Chapter 11

My truck roared out of how hard I was pressing the gas pedal. For once, I wished I had let Edward buy me a new car; I was in need of speed right now!

My truck was going as fast as possible through Fork's streets. I was sure that if Charlie saw how much I was breaking the speed limit, he would have certainly revoked my license. But I didn't care, my mind held only one objective, and it wouldn't stop until I ful-filled it…

I limited my brain to just to drive. I couldn't allowed myself to think about anything else right now, if I did, my heart would cracked so hard, that would make it impossible for me to doing what I was going to do, and would happen what I feared the most. Something I couldn't even put into words, I was too afraid of doing it… There is a saying…that if you say something then something bad happens… and I wasn't risking.

When I was just a few blocks from the house, my heart started beating so fast, I thought it would crush my chest. But I didn't pay attention to it, I kept going, and going…

I parked the car as I could – not too fancy really- and headed out of it. When I saw his car, it was merely parked, as if he was going to do something quickly and leave again…Ouch. The hole in my chest grew even more with that thought…

I breathed deeply taking all the courage I could and started walking to the entrance, when I heard someone talking from the house…. I tried to identify which voice was it, sharpening my weak human ear to the noise. When suddenly I realized it was him talking- no, arguing with Alice.

How strange they didn't come to look for me, they must be so submerged in their discussion… I decided I would listen to what they were saying, so I hided behind the porch.

They were in the living room. Alice's angelic look was torn, and Edward held a severe posture… He looked so decided. Gulp. I tried not to think about it, and just focused on sharpening my ear to hear better…

"Please Edward… You can't do this to us, you can't do this to her!" Alice pleaded to him.

"It's my choice, and I made it." He replied sharply.

"But you have to rethink it! It's not just your choice; you know how devastated she will be!"

"She will get over it… Now she will be devastated but then she will realize that it was the best for her. And besides Alice, you are going to take care of her, alright?" he said with perseverance in his voice.

So he thought that…. He thought that I would get over it and then I would thank him for this? How wrong he was…

"Edward, of course I would take care of her, she is my best friend! And you are going to hurt her so badly that she is going to change for ever. I can't let you do this! She loves you, you know…"

He sighed loudly, as if he was thinking about something… After a minute he proceeded, calmer now, but with a painful tone.

"Alice, Alice…" his voice was cracking " you, more than anyone else, know how much I love her, no- not love her, how much I adore her, how much I need her to keep myself going. She is my everything, the reason to keep me sane. She is my addiction. The only addiction I could never be rehabilitated of—"

"So you don't leave her for Christ sake!" she cut him off, shouting hysterically.

"BUT, I need to. I need to leave, to let her do her life as she pleases. I can't live with the charge of thinking that she is with me because I can't live without her… that she is with me because she makes me happy and I would never find someone to love me, a monster!" He laughed sarcastically at the last word.

Now I couldn't hide anymore. I burst through the door, with red eyes because of the tears that were starting to spill, and shaking legs. HE THOUGHT I THOUGHT THAT ABOUT HIM?!

"What are you saying Edward?!" I choked looking at him with angry and hurt eyes. First his eyes widened unexpected, but then they melted, all the range they held disappear.

"Do you really think that? Do you think I'm with you because I'm the only person that would be with you?!... How can you even think of leaving me? How can you even think I could ever thank you for getting away from my life?! How can you…"

I trailed off, I had to grab a side of the sofa with my hands to support myself; I was feeling really dizzy and shaky. I saw in his eyes, the need to come to me and help me, but he restrained the urge and looked somewhere else, giving me his back.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" He gave a dead look to Alice, and after a few seconds – I believe he was reading her mind – he asked, calmer.

"I see… Alice, would you please leave us alone? I need to talk to her, privately."

"Ok, I will. But please Edward, listen to her. Don't throw away everything you have achieved, listen to what she says and STAY, Edward---"

"Alice! I told you to LEAVE!" he snapped, angrily. I was shocked. Edward never shouted at Alice like that, even when she was a pain in the ass, he had never talked to her like that… He was really disturbed and that surely wasn't a good sign.

"I know you will make the right choice…" she mouthed a bit sad and went out of the living room; that amazing living room that held so many incredible memories in every inch of it. It now felt so cold and dark…

When Alice left, he breathed deeply, and put one hand on his elbow, he stayed like that for a couple of minutes. When I was starting to go insane of this awkward and hysteric silent, he started talking again, slowly. Still not facing me! With that pained tone in his voice.

"Bella… " he sighed, "Bella… I suppose you already know my decision. So please, don't make it even harder than it already is. Please, it's the best for us. Trust me; at least it's the best for you." He tried to say this with a composed voice, but I could perceive it was cracking.

"Ha!" I laughed sarcastically "The best for me? The best for ME?! Do you really think this is the best for me? Taking away the thing I love the most, I care about the most in this whole world? -in this whole universe?" I snapped at him with anguished eyes.

How could I make him know what a horrible mistake he was about to make?! I proceeded, with a securer voice, trying to persuade him to stay.

"Do you think it is the best to take away those eyes that melt my heart or that childish look that make my stomach giggle? Do you think it is the best to take away those kind words that make my mind progress whenever I'm stuck with something?"

