Helloooo! First of all, thanks for everyone's kind reviews – it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside knowing you guys are liking the story so far!! Oh, and for you guys who wanted to know, let me tell you that ALL mysteries and questions left hanging in the previous chapter or so WILL be answered all in due time!! Patience, darlings, patience :P
Disclaimer: (Gosh I'm getting sick of writing these!!) I do not own Alice in Wonderland or any of it's characters. There.
On with the story!!
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There are many definitions of love. To list them all at this very moment would be close to impossible, let alone time-consuming. Scholars, poets and some of the greatest minds this world has ever seen have employed numerous lifetimes to establish a common world-acknowledged meaning for the infamous burning. Their success has been limited, if nothing at all.
In short, the definition of the term is completely up to personal interpretation, as the feeling and meaning varies from person to person. And just as you and I may claim to be in love at some stage or another, so did the Hatter, who believed himself to be quite sincere. Whether he was or not, one could not say.
Regardless of all previous skepticism, love was the name the Hatter had provided for this new sensation he found himself drowning in on a daily basis. Idle hours out of doors, even idle hours indoors were too often spent gazing out at nothing in particular (if not a certain someone happened to be near, then his gaze would evolve into a rather disturbing stare). He spent much of his time in silence, as if in a thoughtful reverie – although, truth be told, he did this mainly because it was what he had seen often done when one was supposed to be in love. Had it not been for the endless propaganda of love-sick couples in their pensive, romantic attitudes, the Hatter would have had no idea how he should behave in his state. But thanks to the study he performed on this subject, the Hatter fancied himself the perfect example of a man in love.
Or so he thought.
His confidence was shattered continually by Alice's standoffish attitude, which was more often than not nothing but pure indifference or ignorance to his secret wishes. Still, he did not give up. Just like a true pilgrim, he continued at a steady pace to entertain these feelings toward her with the confidence that she will (whether willingly or not) accept him in time. It was all in good time. The Hatter grinned to himself momentarily.
"What on earth are you grinning about now?" The soprano voice that belonged to no other but Alice rang into his consciousness, interrupting his fanciful plans for her that unfortunately for her, she knew absolutely nothing about. Perhaps if she had, she would have felt inclined to back away very slowly, and hope never to encounter the madman again.
Her forceful, plain question brought him back to reality – a little grudgingly – and back to the bushy, overgrown wilderness they had been wandering around in for the past two hours. He remembered the mud sticking to the bottom of his shoe; ah, yes – reality. How wonderful. It took him a while to calculate his answer.
"I am grinning over the fact that we have been wandering through this bushy, overgrown wilderness for the past two hours, without a single clue as to where we are going, and that my feet are now growing blisters on top of my blisters, and that we haven't even found what we are looking for. Come to think of it, I'm not sure you even know what you are looking for. I don't even know what your looking for. But what you are looking for may know that you are looking for it...can we stop now? My feet have swollen into...into...well, something that swells up really big and fat."
Alice frowned. "A simple 'because' would have sufficed."
The Hatter bent down to nurse his swollen feet in a dejected matter, making Alice pause for a moment to wait for him impatiently. His voice turned into an unpleasant whine. "Alice...can we stop yet? I haven't been this tired since....yesterday, when I couldn't sleep."
"And why couldn't you sleep?"
The Hatter thought yet again before answering, his tongue forming a bulge on his right cheek as he weighed his options. To claim he had been up all night thinking of her would be quite romantic indeed, but it was not true. The truth was that he had been up all night wondering how the flowers in his garden still managed to grow through all the weeds his usually watered, and whether it really mattered. The question was debatable. Torn between the truth and the lie, he choose to ignore the question all together and fire one of his own.
"Are we stopping yet?"
Alice sighed, finding it impossible to drag the expedition out any further with the Hatter in such an annoying, yet strangely pitiful state. He seemed so quiet and observant nowadays, a transformation that unnerved her slightly. She did not trust the new thoughtful Hatter, whose wandering eyes always seemed to find her, no matter where or how well she thought she could hide.
