TWELVE

Standing at the nurses' station alone, Cristina didn't know what to do with herself. If she cared any, she would feel embarrassed. She had been hiding, and had been horribly exposed in front of her friends. Being bad ass was getting boring to her friends who were sitting in grown up relationships. It wasn't good enough as Meredith had stated. She couldn't hide behind her fears, or behind her image of being a bad ass. Owen meant something to her. Not just a little thing either. She walked away from the nurses' station and back towards Owens office. It was an automatic motion; she didn't really know why she was going that back that way. Approaching it she slowed and thought carefully about what she wanted to do. If she just walked into his office and declared I love you. He wouldn't believe it. She wouldn't believe it, she'd just be saying it to calm him down and prove him wrong, and shut everyone up. And she didn't want to give him the whole 'I'm afraid of love after Burke' thing, not after what Izzie had said. But as Mer had declared, not saying anything at all was a cop out. But she couldn't just walk around saying feeling things.

A couple of nurses walked by her and stopped outside Owens office. One knocked on the door and poked her head inside the doorway. Was she one of the nurses Izzie talked about liking Owen? Really she never knew there were so many of them at the hospital. And who were the female surgeons just waiting for their moment to push her out of the way? She didn't feel jealous, she wasn't the jealous type. She wasn't the I love you type. She wasn't the anything type. Just the surgeon type. Maybe she was the stunted type like Izzie suggested. Maybe she was using Burke as a barrier to get in deeper with Owen. She had certainly been using sex as a barrier to intimacy. Even she knew that, but she didn't know that Owen knew that too. The more sex they had the less they talked about deep issues. She had tried to keep him busy. They discussed some stuff some times, she let him into her heart some times, but after being pulled along by Burke she wanted to be in the driver's position this time. Owen loved her so he followed her. But by what he had just told her, he had been driving all along. She thought she had their relationship they way she wanted it. But Owen was just making her happy. Now he wanted to be happy for himself and he was asking her what she wanted.

The nurses giggled in the door way with Owen. She tried to imagine him kissing one of them, the fair haired one. Tried to put images of them in her mind, to spur on some kind of emotion that would make her want to shove the nurse out of the way and demand Owen be with her forever. None of those emotions came. She could understand there being women who wanted to be with him, be around him. He was a likable attractive man. The fact there was no open flirting or trying to openly push her down the stairwell as Izzie claimed told her that people respected Owen and therefore respected his relationship with her.

Would it kill her to give him what he wanted? Would it kill her to be open and honest and openly loving to the one person that had basically saved her from bitter depression after Burke left? Sitting on his dick in the middle of the afternoon wasn't showing him real gratitude or using her vibrator on herself while he watched wasn't what he wanted to make him happy. He liked it, he enjoyed it, he went along with it, but he was more than that. He wanted a partner. Someone he could trust and count on. He wanted to be loved. He needed to feel grounded and steady. That's all he was asking. Weren't they wanting the same thing? Some sense of security.

No wonder he went to McDreamy. Meredith couldn't be tamed when she was scared of commitment. Derek had been married to Addison for years. He knew what that steady feeling of security was all about. Even Owen had been engaged to Beth for years. Who if not Derek could understand what partnership and future looked like. Meredith had bounced from one night stand to another, and Cristina had engaged in lopsided relationships with people who could teach her, help elevate her or compete against her. Her relationship with Burke was the ultimate in competitiveness.

That wasn't Owen, he was straightforward, he was direct. He stated facts and asked for details, and he loved her warts and all, and he was there for her. What more did she want from this man. Nothing. All he desired at this stage was more for himself and really who could blame him. He just wanted to feel secure. Three out of three of her friends did not think he was a being unreasonable. But they thought she was being so.

Damn Owen.

She walked up to his office. He wasn't talking about work with the nurses they were talking bands and music. She felt a twinge in her gut. There were smiling eyes all round, which cooled as she stood there. Fair haired nurse and brown haired nurse looked at her.

"Er... Dr Hunt, can I talk to you a second? " Asked Cristina.

There was the slightest exchange of looks between the nurses. 'Talk? Yeah okay...'

Owen slowly wrapped up his discussion with them and ushered Cristina into his office closing the door.

