*Sorry guys. I had major writer's block. I knew what I wanted to happen but wasn't sure how to get it out… I finally got this written up and I'm pretty satisfied. I hope you enjoy.
Bella POV:
I watched as the greenery of Forks passed by. I was riding in Carlisle's Mercedes heading to their house. I want to be able to call it "home" but it wasn't. Home is where the heart is but I felt like my heart was in a million pieces still so I had no home at the moment. The Cullens' residence would be the place I was staying but not home. Charlie's house wasn't home either. It was too lonely, too sad, and too cold.
We rode in silence to the house. I was in the back behind the passenger seat, Carlisle was driving, and Edward sat shotgun. I was hoping that after I woke up all the pain and despair from the months previous would just vanish since I had Edward and "my family" back but it didn't disappear. It all came back now that I was strong enough to think again. My emotions are everywhere- relieved, sad, angry, hurt, and exhausted.
We pulled up to the giant house. The last time I was here it was my birthday and everything collapsed that day. I slowly stepped out of the car and walked up to the door with Edward and Carlisle walking slowly behind me. I stood in front of the door staring at it like it was going to swallow me up or something. In a way I was scared to walk back in this house but I wasn't sure why.
Edward slowly opened the door for me and I gazed into the house with an uncertainty. I walked into the house and was met by Esme's arms and a kiss to my forehead. It was warm and motherly. It helped to dissipate the uncertainty and fear.
"Where is everyone?" I asked in a hoarse voice looking into Esme's warm eyes.
"They are all out hunting, dear. They wanted to give you some space to get settled in." Esme replied quietly. "Would you like to see your room?" I nodded not knowing what to say.
She led me up the stairs at human speed. I wasn't ready to go super-fast again yet. I was staying in the guest room. I wanted my own space that I could call mine or that I could escape to where no one would bother me. We got to the door and she opened it for me.
Inside the walls were painted a navy blue. There was a huge comfortable-looking bed in the center with the headboard against the wall with a comforter that was various shades of blue. There were bedside tables on each side of the bed and a dresser against one wall. There was a full size mirror hanging on the wall and a huge closet connected to the room. There was a large television sitting on a stand diagonal from the bed and laptop sat on a desk. There was also a big comfy-looking window seat in front of the window wall. You could see the forest and a creek in the distance. It was beautiful. I loved the whole room.
Looking closer you could see more personalized things. I saw pictures of Edward, the Cullens, and me hanging up and stat on the dresser. I also saw Charlie's badge sitting on the bedside table beside the clock. I was pretty sure Alice got some things to make me feel at home. Some of my own clothes hung in my closet along with a whole new wardrobe Alice and Rosalie must have bought for me. In the background my lullaby was coming from the stereo speakers placed around the room.
"It's beautiful Esme. Thank you so much. I could not ask for a better space of my own. Thanks so much." I turned and hugged Esme and Carlisle who was standing behind me watching me take in the room.
"You must be hungry. What would you like to eat?" Esme asked as I made my way to the bed.
"I'm not hungry. I just want to lie down." I climbed into the unbelievably comfortable bed and sheets. It was like lying in clouds.
"Bella, you need to eat. Your body is weak from the injury and you haven't been taking proper care of your body. You need something, even if it's just something small." Carlisle stated firmly with no room for argument. I just nodded. I wasn't hungry but I couldn't argue with him either.
Esme left the room and Carlisle walked over and sat on the edge of the bed next to my lying form. I could feel his eyes on me. He was now my father figure and I could tell that my not eating or letting anyone in yet was hurting him.
"Bella, I know it all hurts. First, we left you and then your father left you. You feel empty and lonely. I know we have to earn your trust back and show you that this family will not turn its back on you again, but you're going to have to let someone in. Talk to someone. If not that loneliness will eat you up inside. I know right now you just want to sleep all the time and with your body so weak it's not a bad thing but you're going to have to open your eyes back to reality and let the world back in." I thought about his words and he was right. I would have to but right now it was easier to just sleep and cry.
