Remembering the Forgotten
By: Ellipsis the Great
DISCLAIMER: Kingdom Hearts and everything affiliated with it belongs to SquareEnix and Disney. All I own is the plot…although the original idea came from orangediscord's one-shot 'Left Behind.'
Summary: Sometimes, I thought I was the only person who remembered him…eventual Seiner, other pairings unknown.
Rated: M.
Spoilers: Takes place after Kingdom Hearts II; I dunno how much of the plot will be included.
Warnings: Yaoi and some angst. More warnings later if needed.
Chapter Ten: Metus (fear, dread, anxiety)
"How long before I get in? Before it starts, before I begin? How long before you decide? Before I know what it feels like?…How long do I have to climb, up on the side of this mountain of mine?…every chance that you get is a chance you seize. How long am I gonna stand with my head stuck under the sand?" –Coldplay, 'Speed of Sound'
"Cid? Oi, Cid, where the fuck are you?" I asked. Hayner had gone off to search the surrounding area for the suspiciously absent pilot, leaving me to search the ship.
"I can't find him, Seifer!" Hayner's voice yelled from the entrance to the ship.
"Neither can—holy shit!" I screeched, backpedaling out of the room I had just entering and slamming the door closed behind me.
"What happened? Heartless?" Hayner asked as he hurried to where I was standing.
I shook my head vigorously, eyes wide as I blocked his way into the cabin.
"Then wha—whoa." Hayner blinked as the door opened.
Out tumbled a disheveled but unabashed Cid, shirtless but with hastily pulled on pants. Behind him was an exceedingly pale (and by exceedingly pale, I mean this guy made Riku look black) guy who apparently dressed faster than anyone I'd ever met before, since he had been naked a few short seconds before but was now wearing a multi-belted black outfit covered by a long, slightly ragged red cloak. Though the cloak had a high collar, I could still see the light blush on the man's otherwise colorless cheeks.
"Boys, this is Vincent Valentine, an old…friend." Cid said. "Vincent, the one that walked in on us is Seifer Almasy, and the other one is Hayner Duncan."
Vincent nodded wordlessly, not even bothering to wave at us.
"Erm…hi." Hayner said awkwardly.
"Yeah, hi." I said. "So…um…what're you doing here?"
"Besides Cid." Hayner blurted, then flushed and ducked his head when both men arched an eyebrow at him.
"He needs a ride." Cid said. "And we're gonna have to make a pit stop in Traverse Town for some parts, so I figured we could take him."
"Sure." I said.
"I don't have a problem with it." Hayner said uncertainly, though the glance he cast over the two men told me that he was thinking of several problems. "Sora might, though."
"Sora might what?" The brunette in question asked as he ducked into the ship.
"Cid wants this guy to tag along with us to Traverse Town." I said, jerking a thumb at Vincent.
"Oh. Hi!" Sora said cheerfully. "I'm Sora!"
"Vincent." The stoic man replied.
Sora beamed at him for a moment before looking at Cid. "So are we good to go? Roxas is getting restless."
"Roxas?" Hayner asked. I got the feeling that if he was a cat, his ears would have just perked up.
"I can…feel him, sometimes." Sora said carefully. "But anyhow…we ready to leave?"
"We have to stop in Traverse Town for parts, but we're in the clear to leave this rock." Cid said with a nod.
"Sweet! Let's go!" He said, practically thrumming with excitement.
"Right." Cid nodded, reaching into the room and grabbing his shirt, which he yanked over his head as he made his way to the front of the ship. "Sit the fuck down and buckle your damn seatbelts, ladies, we're outta here!"
We hurried to our seats, readying ourselves for takeoff. Still remembering our last flight all-too-vividly, I clutched the armrests tightly, though I forced my eyes to stay open. Cynical as the thought was, I had subconsciously decided that I didn't want to die with my eyes closed, should we crash during or just after takeoff. Thankfully, my cynicism was completely unfounded, and soon we were sailing through the skies as smoothly as if we had never crashed at all.
"What're you going to Traverse Town for?" Sora asked Vincent once we were in the clear to remove our seatbelts.
"Phone." He said.
"You don't have a phone?" I asked.
"Didn't you just get one?" Cid called back.
"Yuffie got a hold of the number." Vincent explained with a slight grimace.
Cid laughed.
"That's a little harsh." Sora said. "Yuffie's really nice!"
"Exactly." Vincent said.
"He just doesn't like her because she's calls him 'Vinny' and is always sugar high." Cid teased.
Vincent snorted, obviously of the belief that that was enough reason for anyone, but said nothing.
"So, um, you and Cid?" Hayner asked, breaking the silence that fell over us.
"Sometimes." Vincent shrugged, but there was this look in his eyes as he glanced up toward where Cid was that…I don't know how to describe it. The words 'want' and 'desire' are too weak to even begin, but it was something akin to those emotions. I…kind of wished someone would look at me like that.
Not that I'd have ever fucking admitted it.
"Got a problem with that?" Cid asked.