They stopped just short of another clearing, and leaned against a grand tree that seemed to have been there for centuries; dust gathering on it's trunk. The Hatter slumped down with a grateful cry of relief, while Alice leaned back, twisting her hands together as she did when she was nervous, wondering how she could ever make this plan work.
"I'm sorry I dragged you out all this way," she said, her hands still twisting, "I don't know what I was thinking. Well, actually, I do know what I was thinking; I thought she would be here – somewhere – it just felt like I could find her here, you know – it felt like she should be here."
"The Queen?" The Hatter asked lazily.
"No," Alice sighed impatiently, feeling embarrassed and annoyed at the same time. She had explained this to him before; obviously he hadn't been listening to her, but was on another one of his gazing sessions. "The old woman who keeps, well, trying to kill me. We were looking for her – or some sign of her, remember?"
"That's just silly. Why would you hunt down her?" He sighed with his eyes closed. He held up one finger in the air as he said it, as if it were the only part of his body that could move.
"Would you rather she hunt down me?"
"No!" The Hatter's eyes flipped open, shock and horror crossing his features, "how could you ever suggest I could wish for such a thing to happen to you?" He stared up at her defiantly, as if challenging her to claim otherwise.
"It was a rhetorical question."
"A question is always a question; no matter how 'rhetorical' you think you can make it!"
Alice sighed heavily, already prepared to give up on this days counter-productive expedition and the man sitting at her feet. To be honest, she was beginning to feel a little drowsy as well, and was in no mood to play any more of the Hatter's silly mind games.
"It was just that-," Alice began, feeling that she must be allowed to defend her plans. She still felt a strong gut instinct churn inside of her, as if she had been right all the long, and she must not allow this over-grown brat to undermine her instincts. "That I felt it would be like, well, like that woman would be a means to the end. Like she could be the beginning of the spiral – and we might be able to win this fight after all. I just kept thinking she is worth more to us than she would like us to believe-" Alice was cut short by an approving voice on the other side of the gigantic tree.
"Your right – you're absolutely right."
Alice stopped short, her hand flying to her throat as she stared down at the Hatter.
"Did you just say something?" Alice asked hopefully, praying that it had been him.
"Me? No, then again I do talk to myself quite a bit...no..." He looked back up at her, puzzled.
"Oh no," Alice breathed.
"Oh yes," the voice behind the tree chirped happily.
"I knew it, I just knew it," Alice sighed to herself, resigned in both fear and humorless irony.
"Oh yes, my dear, you knew it," the voice's owner stepped around the tree, forcing Alice and the Hatter to come face to face with what they had been searching for, though their hunt had taken an unfortunate reversal of roles.
"Hide and go seek," the old woman grinned at them.
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Alice's first instinct was to run, but she thought better of it. She had come this far to find this woman, and now here she was; found, thought Alice felt more like the mouse in the cat's paws than the cat.
The Hatter, too, had his own survival instincts pushing against his mind, although they had been quite different than Alice's. His arms and legs readied themselves; as if he were about to pounce onto the old woman's head; tackling her, in what was in his mind, a heroic act. To anyone else, he would have looked like an idiot as he stood there, leaning slightly toward the woman in a 'threatening' stance.
The three of them stood there like that for quite some time, neither the Hatter or Alice quite sure of what to do, and the old woman enjoying the spectacle of her confused companions. They stood in a loose circle – or triangle – each one waiting for the other to speak, or act. The Hatter briefly considered pointing out the awkwardness of the situation to them all, though disregarded it as promptly as it came into his head, seeing that the fact was already quite obvious.
"Well," the old woman cooed at Alice, having eyes only for the girl. This seemed odd to Alice, who was aware of the Hatter's close presence at her side. Wasn't it obvious to the woman, she thought, couldn't she see it would have been best to conquer the Hatter first, then turn on Alice, who would have then be defenseless? Alice chastised herself for such thoughts, reminding herself she should be working out her own game plan, not her enemy's.