"I know." My voice cracked. "It's just too hard to face it all right now. It's too hard to let Edward or any of you back in. I can't feel the hurt again if you decide that I'm better off without you again. Next time I don't think anyone would be able to save me." My eyes were filling with tears again.
"I understand. We're not leaving again though." The door opened and Esme brought me a tray with a bowl of soup, some crackers, and a cup full of Sprite. I sat up in bed and she placed the tray in lap. It looked amazing.
"Where's Edward?" I voiced my curiosities while I began to eat my soup and crackers to my vampire parents who sat watching me with a close eye.
"He joined the rest of them hunting. He wanted to give you some space while you got settled in." Carlisle answered for me.
After eating half a bowl of soup and six crackers and drinking my glass of Sprite, Carlisle and Esme left me to rest. I decided to turn on the television while I lie in my bed. After flipping through show after show finding something that always reminded me of my dad, I turned off the television. I pulled out my paper and started to draw a new picture…
The next couple of days went by. I stayed in my room all the time. Esme would bring me every meal and snacks to me. I was never really hungry but her and Carlisle made me eat. Carlisle claimed that my body needed the nutrients and that my body needed to be on an eating schedule again and that I needed to eat some even if I wasn't hungry.
Everyone left me alone for the most part. Every now and then Alice would bounce in and make sure I was content. Jasper popped in once to apologize about my birthday but I dismissed it. He didn't need to apologize. He's a vampire. They are attracted to blood that runs through my veins. I know that… and I also know that every time I am around them something can happen. I'm okay with that.
Edward has stayed out of my room. I think he regrets me being here. He claimed that he still loved me but he doesn't show it anymore. It hurts even worse to stay here and not see him even though he is in the same house.
I can't find the strength to get out of bed and face reality. Instead I lay here drawing pictures and staring at the ceiling, thinking. I'm not sure I am making the right choice. Maybe I should go back to Charlie's house and pretend that the Cullens never came back. That would make it easier for Edward.
I decided that it would be better for me to just go downstairs and talk to everyone. I needed to find out what I should do and what people think. I left my drawings on my bed and walked to the door. I opened the door and slowly walked down the hall and descended the stairs.
I walked into the living room where Carlisle and Esme were reading, Alice and rose were looking at magazines and painting their finger nails, Jasper and Emmett were watching a baseball game, and Edward was listening to an his iPod. Every head turned to me when I walked into the room.
"Hello, dear. Did you need something?" I shook my head to Esme's kindness. "Are you sure?" I nodded.
"BELLA!!" I got attacked by Alice as she tackled me gently in a tight hug. "It's so great to see you up and moving." Jasper, Emmett, and Edward smiled in my direction.
"I was just lonely. I wanted to get up and see what everyone was up to." I mumbled even though I knew they could hear me perfectly fine. They nodded and I walked across the room and sat next to Edward on the couch. We sat in an awkward silence. I could tell he wanted to ask me something but he wouldn't say it.
"Why'd you do it?" he asked coldly turning towards me. His expression was hard and stern. I was confused and he must have seen it on my face because he decided to elaborate. "I mean the cutting. Why'd you decide to do that to yourself? It doesn't do anything except leave marks on your skin and supposedly helps you feel better… but it's only temporary."
"What do you mean 'why did I do it?'" My blood was beginning to boil. So this is what he wanted to ask. Why I hurt myself after he freaking left me abandoned. "You left me!! You ALL left me!!! You WERE my boyfriend, my BEST friend, and my PARENTAL FIGURES I didn't have!!!!" I yelled looking at all of them. The game had been muted and everyone was staring at me. They must have been waiting for me to snap.
"I was trying to keep you safe, Bella. We're not safe and you know that!" Edward replied looking me straight in the eyes with a glare and authority which just fueled my anger even more.
"YES! I know that!! Thank you very much Edward!!! I am a big girl and I can decide whether or not if I want to be around danger or not!! Walking down the street is dangerous for me! If you're going to try to keep me completely safe forever than why don't you just put me in a damn bubble and then put me in a padded room!!! You were the one that was afraid! You were running from your own fear!!!"
