A/N: I hope this can make up for all the depressing rumors revolving around our favorite show or at least be a band-aid.
Check out my profile for the timeline (read chpt 2 for kicks afterwards if you're looking for some continuation).
Also, i can't believe how many of you encouraged me to become an insomniac!
Chapter 10: Sarah vs the Affair
Sarah raps her knuckles rapidly against the door. Waiting for the answer, she takes a step back and holds her breath, praying for a miracle. Prays that somehow they might have the night to themselves; no dodging around or sneaking kisses under covers and behind closed doors. No more making lies and excuses to friends and family. Just them. Just something normal.
Then the door opens and all it takes is the sight of sleek brown hair and shaded eyes to make her realize she's just being naive.
"Sarah," Carmen greets, her annoyance thinly veiled behind a polite smile. She grips onto the door tight enough to make her knuckles pop. "What's going on?"
Sarah bristles at the question. She hates it when the woman does that; burrows herself right under her skin by using a seemingly innocuous question to drive her crazy.
"Uh..." She hates that she has to even explain herself. Like what she's doing is wrong. "Is Chuck in?" she asks instead.
Carmen frowns. She keeps the door just barely ajar and had Sarah not stuck her foot across the threshold, there's a good chance they wouldn't be having this conversation right now. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"Chuck had to work on the game with Morgan. He told me he'd be coming back late." Sarah tries to summon the strength to plaster on a fake smile but it's too hard. Why does she have to explain herself at all? She was supposed to be the senior agent. She was supposed to be asking all the questions.
Carmen is unimpressed with the excuses. "Do you have any idea what people will think when they see you coming up here every night dressed like that?"
"What? This?" Sarah looks down at herself. She has on a mid-length trenchcoat but the nightgown underneath barely peeks through. She had to admit that from the waist down there wasn't a lot to be left to the imagination.
Sarah smiles despite herself. "This is exactly what a girlfriend would wear to seduce her boyfriend." She pushes her way inside before Carmen could protest.
The woman falters and takes a step back to accommodate her. There's no sense in making a scene outside but once the door was closed behind them, the niceties were dropped.
"Might I remind you that I am Chuck's girlfriend!" Carmen huffs. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't make my job so damn difficult."
Sarah snaps her head around and glares. Carmen likes to push buttons, she knows, but the agent ought to know she's prodding a bear in a poorly enclosed cage.
"I know it can be hard," Sarah says through gritted teeth. "But try not to forget that you are only his pretend girlfriend. I'd appreciate it if you didn't make my life so damn difficult."
Carmen stares at her, the veins in her neck threatening to pop as she sized up her adversary.
Sarah wondered why it was always this way. She hated to think it was because they were both like-minded alphas struggling for dominance but by Ockham's razor, the easiest answer was the most likely.
God. Was she really like Carmen? How did Chuck put up with her? Did that mean he could fall for her too—
She stopped herself before her imagination ran wild. They were not nothing alike. End of discussion.
"This is extremely inconvenient." Sarah smirked. What Carmen meant to say was: you're extremely inconvenient.
"Well, you insisted on these arrangements," Sarah reminded.
"No. The arrangement was that Chuck and I live together so I could keep an eye on him—"
"Yeah...as roommates."
"No. As a couple."
Sarah grits her teeth. She wondered if Carmen sincerely felt something for Chuck or if she simply insisted on being a royal pain.
"I'm sorry, Carmen, you'll have to step out of your fantasy and return to what we call the real world. Chuck already has a girlfriend and it's not you."
Carmen's face flushed red with anger. "I am just trying to do my job and you come in here dressed like some prostitute—"
"Excuse me?" Sarah couldn't help but raise her voice. She'd taken a lot of abuse from this woman but she had to draw the line somewhere.
"Do you have any idea what the neighbours think with you visiting dressed like that?"