"Well," Alice said somewhat uncomfortably back, not sure why this woman was bothering with meaningless banter.
"I do believe this is the first time I have had the honor of having a proper two-way conversation with you Alice, I must say I find it all quite refreshing," she said smiling. There was something in the old woman's voice that sounded so...old. But that was not the curious thing about that voice, Alice realized after a second, perhaps it was where had she heard that voice before?
"I don't believe you have given her a real chance for any sort of chat. From what I've heard, you seem to enjoy knocking my friend out cold every time you meet. Bloomin' hell – even I know that's not how you introduce yourself," the Hatter shot at the old woman, his voice fiery.
The old woman now just seemed to notice his presence, and gave him a small, patronizing smile.
"The Mad Hatter here, too? How lovely. And how are you Hatter? Still mad, I see."
"People like me don't change," he retorted, his voice seething with a hatred Alice hadn't thought him capable of, "and from what I've heard, neither do people like yourself. So why don't you get on with what your here for? Go on; try to kill her. I'll warn you, though, I'm not going to let you get so close as an inch to even lay a finger on her."
The old woman seemed to find this slightly amusing, in a grim sort of way. Her already thin, withering lips pressed into an even thinner line, and her eyes turned dark.
"You think I mean to kill Alice - Alice?" She asked incredulously.
His eyes narrowed into slits. "I know you do."
"Then you truly are mad," she told him calmly. There it was again – the familiarity in the voice.
"Uh," Alice wavered, "what do you mean you don't mean to kill me?"
"Alice," Hatter warned her, "don't listen to this woman. She is not to be trusted."
"I am not? So does that make you the only one she can trust? Now be sensible, Hatter, I know you better than you think," the old woman warned him in return. "Consider, Alice," she now turned to the object of her speech, watching Alice with steady gray eyes, "have I killed you? I have harmed you – perhaps, but I do not take your life. Will you truly believe this madman, who lies to you so readily everyday-"
"I do not!" The Hatter cut her off angrily.
She ignored him, and continued to watch Alice carefully as every word she spoke sunk in.
"-and every night. Do you know him so well as you think you do? Or do you know him as well as he wishes you to? Trust me, Alice. I will not take your life – if anything, I am saving your life. Remember that Alice, you are indebted to me for saving your life in the past, and for the saving of your life I will perform for you in the future. Remember it, Alice, don't you dare forget it."
And with that, she whisked out yet another flask, holding the green mist that haunted Alice's dreams, opening it and releasing it's contents into the air in Alice's direction.
"No! Not again!" The Hatter cried out, prepared to knock a dazed Alice out of the way.
The old woman bounded toward him, pushing him away from Alice and the mist with a strength he had not anticipated. She pinned him against a tree, her frail hands clipping his broad shoulders to the bark, as she began to whisper harshly to him.
"Now listen to me, Hatter," she pinned him down harder when he protested, making him cringe in pain, "I said listen. Leave her be. You will not be saving her life if you 'save' her from this disease I have unleashed on her – you will be dooming her. I am the one keeping her alive here, not you. I am the one who has been protecting her all this time, not you. And I am the one telling you that you must let this happen. I will also tell you to stay away from her. Starting from now, you must keep your distance. Trust me, it will be for your own good."
"What do you mean," the Hatter growled at her, "keep my distance? What are you implying?"
In reply the woman pinned him down harder again, making his teeth clench in pain.
"I mean for you to stop being with her. Stop 'helping' her. Stop talking to her. Stop seeing her. Stop watching her. Stop thinking about her. Just stop. The Mad Hatter and Alice do not exist. They do not belong. They are the magnets that don't attract. The closer one tries to move, the further back the other one glides. Do you see? What makes you think an insane, delusional, crazed madman like yourself will ever be enough for the future Queen?"
