A/N: This IS part 3/3.
as always, to lessen the confusion, i've put up a timeline on my profile. And like before...it might help if you've read Chuck vs the missing years and long days and night
Chpt 7: Sarah vs the Return
Sarah paces back and forth across the narrow perimeters of the hospital room. She's done it enough times to wear down the tiles to the brink of collapse. Any more and she might fall through a crack in the ground.
She hasn't slept in seventy-two hours but her body is so wired she thinks she can hold on for a little longer.
How much longer? Hours? Days?...Years? The last thought is so distressing she immediately shakes her head, physically trying to ward off the terrible and very real possibility of losing him forever.
It's taken five connecting flights and a wild drive down the freeway to get here, as if somehow just being here could make everything better.
But she's just being hopelessly naive.
The reality of it all hits her when she finally sees him.
He's strapped to half a dozen monitors, his arms are plugged full of lines, and there's a prominent swath of bandages wrapped around his head, nearly eclipsing any hint of curly dark brown hair.
When she stares at him lying so still and lifeless, she doesn't think it's really him anymore.
She doesn't know what she'll do if he doesn't make it.
She's just come to the realization but she's too late. Now he'll never know the truth.
All he'll remember is the abandonment, the loss...
And how this is all her fault.
Sarah doesn't think her day could get any worse but Murphy's Law is out to prove her wrong. She's five steps from the office building when her cell begins to ring. She has Charlotte in a sling, scalding hot coffee and car keys in one hand and the other dragged down by not one but two bags, one for her and one for the baby.
Charlotte begins to stir from her sleep and she scrunches her little face in annoyance.
"No, Chuck, please don't cry," she begs. Suddenly she wishes she had set her phone to silent this morning instead of the tone she doubles as an alarm clock.
Of course the baby doesn't listen; she hasn't inherited everything from her father.
Sarah gives a harried thanks to the doorman as she slips into the office building and drops her keys and coffee on the receptionist's table. The temp gives her a sympathetic smile, like she's grateful it's Sarah with the screaming baby and not her.
The blond haired woman slips her hand into her coat pocket and pulls out the dreaded device, using her other hand to muffle Charlotte's ears.
"Hello?"
"Sarah, morning!" Ellie sounds chipper than usual. Lucky, she thinks. At least someone got to have their coffee this morning.
"Hey, Ellie, how are you?"
"I'm fine. Have you read the paper yet this morning?"
Sarah nearly laughs. Between trying to keep Chuck from being completed manipulated by a nine month old and finding a sitter who would be willing to cover a last minute cancellation, she hasn't even had time to brush her hair much less sit down with the paper.
"No, not yet. Anything exciting?"
Ellie laughs secretively. Of course there is. "There's a heart health feature in the paper today. Devon's one of the physicians they interviewed."
"Oh, Ellie, that's great!" She's inclined to use the word 'awesome' but she knows it will only make her sister-in-law roll her eyes. "I'll be sure to check it out."
Charlotte grows impatient and not even the charm bracelet on Sarah's wrist is enough of a distraction for her.
"Listen, I have to run—"
"I completely understand," Ellie immediately says. Sarah wonders if Charlotte's cries are really so loud they can be heard on the other end or if she's just grown immune to high pitched noises.
"Chuck, sweetie, don't be like this," she pleads and kisses her on the crown of her head. Sarah considers pulling out a toy from the diaper bag but she's reluctant to make an even bigger scene right by the main doors.
"I'm so sorry," she says to the receptionist as she grabs her things and heads for the elevator.
Sarah sighs with relief when a colleague in her department comes to her rescue. Gratefully she relinquishes her bags into the woman's hands.
"Morning, Carol. Thanks."
The brunette pinches one of Charlotte's puffy cheeks. "Hey Charlie, what's wrong?"
Sarah rolls her eyes. "It's Chuck," she reminds.
Carol gives a cheeky grin. "Charlie sounds so much better."