"I don't think the neighbours give a damn—"
"Because we're supposed to keep a low profile and you coming over every night—"
"Should I bring Casey over to keep you company? Would that help?" Sarah snarled. She didn't care if the neighbours heard. Let them. Let the whole building hear how dysfunctional her love life was.
"You know I think there's only one way to settle this," Carmen declared, licking her lips. Sarah knew that look. The glint in her eyes. She smiled. This was one challenge she couldn't back down from.
She flexed her knuckles. It had been awhile but she was sure this wouldn't be too difficult. She'd been waiting a long time for this.
"Outside?" she ventured with an arch of her brows.
Carmen smiled in agreement. She looked just as eager as Sarah.
"No! No one's going outside!" There was a sudden rush of footsteps and before either of them had time to react, Chuck was in the living room clad only in a towel, hair still dripping from the shower.
Both women broke from their staring contest only long enough to notice Chuck's sudden appearance and state of near undress.
"Mind your own business, Chuck," Carmen snapped, refusing to back down.
Sarah smirked. "Don't worry, Chuck, it'll be over before you know it." She stared at the brunette. "We'll be gone five minutes tops."
"No! There will be no going outside. No one's going anywhere," he stressed. No one pays him any mind though, not until he grabs Sarah's hand and begins to drag her away.
She tries to dig her heels into the floor but Chuck's surprisingly strong when he puts his mind to it and she has no choice but to hope for a rain check.
.
Chuck locks the door behind them and gives a sigh of relief once they are in the safety of his bedroom. It's the only safe place they have.
"That was close," he said as he turned his back to slip on a robe. Sarah was slightly disappointed by the change in view but if things went according to plan...well, she smiled slyly to herself as she considered her options.
"I had the situation under control," she said with an arch of her brows.
Chuck laughed nervously. "That's precisely what I was afraid of." When he kissed her, she could sense the unease she'd caused him. The kiss was short and under par with what she was used to, like he was distracted with more pressing matters.
"Hey..." She pulled away to look at him. "Don't worry; you know how Carmen and I butt heads."
Chuck smiled but the smile failed to reach his eyes. He was ice cold to the touch and even though little more than a few flimsy pieces of fabric separated them, the mood was all wrong.
Sarah wanted to pound her fists against the wall. Why did everything always have to be so hard? Couldn't anything ever go their way?
As if reading her mind, Chuck apologized. He looked so crestfallen when he said it that Sarah didn't know how to respond. The expression he wore wounded her to the very core.
"What do you mean?" she asked, shaking him so he'd look at her instead of down at his feet. She'd never been good at this, this was Chuck's thing but she had to try.
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "This is all my fault."
His words, spoken with such defeat, sent shivers down her back. "What is?" she pressed, brows furrowing in confusion.
He glanced briefly at her with those sad brown eyes and sighed. "Everything."
"Chuck" Sarah knew it. Why did he always take responsibility for things beyond his control, always behave like such a...
A perfect gentleman?
"If I hadn't trusted Jill again, if I hadn't let her convince me to get rid of the Intersect—"
"If I hadn't left—" she reminded, bringing up the memory despite how much it pained her. But he had to know, had to understand that she was just as guilty.
"If I had followed orders—"
"Chuck!" she nearly screamed. Sometimes he could be so dense. "Finish that thought and I will guarantee it will be your last!"
She knew she'd gotten her message across when he clamped down on his tongue and ever so subtly shrank against the door. He knew she'd never hurt him but he'd seen her do some things she'd rather he didn't.
"I don't know what's gotten into you but you'd better stop it. You have nothing to be sorry for. You've done nothing wrong." He didn't look so convinced.
You've never been anything short of everything I've ever wanted and needed.
But Sarah couldn't say the words. Instead, she uttered the only thing she could think of. "Please?"
She looked helplessly at him and wondered how this evening had turned so awry. All she'd asked for was a quiet evening, not even anything special. She was willing to stay over in the over-cluttered bedroom, in the bed barely big enough for two. She was even willing to put up with Carmen lurking around in the kitchen. And now here they were, so far from where she'd imagined she didn't know how to get back.
