A/N: A SUPER-FLYING-TACKLE-POUNCE-HUG-THING-OF-DOOM for NATTYCULLEN my ONLY reviewer. She is AWESOME.

I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE READING THIS; IT HAS THIRTY HITS. IF YOU WON'T REVIEW ME, REVIEW NATTY! SHE ROCKS! -squeals on a reviewhigh-

Ahem...okay. I'm okay now. Back to my seriousness.

DISCLAIMER: I owned an Edward poster. It scared me. I got rid of it.

Jasper POV

Before Alice had her meltdown, I had been reading. After I ascertained that she was all right, I began to read again. I had been reading a lot in the last three or so months; I suppose you could almost call it obsessive. I had a feeling that Carlisle disapproved because I was distancing myself from everyone, even my Alice, but that didn't really matter to me anymore. Nothing much ever did.

I wasn't reading anything even mildly educational. I had gone though a few trashy romance novels (NEVER. AGAIN.) and then I moved on to horror. Embarrassingly enough, I couldn't stomach most of it. Stephen King left me jumpy and nervous for days on end. I had even checked under my bed and in the closet.

I finally found my perfect place in fantasy, sci-fi, and comedy novels. They almost made me feel normal again. I could escape my pain for a while and pretend that so-and-so's happiness was my own. Edward didn't read my mind anymore. I was so full of random plots, bad books, and trivial nonsense that I gave him a migraine, if that was possible.

A stab of severe annoyance cut through my almost constant pain. Someone was ticked off? At who? It didn't matter. My book was reaching a good part and I was eager to get to it.

'"I miscalculated, my friends, I admit it. My curse was deflected by the woman's foolish sacrifice, and it rebounded upon myself. Aaah…pain beyond pain, my friends; nothing could have prepared me for it. I was ripped from my body, I was less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost…but still, I was alive."'

I stopped reading with a sigh and jumped down the hole in the driveway to our therapist's house, trying to ignore what Voldemort had said.

…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…

The fall down the hole was long and tedious. Worst of all, it meant I had to think of what I had just read. 'Pain beyond pain…' '…less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost…'

'…but still, I was alive.'

I could definitely empathize…Pain beyond pain wasn't a new concept for me. I was very much used to it. I had experienced it many times before: with the change, with being bit repeatedly by newborns, killing people, living with Maria. Now was nothing new. Just worse; much, much worse.

I knew the rest was true, too. I was less than a spirit or ghost, but also more. More because I was a vampire, less because I was in so much pain that noting mattered anymore. Nothing mattered at all. But still, I was alive.

My fall ended violently; I reached the end of the tunnel and, having been too wrapped up in my thoughts to pay attention to the yelling, crashed into Rosalie. I knocked her down onto her side and then tripped, falling on top of her. To say that the crash was loud would be an understatement. It was almost as bad as back when my family played baseball on thunder-y days.

So it was no surprise that Edward arrived with Bella right after I crashed, Bella plugging her ears. They didn't crash. I guess I should have jumped with Alice. Everyone else jumped in pairs. Hmm…Alice must think I don't love her anymore. That should probably bother me. But I couldn't care. I couldn't feel worried. It was then that I realized I didn't care if I died here.

There was a hushed giggle from Bella and Emmett said "A-hem!" I realized why much slower than I should have.

'Oh! I should probably get off Rosalie now…'

Edward must have been listening for once; I saw him smirk. I stood up, surprisingly off balance, and Alice pulled Rosalie to her feet.

"Sorry, Rose," I said quietly. "Wasn't paying attention. You okay?"

"I'm fine, it's no big deal," she didn't sound mad at me, though a few months ago this sort of thing would have made her furious.

We went on in silence, and I was almost sure that that was because everyone was involved in his or her own misery. It wasn't just me; I was just the worst. I think it may have showed in my voice…

"Sorry, Rose," I had said. "Wasn't paying attention. You okay?"

I vaguely realized now that I had sounded like part of me had died. Most of me, even. I was quiet and sounded…uncaring. I supposed I was, and that finally bothered me a little. Months ago, I would have been mortified. If I were human, I would have blushed. 'Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Rosalie!" I would have said. "A re you alright? I should have been paying better attention…You aren't hurt, are you? Let me help you up…"

That's how I used to be. Caring, polite, always understanding. I was second only to Carlisle in the advice and understanding department. He just had more experience. But everyone had always gone to either Carlisle or I, sometimes both, when they just needed to talk. And I always helped. I could tell because everyone left feeling much better and I hadn't influenced their emotions. Just listened and reassured.

Suddenly, I felt a tiny twinge of regret slice through my thick cloud of hopelessness. I realized that I missed the person I used to be. Maybe everyone else did, too. I couldn't be sure, but I thought they might.

Emmett never came to me much, but was extremely upset the few times that he did. A fight with Rosalie, an insult from someone that he thought had a ring of truth to it, guilt for something silly, like loosening the screws on a swivel chair. Emmett wasn't overly complicated; he was easy to help and reassure. Edward, not so much.

He was always so worried and nervous that I was sure he would eventually snap in half. Tension rolled off him in waves, making me feel as if we were about to be attacked every minute of everyday.

