Chapter One

Knock knock knock

"Come in." an irritated voice answered.

I took a deep breath, and opened the door to my dad's study. I already knew the answer to the question I was about to ask, but maybe this time would be different.

"Hi Dad." I walked in keeping a hand on the door handle.

"Ted, what can I do for you?" He replied, without so much a moments glance up from his computer screen.

What can you do for me? You can fuckin look at me when I'm talking to you for starters. My subconscious glared at him.

"Uhh…I'm a bit stuck with my homework." I began, "I was wondering if-"

"Not right now Ted, I'm busy, go ask your mum."

Wow, he didn't even let me get the entire sentence out this time. Awesome.

"Sure." I replied hastily, "I'll go do that."

I stood there for a moment and watched him. He just continued to scowl at the computer screen.

After a few seconds he glanced up from whatever the fuck he was doing.

"Was there something else you needed?" he asked pointedly.

You could maybe have a go at being a dad instead of a 24/7 cunt? Oh say that. C'mon say it. My subconcious urged me on.

Instead I smiled politely and replied "No, sorry."quickly closing the door behind me.

And this is how it had been for the last few weeks…months…years? I really couldn't remember the last time my dad paid any attention to me.

For a while I wondered what I had done wrong. Was he mad at me?

Phoebe skipped past me as I walked down the hallway, heading in the direction I'd just come from.

"He's busy." I said, when I realised where she was headed.

"He's never too busy for me." She smiled, poking her tongue out at me. She opened the door without knocking and just skipped in letting the door close behind her.

I stood there and waited…and waited. After a few minutes I heard them laughing about something.

I stood there a little longer, standing in the middle of the hallway, just staring at the door.

A quiet voice from behind me made me jump.

"Teddy, what are you doing?" my mum asked gently. How long has she been standing there?

I shook my head without looking at her, I suddenly realised there was moisture in my eyes.

"Nothing, day dreaming." About what it would be like to have a dad who gave a shit.

I quickly walked past her with my head down and took the stairs two at a time. I closed the door to my bedroom firmly behind me and threw myself down on the bed.

This is stupid. Why am I letting this bother me?

But I knew why it hurt. It hurt because I'd tried everything I could think of, and nothing I did ever made any difference.

I was a straight A student. I never stayed out late. I always did my homework (even without his help).

All my teachers liked me. I was always considerate and well mannered. I kept my room clean. I always did my chores without being asked to and always without complaint. I saved most of my allowance, so I never had to ask my parents for money for anything. I was the perfect child wasn't I?

I wiped my arm angrily across my eyes and sat up, taking a breath to steady myself.

Knock Knock Knock

Shit.

I cleared my throat, hastily wiping my hands over my eyes a few more times to be sure.

"Who is it?"

"It's me." My mum said gently from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?"

I cleared my throat again and quickly grabbed a book from my bedside table to make it look like I had been reading.

"Sure," I said, opening the book to a random page on my lap.

She walked in and shutting the door behind her, turned to face me.

I looked at her expectantly, and she looked back at me. She looked worried and tilted her head to one side as she asked. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I lied. "Why?"

"Don't lie to me Theodore." Theodore. Reserved for serious talks or scoldings.

"I am your mother, and it's my job to know when something is bothering you. I know you're 15 now, but you're still my baby." Definitely not a baby.

"Tell me what's wrong." She came over to sit next to me on the bed.

"Mum, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about." I lied hastily again, looking back down at my book.

She sighed, reached over and took the book from me.

"Really? Well you've already finished this book, I know because you told me on Tuesday at dinner. Teddy please tell me what's wrong, I can't help you if you don't tell me."

She put her hand on my arm and squeezed it gently.

Why bother? She'll just tell you you're being silly. Or selfish. Or irrational….

When I didn't answer, she took a stab in the dark, and as always, was right on the money.

"Does this have anything to do with your dad?"

I kept my eyes down as I answered. "Why would you think that?"

I could feel her eyes on my face as she answered. "Because I found you standing in the hall staring at his study door 2 minutes ago…"

"I told you, I was day dreaming." I said half-heartedly, I knew she wouldn't believe me.

"You did." She said, but her tone told me she didn't believe it for a second.

"Mum, I have homework to do." I said changing the subject and running my hands through my hair.

"In other words, mum get the hell out of my room." She sighed, standing up to leave.

"I didn't say –" I started to defend myself.

"I know that darling." She smiled, smoothing down my hair. "I just want you to know you can come to me, with anything."

She looked so worried that for a moment I thought about telling her what was bothering me.

But I reconsidered and instead stood up and took a step towards her. I was taller than her now but only just. "I know that mum." I said quietly, and I hugged her.

She seemed surprised at first, but she hugged me back tightly.

I felt better instantly, and I hugged her tighter.

I realise looking back on it now, that I wasn't just hugging her because I needed it.

I was hugging her to say I was sorry. Not just for not sharing my feelings with her…but for what I was about to do.

And for who I was about to become. And that is where this story begins.