"She won't respond to Charlie," Sarah quips.
"I don't think she'll respond to Chuck either. Right, Chuck? Chuckie?"
Charlotte just shakes her head, indignant tears running down her cheeks. Sarah sighs and presses her closer to her chest. "She has a bit of a cold, poor baby."
As the elevator rings and they step off onto the floor, Carol turns to her with a quizzical look.
"Sarah, I know it's not my place to ask, but does your husband know where you're bringing the baby."
She looks at her friend blankly. "Of course. Work." She gives an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, she's not usually like this. She's usually very quiet."
"Oh no, it's not that," Carol's quick to assure. "I mean, does he know where you are bringing her?"
Sarah doesn't understand. "Yes?"
The response takes the woman by surprise. "He's okay with it?"
Sarah nearly laughs. "Well, this is a pretty low-risk analytics department. It's not like we're in any real danger here."
"But still..." Carol's unsure how to elaborate her point. "Frankly I've never told my husband. The cover is pretty convincing...and convenient."
"Well, this was actually his idea." Sarah knows she's just dropped a bombshell when the woman's jaws seemingly unhinge and drop to the floor. "I wanted to quit and he told me not to until I found something I really liked." She smiled. "I'm still looking."
Carol wrinkles her brows, and they joke about quitting their jobs to open up a bakery or a scrapbooking store. It's not a bad thought, but Sarah doesn't think she could last more than a day. This is the only thing she's really good at.
Carol walks her down to her office, helps her set down her things, then bids farewell to the baby.
"Bye, Charlie, have fun with mommy."
Sarah rolls her eyes. "It's Chuck!" she corrects just as the door closes.
.
Sarah runs through three files before she's out of coffee. By then Charlotte's dozed off, and is nothing more than a lead weight in her lap.
She knows she has it easy. As Sarah gazes down at her tranquil expression, she wonders what will happen when she learns to walk...to speak...William's going through the terrible twos, and it's everything Ellie's ever feared.
Sarah naively assures herself that it won't happen; the baby takes after Chuck, sweet-tempered and easy to please. She ruffles the baby's curls and gives her a quick kiss before she reaches for the morning paper.
"Now let's find that article..." she murmurs, leaning back in her seat.
She flips through the pages quickly, searching for Devon's name. She doesn't find it, but something else catches her eye.
Famed neurologist, Dr. Arthur Cassel, dies of brain aneurysm, the header reads. She would have smiled at the irony had distant memories not flooded to the forefront.
Charlotte stirs and looks up drowsily. Sarah doesn't know how she does it but she seems to have a sixth sense about these kinds of things.
"It's okay, Chuck," she soothes, hugging her daughter close. "Go back to sleep, everything's okay." She rubs the baby's back, waiting for her to fall back to sleep before she goes on to read the article.
Sarah doesn't realize she's dozed off until she wakes up, startled by the noise of the nurse entering the room.
"Any change?" she asks, staggering from her seat to his bedside. The nurse shakes her head.
"Nothing," she says. Then with an encouraging smile, offers her a small kernel of hope. "At least he's not getting worse."
Sarah doesn't realize how bad things really are until she hears her say those words. Things must be dire when you think of the negatives as positives.
Sarah hides her tears and nods. "Thank you," she says, and resumes her post at the foot of his bed. She tries not to pace but if she doesn't wear herself out, she will do something rash, she just knows it.
A stranger in a long white coat enters the room. He keeps face buried in the chart and only raises his eyes when he briefly introduces himself.
"I'm Dr. Cassel, the neurologist in charge of ."
Sarah accepts his hand and shakes it stiffly. "Agent Walker," she responds, her voice dulled by fatigue. "How is he?"
"I'm sorry." The man shakes his head. "This procedure should never have happened."
Sarah doesn't know how to respond. "You're sorry?" She can barely bring herself to say the word. He doesn't understand, not yet anyway. Perhaps after she was done with him he would understand how to feel sorry in its sincerest form.
