Forbidden
Hours passed. Nanami had done anything she could in the house with Rin, including reading her some old scrolls of legends and myths, braiding the girl's hair into an elaborate hairdo, they even went outside to throw snowballs at each other. Jaken remained in the house and would occasionaly shuffle out of his room to get something or check on Rin, grumbling something to himself, and then would crawl back into his room.
It was well past noon, and it would start getting dark within a few minutes. After eating a rice cake she found in the kitchen, Rin was taking a nap on the same fur throw Sesshoumaru slept on, facing the fire. Nanami sat across from her, reading a scroll about the war her father and the demon general fought two centuries ago that she found on one of the shelves. She looked up and set the scroll on the floor, resting her eyes for a moment. -I can leave right now, before he returns... and be done with this conflict.- Nanami realized. She stood up and struggled to decide what to do. She finally decided that it would be better for him and herself to be gone. She grabbed her clothes and sword, put on her coat and boots and stood in front of the door. -He'll find me again.- She glanced back at Rin to make sure she was sleeping, and she was. Nanami opened the door slowly and quickly slipped out of the house, turning toward the door again to close it. She turned back swiftly and started to walk down the snow covered stairs.
"And where will you go?" Sesshoumaru's voice said loudly over the wind's howl. Nanami glanced up in fear, but he wasn't mad at her. He just looked tired and cold.
"Nowhere." Nanami answered quietly. Sesshoumaru stood in place, Ah-un was standing next to him, baskets of food and food wrapped in cloth stacked on his saddle. Sesshoumaru looked at Nanami for a moment to make sure she won't run again, and when she opened the door and put her clothes inside on the floor, he took a basket of meat from the saddle and walked up the stairs. As he passed her, Nanami avoided his eyes and headed down the stairs to Ah-un. She grabbed a small basket with a bag of rice and an even smaller basket of eggs inside, and carried it up into the house. Sesshoumaru walked past her without saying a word. Nanami set the basket down in the kitchen and went back to the genkan. She took off her coat as Sesshoumaru brought in the last and largest of the baskets, full of vegetables and dried foods and let Ah-un go to the back of the house into his stable. Nanami closed the door behind him. She took off her boots and set them in the genkan. She walked out into the main room stood in the center.
Jaken suddenly popped out of his dark cave and rushed to Sesshoumaru.
"Welcome back, milord. Would you like your servant to prepare a supper?" He squealed. Sesshoumaru just nodded once and began to take off his fur pelt. Rin mumbled in her sleep and turned away from the fire.
"Where did you get all that food?" Nanami broke the silence.
"A village... No. I did not kill anyone." Sesshoumaru hung his pelt and took off his boots.
"They are not afraid of you? You are a demon."
Sesshoumaru glanced at Nanami, but did not answer. Nanami seemed less tense around him as she was in the morning, but she was still talking coldly.
"You wanted to talk... So talk." Nanami said quietly and crossed her arms. Sesshoumaru looked at the young woman. He wanted to tell her how much he regretted telling her all he had the night they returned and the day before, but his pride took over again.
"When we are alone..." Was all he managed and went to change. Nanami sighed in annoyance and returned to her scroll reading.
An uncomfortable hour passed until Jaken stuck his head out of the small kitchen and announced supper. Rin woke up and stretched lazily, and sat up. She snatched Sesshoumaru's arm and tugged on it.
"Lord Sesshoumaru, I'm famished! Let's eat!"
Sesshoumaru glanced at Nanami, who refused to look up from her scroll.
"Go on without me, I am not hungry." She lied; she was starving, and he knew it.
"Is that so?"
"I will not sit at the same table with a man who killed me."
"Then none of us will eat until you do."
Nanami let out an irritated growl. "As long as Rin has her dinner, I could care less."
"She will not get her meal until you join us for a civilized dinner." Sesshoumaru negotiated using Rin, holding her arm while she made puppy eyes and pulled on the man's arm. Nanami grumbled a curse under her breath and stood up, stepping close to Sesshoumaru.
"Satisfied?" She said in a low growl. Sesshoumaru just let Rin's arm slip past his fingers and bolt through the kitchen into the banquet hall that Nanami did not even realize was there. Nanami stepped past Sesshoumaru and into the room. A fairly long (about five feet), red oak table stood in the center of the dimly lit room. The walls had very old tapestries and paintings on them, one in particular of Sesshoumaru's father. The table was set with beautiful plates and steaming food. There were several, small vegetable dishes, fried fish and meat, and a few bizzare dishes that Nanami had never seen before, or at least, did not remember seeing. Nanami guessed it was some sort of demon food.
