An Immodest Puppet's Proposal
Chapter 5:
Conquering Hyrule
...
Hello, everyone, this chapter sees the introduction of another OC, as well as fifty percent more parody, and maybe even a lemon or two.
Disclaimer: EvilFuzzy9 does not own Nintendo, nor the rights to the Legend of Zelda franchise.
Revenge of the Disclaimer: EvilFuzzy9 does not endorse Communism as an actual system of government, nor does he endorse promiscuous sex or the degradation of women - this is a work of parody, and all things within should be treated as such.
Except this:
Public Service Announcement: Kids, wait to have sex - waiting makes it all the sweeter. Or, failing that, at least use protection and don't sleep around - otherwise you'll regret it later. Seriously.
End of seriousness.
Okay, now that should cover just about everything. Let's go!
Hanz was not having a good day. The night before had found him tossing and turning in his bed, trying to get some sleep after a tough day of drilling the recruits (who were downright pathetic) and dealing with nobles squabbling over the throne, a throne which was buried under countless tons of rubble! And now he woke up, to find that some of the more daring soldiers must have painted his face while he was sleeping. Under any other circumstances, he would have demoted those soldiers so quickly they would suffer shell-shock from it. Under any other circumstances. But he couldn't afford to demote anyone - not after the invasion of the twilit beasts - the Hylian army was in shambles and they couldn't even hold the nearest outpost for fear of leaving castle town unprotected. If anything, whoever was responsible for the prank had to have had a considerable surplus of chutzpa to risk the wrath of the Captain of the Town Guard, Hanz "The Rockheart" Heineman, and thus deserved a promotion.
Indeed, if there was one thing he was known for (besides being one of the only surviving officers from before the invasion), it was the fact that his was a no-nonsense attitude with an apparent lack of any form of human compassion. There was even a rumor currently circulating among the rookies that he once caught one of his men at a brothel when he should have been at his post, and as punishment, castrated the poor bastard. Of course, it wasn't true. Hanz had a bit of a soft spot for women of the night, himself, and he would never go so far as to castrate someone.
He looked at his reflection in the simple stone washbasin in the corner of his tenement. It appeared that the miscreant had written 'I love to be fucked by men' all over his face.
Screw the promotion, someone was going to die.
"Line up, maggots!" Hanz bellowed in his gravelly voice. "Since it appears that someone," He looked over the men to see their reactions, "Has decided to break into my quarters, you will all be running laps around the city - in full armor!" There was a chorus of groans. "No complaining, maggots! Now run!" He watched in satisfaction as the men started running. Regardless of the prank, they still respected (or feared) their captain enough to follow orders.
With that out of the way, Hanz decided to review his mental checklist: 'Get back at soldiers,' Check. 'Inspect the barracks,' Check. 'Drill troops on emergency protocols,' He would do that after lunch. 'Prepare for date,' Ah, yes. He had a date after his shift patrolling the city walls. It was with a lovely young lady of noble stock. Her father had been a knight, if he was not mistaken...
Nonetheless, she was a kindred spirit: ambitious and cunning, with just a hint of sadism. Her only real fault was her idealistic tendencies, and that was really just a matter of her being about twelve years his junior. Yes, the two of them would do what was best for Hyrule - by seizing leadership from those fat, lazy aristocrats. No longer would the wealth of the kingdom be held by the upper crust; it would be shared equally among the people!
As he thought, he walked down the east road, past the clustered houses and the dirty alleys, until he had reached his destination. The tall captain looked up at the east gate. As normal, it was slightly ajar. Hanz had always been curious about why they did that, and when he had asked his father, a well-known merchant, about it, he simply mumbled something about negative feedback from players. That was the last time Hanz asked about it, even though it continued to confound him to this very day.
A loud yell shook Hanz from his reverie. A soldier atop the gate was shouting that a pack of bulbin riders was chasing someone towards the city. Slipping into his accustomed tone of voice, Hanz ordered for the gate to be opened and for every available archer to position themselves at the opening. The immense oak doors creaked as they were pulled open, and Hanz could now see what had caused the alarm.
Seven bulbos, each carrying one bulbin archer and one bulbin rider apiece, were chasing a person carrying something wrapped in a yeti hide. They had nearly overtaken the poor sap when Hanz gave the order to fire. The seven archers who had managed to answer his call obliged with much enthusiasm, and in the blink of an eye the flurry of arrows had given the riders enough pause to allow the person to rush through the gate and collapse under his burden.
After ordering for someone to check up on the person, Hanz pulled his visor over his face and drew his longsword. With a yell, he and the archers ran to meet their foes and vanquish them upon the field of battle.
The twanging of bowstrings and the roaring of stampeding bulbos filled her ears. But there was something else... With a start, she remembered running into the city. She now realized that she was hearing the battle-cries of men of Hyrule, and she recognized one voice in particular. 'Twas her beloved Hanz!
