THREE

The morning at SGH was steady; cases came in one after the other until late afternoon when intake, incidents and surgeries tailed off. Cristina had managed to hand Owen a coffee at some point during the day and plant a kiss on his lips before sweeping off. It was the most connection they had as both were busy and he was thankful, because he needed to understand what he had been feeling. He caught sight of Derek at the end of the hallway and hurried to catch up to him before he disappeared. "Er, Dr Sheppard...Derek...!"

Derek turned to face Owen but was looking at his pager reading the message on it. "Hey Owen... I've just been paged by the chief; he's being very mysterious today. You know anything about this meeting later?"

Owen shook his head no. "I'm sure we'll find out at six. Um... Derek... could I... Are you busy? Can I have a word with you...in private..? "

Derek gave Owen his full attention, by the tone in his voice he grasped that Owen needed Derek and not Dr Sheppard. He looked at his watch. "Er... sure, I have about half an hour free actually, if nothing else comes up. Do you want to talk here?"

Owen said no and so they walked down the back stairwell and out through a set of double doors that led out of the hospital onto the second floor roof garden. It was just a small gravelled space with a few flowers, a couple of benches and a waste bin, but it got the sun and it was a nice space to take a break and sit. Owen had lunched there many times, on his own and with Cristina. He sat down on one of the benches, Derek sat near him. The sun had been out it and the blue cloudless day was slowly changing. It was still a bright clear day, but the sun was getting ready to take a break. The positioning of the benches allowed the two to stay somewhat shaded without being hit by too much direct, albeit fading sunlight.

"I don't think I've been out here before. " Derek said looking around.

"It's one of the places I like to come to think." Said Owen. "It's not as busy as some of the other places in the hospital. " He was leaning forward with his elbows rested on his knees, his eyes focused on the gravel under his feet. He knew he was on borrowed time and that their pagers could go off anytime, but he struggled to put his thoughts into an opening sentence. Eventually Derek helped him along.

"Do you need my help?" He asked quietly.

Owen shook his head, but said. "I mean I do, but not with sleep or stress or anything like that..."

"Cristina?" Derek guessed.

Owen nodded his smile was subtle. If his past experiences had taught him anything it was to open up more and he really needed to talk to someone. The thoughts he had been turning over in his head since the night before maybe needed a friend's ear and some perspective. He knew he could trust Derek with his processing. He began slowly. "I am unsure," He said. "About my relationship with Cristina."

If Derek was expecting something Cristina related he was not expecting that. Owen massaged his hands together and continued. "I don't know what we're doing together, that's what has been going through my mind. Should I be with her? "

Derek's eyebrows eased upward. "Should you?"

"Can I, I don't know if I can be with her anymore..." Owen corrected himself.

"I didn't realise the two of you were having problems."He said leaning forward to look at Owen.

"I didn't realise we were having problems." Owen said.

Derek didn't know what to say. He hadn't expected this. By all accounts and observations, Owen and Cristina were a happy couple. He wondered if Meredith knew something, she had given him no indication of problems, no confession, no bedtime gossip. "What happened?"

"I don't know." Owen sighed. "I don't know what happened. I looked at her last night and wondered, or realised that I want her so much but where we are right now, is probably as good as it gets, that all I'm going to get from her is maybe alot of sex, some good company and I don't know what else..."

Derek understood immediately, he'd been there himself with Meredith.

"You've got to push through this feeling Owen, push her through this feeling. "

"I don't think Cristina is willing to or wants to move beyond where we are, she's having too much 'fun'. But how long are we supposed to keep simmering in this spot..."

"As long as it takes?" It was a question. Even as he asked Derek wondered if he could simmer with Cristina Yang indefinitely. "What do you want?"

"I want more of her... is it selfish to want more of her, more from her?"

"I don't know. I thought you were happy, you both seem pretty happy to me?"

"We are happy, but... But I love her, but I'm not convinced she really loves me. We have the connection but I think she loves 'it' more than she loves me."

"Oh she loves you." Derek said missing the connotation. He was sure of that, he'd never seen Cristina look at or interact with anyone the way she did with Owen. He and Meredith talked about it from time to time. The two of them were a good couple, and Meredith was happy for Cristina, even if she was just getting to like Owen.

Owen sighed and sat back leaning one arm along the back of the bench. "I don't think...I don't believe that Cristina is really capable of loving anyone. After the whole Burke thing I think she has shut that part of herself down."

Derek nodded he could understand that. "So, is your problem that she doesn't love you, or that you don't believe she loves you. I mean does she have to be in love with you or love you... Does it matter?"

Owen took a pause to think. "It wouldn't matter... if she... she..." But he sighed and didn't finish his thought, just it gave up frustrated.