Rin and Jaken sat on the opposite sides of the table, while Nanami and Sesshoumaru sat opposite each other at the ends. Nanami was hungry as a dog, but would not let it show in a hundred years. She sat gracefully and scrutinized the food before retrieving a small portion of vegetables and rice. Rin was stuffing food into her tiny mouth, while Jaken seemed anxious and gulped clear liquid from a brown flask he kept hiding under the table.
"Rin, slow down. You are not in a pig sty." Sesshoumaru said, displaying manners Nanami had not seen a man use in over a 150 years. She had barely touched the food and when she did see that something was safe to eat, she took very small portions and picked at them for a while. All of a sudden, Jaken seemed to succumb to an urge to eat like a wild beast. He shoveled as much as he could into his mouth and ate ferociously. Nanami looked away, frowning in disgust. The cup in Sesshoumaru's hand stopped halfway up to his mouth and he just glared in annoyance at his servant. Jaken kept cramming the food down his throat, crumbs falling to the floor and the table. Then he choked, making odd sounds and sending a half-masticated chunk of rib meat into Nanami's plate. She dropped the chopsticks and glared at her plate in revulsion. Jaken flopped backwards on his back and twitched until his choking fit was over. Rin kept giggling and tried her best to repress that urge to laugh, but it failed. Sesshoumaru closed his eyes for a moment, set down his cup, and braced himself mentally for what was going to come next.
"This is what you call a civilized dinner?" Nanami shot a death glare at Sesshoumaru. "How charming..." She shoved the plate away from herself.
"Get up, Jaken. Bring her a clean plate and remove yourself from this room."
"Inexplicably, I seemed to have lost my appetite." She snapped sarcasticly.
Jaken barely wobbled onto his feet, but tripped, obviously drunk, and launched the rice cake in his hand at Rin.
"Don't throw food at me, Master Jaken!" Rin screetched and threw a mushroom back at Jaken.
"What the hell am I doing here?' Nanami said, frustrated and sank her head into the palms of her hands. Sesshoumaru growled a warning to the imp and the little girl who kept throwing food at each other. His threat didn't work, so he slammed his fist on the table, making all three of them jump, Jaken's reaction delayed about thirty seconds.
"I should have left when I had the chance... I cannot belive how stupid I was in believing that maybe, just maybe you have come to your senses. Why did I come with you?" Nanami stood up and stormed out of the room.
"Jaken, if you don't want to spend the remainder of this storm in the snow, you will clean up this mess. Rin, stop throwing food, finish your meal, and go to sleep." Sesshoumaru commanded and left after Nanami. She was mumbling angrily to herself as she gathered her things. Sesshoumaru stopped in front of her, blocking her way to the genkan.
"Move." She hissed.
" Let's talk."
"Move. Now." She pushed him roughly. Sesshoumaru grabbed her by her wrists, spun her around and pressed her back against his chest, holding her wrists crossed over her chest.
"I will not let you out of here in this weather. It is only getting worse."
"And why in the hell would you give a damn?!" Nanami shouted, trying to break free. Sesshoumaru winced as she started to kick back at his knees and legs. He snarled, lifted her up and carried her to his room. He dropped her on the bed and closed the door behind him.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?! I could have been home by now, not stuck in a nuthouse with a wasted toad, a hyper child and a bipolar demon!" Nanami screamed and launched a pillow at Sesshoumaru. He caught it in his hands and glared at Nanami.
"Why am I really here for, Sesshoumaru?" She hissed. "Or is telling the truth too hard for you? ... I understand, with the disease running through your family, your mother and all..."
Sesshoumaru scowled and threw the pillow back at her. She caught it in her hands and in the time it took her to do so, Sesshoumaru moved infront of her, standing mere inches away from her.
"Отвали, козёл!" She cursed at him in Russian.
"You will be even more furious if I told you."
"You have no clue of how furious I am! How could I not be after all you've done?! After you toyed with me, driven me out of my mind, killed me, cursed me to live a lie for two centuries, killed my finacee, blamed me for everything, and yet you expect me to be fine with it when I'm stuck in the same house with you?!"
"Nanami, I-"
"I don't want to hear it! How do I know if you're lying or telling me the truth?! I never know your true intentions! You always hide yourself under that heartless exterior, not knowing what you want or what is important to you! You have your priorities askew, you know that? Is your image worth more than those who love you?" Nanami pounded her fist at his chest, shouting into his face. "Am I really nothing to you? Was everything you said really a lie? Do you want me dead? Are you sick of my presence? ... Drop the act, Sesshoumaru, at least this one time. There is no one here with us. Tell me the truth before I leave, once and for all. You will lose me forever this time. So the least you could do is tell me the truth."
