Heavy angst warning

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And though I would stay with Chuck no matter what the doctor said, the finalization of knowing my Chuck would never come back, would be far too much to handle. . .

Beep Beep Beep. . . the alarm clock blared waking me from my not-so-peaceful sleep.

I smacked the alarm clock snooze button and turned over on my other side, startled when I saw that Chuck wasn't in bed beside of me.

I sat up and got out of the bed.

"Chuck?" I walked down the hallway and was shocked to see Chuck in the living room, sitting motionless on the couch.

"Chuck, are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry." He said nervously.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I couldn't get back to sleep. I couldn't get comfortable in the bed so I came out here so I wouldn't wake you up." He said, leaning back in the chair.

"How long have you been out here?" I asked, sitting beside of him on the couch.

"I don't know. What time is it?"

"Seven o'clock."

"In that case, it's been about an hour." He sighed.

"Chuck, are you sure you're okay?" I put my hand on his knee.

He closed his eyes and sighed again. "It's just. . . I'm really worried about going to the doctor today. And I can't stop worrying about what's gonna happen at the doctors office."

"It's okay, Chuck. Nothing bad is going to happen to you when we go there I promise."

"I know. But, I'm also worried about what the doctor-guy is gonna say. I'm just afraid he'll say that I'm gonna be like this forever. Being like this is really weird."

"Well, for all you know he might say that you're gonna get better soon." I said, trying to cheer Chuck up.

"I hope so." He smiled shyly. "So, when do we have to leave?"

"Well the appointment is in about an hour, so we need to get ready to leave here in a few minutes."

"Okay." Chuck said, standing up and walking to the bedroom.

I had tried not to think about what Dr. Faraday might say today, but Chuck's worry had brought the topic to the front of my mind.

I couldn't bear to let my thoughts be bombarded with worry, so I clung to the hope that Chuck might recover soon. . .

...................................

Chuck had been more upbeat after I had spent the morning with him, but when we got in the busy elevator headed for the top floor of the hospital, he became anxious again.

He nervously tapped his fingers on the side of his leg, and put his hands in and out of his pockets nervously a few times. I was pretty sure I hadn't ever seen Chuck this nervous.

I put my hand on his arm and I took his hand. We laced our fingers together and I looked over at him and mouthed "It's going to be okay."

When the elevator made it to our floor we stepped off together. We sat down and waited until a nurse called us back to an examination room.

Dr. Burke, the psychologist who worked with Dr. Faraday, took Chuck into another room to do some scans on Chuck's brain and when the tests were over, she brought him back to the exam room.

She asked him a few questions, and as he answered she wrote furiously in a manila folder.

When she was done asking him questions, she stood up and walked to the door.

"The doctor will be with you in a moment." She said, leaving us alone in the room.

Chuck's nervous grip on my hand hadn't loosened any since we had stepped off of the elevator.

"Are you sure there won't be any needles?" He asked, looking over at the sharps disposal container that read : Danger Biohazard.

"Chuck, don't worry." I reassured him. "Even if there are needles, I'll be with you the whole time. I won't leave, I promise."

He smiled nervously as Dr. Faraday came in the room.

Chuck looked at the doctor's name tag and his eyes focused in and out for a split second. He exhaled heavily and began panicking. He had flashed on Dr. Faraday.

His breathing rate increased and when Dr. Faraday went to make sure Chuck was okay, his panic increased.

I brought Chuck over to the corner of the room and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Chuck, it's okay. What did you see?" I whispered.

"He-he-he's an NSA agent and I think he killed someone. . . He's not Fulcrum or whatever but he is not just a doctor. " Chuck breathed.

"Chuck I need you to calm down okay? Trust me, everything is going to be alright. He works with Casey." I said, trying to calm Chuck back down.

"Yeah, okay. . . I'm sorry for freaking out about that. These flashes are weird." He mused in a whisper.

"It's okay." I said, holding his hand as we walked back over to the doctor.

"Sorry, he's afraid of doctor's offices." I said to Dr. Faraday, unsure if he had the clearance to know about the Intersect.

"It's fine. Now, let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Faraday. Chuck, we've never met but you know my friend Dr. Burke, right?"

"She is the blond doctor right?"

"Yeah, thats her." He nodded. The doctor sighed and opened up a manila folder.

"I really don't want to drag this out." He said, looking again at the file.

"It has been almost an entire month and we haven't seen any improvement in Chuck's condition. . . "

I really didn't want to hear these next few sentences.