"No, no!" Hayner said hurriedly, holding his hands up defensively. "I just…I've never actually met anyone who's gay before, much less…you know."
I blinked and tried not to be too obvious as I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I had more or less accepted that I was gay, but I had never come out to anyone even if I was fairly sure that Fuu had guessed. I couldn't really come out, back in Twilight Town—not as long as my dad was around. I knew it was irrational to be afraid of what some homophobic drunk thought or would do if he found out, but it was my dad. That sort of thing changes all of the usual rules. And there hadn't been any reason to come out to anyone so far on this little 'adventure.'
"It's not really a big deal." Sora said with a nonchalant shrug.
"I didn't say it was." Hayner said. "I just said I've never met anyone who's gay before."
"And now you have." I said. "So?"
"So, what? It's not like I meant anything by it!" He snapped irritably. "I was just wondering!"
"Why?" Sora asked.
"Because I was curious. Is that a fucking crime?" He asked. "It's not really talked about in Twilight Town—like, at all—so…I haven't really been exposed to any of it. I don't even know how it works."
"You like penis instead of vagina." Cid said bluntly.
"I'm not stupid." He growled. "I meant…I meant the…the mechanics of it."
"Sex." I supplied. "You don't know how gay sex works."
He blushed and shook his head.
"It's the same as hetero sex, except there's lube and a prostate gland and an ass instead of a cooch." Cid said, not at all embarrassed by the subject. "Well, sometimes there's lube in hetero sex, too, but there's more in gay sex."
"Okay, okay, I get it!" Hayner said, his entire face red (if you must know, Sora and I were blushing a little, too). "God…I can't believe we're having this conversation."
"You started it." Sora pointed out.
"I just asked if Cid and Vincent were together! I didn't ask for a friggin' 'birds and the birds' lecture!" Hayner said.
"I think it's 'bees and the bees,' actually." I said helpfully.
"Oh, fuck off." He turned his back on all of us, huffily crossing his arms over his chest.
I chuckled and pulled out the pad of paper I'd filched earlier, sketching him.
"You sure do draw Hayner a lot." Sora said, giving me a curious look.
"He's expressive." I said. "So are you, actually, but you're mostly just ridiculously cheerful and that gets old real fast. I…well, I mostly suck at drawing expressions, and I want to get better."
"Why?" Vincent asked.
"Because I want to do nude art." I said.
"You…what?" Hayner jolted out of his funk.
"I want to draw naked people." I said, frowning at the loss of my model. "And with that sort of stuff you have to be really good at expressions and poses or else it either sucks or looks like something out of a porn mag, which isn't what nude art is about."
"Oh?" Cid sounded amused.
"It's…shit, this is going to sound so fucking stupid out loud." I groaned, tugging agitatedly at my beanie. "Nude art is a study of the body. It's not about sex, really, it's about…raw expression. Like…ah, I can't really explain it. It's like…when you have on clothes, it's easy to get your point across. You can use them to help you show what you're trying to feel. Dark clothes are more melancholy or angry, and bright clothes are happy, and this cut does that and another style shows something else. But with nude art you have to express yourself without the help of any sort of prop, plus you have to work so that people don't think you're drawing porn or whatever. So…" I trailed off, realizing that everyone was staring at me, and ducked my head a little, finishing quickly with, "So you have to be good with expressions and poses."
No one said anything for a moment.
"I can tell you're passionate about it." Cid said finally.
I rolled my shoulders up in a dismissive shrug. "Your passion is flying. Mine's art. We all have something, right? Something we put our heart and soul into?" Inwardly, I winced. Could I have possibly sounded more like some goddamn woman?
At the same time, though, it gave me a little food for thought. Hayner didn't have a soul, right? So could he be passionate about something? Had he been passionate about something before he lost his heart and, consequently, his soul? If I found that, would I find his soul, as well?
"Right." Vincent agreed, directing an almost imperceptible smile at Cid.
Hmm…there was a thought. What if Hayner had been passionate about a person in his past life?
"I think it's pretty cool." Hayner said, giving me a strange look. It was kind of like Vincent's earlier look in that I couldn't tell you exactly what it meant, but completely different in that it didn't have anything to do with desire.
"Yeah. You're lucky to have found something to be passionate about." Sora said. "I…don't know what I'm passionate about, yet."
"What about your friends?" Cid asked. "You seemed passionate about them back when you were looking for them, and now, too."
"Can a person be passionate about more than one thing? Or person?" Sora asked.
Oh, God, could they? Had Hayner?
I looked down at the ring Persephone had given me, tuning out of the conversation. Was this thing going to lead me on some wild goose chase all over the worlds to find the things Hayner used to be passionate about?
And what if it had been a person? Or several persons? Friends? A lover? Would he return to them? Would he…would he leave me alone?
Because that's where I would be, if he left. Alone, I mean.
Someone laughing at me pulled me out of my thoughts, and I found Hayner looking at me.
"You should draw yourself, sometime." Hayner said. "To practice expressions."