"Please..." she begged, completely out of words. She tousled his hair, the locks still damp from the shower, hoping to coax a sliver of a smile from him. "Please...Chuck."
Chuck smiled for her but not without reluctance. "I can't help but feel..." His words drifted off as he tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
"Feel?" she asked, waiting for him to continue. His touch lingered, his fingertips blazing a trail from her jaw down to her lips. It wasn't something he consciously put his mind to, but she was all too entirely aware of the light-weight sensation gliding along her skin.
Sarah was torn between snapping out of this trance and demanding a straight answer or falling ever deeper under his gaze. Things were finally looking like they might...
Chuck caught himself and cleared his throat, the noise so loud and abrupt that it made Sarah reel as if she'd been thrown backwards. The distance between them grew and the disappointment began to set in again.
"Sarah, be honest with me." He held her hand and the moisture collected between them only added to her unease. She swallowed nervously, unsure how to prepare herself for what was to come. She never knew what to expect from him sometimes. "Do you ever have regrets?"
Sarah hesitated. "Yes?" she ventured quietly. Of course she did, but she didn't like where this was going. She felt like if she admitted to hating olives he'd conclude that she hated all vegetables.
Chuck stared at her, long and steadfast, as if he were trying to hear all the words unspoken, the thoughts she hid from him.
"Do you ever regret coming back?"
Sarah waits all afternoon by the door. It's pathetic and she knows it. Her ears are perked like a guard dog and she doesn't stray far from the front hall for fear she'll miss him.
But as the clock hand reaches six approaching seven, she realizes she may as well be holding out for a miracle.
The first few times she brushed off as forgetfulness, work, traffic, anything that would avoid pointing the blameful finger at something far more serious or sinister.
She keeps making excuses for him; for them, until his absence becomes the norm and the odd days when he returns on time for dinner becomes something that makes Sarah feel she ought to celebrate.
Standing in the new kitchen of their new home, she'd never felt quite so alone. Maybe this had been too much. Maybe it was finally starting to sink in for him. Maybe he realized what a mistake all this was.
Did he regret his impromptu proposal?
Did he regret moving out of his sisters to be with her? Trapped with her?
She gulped as she looked down at the engagement ring resting around her finger. She'd grown so used to having it there; even the thought of removing it made her nauseous.
And he didn't even know about all the other things. The little white lies she'd told him about her job at the bank, their shared past, about Bryce or Jill or—oh god. Her father.
Sarah groaned. She'd been working towards all of that but with things the way they were, she didn't want to say anything that would put him over the edge.
Because she already had enough flaws as it were without the ones hidden in the closet. Her terrible cooking, her inability to sit through any computer jargon for longer than five minutes without blanking out, her awkwardness with children, her over-aggressive driving, her pathological distrust of strangers...the list was endless. She still couldn't understand how Chuck could love her knowing what a mess she was, but it seemed now he'd finally come to his senses.
Dinner sits untouched on the stove. She's cleaned up the mess on the counters so he'll never guess just how long its taken her to make such a simple offering and she wishes for the millionth time she could be more domestic. Read: Normal.
Sarah contemplates calling him on his cell. She worries about him but she knows it will only make her look paranoid.
She is though. Because when she worries, her mind instantly jumps to the worst possible scenario and after so many years doing what she did, the worst is really the very worst.
.
The hours pass. The sun sets. Dinner grows cold. Sarah sits alone in the dark until finally, just when she's nearly given up all hope, the key turns in the door and he walks in, head bowed low. When he flicks on the hall switch, Sarah feels as if he's flicked on the light in her heart.
She braces herself as she peeks around the corner at the front hall. He looks exhausted.
For a second her heart jumps in her throat and she wants to rush into his arms and examine every inch of him to make sure he's okay.
"Chuck?" she asks, as if unsure whether or not it was really him.
His hair is mussed, his tie hangs undone around his neck and his shirt's missing a button. If it were anyone else but Chuck, she would have jumped to the obvious conclusion and felt justified by it.