Sesshoumaru stared at the young woman threatening him. He took a few deep breaths, nervous about telling her the truth.
"You made me weak." He said quietly. "I would never want anyone to harm you... so I distance myself from you, for your own good. You are right. I did not know what I want... I wanted you with me, yet I was afraid that because of you, I'll let my guard down, and put you in danger. My enemies would come after you to get to me. I want you with me, I want you to forgive me, but I know that will never happen. I have done too many wrongs to redeem myself... You're forbidden to me. " Sesshoumaru said in a quiet whisper. Nanami glared at him, tears in her eyes.
"How long are you going to do this to me? How long are you going to fool with my heart? How much longer will you tear it apart and throw it back at me?" Nanami began to cry, presuming this was one of his lies to get her to stay for whatever reason. He was so cruel, so heartless with her just a day ago, now he is saying things that would make any woman's heart melt... unfortunatly Nanami had no heart left to melt. Just shattered pieces that would take years to heal. Sesshoumaru shook his head as tears slid down her cheeks and she fell to her knees on the bed. He kneeled down and placed his hands on her cheeks. She slapped them off, growling "Don't touch me."
"Nanami... I never wanted it to be this way. I was a fool. I let my pride take control of me and blind me. I lost control of myself. I... I wish I could turn back the time and stop myself from doing all I had done to you. From telling you what I never meant, from hurting you and then wanting to break my hands for doing so. I know you will never forgive me for my past mistakes. I just hope you will at least believe what I say, at least for now... I would do anything for a chance to be with you, even if it's for only a few, brief days." Sesshoumaru tried to convince Nanami that what he was saying was true. That he meant every single word of it. But deep down inside, he knew he was fighting a lost battle.
"I can't, Sesshoumaru... I can't." She whimpered quietly, feeling miserable that she could not allow herself to hold him close to her, fearing he will betray her again.
"Then what do I have to do to prove it to you? What do you want me to do? Just say something. Anything."
Nanami just cried harder into her palms, wanting to just dissapear. To be free of the pain and the emptyness.
"I'll do whatever it takes... If you want, I'll silence the thunder... turn day into night... jump off a cliff... poison myself... because if you hate me... I would never forgive myself for all I have done, I would hate myself for even breathing while you're in the slightest bit of pain."
"Promise me... Swear to me... that when the storm is over... you will forget about me and never come after me." Nanami said quietly, her voice shaky. Sesshoumaru didn't want her to leave. He wanted her with him, under his protection but he knew that she had made up her mind. There was no use trying to convince her to stay forever.
"I... promise... but I will never forget you. Not even after I die." Sesshoumaru said sadly. His heart turned inside out, realizing that the only woman he coveted was the one he could never have. Nanami looked up from her plams into his amber eyes, tears streaming down her face. Despite her crying, she had a fierce, cold gaze that pierced the dark room.
"Don't beg for me to come back to you, you know I will never do that. Not you, not I, not anyone on this earth can change that. You're not mine. I'm not yours." Nanami said, feeling as if her blood stopped flowing through her veins. She felt as if she was choking, short of breath, eventhough she wasn't. Sesshoumaru felt as if someone took a dagger and stabbed him relentlessly. He never thought he would ever feel this way. He remembered the first day he saw her, months ago, having no care for who she was, thinking her a helpless, pathetic woman with delusions of him being her enemy, which he turned out to be. Sesshoumaru scorned Naraku for all he had done to Nanami, when it was really him who was slowly killing her.
Sesshoumaru took hold of one of her hands, wrapping both of his around it. Nanami looked at him miserably. He brought her slender hand up to his face and lightly kissed it. Tears began to stream down her face.
"But you let me into your life, into your fate, you forgave me and came after me... then why did you break my heart? Why did you want me to be gone?" She whimpered, slightly pulling her hand back. Sesshoumaru let her hand slip past his fingers and looked into her teary eyes.
"I was afraid of becoming like my father... I was afraid of my weakness destroying me."
"So you destroyed your weakness..."
"I couldn't without ripping myself apart." Sesshoumaru stood up and pulled Nanami up to himself, pressing her close to his body, not wanting to let go. His arms wrapped around her shoulders and waist, yet hers did nothing. Sesshoumaru held her tightly in his embrace, smelling her silky hair, imprinting the scent in his mind. Slowly, Nanami's hands slipped up his strong back to his shoulders and she clutched his shirt.