"It was experimental but he anticipated the risks. We had full patient consent." Dr. Cassel bites his tongue and shrinks visibly under Sarah's menacing glare. "But I'm sorry for what's happened. It's quite tragic. I understand he was a valuable asset to the agency."
Sarah does everything she can to hide her pain, going so far as to dig her nails into her palm until she drew blood.
Tragic? Her entire life was one giant tragedy.
"If anything happens to him, you will be held responsible," she warns, gritting her teeth to keep from snarling something far more offensive.
The doctor bristles at her words."I've already done everything I can." He folds his hands in front of him and bows his head. "Again, I'm sorry."
Sarah turns towards Chuck's unconscious form. "I am too."
More than you'll ever know.
Chuck drops by the office for lunch, looking a little flustered. He's wearing a bright yellow visitor's badge and if his crooked tie and untied shoes are any indication, he's been scanned, searched, poked and prodded multiple times before admitted upstairs.
"This sure is one lousy insurance agency," he mutters as he greets Sarah with a kiss.
Sarah smiles. "I'm sorry. I really didn't feel like being stuck in traffic with Chuck."
At the name, Chuck's entire face lights up. "Where's my Piglet?" he exclaims in a playful voice.
Charlotte's ears perk up and she turns in the sling, her face exploding into an excited grin. She holds out her tiny hands as Chuck takes her in his arms.
"How is my Piglet today, huh?"
Sarah rolls her eyes. "It's Chuck, Chuck."
"Who? What?" he teases. "Come on, Sarah, don't confuse her."
"No one is confused," she insists.
Chuck smothers the baby with a barrage of kisses, making her squeal with delight. "You hear that, Sarah? That's exactly what a piglet sounds like."
Sarah grits her teeth, looking less than amused. "Don't call our baby a piglet."
Chuck holds Charlotte up and presses his face against her chubby cheeks. "Aw come on, you have to admit she looked a lot like one when she was born. All pudgy and pink, right?"
He blows a raspberry against Charlotte's belly, making her burst into another fit of laughter.
Sarah's tempted to throw her half of the lunch at him. "Charles Irving Bartowski!"
Chuck stops and holds their daughter still "Uh oh, Piglet," he whispers in a hushed tone. "I think mommy's mad."
Sarah takes a deep breath and resigns herself to the fact that her husband will never call their daughter the same name as his own.
"Chuck, I need to tell you something." Her eyes flit down at the morning paper she's left on the desk.
Chuck gulps and for the first time since entering the room, becomes completely serious. Charlotte whimpers but he holds her close and gives her a reassuring pat on the back.
"Uh, okay." He looks around the room nervously. "Should...should I be sitting down for this?"
Sarah bites her lips to hide the growing smile. She still remembers how well he took the news when she told him they would be expecting Charlotte.
"It's not that kind of announcement," she assures. "But as a precaution, I'm going to take her."
Chuck readily relinquishes his hold. "Okay. Good idea."
Sarah's sitting on edge when a cup of coffee appears before her, seemingly out of nowhere. She follows the hand until she locates its owner, then frowns.
"I don't need any," she says, but takes the cup anyway.
The man sits beside her and takes a long dreg of his. "I know, you're holding it for me," he says.
Sarah's in no mood for jokes but even she has to admit she's missed his rough humour and tough love.
"It wasn't your fault."
Sarah rolls her eyes. "Wow...are you actually trying to console me, Casey?"
He grunts, his toughened expression revealing nothing. "I thought you should know. You don't need to beat yourself up over the idiot any more than you already have."
Sarah thinks they must have reached a pivotal point in their relationship when Casey doesn't take the first opportunity to make a stab about her and Chuck.
"None of this would have happened if I didn't ask for a reassignment."
He shrugs. "That's like saying I wouldn't have lost my toe if I never shot Bryce."
Sarah frowns. "It's not the same thing." Not even close.
Casey cracks a smile. "Get over yourself, Walker. He didn't do this for you. He did it because he wanted to."
