Chapter 8

The five of us sat in stony silence for an hour, or a year, possibly a decade; it was just so hard to tell. I could feel the silence killing me. I had to break it, I needed to break it, but I couldn't!

"I'm sorry." I dropped all pretense of authority.

"That's all you have to say. You're sorry." The perfect one said. It took all my self control to not punch her in the face. That and the simple fact that punching her would break every bone in my hand and of course I don't hit girls unless they've tried to kill me first. Oh I hope she tries to kill me!

"Rosalie, please." Esme said trying to throw water on a big pile of gunpowder.

"No, Rosalie is right. Sometimes, sorry, is all you have!" I said looking right at her. "I killed him yes. I regret that I had to, but I fought for my life and I won. That I am not sorry for." I was on the verge of breaking down, I had been hitting raw nerve after raw nerve, since I got here. I've been fighting for long enough. More than anything I never want to have to kill again." I had to fight back tears. By seeing what I had done to decent people, hit a nerve I didn't know existed. "I have to know if he was acting strange lately, maybe something made him do this." I said trying to bring myself back on track.

"The one who would know is Alice. I haven't noticed anything." Carlisle said. Everyone else shook their heads in a silent 'no.'

"I know, and I know what it's like losing someone you love. I am not going to ask her that question now." I over enunciated every syllable of the last sentence to emphasize my intent. There was no way I could go probing around in her life before the wounds even stopped bleeding.

I rose from the chair, gently. "I will not ask her any, any questions about this matter. But, I will talk to her." I left without giving them enough time to say anything. The could have stopped me, but they chose not to. I know the pain, all to well. It's the kind that can completely consume you if you allow it. Even when it's not slowly eating its way through you it's a weight that you can never quite shrug off.

I still heard her quiet sobs coming from the second floor. She'd settled nicely into the depression stage. I found my way around the house well enough, to give myself a wide berth of anything that looked expensive and electronic. No one followed me, no one tried to stop me from trying to talk to Alice. If it was possible I actually felt sorry for a bunch of vampires. I didn't think that would ever happen after I'd seen what they were capable of doing. I eventually found my way down a hall with Edward standing vigil at the doorway.

"How is she?" I asked in complete honesty.

"She's hurting, who wouldn't be?" He replied curtly

I tried to walk past him, but of course he stopped me. I looked him square in the face, carefully avoiding full eye contact, I was almost positive that he didn't have a soul, but I didn't want to risk a soulgaze.

The old saying 'the eyes are the window to the soul' is actually very, very true. When a wizard looks into the eyes of a mortal, or anything with a soul, although there are very few others; he or she creates a portal between the two. The portal allows both parties to see, or sense, everything about the other. I don't like people poking around in my head, so I avoid it at all costs.

"I need to talk to her; I think I might be able to help." I've learned a thing or two about being intimidating. Unfortunately it doesn't work on someone who could break me in half like a rebellious pencil. So I tried for compassion.

"You don't know her; what makes you think you can help." Now he was intimidating, his voice was completely smooth with anger smoldering just underneath; something I couldn't match if I tried. I was still going to try

"You're right, I don't know her. I do; however, know what it's like to lose the one person you love." I continued along the same compassionate line.

"Bella's in there right now. Promise me that you won't do anything to hurt her more." The anger was burning out replaced by pain. Death is something that echoes around the living. One person grieves and everyone around her feels the pain, unless of course they're a complete asshole. Fortunately he doesn't seem to be an asshole

"I swear, I won't ask. Here hold onto this." I said handing him my grey warden's cloak. If I went in there it would be as me, Aaron Marsdon, not Warden Marsdon. Edward begrudgingly took the cloak and stepped aside giving me one final glare as I walked in.

