difference in statuses they said, and even with Mike doing his best to help us we ended up being found and I had to let him go after seing him being tortured for months... The bastards didn't lay a hand on me! They kept me chained while I had to watch him being drained of his blood day after day... Punishments have been bestowed on us when they found out a nazy soldier had been protecting and having a romantic relationship with a jew... That time too was awful... The more times we were re-born, the more horrific deaths we had, and the less happy moments I can now recall. The only such times I could still think of only belong in our first life... The one where I had him as my captain, and where we stole whatever moments we could to endulge in each other... Where we would sneak kisses and cuddles without a care in the world. Even when carrying the heavy load of humanity's survival, we made the time to love each other, to care for each other and to protect each other the best we could. At that time, that kind of life seemed pretty confining and draining, but it was one of our happiest. And then, no matter what we managed to be together. And destiny seemed pretty much on our side, Now that I think about it; Even if each time ended in a horrific way, how many chances did we get to be together? Yes each time we had no choice, but really wouldn't it be ungrateful to say that we were doomed from the beginning? We fought and it didn't work so far, but each time it didn't work, it seemed like we were given another chance, another shot at making it. And really if I think about it that way, this is by far the easiest life we've had. I don't know what caused me to lose my memories, but we've had 2 years of utter and absolute bliss, only halted by my desire to... find him? Wasn't that what it has been about all along? Us finding each other no matter what? Maybe I had to truly find Levi in this life to deserve being with him? Not just stumbling upon him and loving him, but truly fiding him? And remembering everything on my own? So was my memory loss our obstacle this time? Did I have to remember him to find him? No... That's not it. I found him by remembering but what triggered that? In my past lives, I only remembered after having done something for Levi. I had either had to betray my family to proect him, save her from slave-traders, choose to be with him in a very violent and unforgiving environment... Basically, each time I've kinda proven that I was worthy of him to get to remember him... What happenned this time that did that? All I remember is trying to find her, and then only being able to think of Levi... Wait. If my memory-loss is the obstacle, then maybe deciding to forget about her and choosing the current Levi counted as just that. Maybe I had to only want Levi, to only think of Levi, and to give myself wholy to him for it to show that I truly deserved him. Even if that meant I had to choose Levi over his own past self, I had to toss aside all thoughts of any other being in order to remember him... Only seing this Levi counted... To show that I was deserving of this Levi...
I can't help the laugh that bubbles up my chest at the thought that all this time it's been Levi...
I've never felt so fucking relieved, so happy, do optimistic!
This IS our era. Our time to be happy... The chance we've been waiting for for so long!
We're already halfway there. If finding Levi meant I had to choose Him, to think of only him, to 'find' him, then half the fight's behind us. All that's left now is for him to remember... No that's not important. Yes it would make getting back together easier, but it's not what counts. What counts is that I'm getting Levi back!
Memory or not!
Commander Erwin Smith is getting on the move.
I chuckle again at the thought. I can't wait for Levi to remember.
Till then, time to woo the captain. Chuckle.
Captain's very stubborn though... chuckle.
Extremely cute too.
End of chapter 9.
I just wanna hug them!
this is the chapter it has all been leading to. Everything's pretty much been revealed the rest is fluff... or not :p
anyways, 3 more chapters and then time for the epilogue *0*