"What?" He asked, startled.
"Just take my advice, won't you?" She did not wait for him to respond, but drifted out of view, past Alice's slumped body. Her slumped body – yet again.
"Hare will not be impressed," he grumbled half at Alice's unconscious body, and half to himself. "Oh, Alice, how do you manage to do it?" Honestly, it was exasperating how Alice always seemed to find herself like this.
He bent down on one knee, casting his shadow over her, his shoulders still aching as he gently maneuvered his hands under her nimble back. Slowly and cautiously – terrified that she may wake up and demand to be put down – he lifted her off the ground and into his arms, a not so entirely unpleasant thrill crawling up his spine as he did so. There was something so wonderfully daring about holding Alice, he thought to himself as he began to trek the way home, it was like being given a priceless treasure, one that had been marveled at for centuries for it's beauty and rareness, and being allowed to hold it, to touch it, to treasure it against one's chest. It gave the Hatter pleasant feelings that traveled right through his body.
The girl in his arms did not stir, no, she only seemed to fit perfectly against his upper body as he cradled her. Her unconscious face was sickly though; the green mist giving it's own sheen over her skin in a way that terrified the Hatter. What if she did not make it, and was only destined to die in his arms without him even being given the chance to tell her of the pleasant feelings that arouse in his chest every time he saw her, or the way he had memorized the pattern her hair fell from the crown of her head. Anxious, he held her closer, no longer shy toward the respectable distance he should provide her with. Instead, he clutched her to him, making themselves into one flesh. Thinking of her life and death, her love and hatred, he considered if there would ever be a way that he may make their future bearable.
"Did I not tell you to leave her be?" A dreadfully familiar voice shrieked from behind him. He ignored it though, and pressed on with the girl in his arms, moving steadily further and further away from the old voice and it's horrible protests. He would not leave her be. No one could make him leave her side. Not even Alice herself could convince him otherwise.
If her life should end now, thanks to that treacherous old hag, the Hatter promised himself he would tell her everything – all the 'lies' that old woman had accused him of telling her – even if it would be said in a whisper to her lifeless face. The thought made the Hatter ache from a place inside his body, though he could not identify where, it was so new to him, so fresh, he wondered why it had never ached in such a way before.
He was still trekking through the bush, cursing Alice in his mind for making his had-been-life of tea and hats so darn complicated, when there was movement in his arms. Alice stirred, and to his supreme amazement her eyes flicked open, and blue met him with such a new joy like he had never felt before. She was alive!
"Alice!" He cried, his bright face beaming down at her.
"Hat-Hatter? What the-" she quickly realized why she had felt like she had been swaying so, and made a sharp jolt that caused her to fall from his arms and onto the bushy undergrowth of the trees.
"Darn it!" He fumbled to her, quite willing to pick her up again, only to be rejected with a firm hand.
"I'm fine," she told him sternly, "no need for that."
The Hatter made a face. Not only had this girl caused so much havoc on his life – but she was utterly stubborn, too. Would she ever let him have his way, just the once?
"Gosh, Alice," he admonished to her without thinking, "I though you were going to die. I promised myself – never mind," he added quickly, hoping she wouldn't pick up on his small slip.
"You had promised yourself what?" She asked, her curiosity picking up. The Hatter seemed so embarrassed, it was hard not to try to wheedle it out of him. Besides, what did he, of all people, need to be ashamed of? Alice supposed he must have broken one of the Hare's favorite teapots.
"Well – I...uh...it's nothing, really."
"Tell me, Hatter," Alice ordered him, then seeing that that didn't work, tried her voice in a far softer, coaxing tone, "please, Hatter. Won't you tell me? Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not that bad. Whatever you have to say, I will hear it."
The Hatter stared at her for a long moment, his heart pounding in his chest as a sudden wave of confidence washed over him. The way she was looking at him, her blue eyes warming over his face like the sun, the way her pink lips were speaking to him in that soft, melodic voice; perhaps there was a chance she cared for him. He took a risk.