But this is Chuck, and she thinks she knows him better than that, or at least knew the person he used to be.
"Chuck...what happened?" she asks, fighting the urge to hover.
He looks at her, light hardly entering those leaden eyes. 'What do you mean?" His voice is so emotionless and devoid of life, it's not like him at all. "I told you I'd be working late."
Did he? Sarah couldn't remember anymore. "Yeah. You've been doing a lot of that lately."
He doesn't respond to her accusation and Sarah guiltily sneaks a glance from the corner of her eye. It's not like him to miss the subtleties in her tone or did he simply not care anymore?
Sarah watched as he shrugged off his jacket and threw his briefcase onto the couch, brushing past her without so much as a touch on the shoulder or kiss on the cheek. Like a stray kicked to the curb, his obliviousness was as painful as any blatant rejection.
She wasn't used to this. She had become so accustomed to being chased after that she was at a loss for how to go about it the other way. She'd never had to question Chuck's feelings for her but since the surgery; she felt like she'd lost the one sure thing in her life.
As she watched him head wordlessly for the bedroom, she realized just how much she'd taken for granted. Suddenly she wished he'd never agreed to the operation. Yes, the general had been a pain, Carmen had been a trial, and losing favour with his family had been disappointing but no matter how hard things had been, they had always had each other.
She could do without the quiet job, the new home, the two cars and manicured front lawn. She wanted Chuck, her Chuck. The man who'd come home every night for dinner, who looked at her with nothing short of adoration, and who'd never leave a doubt in her mind how he felt about her...
That man no longer existed. The thought felt like barbed wire being dragged through Sarah's heart.
She knew that. She'd known that since the very beginning, but it was hard to accept when he was still here. She no longer knew if she was in love with him or with a memory.
The ache in Sarah's heart only intensified.
"Chuck" she ventured before he reached the bedroom door.
He stopped and sighed. "What?" he asked.
Sarah licked her lips nervously. She wished he would smile, or say something, anything—computers, video games, a paint color for the office—anything at all that would put her worries at ease and reassure her that everything was fine.
She was usually so straightforward in everything she did but what followed was a pitiful semblance of the person she once was.
"Did you want me to heat up some dinner for you?"
Chuck shook his head. "It's okay. I'm not hungry."
Sarah fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "I know I'm not the best cook but it's not that bad, is it?"
It was meant to be a joke but he doesn't laugh.
"No," he replied, before turning towards the door again. "I'm tired, Sarah. I'm going to call it a night."
Sarah nods slowly, trying to compose herself but deep down she was a mess. She was losing him, little by little, like grains of sand through the cracks between her fingers.
"Chuck!" she exclaims just before he disappeared into the darkness. Her voice is rife with desperation and finally the man seems to show some sign of life in his otherwise expressionless state.
His brows arch as he stares past her. "Yeah?"
Sarah walks towards him and when she cups her hands against his face, she's reminded of just how long it's been since he's held her.
"Be honest with me..." she implored. "Tell me what's wrong."
Chuck shrugs but she knows him too well to believe the act. "Nothing. I'm just tired," he says. It's the oldest excuse in the book.
Then to make matters worse, he offers her a fleetingly brief kiss on the forehead.
It's like feeding a bread crumb to the starving poor and Sarah wishes he wouldn't kiss her at all if he was going to do that; it would remind her less of what she's lost.
"Chuck..." she begged softly. She'd never been good at this, talking was Chuck's thing, he had a habit of talking too much, and now he wasn't saying anything at all. "Please...Chuck."
He stared through her. "I don't know what you want me to say," he said.
The truth.
She gazed up at him and even though she was pressed against him, she'd never felt further away.
"I can't help but feel..." She stopped herself, unable to go on. It was just too hard.
"Feel?" he prompted, the first time he's taken an interest in the conversation.
It's me, isn't it?