"I just wanted you to lead a normal life!!! I wanted you to move on and find someone else! Forget me!!! Lead a normal human life without dangerous vampires after you and pretend like I never existed!!!" Edward was now yelling and everyone was standing watching it.
"I could NEVER forget you!!! You were the best thing that has ever happened to me and this family is my life!!! I DON'T WANT a 'normal human life'!!! I like the life I was living before you left!!!" I felt angry tears streaming down my face now. I couldn't take much more of this.
"Well, I'm sorry!!! I don't know what else to say! I'm not leaving again!!! What else do you want?!?!"
"What I really want is to go back in time and convince you to stay!!! I want to stop my dad from going to work that day and getting killed!!!! That's WHAT I REALLY WANT! But unless you know some super vamp that can reverse time than you can't help me!!!" I stormed over to the end table, grabbed the keys to the Volvo, and stormed out to the car. I drove off going as fast as I could. I wasn't sure where I was going yet.
Edward POV:
What have I done? I pushed her too far. She wasn't ready for all the arguing. She had just come out of her room. This was not good. What was I suppose to do? I couldn't go after her right now. We would just fight some more. She needed to cool off and so did I. I looked around and everyone was still staring at me but I wasn't listening to their thoughts. I couldn't right now. I was hurting enough with only my thoughts.
"Should we go after her?" Esme asked. Alice shook her head. "What should we do then?"
"Let her have some time to think. She's dealing with the hurt and anger of everything. She just needs to sort through it all. Someone should go talk to her in a while." Carlisle answered in his calm voice. He probably knew this argument was coming.
I ran upstairs and stopped in front of Bella's door. I needed to feel her comfort and to smell her scent. I walked in and sat on her bed. I found pictures sat in a pile on her pillow. I sorted through them. The first was a picture of our whole family. We were all smiling and we were standing in front of the house. Bella was in this picture too. She looked happy for the first time since before left. Under the picture the words "All I Have Left" were written. The second was a picture of me, but I had angel wings and there was bright light behind me. Under were the words "My Hero". The third was a picture of our living room. Everyone was watching television. Carlisle and Esme sat together, Alice sat in Jasper's lap, and Rosalie had her head in Emmett's lap. I was sitting in the corner playing the piano. Under this picture "My Family" was printed.
They were beautiful. I laid there looking at them. Was she accepting the fact that she would live with us? Is this really what she wanted? Or did she want to be left to have her own life? Maybe that would be easier for her.
I heard the door open and my family walked in. They all looked worried and calm at the same time. They all stood there quietly just looking at one another.
"We think maybe someone should talk to her now. I think it has been enough time to get her thoughts together." Carlisle broke the silence. I shook my head.
"I can't speak to her. We will just fight again. I agree that she should talk to someone, but not me. Maybe Alice should talk to her." Alice shook her head. "That wouldn't result well. She doesn't want to talk to me either."
"I'll talk to her." Everyone looked toward the doorway with astonishing looks.
Bella POV:
When I stormed out of the house and stole Edward's Volvo I wasn't sure where I was going, I just drove. I found myself parking outside of the cemetery where Charlie was buried. I opened the door, grabbed Edward's jacket out of the back seat, and ran into his grave, only tripping twice. I laid down on the dirt/grass in front of his grave and cried.
"Dad, I miss you so much. I can't believe you're gone. I just want you back!! Please. I love you and I just don't know what to do anymore. I need some advice. I need to know what to do. Please just tell me what to do." I waited and just sobbed curling up into a ball. I'm not sure how long I laid there but the sun was setting and the clouds began pouring rain, but I didn't care. I couldn't get up. I couldn't leave my dad.
Eventually, I heard someone clear their throat and I turned my head quickly to find Emmett leaning against a tree watching me. He started to walk at human speed over to me.