Tentatively, yet boldly; scared, yet confident, he allowed his fingers to brush up against a rosy cheek, letting them dance rhythmically along the skin as he marveled at the smoothness and the heat that was drifting from it; getting warmer and warmer as her blush reddened his fingertips right through to the tip of his nose. His fingers drifted up to her small ear, where he allowed himself to tuck a few loose, golden strands gently behind it. He moved closer, his other hand reaching up to the back of her head, his arms closing in around her neck and shoulders.
Then he felt her hands.
Against his chest, the heated palms were placed. He marveled at how wonderful it felt to have her hands touch him, they weren't just any hands, no; they were her hands. The girl, the woman, she was there; in his arms. Her hands against his chest, her hands. Had he ever dreamt it possible? Perhaps one too many times, though it didn't matter what his dreams had been; for now they were no longer the fascinations of his imagination, but reality. Pure reality.
And then her hands pushed him against his chest; angrily, forcefully.
She was pushing him away. Like a magnet that could not be attracted.
His reality shattered.
He let his arms drop reluctantly, then took a step back. Just a small step; more of an inch than anything. Their noses still almost touched. She looked up into his face, her mouth curved down into a snarl, her voice dripping with outrage and disgust. She hated him, she truly did hate him.
"If you ever, ever, ever presume to touch me again like that I will guarantee you that you will not live to see the following morning. Do you understand?"
"No."
"No?!" She cried incredulously.
"No; I do not understand," he told her.
She stared at him, wondering if he would ever comprehend. "What do you mean? How can you not understand? Are you really that mad?"
"I don't understand. That's all there is to it, really."
Alice seethed on the borderline of pure rage. "Well, allow me to help you understand, okay? I am engaged. I am an engaged woman. I am getting married. Do you know what that means? That means I will not be staying here, but will be leaving soon to marry a man. Not a madman. A man. There is a huge difference, I assure you. I have a family. I have a life. I have a man waiting for me. The only thing I don't have is the patience to play these stupid little games with you!"
"Stupid little games? Stupid little games? What game do you think I'm indulging you with?" The Hatter demanded.
"I have no idea, but I doubt you know for yourself what your getting into."
"The only thing I know is that I love you," he told her. That was it. He told her.
The silly saying that prophecies 'the truth will set you free' is not quite true at all. Having said the truth the Hatter felt far from free; he felt awful and awkward and slightly embarrassed, wishing he had just kept his big, fat mouth shut.
"What makes you think you can just – What?" She rocked back on her heels, feeling as though she had been slapped rather than handed a bunch of roses.
"I love you," there it was again; he was surprised at how easily it rolled off his tongue.
Alice shook her head, trying to make sense of it. He loved her? Impossible. She knew that for a fact.
"You have no idea what your talking about," she reasoned with him, trying desperately to make him take back the infamous statement. She, too felt embarrassment take over, not quite sure as to what to do or say. She could run away from him, though it would be horribly impolite, but then again, he was not acting as the prime example of etiquette himself, really.
Her unsure comment flipped him, casting his mood in a full circle in a brilliant display of his neurotic mood swings. "Are you denying my love for you?" He asked her angrily.
Alice jumped back, desperate to help him find reason. "I'm just saying that – uh, your definition of love may be quite different to mine," she tried to reason with him again, hoping he might calm down and halt on the path to his anger.
"How dare you, you, you brat! I just tell you what should have been the best thing in your life and you're determined to ruin it! Why can't you just give in, JUST THIS ONCE!?!" He yelled at her, his hat bobbing at the lost temper. His dreams, his hopes, his plans; all ruined thanks to her self-righteous stubbornness.
Now it was Alice's turn to flare up. It did not happen often, but she felt she would be forgiven, seeing that the Hatter had gone too far this time. He would pay for his thoughtless speech and actions, even if she had to see to it herself.