"I will never forgive you. Never." She whispered into his shoulder.
"I know." His chin rested on her shoulder. Nanami took a deep breath and looked at the empty wall. Her heart was racing as she felt the warmth of Sesshoumaru's body in the cold room. She pushed away slightly and placed both her hands on his neck. She leaned in and her lips brushed his lightly, a shiver running down her spine. Sesshoumaru could not fight off the impulse to kiss her, so he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers, holding her close. Deep inside, he trembled, knowing that she will be gone anyday. He kissed the tears from her eyes, running his fingers through her hair. She mumbled something quietly before kissing him again.
"Don't leave me tonight." She repeated quietly into his ear, wrapping her arms tightly around his shoulders, standing tiptoe and barefoot on the bed. "Just for one night."
Sesshoumaru's hands pressed Nanami closer to himself, wanting to stay like that forever, to listen to her breathe, to indulge in every sacred moment he had with the woman that somehow came back to him after two turmoiled centuries, even when she had no idea who he was. For the first time, Sesshoumaru was baffled by the possibility of crossing paths again in two hundred years and the truth revealing itself.
"I can't lose you again." He whispered and closed his eyes.
"You will... this can't be helped any other way."
"What if it can?"
Suddenly, there was a crash, the door opened, Rin was shreiking and Jaken plummeted to the ground near the door half naked, hiccuping. Rin slammed the door to her room and did not dare come out. Sesshoumaru's eyes shot open. He was furious. -I am going to kill him. -Jaken was cracking up on the floor, chugging the remainder of the sake from his bottle. Then he sat up and looked at Sesshoumaru and Nanami. The woman freed herself from Sesshoumaru's arms and backed up against the doors to the gardens.
"Ooops... wrong-hiccup-room. I see I'm interfe-hiccup, belch-ring... She must be good, eh, Lord Sesshoumaru?" Jaken cackled. Nanami scowled and crossed her arms.
"I personally don't like gaijins, but whatever puts you in the-hiccup-mood... at least she's not human, or half demon." The imp stared into the bottle.
Sesshoumaru was on the brink of turning the frog into fertilizer, his face was vicious, fists clenched, jaw tensed.
"Oooof. Wha-wha-hiccup-what why this room is in me?" Jaken stumbled up to his feet, and scratched his rear end. Nanami frowned. She had seen enough drunk men to last her a lifetime, much less a completely wasted toad. -Why is he drinking so much?-
"There was something -hic- very importent I say had to. But what did -hic- that was?"
"Jaken. You have ten seconds to get out of my sight or you will take a trip to the bottom of the mountain the fast way." Sesshoumaru hissed. Jaken gulped and limped out of the room, dragging the bottle beside him. Nanami picked up the white pillow from the floor and put it on the bed.
"I think your servant has a drinking problem." She murmured quietly.
"That is not the only problem he has." Sesshoumaru replied. There was another crash from the adjacent room and a drunk laugh echoed through the house. Sesshoumaru took a deep breath and rubbed his temples. The sound was followed by bizzare sounds and cursing. Nanami bit her lower lip and pointed to the wall.
"If his trap does not shut right now..."
"He will... If he wants to live." Sesshoumaru growled, and as if he had heard them, Jaken seemed to have calmed down. Sesshoumaru lit the fire in the pit and looked up. Nanami had closed the door and sat down on the bed, watching Sesshoumaru. He kneeled in front of her, his elbows resting on his knees. He took her hand and kissed it gently. Nanami wrapped her fingers around his wrist and pulled him closer to her. She leaned back on the bed, Sesshoumaru with her. His heart pounded loudly as she pulled him closer together, wrapping her arms around his upper back. Sesshoumaru kissed her lips softly, a shiver-like tingle running through him. Nanami's hands slid down his perfect back and slipped under his arms to his firm chest, feeling his heart beat, her breath quick, her skin felt like it was melting. She opened her eyes and embraced him. Sesshoumaru lay down on the bed, the girl in his arms. She put her head on his chest and took a deep breath to calm her heart. Sesshoumaru glanced down at her and ran his fingers through her hair. He remembered the night two hundred years ago, the night before his father died. Sesshoumaru felt as if this was all unreal. Like a dream. He listened to her breathe and fall asleep. -How am I to live without you?- Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and fell asleep as well, hoping he would wake up with Nanami still there.