With a grunt, Ashei stood up. She looked over her shoulder at the woman bundled up in the yeti hide whom Ashei had been carrying. She had brought the girl to Castle Town; now all she needed to do was take her to the doctor. Ashei looked around to find an indication of where the doctor's office might be. She smiled when she saw that she was right in front of it.
"Now I'll be able to get you some proper help," She told the unresponsive woman.
Hanz quickly surveyed his surroundings. He was just short of twenty yards from the gate. He listened to the hash calls of the vultures circling the bridge just behind him. 'This is a brilliant idea,' he thought, 'To stand in front of the bridge and give the enemy multiple avenues of attack while simultaneously cutting down my own possible escape routes should things come to a tactical retreat. And positioning my archers on the bridge in a single file line was a stroke of genius!'
Hanz would have congratulated himself more, but by that point the remaining bulbins were on top of him, so to speak.
With a great roar, he grabbed the blade of his longsword with one hand while holding onto the hilt with the other hand, and he thrust the point of his sword into the neck of an unfortunate bulbo, before pulling his sword back out and then swinging it in a wide arc, decapitating the beast's riders.
Another bulbin, having fallen off its bulbo, struck Hanz on the shoulder with its club before getting an arrow embedded in its forehead, courtesy of the Hylian archers. Hanz flinched from the force of the blow, but he held his ground and continued to fight, his already blood covered sword describing a continuous path as it cut down bulbin and bulbo alike without pause. This was where Hanz's true skill lie, not in tactics or politics, but in sword fighting.
'I really like swords,' He mused, before he was knocked to the ground and trampled by a riderless bulbo, its porcine squeals piercing the air as it was filled with numerous arrows.
Then, there was blackness.
When Hanz awoke, he was greeted by his lover's smirk and a pounding headache, only the latter of which he noticed.
"Ugh," He groaned inarticulately, "I feel like I was hit by a ton of bricks,"
"More like two tons of pig," Ashei remarked dryly. She wasn't wearing anything, and the curtains were all drawn to give them privacy. "But that doesn't matter right now, because I'm here with your medicine." She cooed seductively.
Lemon lemon lemon.
"My dear," Hanz said after their love-making session was finished and Ashei had put her clothes back on, "You have come to my bedside in my time of need!" He was touched by the thought of such a romantic sentiment.
Ashei scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Eh, not quite... I was actually already visiting someone when they brought you in,"
That piqued Hanz's curiosity. "Who were you visiting?" He inquired.
Ashei averted her gaze nervously before leaning over so her lips were almost touching doppelsoldner's ears. "I'm not sure..." She whispered, "But I think it might be Princess Zelda..."
Hanz's eyes lit up. "This is perfect!" He declared, "If we can turn her to our side... Then nothing will be able to stop us!"
Ashei grinned mischievously. "I think I know a way we can do that,"
Hanz reciprocated her grin. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Yep, we sex her up!"
And, because I just can't let this chapter go by without checking up on Link...
Violent lemon.
"Well, Midna? Do you think you'll ever question me again?" Link hissed into her ear.
"N-no... I won't..." Midna whimpered. 'I'll get you for this, Link...'
"Good, now teleport us to Snowpeak. I have a feeling that important things will happen there," Link said as put his penis away. "And no, you can't wear any clothes except your cloak,"
And Midna activated the spell, and they were whisked away to Snowpeak.
When Link opened his eyes, he had to squint for the sunlight glaring off the snow. Now all they had to do was turn around and intercept Zelda... But before he could do anything, Midna had pushed him full force into Yeta, his face burying itself into the fur covering her large bosom.
"Ooh!" Yeta cooed. "Boy want snoo-snoo! What you think, dear? Give boy snoo-snoo?" She asked her elephantine mate hopefully. She really liked the heroic lad...
"SURE!" Yeto laughed jovially, "MORE MERRIER!" He declared in his booming voice.
And before Link could say a word, the two mammoth hominids had spirited him away to their mansion for much 'snoo-snoo'
"Bye, Link!" Midna taunted once he was out of sight. "Maybe we can do it again when you get over yourself, but until then, I'm off to Hyrule," She had a hunch that someone big was going to happen, and that it was going to start in Castle Town. "Well," She mused to herself, "I'm off to see the princess!"
Soundlessly, she slipped through the twilight portal and headed for the portal outside the west gate, now oblivious to the fact that she was stark-naked.
Well, there's another chapter. I'd make it longer, but I'm busy. Also, doppelsoldner is a German term that referred to soldiers who could wield two-handed swords. Of course, if you want to be technical, Hanz wouldn't be a doppelsoldner since he uses a longsword, which would be a hand-and-a-half sword, but that's just splitting hairs at this point.
And there will be a mention in the next Author's Note of anyone who can tell me what was wrong with Hanz's tactics, or to anyone who can spot the other plot-hole in this chapter, or the Futurama reference.
TTFN!