"Hey Bells. How are you doing?" He asked looking at my red splotchy face and puffy red eyes. "Never mind, that was a stupid question. I wanted to come and talk to you." He walked over and sat on the ground next to me. I had my knees curled up to my chest and my arms around my legs.
"There's nothing to talk about, Emmett." I mumbled with my forehead on top of my knees.
"Sure there is. There is a lot to talk about." Emmett scooted so he was sitting right next to me and he put his muscle-toned arm over my shoulders, pulling me into his side. I was covered with mud and I was sopping wet, but he didn't care.
"We really did leave you to keep you safe, Bella. I know you can't see it and it may seem stupid to you but we didn't want to see you hurt or even worse killed. We already had to endure James' attack and that was hard. After the incident at your birthday Edward just didn't want to see you get hurt and especially by our own family." I looked up into his eyes and they were filled with sadness. I had tears running down my face. I couldn't be mad anymore. "Edward was a wreck after we left. He just sat in his room doing nothing. We had to force him to hunt and he stopped playing the piano or doing anything that he enjoyed. He was completely devastated and he couldn't function. I don't know how much longer he could take it, Bella. We all were sad and it affected all of us greatly. You have made all of our lives better. You were a light in our lives and without you there, it all went dark again. We need you, Bells. Don't give us on us yet. Let us prove that we will stay and be here for you. We want to be your family. We want to be there for you but you need to talk to us." I sniffled and looked back up to Emmett. Now was my time. Tears continued to stream down my cheeks but the rain made it impossible to tell, but I think Emmett knew anyways. He probably could smell them.
"I never gave up on you guys. NEVER. I kept my window open every night. Even in the cold, I would just grab more blankets out of the closet. I just wanted everyone back. I thought that if I kept the window open he would come back, but it never happened. I was nothing after you left. I was a zombie and I pushed everyone away. I couldn't do it, Emmett. It hurt way too much. I started drawing. It helped a lot. Then when it didn't work anymore, I turned to blades. I started cutting myself and it made me feel so much better. It made the physical pain take over the emotional pain and it made me feel alive again." I glanced up and Emmett's expression was filled with concern but also understanding. He tightened his hug on me and I leaned into him more, still crying. "I was alive because of Charlie. I couldn't just leave him here alone. I was all he had left and he was all I had. Charlie and I got into an argument. He was so worried about me and I felt so guilty. He went to Port Angeles to help with some gang activity and I went to the park to get out of the house. That's what he wanted. When I came home, I had a message from the hospital. He had been shot and died. He left me just like everyone else. I had nothing left… He was my last light left in this dark world and when it went out I was in pitch black. I couldn't take the dark or loneliness after that. I had nothing left to live for. That was it. I was going to die and I was okay with it. Then you guys came back. I just don't know how to feel anymore, Emmett."
"Well Bells, you have to follow your heart and your gut. What is it telling you? You said you had nothing left to live for, but we're back now. Are we enough to live for now? Do you still love Edward with everything you have left?" He questioned and all I could do was nod. "Well then we need to get up, get the stolen Volvo back to the house, get you cleaned up, and you need to go reconcile your relationship with Edward. It's not all going to happen in one day or even one week but with time we will show you that we won't leave again and then you can trust us again. How does that sound?"
"Are you sure Edward will want me back after the argument and me stealing his car?" Emmett's booming laughter sounded through the air at that question. "Of course he would. He would want you back no matter what you do. Come on."
Emmett picked me up and carried me back to the car. He put me in the passenger seat and he drove us back to the Cullen mansion. Now was the time to face Edward and the rest of the Cullens but mostly Edward. He parked the car in the garage and I got out and headed into the house. Everyone was sitting in the living room staring at a blank television screen and books, but I heard a familiar sounding lullaby that I hadn't heard in a long time.
I walked into the room and was met by seven pairs of golden eyes but one pair was the warmest. Those were the ones sitting at the piano with the music still playing.
*So what do you think? I have a little more planned and hopefully I can get it written up a little later. Please review and let me know what you think.