". . . He is perfectly healthy, physically, but there isn't really a way to mend a mental wound." Even the doctor looked like he didn't want to say what was coming next.

"It is beginning to look like it is going to be now or never with Chuck's condition, and from all of the data we've collected. . ." The doctor closed his eyes and forced the next words to come.

". . . .It appears that Chuck isn't going to get better. Unless some miracle happens. And for your sakes I hope a miracle does happen." He said, seemingly upset.

The room was hauntingly silent.

"Are there any questions I can answer for you?" Dr. Faraday asked, closing the folder in his hands.

Both of us, still stunned silent, shook our heads.

"Well then I must go tend to my other patients. . . Know I truly am sorry. I wish I could help." He said regretfully.

He left and we were alone again in the silent room, our fingers still laced together.

We left the hospital and began a silent drive back to echo park.

The deafening silence was too much to bear. . .

"Are you okay?" I asked softly.

"No." He whispered, staring outside of the car window.

The hope of his recovery had been lost, and I couldn't imagine what he felt.

"I'm sorry, Chuck." I whispered my response, sure that if I spoke up I wouldn't be able to fight off tears anymore.

It had been fifteen minutes since we had left the hospital when reality hit hard.

I had lost my Chuck forever. We would never be together the same way as before. Our baby would never have it's father.

The life that we both desired so much, was now unattainable.

The man that I love was gone forever. And even though I love the boy that stands in his place, The void my Chuck's absence left was agonizing.

I pulled into the driveway of the apartment and took the keys out of the ignition. We sat in the silence for a moment longer until Chuck broke the silence.

"I'm sorry too, Sarah." He said, tears escaping from his brown-green eyes. He laid his head on my shoulder and cried.

I put my arm around his shoulder and kissed the top of his head.

"It's okay Chuck. Everything is going to be okay." I said, making my voice as strong as I could get it without breaking down and crying myself.

The last thing he needed was to see me upset.

"But, you guys. . . You and Ellie and Morgan and everyone, You'll never have normal-me ever again." He said.

"Everything is going to be okay." I repeated, though this time I wasn't sure if I was saying that to him or saying it to myself. . .

.................................................

The house was empty when we came inside, but Ellie called asking for updates on what the doctor had said. When I told her what Dr. Faraday had said, I could hear her crying from over the phone.

She said that she would tell Devon and Morgan so I wouldn't have to repeat the story again.

I was extremely thankful for that, because repeating those words again and again seemed to sting a little more every time.

Chuck still didn't say much. It hurt so much to see him this distraught.

I made him macaroni and cheese for dinner, but he didn't eat much.

"Chuck. . . "

He looked up from his nearly full plate. "Mmhmm?"

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I asked the same question he'd asked me nearly every night since he had woke up in the hospital.

"Sure." He said, with a faint hint of a smile.

We walked over to the couch and Chuck asked, "What movie are we gonna watch?" He asked, seemingly trying to put himself in a better mood.

"It's a surprise." I said, walking over to put the mystery disk into the DVD player.

The movie went onto it's menu and Chuck looked over at me, his smile widening just a little.

"Iron Man?" He asked.

"I knew you liked this one." I smiled, putting my hand on his shoulder.

"Thanks Sarah."

"It's my pleasure."

.....................................

When the movie went off Chuck was acting more like the boy I know and love.

He was talking more, and eventually he finished eating.

Around eleven Chuck started dosing off on the couch, so we decided to go to bed. The day had been long and personally I was ready for it to be over.

When were ready, we both got into bed.

Chuck fell asleep quickly and I was grateful that he could get some peace.

I turned on my other side to face his and put my hand on his warm cheek. I ran my fingers through his dark curls, and brushed a stray curl off of his face. The tears I'd been fighting all day finally started to fall as I looked at his beautiful face.

I fell asleep in his arms, but this night was different than any other.

Because I knew that the way he held me in his sleep was just a reaction, and that my Chuck wasn't anywhere to be found.

But even in losing my Chuck, nothing had changed.

I still wasn't going to go back to DC and leave Chuck, and I still loved him just as much, even if he'd never be the same, because this Chuck is my Chuck, and that will never change. . .

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A/N, Don't review yet, and if you do, no flames please.

This chapter is not the end, and if you think it is, you'll really miss out. TRUST ME.

I won't give away anything, but because I don't want to drag this out any further, I've posted chapter 21 too. :D The final chapter. . . Wow, I can't believe it.