She stared into his eyes, trying to find the man she knew so well. He was no longer her Chuck but she loved him just as much, just as fiercely; nothing could change that. The only thing that had changed was how he felt about her.
It is. It has to be.
Sarah felt herself slowly unravel.
"I can't help but feel like..."
Like...you've grown tired of us,
...fallen out of love,
......want out before the wedding,
.........want out of here,
............away from me.
Sarah felt tears burn her vision. All the better, she didn't have to face him and the impending end. "Do you regret staying with me?"
Sarah doesn't check her voice. "What's wrong with you?" she shouts, so loudly it causes Chuck to stumble backwards. The neighbours definitely heard that.
She doesn't even try to rationalize why he's asking. It wasn't worth her consideration. It made her angry that after all this he still questioned her commitment.
Yes, so she'd bolted once, but she was here now and here forever.
Couldn't he see that? Couldn't he see how deeply and irrevocably he'd changed her?
Chuck held up his hands defensively. "Hear me out!"
Sarah chewed on her lips. She crossed her arms and took a deep breath, struggling just to keep from throwing something at him.
"Please, Sarah," he begged. "Hear me out."
She didn't want to. She knew he'd only start on the self-destructive path, take blame that wasn't his to bear, apologize for wrongs he'd never committed—
"Look at what they've got you doing. Can you honestly say you enjoy the paperwork? If you'd stayed with Bryce..." Chuck struggled to finish the sentence. He didn't want to go there but by stumbling he had.
"It's not half as glamorous as you make it sound," she said. "I've got a lot of regrets but coming back isn't one of them."
Before she could get out all the words that have left her tongue-tied all these weeks—how grateful she was to have him in her life, how lost and alone she'd been without him, how she l-lov—there was a sharp knock at the door.
The moment went up in smoke and Sarah sighed as she noted another missed opportunity. At this rate she should count her blessings; fate seemed bent on making their time together as limited as possible.
Without waiting for a response the door bursts open. Carmen hardly spared Sarah a glance as she grabbed Chuck's wrist.
"Come on, we're about to be briefed."
Sarah glared at her. Did she fail her class on non-verbal communication?
"We're in the middle of something here," she informed, taking Chuck's other wrist and pulling him back to her side.
Carmen rolled her eyes. "Yeah, well I think the safety of the United States of America and its citizens trumps whatever you two have planned."
Sarah clenched her jaw until it hurt. And what if it didn't?
"Come on, Chuck," Carmen said, pulling on his wrist again.
Chuck's eyes darted back and forth between the two women, looking for a bloodless way out of this tug of war. There wasn't one. Didn't he know he was pitted between two women completely used to having their way?
Sarah sighed. "Let's go and get this over with." She dropped his wrist, making the decision for him. From the corner of her eye, she could see the look of triumph on Carmen's face. It nearly made her reconsider if not for Chuck.
The man offered a grateful smile, a silent thank-you for playing nice. He took her hand in his and headed for the door but Carmen had other plans. She blocked the exit and pushed Sarah back, taking her place at Chuck's side.
"What do you think you're doing?" the brunette asked.
"I could ask you the same," Sarah snapped, resentment flooding back so quickly it nearly displaced all her concerns for Chuck.
"We're about to be briefed," Carmen said. "And you're going to sit tight until we're done."
Chuck looked like he was about to protest but what was there to do?
"You're not part of the team," Carmen reminded, chanting it like some bully in the schoolyard. Sarah wanted nothing more than to slap that smug grin off of her face. "Come on, Chuck."
Chuck looked at Sarah, at a loss for what to do. He shot her an apologetic look and kissed her fleetingly in front of the other woman.
"I'll be back soon," he whispered.
Sarah sighed. There were so many things she wanted to say to him but all she could say was:"I know."
She sank down onto his bed, the mattress sagging with her in dejection as she watched him leave with her.
How could he ask if she regretted returning?
