"Ahhh," Harry sat up in cold sweat. He looked around the room, the Dursleys weren't there. Calming himself he turned over and tried to sleep, but he couldn't. He didn't want to go back and face the nightmares.
He pulled himself out of bed, making sure to tiptoe as to not wake Ron. Luckily for him, Ron didn't wake up for anything.
He quietly made his way down to the kitchen. As he entered the room he jumped about a foot in the air. He had expected it to be empty, not to see his godfather sitting down with a bottle of firewhiskey.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked as he came over and pulled the bottle away.
"Give it back Harry," Sirius said sounding quite sober, "I diluted it with some water, it's not as strong."
"What are you doing?" Harry asked again, reluctantly handing back the bottle.
"Same thing as you probably, nightmares and couldn't get back to sleep." The old man shrugged.
"You still have nightmares?" Harry asked, "Are they from Azkaban?"
"I stopped having them when I graduated Hogwarts, but they came back in Azkaban. They were less frequent when I was on the run, but being back in this hellhole brought them all back. I'm down here almost every night." He answered.
"Yeah, I get nightmares all the time," Harry sighed as he made himself some hot chocolate.
"About the Dursleys?" Sirius asked, even though he knew the answer.
"Yeah, I don't ever want to go back, but I know I have to. They're just so…" he trailed off, not knowing how to describe his abusive relatives.
"Cruel," Sirius finished for him. "It's not your fault though Harry, just because they're scared of anything they don't understand, doesn't give them an excuse." Sirius told him sternly, he knew that Harry blamed everything on himself, and he didn't want him thinking he had anything to do with why the Dursleys were foul, evil dumbasses.
"You just don't get it Sirius. There are always ways to avoid it. If I just did everything quicker or..."
Sirius cut him off, "Right, that would definitely work," he rolled his eyes. "Do you really think that would stop them from finding another reason do hurt you? There's nothing you can do with people like that."
Sirius' heart ached, he wanted to help Harry, he just didn't know how. How do you convince somebody with such a pure soul that they don't have to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders? Harry deserved to live a normal life, one without the Dursleys or Voldemort or Snape. Sirius added the last name vindictively; he'd never forgive Snape, ever.
Snape had taunted him past his limit. There were some things you just don't say, and reminding Sirius how he was a disappointment to his parents, and that he couldn't do anything right, or how his parents hated him, was one of them. But Snape went there and Sirius retaliated by telling him how to get in the Whomping Willow. It took forever for Remus to forgive him and that was only after Sirius had told him what Snape said and why it bothered him so much.
"Sirius, pretending you know what you're talking about isn't going to help." Harry interrupted Sirius' thought. "You have no idea what this' like, there's a way for me to fix this, I just have to find it."
"Harry, look at me," Sirius said kindly, "The Dursleys are never going to care. They're always going to be horrible bastards."
"No," Harry broke away fiercely, "You don't know what you're talking about!"
"One thing you need to learn now is that when you tell someone they don't know what they're saying you often find out that they do. And oftentimes, you find out more than you want to know." Sirius led Harry forcefully over to the couch in the next room.
"Why do you think my nightmares went away when I turned 17? Why do you think they come back every night when I'm in this house? Why would I hate the place I grew up in so much? I'm trying to tell you the truth that I never realized. The secret yearning to be good enough for someone, even though you never will be, it's all part of this. It's all a part you can't escape."
"When it comes to stuff like this, I know exactly what I'm talking about. I always tried to be good enough for my parents, even when I was sorted into Gryffindor. I had two sides to me, one side wanted to do what I wanted to do, and the other wanted to be perfect. I had to pick, I knew I had to pick and I didn't until my fifth year, I told Snape how to get into the Whomping Willow and after that Remus made my choice for me."
"Why would you try and get him killed?" Harry asked, appalled. He hated Snape as much as the next person, but even he wouldn't want to kill him.
"What would you do if Draco Malfoy came up to you and started taunting you about how your aunt and uncle hated you, about how you could never be good enough for them, and how you were a disappointment? Wouldn't you do something rash like that?" Sirius half-pleaded, he needed Harry to understand why he'd do something like that.
"I guess so," Harry admitted.
"Wow Black, such endearing sentiments," Snape sneered as he too entered the room. "Perhaps I pushed your limits too far that night."
"No really?" Sirius asked sarcastically. But when Harry kicked him in the shin he added, "Maybe sending you into the Willow was too much. I suppose I could've just attacked you, a nice punch would've worked."
"I see you're too childish to repent for old actions Black. I apologized, but you could not." Snape said in his silky voice.
"Repent? Are you kidding me, those words really hurt me." Sirius admitted. It was hard to admit to his old enemy that he had hurt his feelings.
"Hurt the great Sirius Black's feelings? Yeah right," Snape sneered again. "Nothing ever bothered you."
"Are you blind?" Sirius asked. "Everything bothered me; I got good at hiding it though. Every time some Slytherin brought up my parents, especially Regulus, it hurt." He took a deep breath before adding, "I cried at night so many times during my days at Hogwarts it's not even funny." He looked at his lap, not wanting to look up and see Harry or Snape laughing.
"It isn't funny but it is surprising." Snape added, sounding slightly shocked. "Nobody in Slytherin ever suspected, least of all Regulus or Andromeda, and you were closest to them."
"Of course not," Sirius snapped. "Everybody in Slytherin was too busy making sure their own masks were perfect, they never noticed if anybody else's slipped. Slytherins were too busy caring about themselves they'd have never noticed anybody else."
"Even Andromeda?" Snape asked slyly.
"Who's Andromeda?" Harry asked, "Was she like your girlfriend or something Sirius?"