Derek sighed in his own frustration. Cristina and Meredith had their own language and they could understand a lot of meaning through a few disconnected words, he didn't have their skill, and he and Owen weren't that close. So Owen was going to have to spell it out, draw a diagram, something.

"She only says I love you during sex... " Said Owen, a bit embarrassed at having to be so personal. But he needed to say what was on his mind. "and, I'd like to hear it at other times in our lives."

"Oh..."

"I support Cristina and wanted to give her time, but she's only managed to say I love you during sex... Does she love me, or does she just love... it?" Owen stood up from the bench and stepped around in front of Derek, kicking at odd bits of gravel under his feet.

Again Derek had been there with Meredith, sort of. He knew the pattern, the fears. "But you know it's not the words Owen, it's the feeling. She's not saying the words when you need to hear them and you're feeling insecure. But she loves you it's obvious to me at least. Don't you get that feeling?"

"The feeling that I'm getting is that she is hiding behind the 'physical' part of our relationship. That's the feeling I'm getting. I am doing my best not push her, scare her. But I want to move forward. 'Sexcapades' while fun, are not moving us forward. If we stay simmering in this spot, what we could have, might be lost... "

"Is this about your platoon?" Wondered Derek.

"... W...What?" Owen faltered.

"Are you frightened that if you don't 'do' something with Cristina that she and your relationship will be lost like your platoon, like one day she'll be gone?"

Owen looked confused. The connection hadn't occurred to him. It made for a good argument but that wasn't what he was trying to say to Derek. "Not everything is about my platoon Derek. This is about wanting a future with my girlfriend, but not seeing a future, because she is not willing to express herself beyond being physical."

"I think this is more about your platoon than you realise." Derek countered softly. "But we'll address Cristina for the moment."

They spoke about it. Derek surmised that Owen was feeling insecure and he was panicking. This was Cristina Yang they were talking about. If Owen expected Cristina to be expressive he would have a long wait. Maybe Owen didn't know Cristina as well as he thought he did. He at least didn't know her before, when she was with Burke and before that. She had come a long way, maybe this was all Owen was going to get, but it wasn't bad, considering what she was like, before.

"Have you spoken to her about this?" Derek folded his arms.

"I'm talking to you about this. "

"Well I ..."

"I love her Derek. I feel like a love sick fool sometimes, but if she only loves... it... and not me, then I am wasting my time. "

"Owen, I think you're getting carried away. Until you sit down and talk to Cristina, you have no idea that she loves ... it... and not you, and for my money. I think she loves you."

"You think?"

Derek sighed. "Cristina is not an I love you kind of girl Owen. She's different. I mean I don't think I've seen her smile more than about three times in my life, and I've never heard her laugh. Not ever, at least not beyond a snicker. But, I have heard that she's cried Owen, over you, and more than once. There are people in this hospital that would pay good money to see Cristina Yang cry. She cares about you. She's happy. She appears to be extremely happy. I mean you didn't know her before. She was... unbearable... To me at least. Perhaps you're apprehensive because you love her. Love is scary sometimes Owen."

Owens jaw clenched. "I'm not a nervous teenager Derek. I look at her and tell her I love her and she looks away, or holds me, but she never says it back."

"Do you need to hear it back?"

"After one year Sheppard. I need to hear it back. I don't know the intricacies of Meredith's personality, but I am sure you haven't had to twist her arm to hear those words. I am sure over dinner, at the kitchen sink, over laundry, while you were eating popcorn, wherever, I'm sure she has looked you in the eye and said plainly and simply "I love you." Owen ground the gravel under his feet and sat back down on the bench. Their half an hour was drawing to a close.

Derek knew he had been through a lot of things with Meredith, a lot of back and forth, false starts, upsets, fears, arguments. He tread carefully so as not to scare her, but once she was ready to commit herself to being brave and investing fully in their relationship she said I love you like it was nothing. Which under analysis could be troubling in and of itself, but she had said it, and he felt that she meant it. He knew she meant it. Cristina, well she was a different matter. Cristina was, well she was Cristina. Derek washed his face with his hands and blew a heavy breath out.

"You need to have a discussion with her about this? I don't know what you want me to say Owen. I don't think the problem you think you have, is a problem." Derek shrugged. "She's Cristina." He got to his feet. "I'm not going to tell you to finish with her, I'm not Mark. You need to talk to her, and if she only says I love you when you are doing 'it' then stop doing 'it' and see what happens."

When Owen stood up Derek grasped his shoulder for a few seconds. "What do you think might happen if you went on strike?"

Owens smile was light but his answer was serious. "I am almost afraid to find out. That's all we've been doing lately."

"Hmn." Said Derek as he led Owen back inside the hospital. "Then you need to put her to the test."