If there was one thing in her life she regretted, it was leaving when Chuck needed her most. Now the agency didn't trust her or Chuck. She couldn't even spend an evening alone with her boyfriend without being interrupted by matters of national security or otherwise.
Worse, she'd accomplished the impossible and cast a shadow of doubt over a man who by nature trusted everyone and everything.
He could deny it all he wanted but she saw the hurt in his eyes when he wasn't aware, the way his grip tightened every time they had to say goodbye.
This was her punishment.
This was what she deserved for being such a coward.
And chuck had the audacity to apologize?
Sarah sighed. Sometimes she didn't know if she was with an idiot or a saint.
Chuck blinks. He waits for her to say more but when she doesn't, he speaks as if waking from a daze.
"Wh-wha-what?"
Sarah doesn't want to repeat herself. It was painful enough the first time.
"Admit it. It's the truth."
"Wh-what?" Chuck repeats, sputtering on the same word over and over again. His hands rush to wipe away her tears but she swipes them away, intent on preserving the last shreds of her dignity.
"Just admit it!"
Chuck flinches at her outburst. The panic on his face is the most emotion she's seen him display all week. "No!" He shakes his head furtively. "What are you talking about?"
Sarah stares at him and wonders if she has to go through every shred of evidence in order for him to confess.
"You come home late, miss dinner, don't say a word to me and just head off to bed? You're gone at the crack of dawn. I don't get a single call from you all day. We haven't made love in—" Sarah flushed with anger and embarrassment. Not that she was counting or anything.
"I told you, I'm tired!" Chuck rubbed his eyes blearily as if to prove a point. Sarah had to admit they looked pretty bloodshot.
"Too tired to kiss your fiancée good night? Good morning?" She raised herself onto her tiptoes, pressing him for an answer.
He kissed her immediately, as if on cue, and it was the kind of kiss that she remembered best, the kind she'd missed so dearly.
"Good night," he whispered as he kissed her again. "Good morning." Another kiss. "Hello. I love you. I've missed you." He began to pepper her with kisses, trailing from her lips to her jaw line down to the soft part of her throat.
Sarah stopped him before she forgot what they'd been arguing about. "Chuck," she begged as she pushed him gently away. It was the last thing she wanted to do but this had gone on long enough. "Please. Tell me."
Chuck sighed.
"Don't say 'nothing'!" she threatened. "I know you better than you do. Tell me." In a gentler tone, she added: "Please."
Chuck squirms uncomfortably in his place. "I did something." For the first time he looks genuinely concerned, guilty even. "Something you might never forgive."
Sarah stared at him, dread saturating all her senses. She realized she really didn't know this Chuck at all. That she'd expected too much from him even though she told herself she wouldn't.
"Please don't hate me," he implored, pressing his palms together in a silent prayer.
She responded without thinking. "It's okay," she soothed. It wasn't, but her first instinct didn't concern herself.
How could I ever hate you? she wanted to ask, as she contemplated the strength of her resolve. Could she take his betrayal? Was her love strong enough for the both of them?
"Just say it, Chuck," she begged, because every second he left her to guess was torture. "Please just tell me."
Chuck chewed his lips to shreds and his face turned so red it looked as if she were trying to strangle an answer from him.
"I'm so sorry. I never meant—"
"Chuck!" she screamed.
"Lichtenstein!" he cried, blurting out the word so hard and forcibly it sounded like a bad cough.
Sarah flinched pre-emptively, only to realize it was for nothing. "What?"
Chuck's face was so flushed he looked on the verge of turning blue with mental strangulation. "We needed some money for the game and Morgan met this guy who said he could help us. All we needed to do was give him a deposit..." Without having to hear the rest, Sarah already knew where this was going.
"Oh my God..." she uttered. The look of shock on her face wasn't for anything Chuck had done, but he read the expression as he saw it.
His face twisted with guilt. "Morgan didn't have any so I lent him some..." He stared down at his feet, too timid to look her in the eye. "Some of our money."
Sarah waited for him to say more, to get to the part where he's met some wealthy heiress and decided to leave her but the revelation never comes.
