An Immodest Puppet's Proposal

Chapter 6:

Hello Princess

Well, after much trouble, here is chapter six!

Warning, this is where the story really starts to show its colors as a parody. But don't worry – there will still be plenty of pointless, poorly written lemons. Also, there will be throw-away characters and and plenty of plot holes – just like a real dark harem fic, only it's intentionally funny.

Disclaimer: I don't own much of anything. This is a self indulgent crackfic of a parody, nothing more.

Ashei and Hanz had gotten dressed, and they had walked to the room in which Zelda was being kept. They were just about to enter the aforementioned room when they were stopped by one of the last people they wanted to see – the owner and proprietor of the clinic, who will remain unnamed because the author is a lazy jackass.

"Where do you two think you are going, huh?" The comically short doctor demanded in what he probably considered an intimidating tone of voice, as he glared up at Comrade Hanz and Comrade-ette Ashei through his over sized spectacles.

"We are here to check up on the patient," Ashei said evenly with a flourish of her hand, "We are professionals."

"Ha!" The doctor scoffed, "Mind tricks won't work on me, you jedi, because I'm a senile old fart!" The alcoholic geezer retorted.

Ashei recoiled momentarily, but she quickly rebounded and pulled a bag out of her ass. Or, you know, from her belt. Anyways, she shook the sack, and it made an unmistakable jingling noise.

"I-is that...?" The doctor whispered apprehensively, hardly daring to believe his own ears, and eying the suspicious bag greedily.

"Yep, it's a bag of orange rupees. Of course, I'm such a ditz that I might accidentally misplace it, and you might just happen to find it, and, well, no one would be any the wiser. What do you say?" Ashei asked with a wink and a coy smile.

The white-haired nodded eagerly in understanding. So what if he was being bribed? He was going to accept it, and the Hippocratic Oath could burn in Hell for all he cared. Besides, this would be more than enough money to pay off his various bills and tabs. "Of course!" He exclaimed happily, a complete flip from his just previously dour and serious mood. "What was I thinking?" He shook his head emphatically, hamming it up to a level normally reserved for Shakespearean thespians and teenage girls. "You can go right ahead. I have some other business to attend to, anyways..." He grinned pervertedly as he walked away. He figured he could afford to splurge a little, so he was going to visit one of the many fine houses of ill-repute that thrived in the environment of Castle Town.

Ashei smirked once the lecherous medic was out of sight. By the time the doddering fool realized that he had actually been given worthless crystallized amber, she and her lover would be long-finished with dealing with the princess.

Hanz turned with a grin to his betrothed as he laid his hand on the iron doorknob. It was time to put their Master Plan (tm) into motion.

It was time to seduce the princess.

...

Zelda looked up in surprise when she heard the door to the room open. She quickly pulled her blanket her blanket up over her chest in embarrassment (because it was rather drafty in the room, and she was not wearing any underwear, for some strange reason), but not before Hanz managed to get a good look at her. She was dressed in nothing except for a almost physically impossible, less-than-paper-thin, white dressing gown with a wide collar that was too big for her shoulders and a 'v' neckline that plunged to well below her bellybutton, and yet the garment was also at the same time clearly several, several sizes too small for the fair-skinned, buxom princess.

"What are you doing here, Captain Heineman?" She demanded in an imperious tone, "And who is that woman?" She added, sending an icy glare at the athletically built yet eerily pale young woman with too much makeup on, with whom Hanz seemed to be suspiciously at ease.

"I am merely here to serve my queen," Hanz said sincerely with a bow. He felt that taking over the kingdom would be the best he could ever possibly hope to do for the royal family. "And this woman," He said, indicating Ashei, who improvised a curtsy for Zelda, "Is my intended, who has come to help me please you."

Zelda pouted internally at the news that Hanz was planning to get married. She still had something of an infatuation with him, left over from her childhood – when she had given him her black cherry because it had been the only way she that could make love to him while still maintaining her maidenly virtue. But she was happy, nonetheless, to learn that his wife would at least allow him to lay with another woman. Breathing a sigh of relief, Zelda moved so she was on top of the covers, being sure to give her guests something to rile them up by giving them a good, long look up the scandalously short-hemmed gown at the rosy cheeks of her big, beautiful booty.

When Zelda had finished situating herself, Ashei deftly removed her and Hanz's clothes, before tearing the princess's gown off and attacked her large breasts.