Ellie answers the door and at the sight of her niece, her expression does a one-eighty. She looks as if she's won the lottery as she clasps the baby's hands.
"Hello Chickadee, how are you?" she coos, completely ignoring the adults standing at the door.
Sarah sighs. "It's Chuck," she reminds for what feels like the hundredth time today.
Ellie ignores her. "You're such a cutie aren't you?" She takes the baby from Sarah and Chuck hands her the diaper bag.
"Hey sis, what about me?" he jokes.
Ellie rolls her eyes. "You see, Sarah, that's precisely why I can't call her Chuck. She's so much cuter than he ever was."
"I'm hurt," Chuck retorts flatly.
Ellie sticks out her tongue. "You'll get over it," she says as props the baby against her shoulder.
"So big plans tonight?" She looks expectantly from Sarah to Chuck. "Dinner? Movie?"
Sarah looks at her husband, dressed in one of his best suits and realizes they certainly look the part.
"Actually we're going to a funeral."
Chuck looks at her in shock. They had agreed to tell a lie, but Sarah's so tired of keeping Ellie in the dark.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry."
Sarah shrugs. "It's okay. It was just an old acquaintance. We weren't that close."
The brunette takes her hand and squeezes it. "Take as long as you need. She's not a problem." Sarah nods. She's so grateful to have a sister like Ellie.
Just as they are about to go, William runs to the door. He holds up his hands and flashes a cavern of baby teeth when he opens his mouth to holler: "Chuck! Chuck!"
Sarah misunderstands at first but then she realizes he means Charlotte.
A wide grin appears on her face. "Will!" She bends down to give her nephew a big kiss on both cheeks. "You are my favourite nephew, you know that?"
He giggles in her arms.
Charlotte watches the exchange and scrunches her little face in displeasure. She mews pitifully until she has her mother's attention again. Sarah sighs as she rises to her feet. She gives her daughter the same treatment, and ruffles her mess of curls for good measure.
"Be good, Chuck."
Behind her, Chuck tilts his head and grins. "Aren't I always?"
Sarah rolls her eyes. "See?" he points out. "It is confusing."
.
Chuck sits in the passenger seat, glancing over the article in the paper he's already read at least five times now.
"So I knew him?"
Sarah tries to keep her eyes on the road but she feels like she needs to gauge his mood. "Uh-huh." It's not much of an answer so she elaborates. "You were a patient of his."
"He removed my memories?"
"No. He tried to." She sighs, pushing the dark thoughts away. "He didn't succeed."
"Was it dangerous?"
He turns to her. She knows she can't hide anything from him, but that doesn't mean she doesn't try.
"Yes. Very." She glares at him. "What you did was stupid."
He grins at her. "Lucky I don't remember, huh?"
Sarah wishes she can smile, but even the memory of it makes her eyes mist.
"This is about more than the doctor isn't it?" When she doesn't answer him, he stares out the window. "Take your time," he murmurs as he grabs her free hand and squeezes it.
It's not fair. He's so patient with her.
"This is about Jill," she finally confesses. The woman hasn't been a part of their lives for some time now, but Sarah still feels like she's exorcising a ghost whenever she even mentions the name.
"About that time you left to be with Bryce?"
Sarah's eyes widen with worry. She's so overcome with panic she nearly drives the car off the road until she realizes Chuck's only teasing her.
"If you don't wipe that smile off your face right now, Charles Bartowski, you can take the couch tonight," she threatens. He gulps audibly beside her.
"I know it was just work between the two of you," he says, trying to appease her.
"You didn't always believe that," she reminds. "And yes, it was around that time."
"Jill came to take your place." Chuck remembers a little but none of it are his true memories. It's only what he remembers her saying. "We worked together."
Sarah focuses on the road. "Yeah."
"I built that Intersect-thing for the wrong people."
She nods again.
"Jill convinced me to wipe my memories. So I wouldn't remember doing it."