Most people would never suspect that I had been closer to Edward than anyone else besides Bella. Edward and I knew each other so well that it was funny and a little frightening; he didn't always have to read my mind to know what I was going to do or say and I didn't need empathy to know how he was feeling. Only my Alice had known me better. Well, she used to…

"-think we're lost?" Bella seemed to be asking nervously.

"Yes," Rosalie said promptly. "We are."

"We'll be found by someone in exactly twelve seconds," Alice replied happily. Of course, she just sounded happy.

There was a loud crash and a giggle, and then a door opened from the side of the tunnel. A light shown so brightly that I had to squint. I could just barely see the vampire in front of me.

She was of medium height and skinny like Alice, with long black hair that shimmered in the light of her lantern. Her eyes were neon red.

Muted waves of shock hit me from everywhere. We should have known she wouldn't be a vegetarian, though we were for some reason expecting gold eyes. She either hadn't known we were vegetarian, or had but didn't expect gold eyes.

"You the Cullens?" She asked. I could feel the hyperness, the sheer joy, radiating off her. It was a nice escape from my weakness. "And Bella, of course!"

We nodded numbly and I found myself grinning without meaning to. Bella was smiling tentatively from behind Edward, who was smiling and looking somewhat…well, drunk. Emmett and Alice were bouncing up and down (no clue why, they do that when they're hyper) and even Rosalie was grinning.

With the vampire woman's joy and happiness, I couldn't help but feel almost normal again. I liked her already.

"I'm Selena, the secretary! Hi!" She put emphasis on her welcome with a happy little wave.

My heart sunk to my knees. The happy woman wasn't our therapist.

"Merissa is waiting for you," Selena told us cheerily. "She thought you might be lost and GUESS WHAT she was right, hee-hee! Follow meeeee!!!"

She ran off down the opening and we followed, Edward carrying Bella. We were all desperate to be near her, to have her happiness chase away our inner demons.

But none so much as me.

…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…Forever&Always…

About an hour and a half later, we all sat in the living room of our four-room apartment. The living room was largest, as big as the other three rooms combined. It had a little bit of everything. The other three rooms were all for Bella. They were a bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen. Bella was in the new bedroom now, sleeping.

Everyone else was quietly discussing the events of today. I was pretending to finish Goblet of Fire, but I was actually thinking about today, too. If Selena was so happy that it was contagious to everyone, she must have learned it from the master. Merissa was about five times happier. If that was even possible.

Merissa was nearly identical to Selena, though she was shorter. Her hair was black, too, though shorter than Selena's was. It was also wavier and at times seemed to flash dark blue or purple. I wondered if they were related, though Merissa seemed much younger.

Our first meeting with Merissa was shocking, to say the least…

Everyone ended up doubled over laughing. I was the worst of all of us; I could barely think straight. I even dropped my book. Through my uncontrollable giggles, I managed to wonder if Merissa and Selena were empaths, like me.

It turned out that they weren't. They were just very happy people. It seemed to be a gift of theirs, though not supernatural like mine. All the same, it was powerful.

Merissa was smiling so hugely that the rest of us just couldn't resist smiling back. One thing led to another, and then Edward was actually rolling on the office floor while he laughed. Once we all calmed down, Merissa ran up to each of us in turn and…there was no other way to describe it…tackle hugged us. All except Bella, whom she was much gentler with.

But now we were alone and wouldn't see the happy vampires for a long time. Things darkened and I could feel the pain and numbness set back in. Everyone was in pain, which was making my pain worse. Bella was the only one who wasn't unintentionally hurting me; I could feel only calmness from her dreams.

I glanced down at my book, seeing again what Lord Voldemort said to his Death Eaters in the Muggle graveyard. I definitely understood him when he mentioned pain beyond pain. Sometimes, I hurt so badly that I could never describe it to anyone. I couldn't even make sense of it myself.

I didn't know it was possible before now for anyone to have a pain so vast, so never easing, that it was wordless. I had no release from it; even if I escaped it, my family's pain was always near me. I could not cry. Suddenly, I wished I were human. Then I could cry and forget easier. Breathing would be a relief. My pains wouldn't be so terrible.

Most of all, I could sleep like Bella. I could escape my life for a few precious hours. But I wasn't human, and I couldn't escape. I was a tortured prisoner in my own mind and heart. That's the way it had always been and now it was just more pronounced. And it seemed that that was the way I would stay…

Forever and always.

Wow... I went from silly fluff to angst and misery in nothing flat. This chapter was, after all, intended to be sad. The inspiration for the silly parts came from the fact that I AM OFFICIALLY 16 IN LESS THAN 2 DAYS and I have a chocolate cake...AND COFFEE FLAVOURED ICE CREAM. :P

I got my inspiration for the emoness from my trip to the store toda, and finding that they stopped carrying the brand of jeans I like. I sounded so much like Alice just then :) Depression due to lack of clothes. But really, that isn't the only reason. I was helped by sad music, the fact that, except for the cake and coffee, my 16th isn't going to be any fun at all, and a phone call that made me downright miserable.

Rawr.

-Kacey