Alice was curled into a tight ball on a couch thing, it probably has a real name, but I don't know a sofa from a settee (I don't even know what a settee is). Bella was sitting next to her gently stroking her hair. There was something so familiar about this scene but I couldn't place it. A dream maybe. I didn't want to disturb it, I thought about turning around and leaving before either knew I was there. I started walking out the door when between sobs Alice said "I don't want to talk to you." Bella then turned and cast a harsh glare my way.

"Ok in that case, I'll talk you listen. Bella could you give us minute?" I said in a very soft voice. I'm not entirely sure where that voice came from.

For the first time since I met her Bella complied.

She stood up and walked out without looking at me. When she got to the door she turned back and said "I'll be right back."

"Alice, I know it's not much comfort but I'm sorry. I know what it feels like, the pain eating away at your chest, and I wish I could tell you that it will go away, but the truth is it won't." I sighed, "I'm the last one you want to talk to, I know, but the only woman I have ever loved is dead." I paused and took a long hitched breath. I've never told anyone about what happened to Katherine. My lips started quivering just thinking about what the next words out of my mouth would be. "And I killed her." I felt the tears streaming down my face; I did my best not to let it into my voice.

"What happened?" Alice choked out. She was desperate to talk about anything but the pain.

"I'd known Katherine almost my entire life; she was the only friend I had when I was a kid, naturally we were very close. It grew from there, by the time we were in high school, I couldn't imagine spending a moment without her, I loved her, and she loved me. The kind of all consuming love that most people only dream of. Everything changed when we were sixteen. Everything. That's when I came into my magic. That's when I learned everything there was to my new life and the unnaturally long life that went along with it. As if that wasn't enough she found out a few months later that her father, who abandoned her and her mother well before she was born, was a faerie I'm not sure what kind of faerie her father was, but I would bet that he wasn't someone strong."

"That made her a changeling, half human and half faerie, she had a choice now, choose to become a fae or choose to become human." The tears were still coming; I took a step towards where Alice still lay in a tight ball. I continued. "I tried to convince her to become completely human, that way we could be together, I made the mistake of telling her that my magic would keep me alive for centuries, but we could be together. She tried to dodge the issue for two years. The longer she went without making a decision the more the fae in her took control. The changes were small at first. Her hair turned silver, not grey, not white, silver." Just the mental picture made the tears come even faster. "Then she got cold, her skin felt like ice. Of course then she became more beautiful, not that she wasn't before, but this was different."

"But, the Winter Fae are notorious for tempting their changelings. They offered her power, wealth, beauty, magic, and immortality. It was more than I could offer her. All I could offer was love. She didn't realize what she was giving up; she thought she was doing this so we could be together for hundreds of years. And I have to say that at that point three or four hundred years didn't seem very long. It didn't work, she changed, she lost her free will, and she lost everything that I had loved about her. She wasn't the same, she was a shell, and I still loved her."

"The queen, Mab, yes like in Shakespeare, thought she could use this as a power play to get me or my mentor Harry to become her knight; her mortal champion. Mab used Katherine to get to me and used me to get to Harry. All the while she whispered to Katherine that I was betraying her, cheating on her, trying to kill her. Anything and everything imaginable she could use she did."

"When Harry and I tried to convince her she'd been lied to, she got angry and told me what I had done to her. That Mab couldn't lie to her; but she could suggest them. Lead her to believe that they were true without giving her an answer. She succumbed to her new power. The girl I loved was gone. That apparently wasn't bad enough. She made me try and choose between the new her or death. I couldn't give up my life, like she did. I owed it to my Katherine to say no. She couldn't believe it in rage she attacked me. I caught her in my arms and held her. There were so many times that I held her, but this was different. I kissed her on last time and whispered 'good bye my love'. Before I took a small steel knife and put it through her heart."

At some point in the story she stopped sobbing and looked at me. "I'm sorry." She said looking at me. Her! Alice was the girl in my dream; the one who had been haunting me for so long was sitting her in front of me, short black hair, and golden eyes. It was her. I pushed it to the back of my mind for now, help her first.