"Sorry to bust up your little fan club meeting there." She said as brightly as she could.

"We were talking music. We have the same taste in music." Owen sat down and looked at her. "What is it Dr Yang I'm busy."

"You pulled me off my surgery remember, I'm still on your service. Do you have anything for me to do?"

"You know I think that will be all. You're done... for the day..."

Their eyes duelled. Brown, blue, brown, blue, brown.

"Look Owen..." Cristina started. This would've been the part where she locked the door to his office, stripped off and climbed onto his lap. Those days might be over. Maybe she could try one last time, but without undoing his zipper. "Owen. I... I'm..."

His pager buzzed, and he looked down. 911 he had to go. He stood up. Cristina went up to him and touched his chest. "Owen..."

He tried to move past her. "We're going to have to do this next time, I have incoming trauma."

Their bodies touched as he tried to manoeuvre around her. She held his chest. "Owen."

"Cristina...later..."

"Owen. I... I do love you." She said.

He looked at her. "Cristina... I have trauma... Later..." Owen walked out of his office leaving his door open.

Cristina watched him saunter down the hall. She felt as stupid and annoyed as hell. "Fuck." Was all she could say. She watched as he pressed the button to the elevator and waited. Meredith's words flew around her head like twittering birds in a cartoon. 'It's a cop out.' Of course saying I love you and letting him walk away, was a cop out. She had to get beyond this. 'Whatever it is Yang. Deal with it.' Screamed Dr Bailey's voice.

"Wait! Owen!"

He turned to look at her, but that's all he did. She ran to the elevator. Ran. "Wait!"

The elevator doors opened and Owen stepped inside, he held the door open with his hand and Cristina leapt into it. They both knew that for a split second he toyed with letting it close before she got there. It was in his eyes and it made her laugh, and he chuckled. They did have a connection and a relationship worth fighting for.

"Look." Cristina breathed. "I'm not very good at this; you know I'm bad at the emotion. Horrible. But you're right, it's no excuse. Owen... "

Cristina knew she didn't have long before the elevator hit the main floor and he walked out, so she had to get to it. This mustn't wait until later. "...Owen, I do love you." She said with a swallow, looking into his eyes. Reaching for his hands she pressed them to her chest. He was staring at her from his position by the buttons, trying not to look moved one way or another. Mer would call it a cheesy moment. But Cristina had to make big gestures for this man to take her seriously.

"Owen I love you. I...I'm not good at this. Burke... traumatised me." Owen stared at her. "But so did you. Every time you look at me with those eyes, those fucking blue eyes. I can't stand it. I can't breath... with you around Owen. But I can't breathe without you." She let him go to move around their confined space. "I can't handle this.... sometimes I want to run. I'm scared. I love you and I'm scared. I think you're going to leave. I think... I expect it... I think I am just preparing myself. Deep down, despite all this that we have." She waved her hand between the two of them. "I think I'm just preparing myself for...." She didn't finish her sentence, just looked deeply and sorrowfully in his eyes. They were on the first floor now. "I thought I was keeping things happy and snappy. I didn't realise you needed more from me... It's all in here Owen." She pressed her chest. "Inside here, I'm jumping hoops, smiling, laughing, excited. It can't come out in the way you want it. So I show you. When we have sex, make love, whatever... I'm showing you how I'm feeling and I thought that you'd get it. I thought I was speaking loudly and clearly. I didn't mean for..."

The elevator reached the main floor and Owen stepped out as the doors opened. Cristina stared after him, momentarily stunned; she had been baring her soul here. "Owen?!" She called when he didn't wait for her, look at her, stay with her, press the button to close them inside the elevator. But instead sauntered toward a harried Callie, who was giving orders to interns. He took stock of the trauma situation for himself and called for Cristina, who was still standing in the elevator with her hand pressed against a door.

"Yang, get out here!" He called.

"Wha..."

"We've got work to do Yang. This is a hospital!" He shouted at her confused face. "Now, please!"

Cristina jumped into action, shadowing Owen, who was now Dr Hunt. The relationship shit had to wait.

As part of his team, she got to work. The focus now being trauma and saving lives.