THIRTEEN

That night just a few minutes short of 11.30pm a sleepy Callie pulled open the front door of her apartment to let Owen inside. She grunted a hello, she was tired, and it was late. ``Yeah Yang`s in her bedroom, be my guest. I don't care. Goodnight." She stumbled bleary eyed back to her room.

He did think about knocking, but he didn't. He just casually swung the bedroom door open and walked inside. Cristina was on her bed, lying on her belly in her night t-shirt reading a medical book. She turned her body as the door of her bedroom opened and was shocked to see Owen walking inside like it was nothing.

"What the...what are you doing... here...?"

He stepped inside and shut the door, with no explanation and no response to her protests. He did what he would do on any other night. Kicked off his shoes and begun unbuttoning his shirt. Peeling it off he cast it neatly over the back of a chair in the corner of the room. Reaching for the top button of his pants he popped them open, undoing the zipper; he perched on the edge of the chair and removed his jeans. Finally he rolled his socks down and off one by one, tucking them neatly in his shoes.

He tugged the blankets and as Cristina slowly edged over he climbed in her bed. Leaning his back against the headboard he asked if she was ready for bed. She stared at him, and slowly, slowly, closed her book, sat up, peeled off her t-shirt and casually got under the bedcovers wearing only her bra and panties.

Owen clicked off the lights and in the darkness slid down the bed, pulling her to him, spooning her. She could hear him breathe in and out through her hair. His arms wrapped tightly around her waist, her legs, encased between his.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" She said into the darkness after about five minutes of his silence.

Owen breathing her in again talked through her hair. "We need each other." He said after a long while. When he didn't say anything else, Cristina spoke matching his low tone.

"You ignored me," She said, "I came to your office to give you what you needed from me and you ignored me."

"I'm sorry." He said tightening his hold on her.

"I don't understand what's going on... are we... what's happening...? Do you still..."

"We're not breaking up." Owen assured her. "I don't want to leave. I need this, with you. I was scared too." He admitted.

Cristina sighed.

"I panicked. I had a panic attack." He'd laugh if he wasn't so depressed about it.

"Owen...We can't... I don't want to be... pressured or blackmailed... or pulled off surgeries..."

"No... "

There was a long silence as they both thought about their relationship, how far they'd come. How far they had yet to go despite everything they had been through together.

"I love you Cristina."

"I love you." She gently rubbed her thumb over his hand.

Their conversation came in pauses and short sporadic sentences for the next half an hour. It was a dark rainy night outside, there was no moon illumination through the curtains, the room was practically black.

"I didn't realise what I needed from you..." He said softly. "It's surprised me, what I need. When I'm making love to you something comes over me and I feel..." He swallowed. "That's why I spoke to Derek. I wasn't going behind your back; I just needed to talk..."

Cristina sighed again. "Owen I'm trying. I'm really trying."

"I know."

"I didn't realise that you needed me to be so ... verbally expressive..."

"I didn't mean to push at you. But I know what I want Cristina and I need more ... from you..."

"... Saying I love you makes me hyperventilate." She said into the darkness. "But I'll work on it, for you, for us. I'll have to do whatever it takes."

"I appreciate that."

"I could do with being less selfish anyway."

"You're not selfish."

"I am. " Her voice drifted off. "I am...."

"You're Cristina."

"Don't excuse me... I've been ... scared, copping out. I missed the point. It's important to you, feelings and emotions,"

"Yes."

"Yup." She sighed, and it turned into a yawn. "I ... I want to tell you how I feel more but it doesn't come out. It hurts to be called stunted or a robot or be criticized for not caring enough. I am loyal. I am a good friend. I support my people. I support you. I just don't do hearts and flowers, but I am all feeling all the time, on the inside."

"I know."

"Owen - I can't imagine my life without you."

"I don't want to be without you either. I want marriage. Children. The whole thing. I want to marry you..." He braved.

She was silent for a long time. "I... I don't know... Standing there in a wedding dress... in front of...I don't know if I... "

"I wouldn't leave you like that."

She swallowed feeling oddly emotional. "I'm scared of my past... I know I can't be that pathetic... But..."

He kissed her through her hair to comfort her. "I'm scared of my past too... Sheppard thinks I'm scared you might disappear, because my platoon disappeared. Because you didn't express yourself as I wanted, I got scared, couldn't guarantee you'd stick around. But I can't force you to tell me how you feel if you don't feel it. I can't be scared because of my past either."

"I won't disappear Owen..."

"I don't want you to be anyone other than who you are."

"I want you to feel secure. "

"Let's start again."

"Meet me in the middle?"

"Okay."

They decided to resurrect the three phrases Owen used while he was seeing Dr Wyatt. If Cristina had to walk around saying I love you all the time, she'd get resentful or something. He had to work with her and let her be who she was, while she met his needs and gave him what he needed from her.

As they talked he felt a little guilty that he didn't trust what he felt he knew about her. People outside of their relationship really didn't know her. She showed him sides of her that if he wrote them down on the surgery board, people wouldn't believe. She was incredibly giving and loving, she felt and hurt like anyone would. He kissed the top of her head, she was just a scared person with a lot of love to give but didn't know how to show it. She was immature in that department and that wasn't anything to hold against her. Sheppard had been right. He just needed to push her, push them through where they were, to their next level. But he also had to allow her the space to grow.

She turned over in the bed to face him. Snuggling her face into his neck pushing her knees in between his. One of his hands rested around her waist, the other soothed the skin of her back.

"Can we make love now?" She snuggled him. "I've missed you."

"No... I want us to be more than the sex Cristina. It's important to me."

"But you're so good at it."

He laughed.

"Can we at least make out...?"

"Maybe in the morning. I have the day off."

"Marvellous."

He couldn't miss the sarcasm in her tone.