EIGHT

"Still trying to steal all the best surgeries by arriving early?" Said Bailey as she walked towards Cristina in the changing rooms. "An extra hour of sleep is probably more valuable at this point Yang, but you don't care about that do you?"

Cristina straddling the bench was sitting in her bra top with her head down. It seemed that she hadn't made a decision as to what to do with the shirt she had in her hands.

"Yang? "Bailey called again. Dr Bailey walked over and leant into her face. "Yang?"

"Sorry Dr Bailey?"

"Its 4.30 in the morning Yang. Your shift starts at 5.30. You live across the street. What're you doing here so early?"

Cristina didn't answer.

"You okay?"

Cristina pondered. This was exactly one of those clichéd life moments where she would have called her mother, if she were a call your mother to talk about man problems type, and if her mother was a non judgemental, I'll listen to anything you have to say about your man problems type mother. Of course it wasn't even a scenario she could even imagine and if she weren't so sad she would laugh at the idea of calling her mother to talk. But she did need to talk to someone. Instead she let a tear fall. To heck with being Cristina Yang, she had been a practising Yang for 29 years and where had it gotten her? She was going to try being Izzie light or being one of those pathetic teary eyed patients. It was 4.30 am, there was no witness around but Bailey, and so she gave up for a moment and cried. Shocking the heck out of her senior resident.

"Cristina?" Bailey gasped concerned. "You want to talk about it?"

When Cristina didn't say or do anything, Bailey sat down on the bench near to her. Even though they were second year residents they were still her babies. Bailey could be Miranda for a few minutes. "Is this about Dr Hunt?"

Cristina shook her head. "This is about me." She said eventually. "I've got a great surgery today and I'm sitting here upset, sad over... over..." She looked at Baileys softening face and scoffed. "I used to be upset when I didn't get the surgery I wanted. I'm supposed to be focused on being the best resident in my program and the best surgeon. Instead I'm... "She covered her hands with her face massaging her skin. "...First Burke and now here's Dr Hunt fucking it all up for me. Sorry for my language." She muttered quietly. "What's happened to me Dr Bailey? I've turned into some pathetic girly... girl."

She swung her head up to catch Dr Baileys eyes.

Miranda put a light touch on Cristina's knee with her hand. This was a familiar conversation that last happened in the Dr Burke aftermath if she wasn't mistaken. "And what's wrong with that Cristina? You're a woman in love with a good man, a good, handsome man who also happens to be an excellent surgeon. It's bound to affect you in some way when you have problems. I might not have always liked Dr Hunt but I respect him. But I don't think Dr Hunt would be trying to fuck anything up for you – as you say – I think you're doing that all by yourself and Cristina you need to fix it. Fix it or snap out of it, and I can say that without knowing any of the details."

Cristina looked at Bailey. More than being admonished by her or at hearing Bailey swear, Cristina was surprised at Bailey saying her first name. Her tone was gentle and she caressed her first name with care. Cristina. Not with the usual aggressive dragging out of the name Yang.

"And for the record." Miranda continued. "Burke, as excellent a man, surgeon and a teacher as he was, he loved himself more than he loved you, he did what he had to do for him, it had nothing too much to do with you, don't feel bad about it, it's just the way it was and it was a smart move. He needed to protect his career and his heart, and in doing so, he protected your career and your heart too."

Cristina and Bailey kept eye contact; Miranda was nodding comfortingly for a moment. Then she changed her tone and sat up from Cristina, taking her hand from her knee and reaching under her coat to unpin her lapel watch, clean it, shine it up, blow on it a couple of times and then fasten it back.

"You girls, yes and George and Alex too! I've told you all do not date your colleagues but do you listen? No! And then you have all this drama happen and what do I get? Teary eyed, emotionally fragile residents trying to operate! No one held a gun to your head and said date Burke or date Hunt, you did that yourself because you wanted to, so Cristina deal with it. Whatever you got going on with Dr Hunt, whatever is making you shed these little tears here, deal with it. Have a plan for when matters of the heart hit you."

"I don't even know what happened." Cristina complained rubbing away at her tears. Still sitting in her bra top she balled her hair into a bunned bundle, staring at Dr Bailey she mumbled quietly. "But I'm not expecting you to understand."