"Ooohhh, Princess, you're much bigger than I!" Ashei purred huskily as she fondled and licked Zelda's bountiful boobs.

"Ahh!" Zelda yelped as Ashei nipped and nibbled on her erect nipples, using her tongue to liberally slather saliva all over them.

Zelda moaned as Hanz massaged her, treating her milky white skin as reverently as a priest might treat the Triforce. She smiled as she felt the soldier's hands working their way down her back. She knew what was coming, and she was going to enjoy it.

She always did.

"Oh dear, your majesty," Hanz cooed lustfully when his wandering hands finally reached their inevitable destination, "But you simply must exercise more – your buttocks are just so large and soft!" He declared with joking conviction.

Ashei smirked mischievously at that. "Well, Princess, it would appear that my betrothed has become rather enamored with your bottom. Perhaps we should purge his body of this adulterous humor?" She jested.

All three of them knew where this was going. Hanz had told his lover many times about how the princess had used to frequently order him to play these kinds of "games" with her, and Zelda had always been particularly fond of role-playing.

Hanz felt his lance harden significantly in anticipation.

"Oh, yes!" Zelda moaned, her lust overriding her sense, "Take me from behind! Make me your bitch!" She was in full role-play mode, and she was playing her favorite game: 'Sacrifice to the Troll-King'. "Feast upon my succulent body!" She pleaded ecstatically.

"Of course, human," Hanz sneered, "Thy nubile flesh shall spoil in my gullet!" He was completely in character.

"Ohhh... Do not eat her, mi lord! Eat me in her stead!" Ashei squealed, not wanting to be left out.

"Thou wilt have thy turn, thou whore!" Hanz growled hungrily.

And without further ado, he pushed Zelda back down onto the bed and prepared for entry.

LEMON!

Zelda looked up at Hanz when it was finished. She was flushed red and panting, and she was still sticky in certain places.

"Well?" Hanz asked, "How was it?"

"It was... Good." Zelda breathed. It was much better than good, but she wasn't about to tell the thirty-something captain that. She didn't want him to get a big head or anything, but he and Ashei were quite a devious team.

Zelda had half a mind to just hand them the kingdom then-and-there. Oh, sure she knew about their little plot – it wasn't like they were very subtle or anything. But bathed in afterglow as she was, she didn't really care. All that mattered at the moment was the fact that Hanz and Ashei were a good lay.

At that moment, Zelda caught the captain looking at her meaningfully. His jaw was firmly set, and his scruffy beard was bristling slightly, as if it had a mind of its own. (Zelda had once mentioned offhandedly that she liked rugged looking men, and Hanz had carefully cultivated his facial hair in order to meet that particular desire of hers. She told him he looked good like that, and he had been sure to keep his beard like that ever since.)

"There are many things I must tell you, princess, and little time in which to tell you them," He finally said after staring at Zelda for a good minute, "Come with me, we must go to my dwelling place – this area is not secure."

'And your house is?' Zelda thought in exasperation, but out loud she said: "Of course, let us go immediately."

And so, the three of them dressed up and headed to the captain's tenement.

...

Midna looked around the corner, peeking out from the alley she was in, cautiously looking for any sign of Zelda's presence. Looking for the AWOL, potentially amnesiac princess was hard enough without having to hide her nakedness. Because even though Midna admittedly wore very little in the way of clothing –even under normal circumstances– there was something about having no clothes on at all that made Midna feel vulnerable.

And she hated feeling vulnerable.

Her musings were interrupted by someone crashing into her from behind.

Midna swore. Whoever had ran into her may not have been going fast, but she (Midna knew it was a girl, because she had felt a small pair of breasts squish into her back upon impact) had managed to snap one of Midna's hastily mended ribs. 'Damn this new Link...' She thought angrily, recalling how cruelly and brutally he had beaten her upon the revelation that Midna hadn't been a virgin...

"Oh my gosh! Are you okay?" A strangely familiar feminine voice asked worriedly.

Midna realized why that voice sounded familiar.

"Illia?"

...

Sorry for taking so long. I had originally intended to make the chapter at least twice as long as this, but I decided that you guys had gone without an update for long enough. Unfortunately, as I am leaving for a family vacation on the second, and won't be back until the twelfth, it will be a while before I post the seventh chapter.

But I at least have a rough outline for how the story is going to go, and it will be at least ten or more chapters long, so there will be plenty more to come.

R&R and TTFN!