"Eww," Sirius gagged, "She was my favorite cousin, actually, she's Tonks' mom. She's the exception Snape. She was busy trying to survive in Slytherin and hide that she was dating Ted."
"I suppose you have a point," Snape conceded.
"Both of you do," Harry said simply.
The 2 adult men stared at him, "What'd you mean?" they asked simultaneously.
"Well, Sirius took revenge to the extremes, but Professor Snape never should have said those things in the first place."
"I suppose that's true," Snape admitted. "But you never said Black, why did those things bother you so much?"
"I guess because I knew they were true. I was the biggest disappointment in my parent's life and I knew they hated me. It bothered me that it was so obvious to others." Sirius shrugged, he had long since gotten over it.
"I went to talk to Remus and I told him what you said among other things and when I told him that I wanted to please my parents, he laughed at me." Sirius smiled at the memory; of course at the time he'd been offended and almost hurt until Remus explained.
"Lupin laughed at you?" Snape was shocked, "You've got to be kidding me."
"Yeah he told me I was being in idiot to try and make my parents happy when they'd never care about me and they never would really be proud of me. He told me that anything I did I should do for me or something I believed in. He told me I didn't have to put up with anybody's crap. He was right." Sirius finished.
"He always is," Remus smiled as he too entered the room. "But as usual Sirius only tells half the story."
"What's the other half?" Harry asked curiously.
"First we made up because he was really upset, then I called him an idiot, then he plotted to poison Snape, then we dug through his memories, then we went home for break, then he ran away, and lived with the Potters for the next year or so." Remus recited. "I kept telling myself I should've been in Ravenclaw or at least make new friends, but in the end, I was happy I became friends with the slightly insane Sirius Black."
"Such sweet sentimental thoughts," Snape sneered as he rolled his eyes.
"Maybe I should've let Sirius poison you," Remus snapped. "Severus and I will be going back to bed. You two can return to talking."
When Sirius was positive the 2 were gone he continued, "Being their idea of perfect is a. impossible, and b. won't stop them from hitting you. Trust me, I know."
"Did your parents hit you?" Harry asked in a whisper, as though talking about it quietly made it easier to talk about.
"All the time, Regulus was a rat and they were evil dark wizards. Most of the time though my mom didn't even want to touch the 'filthy blood traitor' so she used her wand. Be glad your aunt and uncle don't use magic, the Cruciatus hurts like a bitch." he shuddered at the memories.
"That's illegal," Harry gasped.
"So is child abuse, but that didn't stop them. Besides, what was I going to do? The only thing I did was hex Regulus a couple times and play some small pranks, but that didn't help it just gave me some small moral satisfaction."
"But I can't leave or run away, I have to be there for protection."
"That's a problem, you have to stay there because Voldemort will kill you, and your aunt and uncle won't because they don't want people talking. There's not much I can tell you other than to ignore them. One thing I've noticed is that people will bait you and if you take the bait it makes things worse."
"It's hard not to, all they do is make cracks about my friends and parents, it's hard to ignore them."
"Hell, I know that, I still take bait from Snape when he insults practically anything." Sirius sighed, "I know this is hard advice to take, especially from me, but you have to try to ignore them. Take this from someone who's been there, it's hard but it pays off in the end."
"You said yourself that they'll hit me anyway and that nothing would really make much of a difference." Harry shot back stubbornly.
"Don't twist my words kid," Sirius smiled, Harry was being just as stubborn as he'd been. "I said that being perfect or their idea or it wouldn't help, but there are ways to help yourself. Don't act like I would, it's a bad idea; don't take their bait, and every once in awhile give them the satisfaction of being broken. It works wonders because it makes them feel good about themselves."
"But most importantly, don't believe all the shit they say, you have plenty of friends who love you and your parents were the best kind of people, and if they say you don't have a family, they're wrong."
"But I don't, my mom and dad are dead, and they hardly count." Harry's eyes were swimming with tears. He really hated Voldemort every time he thought about how fucked up his life was because of him.
"You have me, the Weasleys, you know Molly does consider you a son? you have Remus, Dumbledore, Hermione, most of Gryffindor. You have more people who care about you then the Dursleys in all their stupidity can imagine." Sirius reassured Harry.
"Thanks Sirius," Harry smiled.
"Sorry I couldn't really help," Sirius said.
"But you did," Harry ventured, "I know I'm not alone and that I'll always have you. That's good enough for me."
"Thanks Harry," Sirius smiled.
Harry headed up to bed. Sirius watched him leave, his talk with Harry had helped him more than he'd expected it would. He threw the firewhiskey away and headed back to his room.
The next morning Harry was supposed to head back to Hogwarts. Remus stopped him, "This is from Sirius," he smiled knowing what it was.
Harry peered inside the box and smiled when he saw a note: You're more special than they'll ever realize. We all care so much about you, enjoy yourself at Hogwarts and write if you need anything. And I mean anything Harry Potter. Always remember that you're a strong kid, you can take anything anybody throws at you. And below the note were several vials full of potion, I knicked them from Snape, but somehow I don't think he'll mind.
Harry went back to Hogwarts knowing that he had friends and family to fall back on when things got hard and he knew they'd always been there for him. He now knew that he was strong enough to deal with Snape, Malfoy, the pathetic Ministry, and the Dursleys. Things were looking up.
Sirius looked out the window and saw Harry leave. He smiled, he was happy that he'd been able to help his godson. After all, Harry wasn't just practically Molly's son, Harry was his too. And Sirius rarely had nightmares after that. Apparently just talking about something can help.
This is supposed to hold ya'll over until I update my other stories, but don't worry, they're coming soon. I have plenty of time to write because school's out!!!!