Sarah frowns. She reaches for his hand, feeling as if all the air has escaped from the car. "You remember that?"
Chuck looks back innocently. He shakes his head. "No, I just figured it would be something she'd do." He sighs audibly beside her. "Sounds like something I'd be stupid enough to do."
Sarah resists the urge to slam on the breaks and give him a good knock on the head.
"Don't say that," she admonishes. "You're not stupid."
He laughs beside her. "No, not completely." His eyes glint with mischief. "It was a faulty program, wasn't it?"
Sarah arches her brows in question but he just shakes his head.
"Just sounds like something I'd be brilliant enough to do."
She laughs and slaps his arm. "You're not that brilliant, ," she taunts. Then reluctantly she admits: "But pretty damn close to."
Sarah is there when Chuck first opens his eyes. It's so unexpected that she forgets herself. Even when she realizes what's happened, she doesn't respond the way she's been trained to. She knows what she's obliged to do, that she's supposed to page for Dr. Cassel or a nurse to evaluate him, but she wants Chuck to herself.
It's selfish, but she's waited too long for this moment to break it for some stupid protocol.
"Chuck? Chuck!" She repeats his name over and over, but he just stares at her in a daze.
Her heart sinks with each passing second. She hangs onto the hope that he's still the man she knows and loves, but it's drifting further and further away.
Finally he murmurs something that sounds like her name and it's like music to her ears.
She cries and despite all the obstacles of wires and lines in her way, throws herself at him. It's an awkward exchange, but she's never been so grateful to have it.
"Sarah..." he utters a little more coherently. "What..."
He closes his eyes and winces with pain. "Chuck?" She grabs his hand and reconsiders calling for help. But just as she's about to press the red button against the wall, he speaks again.
"I'm so sorry."
Sarah wants to laugh but all that comes out are tears. "What are you sorry for?" she demands. "Why are you always apologizing?"
He smiles weakly at her. "It's a habit, I guess. I'm sorry."
Sarah wipes away her tears on her sleeve and flops down at his bedside. "I'm sorry too. I never should have left."
"But now you're back." He winces again and clutches the side of his head.
"Sarah...Jill—"
She silences him before he says too much. "It's okay. I know."
He swallows back whatever words he wanted to say. "I was so stupid. I trusted her."
The tears suddenly stop and Sarah is filled with an all-consuming rage. To think that someone as kind and sweet as her Chuck could be tricked into letting his guard down, left vulnerable only to have his heart crushed; it was too much.
"I'm going to kill her," she swore. "I'm going to kill that—"
"No!"
The response isn't what she's expecting. "What do you mean no?"
Chuck grimaces and he squeezes her hand, keeping her from sprinting off on a rampage. "Please don't go." His voice is soft and full of uncertainty. "Please."
Sarah sighs. All the anger she's built up seeps away. Carefully, she moves his wires and lies down beside him. The narrow bed is just barely big enough to hold them both.
"Okay."
He looks at her with an incredulous expression. "Yeah?"
Sarah doesn't say anything. She's so grateful just to be able to stare into his eyes again. It's stupid really. Did she really think she could ever run from him?
Chuck tries to hide a yawn but it only makes his eyes droop with exhaustion. He struggles though and makes an effort to stay with her.
"You can close your eyes, Chuck. I'm not going anywhere."
Chuck doesn't look like he believes her, so she takes his hand and drags it across her torso. She holds his arm steady where it lies, almost like a security bar over her chest.
"There. I'm not going anywhere."
He smiles. "Welcome back, Sarah," he murmurs drowsily.
Sarah sighs. "It's good to be back."
...
I apologize, all you chuck lovers, for writing so much in Sarah's POV lately. I realize the irony since the story is called chuck vs then and now but i can't help myself.
oh...and i've already decided on a title for the next chapter. it's Sarah vs the Photograph (see? i'm still stuck in her POV). That's my spoiler, if you like spoilers. Feel free to guess away.