"I didn't tell you the story to make you feel sorry for me. I told you so that you knew at least one person had gone through this. Felt this pain." I stared at her waiting for her to say something. Instead she simply returned my gaze, her warm golden eyes met my cold blue ones.

And then it happened.

There was a swift jerk pulling me intestines first, body second. Then I became aware that I felt dizzy, like when someone goes overboard with the spinner in the tea-cups at Disneyland. Once that dizziness left me I was left with the overwhelming sensation of cold covering every inch of my body. I looked around; I was in the exact same white hallway that was so frequently in my dreams. This was the same dream I'd been having. Except it wasn't a dream…

It was a soulgaze!

As I walked down the hallway the bright white slowly faded into a hazy shade of grey. When I got to the doorway, there was no guardian. Alice simply wasn't there. I passed into the room that frequently held the crying child. This time the walls of the room were spattered in blood. Blood that was too pale to be human, then the distinct sound of sobbing came from everywhere and nowhere. I turned to find Alice in the same dress she always reappeared in. Long, flowing, complete ethereal beauty.

The dress was a shimmering white this time. Or it should have been. It was stained in the same pale blood that covered the walls. Her face was pale and shown signs of pain and melancholy. It; however, was unstained. The blood oozed out of a wound above her left breast. Her walk, no longer graceful, was labored, with a pronounced limp. I rushed to her before she had a chance to fall. My walk was heavy but without pain.

"I gotcha," I said as I caught her in my arms, "You're safe now." She clung to me, holding me tighter, covering me in the same cold pale blood. The blood was surprisingly warm, it should have been as icy cold as her skin; but it wasn't. She trembled in my arms. I could do nothing but hold her closer.

For the first time in this room she spoke to me, "Please, help." Her voice was barely a whisper. It echoed for a moment in the quiet room before it was all over.

I somehow pulled myself back into reality, or rather was pushed back into it. I was still sitting on the couch-thing, next to Alice, still staring into her golden eyes. A soulgaze, I just soulgazed her, Alice has a soul! A vampire with a soul, this was worthy of calling Ripley's!

Oh god what had she seen, her eyes betrayed nothing. It felt like hours later, but a soulgaze only lasts for a few seconds in actual time. She couldn't know what had happened. I could have stopped to explain, or I could have acted on instinct. I chose the latter.

I took her in my arms, and held her close to me; her tears left small water marks on my shirt. I didn't move. It had been far too long since I had been this close to another person. Her coldness was comforting, it reminded me of Katherine. I kissed the top of her head, whispering "I will." I said answering her souls question.

I have no idea how long we sat there, I sure as hell didn't want to pull away, and I hadn't felt like this for far too long. She gently stirred in my arms, and slowly pulled away from me. "If I look you in the eye again, what will happen," she said as she avoided looking directly at me.

"Nothing, a soulgaze only happens once." She looked up at me again. This time I promise I will give up trying to figure out why things happen, from now on I will just go with it. Especially when it involves a beautiful girl in my arms.

"What did I see?" She asked seemingly oblivious to the fact that her love had died earlier today.

"You saw into my soul, when I saw into yours. It's called a soulgaze, it's incredibly powerful." I always liked talking about magic, but right here I actually felt like an expert, not just like a twenty-one year old novice. "I don't want to know what saw, I'm afraid of what's in there."

"What did you see?"

"I saw someone who is hurting and needs help," It was probably for the best that I left the blood covering her out of the explanation.

Sometime during this exchange, or possibly before the soulgaze someone had crept into the room, in fact from the sound of it, two people. "Do you two need a minute, should we come back." Bella of course, she kept her word. Edward was there too, he probably heard something, either out load, or something we thought.

"No. In fact I need to use the phone, and then I should probably leave. I've done enough damage for one day." I gave a big sigh. The thought of leaving someone this emotionally raw upset me. Not to mention, the fact that I haven't let myself get that close to a person in a long time.