I gave him a dry look. "And how, exactly, do you propose I do that? Keep a mirror in front of my face all the time? I'm not Narcissus, lamer."
"Could've fooled me." He said cheekily.
"I'm arrogant, not narcissistic, thank you very much." I said indignantly. "There's a difference."
"And what, pray tell, is that?" He asked.
"An arrogant person is obsessed with their abilities. A narcissistic person is obsessed with their looks." I said. "I know very well that I'm nothing special to look at, but I am also quite sure and proud of the fact that I'm damn good at the things I do well—art and fighting."
"So why had I never seen any art of yours until the contest two days ago?" He asked.
"Two words, chickenwuss: my dad." I said. "I already told you he's an asshole."
"Yeah, so? If you're as passionate about art as you seem to be, why should you let your dad stop you?" He asked. "And you're a good fighter, too, so it's not like you couldn't defend yourself against him at the very least."
"It's different with him, okay?" I said, clenching my teeth together. "I can't…against him, I just…I can't do anything. It's easier to just…pretend I don't paint anymore."
"Since when have you let anyone get in your way before?" He demanded. "You're not a fucking coward, Seifer! Why should one guy—"
"Because he's my dad, alright?" I cut him off. "I don't fucking know why I can't stand up to him. Hell, maybe the only reason I'm not a fucking coward usually is because I'm compensating for not being able to stand up to him. I just don't know, okay? So just fucking drop it."
"But—"
"Have you ever tried standing up to your dad?" I asked. "Seriously, have you? Maybe your dad doesn't care if you break away from whatever 'plan' he has for you, if he has one for you, but my dad does. He expects me to become a professional Struggler or…or to go off and work in a mill or some bullshit like that, and marry some okay looking bitch and have some god awful number of kids." I said. "And even if he wouldn't beat my ass black and blue for doing anything else, how am I supposed to disappoint him by doing something else? Am I just supposed to go up to him and say 'oh, hey dad, sorry but I can't fulfil your dreams of having a successful son because I would rather be a goddamn starving artist. Oh, and by the way, I won't be getting married or any of that bullshit either because, hey, guess what? I'd rather suck cock than go within twenty fucking miles of a cunt.' And then what? Do you expect him to just say, 'oh, sure, Seifer, I don't mind if you ruin my plans of a comfy retirement bouncing grandbabies on my knee! Go ahead and throw your fucking life away! And of course I don't mind if you take it up the ass, because you're my son and I love you.'" I sneered at the very thought. "And then we'll just live happily fucking after? That's not the way the world fucking works, lamer. My dad would rather see me wasting away in a fucking cubicle getting a steady paycheck than doing what I love making fucking pennies. He'd fucking disown me—at the very least—if he knew I'd so much as thought about touching a paintbrush again! And god for-fucking-bid he ever finds out I'm gay, because I can fucking assure you he'd rather see me dead. Hell, he'd prefer to see me in some loveless marriage impregnating the bitch that married me with a goddamn turkey baster than for me to be gay."
Hayner's mouth hung open dumbly.
"And the fact of the matter is: my dad's an abusive fuck already without knowing any of that shit. And I won't…I can't fight back against him because he's my father, and no matter what he does or how wrong I know it is I can't get past that. It's stupid and fucked up and I know that—I do—but I just can't do it. I can't disappoint him and…and crush his dreams for me. And maybe that makes me a coward, or a lamer, or what the fuck ever, but that's the way it damn well is. So please, please, Hayner, tell me what in the hell you think I can do about it, because I don't fucking see anything."
No one said anything, and finally—after turning my fierce glare on each of them in turn—I sighed and leaned back in my chair.
"It doesn't even fucking matter, I guess." I said. "He already knows I paint, by now."
"…Why?" Hayner asked hesitantly.
"Miss Astor said that if I won the contest she'd tell everyone it's my painting. And you saw the other shit that was up. What're the chances that I lost?" I asked, a lump forming in my throat as I buried my head in my hands. "Shit, my dad's gonna crucify me."
"We aren't gonna let him hurt you, Seifer." Sora said soothingly.
I laughed bitterly. "Sure."
"We aren't." Cid insisted. "You might be scared of the drunk fuck, but I sure as hell ain't."
I just grunted, suddenly feeling sick to my stomach.
"There's Traverse Town." Cid said, seeming to realize that I wasn't going to suddenly grow a pair just because they thought they could or would help.
"Let's stay the night." Hayner said. "We're all tired after…after everything, and it's getting kind of late anyhow, so we might as well."
Cid and Sora mumbled their agreement. Vincent, predictably enough, stayed quiet. He was staying in Traverse Town, after all, so he didn't really have any right to agree or disagree. Plus, he was probably hoping we would stay the night, so that he and Cid could…spend it together.
As for me…I was dreading our eventual return to Twilight Town too much to care whether or not it was that day or the next or another week later.
Suddenly, I wished everyone would forget Hayner and I.
End Chapter Ten