"That's it?"
Chuck looks at her bug-eyed. "What do you mean that's it? I've lost half our savings!"
The news doesn't faze her one bit. "That's all?" She rushes to tousle his hair and smothers him with kisses, trying to ease away the frown so deeply ingrained on his face. "That's what this has all been about?"
"Sarah!" he exclaims, trying to shake some sense into her. "We're never getting that money back. The investment was bogus. Lichtenstein was a scam—"
"You've met him?" she asked, bristling at the thought. Of all things...
"No." Chuck shook his head, and it may have been the redeeming point for Sarah. If Lichtenstein had met her Chuck and done this, then there would be a hefty price to pay. "Only Morgan. Don't worry, Sarah, I swear I'll make this up to you," he promised, holding her securely against him.
Sarah wanted to burst into tears. Make it up to me? she wanted to ask. How am I ever going to make it up to you?
"It's okay. Forget the money, it doesn't matter." She hugs him tight, just so glad to know that it was all over. She felt like she'd just awakened from a terrible nightmare. "Why didn't you tell me? Do you have any idea—"
No. She wasn't going to go there.
Chuck shrugged sheepishly, looking genuinely embarrassed. "I didn't want you to worry."
"Worry?" Sarah couldn't help but suppress a laugh. The irony. "Why would you think that?"
"We've just moved into a new place. Our wedding's in May; it's not like we make that much at work and I just—I feel so—" he spluttered searching for the word. "Stupid."
"Oh God." Sarah collided into him, overrun with emotion. She was the stupid one. Stupid for ever thinking Chuck could be anyone but himself. He was never going to change what was in his nature and she felt like she'd failed them both by doubting.
"Chuck, you are stupid." She kissed him before he could realize what she'd just said. "Do you think I give a damn about the money?"
Chuck had never looked so confused. "Does this mean you're not mad?"
"Chuck!"
"But the apartment...the wedding..." he reminded pitifully.
"It's fine," she dismissed. "I'll handle it."
He looked surprised, then worried. "By legal means?"
Sarah smiled. She kissed him playfully, feeling like she'd been given a new lease on life. "Don't worry, I'll fix this." She held his chin and brought his head down so that they met at eye level, barely a breath's distance apart from one another. "Trust me."
When she said it with that tone, he had to smile and it was the kind of smile she remembered best. She felt the dim hallway brighten and fill with his warmth. He snaked his long limbs around her, ensnaring her in a hold that she had no way of wriggling free from, and she sighed contentedly into his chest.
"What did I ever do to deserve someone as amazing and forgiving as you, Sarah Walker?"
She tilted her chin up to face him. "I don't know, Chuck Bartowski. You must be a saint. How else could you survive my cooking?"
He rolled his eyes, making Sarah laugh. "Yeah, that must be it."
Sarah sat on the end of Chuck's bed. The candles were lit, the lights were dimmed and she was wearing a negligee that ought to be sewn with gold thread for the price she paid.
And she was alone.
She sighed. One of the above did not belong with the others.
Trapped in Chuck's bedroom, there was nothing to occupy her mind except for thoughts of what could be occurring just a scant few meters away outside that door.
Carmen seemed to be trying to do her a 'favour' by speaking loudly enough for her to hear through the walls but it was a contrast to Chuck and Casey's respectfully low voices and only aggravated her all the more.
"Chuck sweetie, did you want me to make you some coffee?" came the sickeningly saccharine voice.
Sarah ground her teeth together. They were probably done speaking with the general but she wouldn't be surprised if the two of them had joined forces to make her life difficult.
Suddenly Sarah heard Carmen break out into a high pitched laugh. "Oh Chuck!" she teased. "Stop it!"
Sarah could picture it now. Her poor adorable boyfriend looking helpless and confused as Carmen flirted shamelessly with him all while in the presence of the unflappable Casey. Chuck had assured her that Carmen was only ever professional, so this excessiveness had to be for her benefit. That or Chuck was too naive to believe someone would attempt anything on a man already spoken for.