"What! You think I haven't been in love before? You're a woman dating her boss at work. It was a recipe for disaster."

"I thought you liked Dr Hunt."

"I do, but you didn't have to date him, did you? You could have kept it professional, but you didn't so deal with it."

"I thought I was in control of the situation this time." Cristina grumbled. "But something happened somewhere and I have no idea what it was." She shrugged. "Maybe I am not cut out to be with people; maybe I should just stick to my work."

"That might be a good start." Said Bailey.

Cristina gave her a look, hard at first then softer as Bailey wasn't backing down. She filled her arms into her scrub top, deciding at last to put it on.

"I had a mentor here at this hospital," Bailey said after a long period of silence and of looking at Cristina. "A Dr Marianne Murphy. Great lady." Bailey smiled at the memory. "I used to cry to her about my personal problems. She was the only one I spoke to. Most of the time I ran around acting like everything was under control. Still do sometimes, when I forget her advice. If I had a tear in my eye she would say 'So what?' She was tough on me. I thought she didn't understand. But she was making me know that everything was in my control, and that I had a say in all the choices I was making. As a woman she understood my problems, but she didn't let me off the hook. Cristina you're going to be the same way. When you're a top surgeon you'll tell your female interns. 'So what? Deal with it!' Why? Not because you don't understand their plight. But because you know exactly how they feel. Think I haven't been here at 4 in the morning because Tuck made me mad. I have. Plenty of times. Or that I haven't sat on that very bench wondering just how I am going to raise a child who won't hate me for working all these hours and missing his important moments in life. Suck it up.

You're in charge of your focus, not Dr Hunt. Things are hard enough in this job, torture sometimes. Dr Murphy would say to me. 'Do you think anyone cares if you have a fight with your husband or that he doesn't take out the trash, or that you're on your period or that you don't have child care today. No? No one cares. Your patient still needs operating on, and your colleagues will just add your misery to their list of things to count you out and compete against you.' And I would always have a 'but you don't understand' for her.

'We are women Miranda,' She would say. 'We will cry and feel the heartbreak, we are more emotional. It's just the way it is. But others will think we're weak, we will think we're weak. We will have a multitude of issues that no one can relate to or care about. But if we just remind ourselves that we are the best damned thing since sliced bread, then it will help us to maintain our focus. You're brilliant aren't you Miranda?' She would say. And isn't she right? Aren't I the best damn resident on the planet to y'all? "

Cristina smiled despite herself.

Bailey got to her feet. 'We plan for our monthly periods better than we do for real life events. You're having your second work relationship with your second boss. You've already been here. You know how this could end. You know you can get hurt. Yet you sit here and say 'something happened and I don't know what went wrong? It's already wrong, but that's not my judgement. What's your plan Dr Yang? What are you doing to keep your focus, to keep your edge when your love issues hit you at work? Come in early mornings and cry? Is that your plan? I think you're better than that."

Miranda Bailey pressed down hard on Cristina's shoulder emphasising her words, because she wanted Yang to hear her. "It's not difficult Cristina, but you are making it painful. I need you to remember that you still have your focus and that you still do have your purpose and you are still the best damn best resident in your program and you will still be an exceptional surgeon." Baileys tone was firm but gentle. "But there is a time and a place for love, and a time and a place for work. So whatever is going on talk to Dr Hunt. Deal with it! And when I say deal with it, I don't just mean suck it up. I mean deal with it. Let him know he hurt you if he did. Get it out of your system, so that you can groove with your edge today. Take a little more time to think if you need it. But don't sit with this Cristina. Don't fight with yourself over this, I saw what happened to you after Burke, learn. Do not wear yourself out by coming in at 4 in the morning because you can't sleep, or steal the best surgeries so you can cut and suture until you feel better. Yeah I know it because I used to do the same thing myself because Tuck had me mad about something."

Bailey patted Cristinas shoulder and she couldn't resist just touching the tips of Cristina's exploding curls from her bun. "Come on get dressed, you can buy me a coffee before the others get here and tell me what actually happened. This time I'll let you do the talking."