"The best thing in my life?! You think you're the best thing to come into my life!?! Here's a newsflash, buddy; the 'best thing in my life' has insulted me, endangered me, driven me nuts, overpowered me, harassed me, wanted me to back down for him to get his way, wanted me to change for him, and hurt me! Well, Mr. Hatter, if you 'love' me as much as you claim you do, why won't you just leave me alone!? If you value my sanity, my well-being, my happiness why don't YOU JUST LEAVE! If you really care why can't you do what's best for me? I'll tell you why: because you're a SELFISH PIG WHO WANTS THINGS DONE HIS WAY."
The Hatter stared at her, stunned, truly listening to her for the first time in his life as she continued.
"Ha! And you tell me you 'love' me. How you toss that word around! Do you truly love me, Hatter, hmm? Can you honestly say you do? You barely know your own feelings, and yet you claim to have the most powerful, immovable, beautiful feelings for me the world has ever known! Can you claim that, truly!?! For goodness sake, you have to act like your in love! Why don't you just be yourself and then see if you love me like you claim!?! That's what you've been doing all along, haven't you? The whole 'thoughtful' thing!! It's not even you!! Don't you understand!?! YOU ARE INSANE. CAN AN INSANE MAN EVEN LOVE?! I DON'T THINK SO!! SO JUST GO AWAY!! WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON!! I AM ENGAGED TO A MAN WHO LOVES ME!"
Alice threw herself down onto the ground, in exasperation, anger or exhaustion; perhaps all three. She drew her legs up against her chest and buried her head between her knees, wishing the earth would just split open and swallow her – right then and there. She couldn't face him – out of sheer hatred, embarrassment, confusion, regret and revulsion – she just couldn't face him ever again, not now – not ever. She was sure of it.
The Hatter spoke quietly for the first time, his eyes on nothing but the ground in front of him, unable to face her properly, either. His mood had flipped yet again, turning his sour face into soft putty, his stance almost fatherly as if he were reproving a wrong child. "Alice, does this man you are engaged to love you by your definition, by my definition, or by his own definition?"
Alice risked a glance upwards, puzzled by the strange question. "What?"
"Just answer the question, Alice," he instructed her, his mood still patient.
"Well – I – he – uh..."
The Hatter gathered this was the best answer he would be receiving. "So if you have allowed his definition to satisfy you, why won't you learn about mine? Or is his definition even good enough for you at all? Does he truly love you Alice?" The Hatter's voice was soft; patient.
"I – he – I think so..."
Ignoring her incoherency, he pressed on. "Well, okay then.; next question. Does he love you more than I do?"
"Uh – well, uh – I don't know..."
"Well, okay Alice. So if you don't know, don't I deserve a little time to give you the opportunity to find out? You know, just to be sure?" His voice echoed through the woods, still the patient reasoner.
"Um, I – I, well, you would think it made sense..."
The Hatter suppressed a triumphant grin, and did his best to keep his calm countenance. "Alright Alice, listen carefully, because this one is the most important question of all – it's all about you – that's why. You ready? Okay; Do you love the man you're engaged to? And I don't care whose definition it's by."
"What?! How can you ask such a – uh, well....uh...you can't just-"
"Just answer the question Alice. Give me a 'yes' or a 'no.'"
"No." She said it. She had really said it, although she had been planning to say yes. How had that come about?
"Then it's settled," the Hatter told her triumphantly, not bothering to disguise his grin anymore, "I officially have five days to change your mind, and if you don't, I will personally show you the way out of Wonderland, whether the things you may leave behind you are resolved...or not."
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Well then – its official! There may be five or so (possibly more?!) more chapters to this story till its over!! (Gosh, thats a lot of plot I have to fit in to five chapters! Oh well, I shall do my best!)
lol - poor Hatter...rejection is tough. Someone give him a cookie.
Review? Anyone?