"Let me show you where the phone is." Edward offered. I stood up, letting my fingertips linger on Alice before leaving. Bella took my vacated seat, and they started talking soft girl talk that I had no interest in; I had some more interesting tidbits. First and foremost Rose Court Vampires have a soul.

That must be why they can turn against their programming and choose to feed on animals rather than humans. I had to tell Harry as soon as possible. Edward navigated through the giant house, until we reached something that resembled a home office. "Phone's in there." He said pointing through door.

"I never got a chance to apologize to you for what happened."

"I'm not the one the one that needs the apology." He returned in the cold angry voice.

"Who then, I've apologized to everyone else."

"I don't know what you did." He began his smoldering eyes focusing on me, this time I was even more careful to avoid eye contact. "But there is no way that Alice could be feeling better so quickly. You used magic on her."

"Wow Sparkles," He glared at me harder, if that was possible, "for someone who has been around a lot longer than I have, you just don't understand loss. She reached acceptance, yes. Maybe I helped her to get there. Would you honestly want her crying for two weeks? She's not better, I saw her soul; there is no lying there. There was a gaping wound that's going to take more than a story, and a hug it fix."

"Then you didn't use magic?"

"No, in fact if I did, I would be guilty of breaking the third law of magic and I would be put to death."

"Even if the other is a vampire?"

"The presence of a soul changes everything." I said as I walked into the office and picked up the phone.

Eddie-boy just stood there like a deer in a headlight. I must have dropped a bomb, with all that talk about vampires having a soul. My thoughts must have been too jumbled for him to pick that out earlier. Now it was time to drop the same bomb a second time. I picked up the phone, it was small, and really, really, really modern. I hoped that the threshold in this house was strong enough to keep me from frying this thing before I could get two words out.

I punched in Harry's phone number and hoped I could catch him before his next crisis. The phone rang once, twice, thrice, forice (I know that's not a real word, but it's time that there is one word for four times!) On the fifth ring the phone was picked up.

"Murmmph." That was definitely in the top three intelligent greetings I ever got from Harry.

"Harry, it's Aaron, you sound like shit." I too have a way with words.

"Cold and flu," The phone wasn't crackling as much as it normally did, hopefully because of the threshold.

"I have some news; first and foremost Rose Court vampires have a soul!" I thought I heard him cough and snort water, or more likely one of Mac's dark ales. Harry believed that that man's beer cured everything from the common cold to cancer.

"What! Are you serious, how do you know?"

"Slow down Harry don't kill yourself. I went to have a sit down with the coven, or well family that lives in this area. I accidentally soulgazed one of them. I'm positive."

"Have you tried soulgazing any of the others?"

"Hell no, I don't want them poking around my head, any more than I want to poke around theirs. Second and a lot less profound, somehow I got all the transfer papers and transcripts I needed, magically."

"Where did they come from?" He sounded healthier, now, then when he answered the phone.

"I have no idea; I talked about the papers for a while with the 'host father' put air quotes around that for me. Then I reached into my messenger bag and there they were all of them. They were forged perfectly, three different signatures that looked like they came from three distinct people."

"Where did you get the bag?"

"It was the only thing of Katherine's that I still have."

"I'll ask Bob, it could be some sort of residual fae magic, or it's something that she imprinted to help if you need something."

"In other words: 'I'll ask Bob, I have no fucking idea.'" I did say I had a gift for words.

"Ya pretty much."

"Okay, I'd better get off the phone, it's incredibly modern and I don't want to rack up a huge long distance bill."

"Stay safe kid, call if you need anything."

"Don't worry I will. If you need anything," I paused "call Molly." He tried to laugh before hanging the phone up. It took me a minute before I found the 'off' button. C'mon give me a break; I've purposefully avoided new technology for the last three years.

"I'm going to leave now. Tell Bella I'll walk back the same way we came." I said walking past Edward.

"I will."

I showed myself out