Chapter o2 : The Agony of Rejection

My body, my mind, my heart. They all ached. They ached for him, the man who had broken my heart upon his rejection of me. I wanted to hold him in my arms, say how much I loved him and have Professor Fudo say it right back and actually mean it. I didn't want him to cry, I didn't want to see those beautiful blue irises filled to the brim with tears ever again. It was a delusion, I came to accept. Hakase will never be mine, he was far too devoted to that damn woman. He rejected my feelings, he rejected the fact that he was mine after I had been the one to take him. He rejected me completely. Even as he conducted our research on Momentum, Hakase never got excited about it any longer. It was only business with him, he only spoke business, he only spoke about the research and nothing more. He never joked around anymore, he never attempted to humor Rex or I with any stories he would make up just to put a smile on our faces. Hakase never smiled anymore unless he was around his son, other than that, he was a shell of who he once was.

It was all because of me. I made him miserable, I tore his heart into pieces, I gave him that feeling of dread and painful guilt for practically forcing him to do what he was fighting to keep himself from doing the entire time. I forced him to give in to those desires, I forced him to forget about Hana, I forced him to do it all. It caused him no happiness. That hour of ecstasy had not been worth it for him. Hakase was miserable, he attempted to hide it but Rex and I could tell. My little brother questioned me on why Professor Fudo was behaving that way, and I would end up lying to him by saying " Not a clue. " and suggesting he may have martial problems at home. I didn't want to lie to Rex, but I did not want to tell him the truth. I didn't want him to know that I was the cause of this man's unhappiness.

" Professor, this is entirely wrong, " I commented as I looked over his shoulder as he typed in data for the Momentum research. I was behind him as he sat in a chair, so, I had moved my arms to each side of his body to reach to the keyboard to correct his mistake, leaving Hakase trapped and unable to get away. Instead of replying, I noticed something about his movements. He had shut his eyes and turned his head away from me, not even trying to look as he defensively brought his arms to his chest as if he were afraid.

" I'm sorry. I guess I wasn't paying attention, " came Hakase's reply.

Furrowing my brow at the reaction and response, I pulled away as soon as I was finished correcting his mistakes and wandered off to my brother. " Rex, I would like to speak with Professor Fudo alone. Can you come back in twenty minutes? "

Rex gave me this look of confusion for a brief moment, only to smile in the end " Sure, brother, " with that, he walked off out of the laboratory room to leave me and Hakase alone. Rex assumed I had the most innocent intentions, so, he had not thought of the possibility that we were romantically involved at least one point in our lives. Ah, to be so naive.

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--------- H a k a s e `s POV

I was afraid. Yes! I admit it, I was afraid of Rudger now! It wasn't because he was taller than me or more muscular, or the fact that he made me look like a complete pansy that should be playing for some team called the "London Sillynannies" ... where was I? Oh, right. I was afraid of my feelings to Rudger, for the past few days, I had been attentive, romantic, sweet towards Hana in a way to make up for betraying her trust (I had yet to tell her what I done though). I had been playing with Yusei, been buying him more toys and whatnot in a way to apologize for almost breaking up the family. I wanted to shove those feelings for Rudger deep down until I eventually forgot altogether. My body, my mind, my heart ... I wanted them to belong to Rudger. I wanted to be completely his, I wanted to let myself love him. My heart told me one thing, but my logic told me another. My logic ended up winning, it told me to freeze my heart, to never let myself love another soul but Hana. It was easier thought than done to do something like that.

Being left alone in the laboratory with Rudger left me nervous. I wanted to fill in the increasingly awkward silence, so I ended up saying : " Um ... two pretzels were walking down the street, one of them was asalted, " with a dorky laugh following right afterwards at my own joke. I did that sometimes, I laughed at my own jokes no matter how lame they were. I was a dork, wasn't I ~? Rudger didn't laugh, so I merely hung my head to look back down to the keyboard, patiently awaiting a response.

"That was the first time you laughed in six days, " Rudger smiled. He put his hand on my shoulder to assure me that it was alright to look back up to him. Rudger noticed? I didn't think anyone would actually take the time to count how many days I had been obviously unhappy for. " I love that sound, " Rudger soon added.

" Rudger ... I -- " I was cut off with a kiss. For the love of God, Rudger needed to stop doing that or he was going to get a wrench to the head. Did I have 'Cut me off' tattooed on my forehead?

" What happened, Hakase? " Rudger questioned me, "What happened to that cheerful dork who got excited over thinking about the possibilities of Momentum? What happened to the guy who made up those cheesy jokes and stories just to get Rex and I to laugh? What happened to the guy who always greeted us with a smile? "

Huh ... I wondered if I should have taken that as an insult or think it was sweet. I took the latter. "... He died the day he slept with you," came my response. Ooh, did that sound colder than originally intended.

" What? " of course Rudger was going to ask that, so when he did, I elaborated on what I meant.

" I can't love you ... I just can't. "

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--------- R u d g e r `s POV

" Why?! Tell me why!! " I hadn't meant to scream at Hakase, just I found myself doing so. I even ended up pounding my fist right into the control panel for the Momentum in my fury. He couldn't love me ?! What kind of half - assed answer was that? I needed to know why, I demanded to know why. I expected for the Professor to shrink back out of fear from my response, but he did not even bat an eye. It was almost as if he expected that sort of explosion of anger coming from me.

" Hana ... Yusei ... I can't turn my back on them, " When in doubt, keep it blunt. Hakase followed that believe, apparently.

" How are you turning your back on them?! "

" I betrayed Hana! I betrayed everything I vowed to do at our wedding! I vowed to be faithful, to always love her and cherish her ... but I betrayed all of that! I don't want to break my family apart because I couldn't keep it in my pants! " This time, his reply was far more emotional than those other, almost monotone ones. He looked at me with fire in his eyes, his fists clenched as if he were prepared to hit me right in the face. "I can't love you! Don't you get that?! What my heart wants doesn't matter to me! I don't care about my happiness! Only Hana's and Yusei's matters! My happiness means nothing! " ... The hell? Was it weird that those were the words that came to mind? A part of me was really wanting to slap Hakase right now and call him a "Drama Queen" or something or beat some sense into that spiky head. That bitch and his son meant the world to him, and I had been the one to try to tear them all apart. I really was Satellite scum, wasn't I?

It meant nothing? Nothing?! No ... I wasn't going to let him get away with saying that. I had no idea that the man put such little value on his happiness, it meant something to me dammit and I was going to show him that whether he liked it or not. I grabbed onto his shoulders, forcefully pulling him up to his feet so we would be as close to eye level as we could get without me lifting him up. Hakase was shorter than I was, he couldn't help it, I was a pretty tall man. "Nothing?! It means something to me! I knew what was in your heart, I knew that you wanted me! I knew that you wanted to give your heart to me. What's keeping you from that? Some unhappy marriage with a woman that's more of a friend than she is a wife! You want someone to love you for you, for everything about you and guess what? I'm that person!"

There came that fateful reply.

"I can't, Rudger ... why can't you understand that? I can never love you ... I never had."

It tore my heart into pieces.