He was still giving me his back, but even with that, I could sense the anguish, the pain he was irradiating. And that ached even more… I proceeded without letting him talk; I didn't want to hear those words again. I just wanted him to change his mind, to stay with me forever…

"Do you think taking away your scent, your voice, your touch, yourself, will make me forget you and start a new life as if you never existed? Do you really think you can achieve that?!" I choked.

Now tears were streaming down my face when a million memories passed through my mind, remembering every single time being together… And my heart cracked even more, something I believed was impossible.

I stayed quiet for some minutes, to let my words sink to his mind.

"I don't know… I just hope I can" I think he suddenly mouthed, looking to the floor.

"How can you break a promise like this?!" I shot. The promise… I hadn't thought about it before, he had made it to me… So he had to keep his word…

"What? Which promise are you talking about?" he said with insecure voice. I could see he knew what promise I was talking about, I could see it in his face…

"You know which one… The one you made me after James' incident" He stiffened at the mention, I proceeded ignoring the reaction "You promised you would be with me as long as it made me happy… "

"And as long as it was best for you" he added firmly.

"Oh. And what exactly is better for me than you?"

"I don't know… someone else I guess. Someone that can get old with you, that can give you babies, that isn't with the urge to kill you almost at every second passing by!" he growled, more to himself than to me.

So everything was about that…

"Is this because of what happened with Liam? You think Liam can give me that? We don't know anything about him… How do you know he is better for me than you?!" I snapped angrily. How could he think that?

"I don't… and it isn't because of that—scoundrel," he said disgusted "it's because I want to give you the chance to choose your own fate. I don't want to condemn you to forever with me. I want you to feel free of choosing whoever you want. And with what happened today, I could see maybe you are considering your options, and I don't want to be an obstacle for that… I would prefer it wasn't him though, I really detest him. But if it is your choice I could live with that, as long as you are happy and safe…." He tried to say softly, but I could hear a pinch of uncertainty in his voice… that maybe and just maybe meant I was a little bit closer to fulfill my objective. Well, I wouldn't loose anything in dreaming…

I looked him with regretful eyes…

"Edward HE IS NOTHING, I don't give a toss about him! You are my one and only love forever, how can I make you see that?!... I'm so sorry for what you saw today… " I said while starting to walk toward him "I didn't mean it. Seriously, it wasn't really me. I wasn't thinking—"

"You don't have to apologize about anything… It is your life and you have the right to do what you want" He cut me off. I could see that what he was saying wasn't really what his eyes were thinking. I could see I had hurt him with what happened, and I couldn't be sorrier about it.

How could I make him see that it was beyond me what happened? That it was like a wire plugged off my head and didn't let me think straight?

"I swear you, what I want is you, and only you!" I choked.

By this time I was just a foot from him, with an immense urge I finished the gap between us, and continued with a desperate voice.

"I promise Edward, I promise that if anytime I don't want to be with you anymore, something I find impossible, I will let you know. But please Edward, don't leave me. Please!" I was begging now, on my knees, grabbing both of his hands with mine, and just hoping a miracle happen and he decided to stay with me.

He breathed deeply, staring at me with those amazing eyes he'd got. I couldn't stop thinking of how much I would miss them if they left me…

He finally talked again.

"Bella… please don't beg me. I wouldn't stand you doing that." He said shaking his head and helping me standing up.

"I don't mind begging if what I get is you forever! P-please, E-E-d-dward" I tried to say between sobs "P-please, I LOVE YOU, p-please don't leave me. Please don't!" I choked, crying as I never thought I could.

"Shh, Bella breathe!..." he demanded putting his finger on my lips. Oh, his touch was like an electroshock over my skin.

I obeyed taking a deep breath.

"Don't cry my love. I can't stand being the one to make you hurt like this. Please don't cry…" he cried with anguish eyes, stroking slightly my reddish and wet cheek.

"I'll stop crying if you tell me you are not leaving…." I whispered, too devastated to talk loudly.

He stared at my eyes, for what seemed like an eternity. With uncertainty, deliberating, debating inside of what would it be the best for me…

Now his face was just inches from mine, his delicious scent intoxicating me, making me even more addicted to it, to his mouth….

"OK" He finally mouthed, bringing me to life again. "I won't leave, I won't leave now because I don't want to make you miserable, and because I know I wouldn't be able to stay away from you---"

I didn't even let him finish the sentence, I just kissed him fiercely. With all my strength, with all my craved... I was so happy, I couldn't stop grinning, tears were streaming again but these ones were of joy. I was so grateful he was staying with me…

I stroked every cell of his face, memorizing it with my hands, felt every one of his touch, saving them in my heart, enjoying him with all my will just in case he some day decided, something I couldn't think about it rationally, to leave for sure…

He kissed me too, making very sure that every inch of his mouth was touching mine, and that every cell of his cold and yet warm hands were touching my body, gently, sweetly.

Suddenly he stopped for a second; he just went some inches away from my lips, to talk, well tried to talk, at least, "I-I promise I will stay with you, but just as long as it's the best for you…" he breathed hard.

"You know that means for ever" I giggled.

"I don't… But I hope so" he grinned, and requested my mouth again.

And we stayed like that for what it seemed like an eternity, kissing, touching, feeling each other… Smiling at our personal heaven that was restored once again and in need of so much care right now…

When suddenly in the same moment, Edward stiffened and made a low growl, and Alice shrieked.

I urged to him, grabbing his face with both of my hands, panicked.

"Edward, Edward what's wrong?" I shouted worried.

"It's…. It's Victoria."