It did little to ease Sarah's mind to know that both were equally likely scenarios when it involved a certain well-meaning but somewhat aloof nerd.
"Oh Chuck! You're so sweet. You don't have to do that for me."
Sarah stared at the door, fighting the urge to just fling it wide open and charge down the hall. She would be satisfied for all of ten seconds and then Carmen would revel in triumph knowing that she'd gotten to her.
But she has, hasn't she?
As Carmen broke out in laughter again, Sarah began to wonder why Casey was allowing all this to carry on in front of him. He was probably enjoying this way too much.
"Gosh my shoulders are sore. Would you mind—"
Sarah stood up, stopping herself just a step from the door. Purposefully she turned in the opposite direction and stared at the mirror mounted above Chuck's dresser.
Five years ago she'd been dressed just like this, in a room just like this. How times change. She'd turned him down so bluntly then, down-played all the effort she'd taken as simply a part of the cover. And now she was the one being turned down, abandoned and left waiting to be picked up again.
Sarah stared at the photos stuck into the edge of the mirror's frame. Carmen had been against the idea and to appease her Chuck had taken a few cover photos to put in the living room but he'd insisted that his bedroom was his and not subject to government jurisdiction.
Sarah always felt a little better when she looked back at their old photos. Random dinner dates with Ellie and Devon, a few at the park, the beach, the one time they had a vacation together, just the two of them. Their lives hadn't been any easier then, but she looked back on them as happier times.
She was no longer living a lie but Chuck had to, and that meant despite all her best intentions, she was no closer to the truth.
No one to blame but yourself.
Self-destructive. It was almost a prerequisite in her line of work.
Not even all the times she turned Chuck down, the times she lied, cheated, stole, killed—nothing compared to the guilt she felt, knowing how deeply she'd hurt him.
They were together now and she'd apologized over and over for what she'd done but her actions had spoken louder than any reassurance she could ever give him. He didn't look at her the same way anymore. There was an innocence she'd taken from him. Now, when he looked at her, it was as if he were constantly preparing himself to say goodbye, never knowing when she'd disappear from his life again.
Sarah wished they could go back to the way things were before, when all she saw was the light in his eyes and not the shadow of uncertainty she found herself faced with from day to day. She wanted to be the person who was strong enough to stay at his side even when every fibre of her being screamed for her to run.
She wanted them to be like they were in the photos, all smiles and no pain.
But then it wouldn't be real.
Sarah sighed. If they were really together now, why did they still have to lie to everyone else in Chuck's life?
As she heard another peal of laughter break out from the living room, Sarah wished for the millionth time that she could go back and do things over. Do things right.
From her seat Sarah has the vantage point and sees him approach long before he sees her. There was something about him, and she wasn't the only one to notice it. A few patrons sneak a glance as he passes them by. He has the confident swagger of a free man.
"Hello darlin'!" He exudes charm as he kisses her on both cheeks and takes a seat across from her.
Grabbing the menu off the table, he gives it only the most casual of glances before confidently declaring, "Looks good. Let's eat!"
Sarah smiled wryly. "You look good," she admits.
He shrugged. "Well, life's pretty good when you're not in prison," he teased, winking at her. "Come on, enough about me." He checked his watch, causing it to flash in the sun. Sarah had never seen it before but it looked expensive. "Tell me what you've been up to these last few months. We've got what? Thirty minutes before you have to head back to the office?"
"My job is pretty flexible," she offered vaguely. She looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I meant to visit when you first got out but it's been hectic."
He arched his brows but she didn't offer any more. Eventually he shrugged it off.
"So what have you been up to since you got out?" she asked, trying decisively to steer the conversation back on track.
He shrugged, not giving up so easily. "Not much."
Sarah smiled. She liked a challenge. "You're not still conning people are you?"
Her father looked her straight in the eye. "No, angel-hair, you've made an honest man out of me." It was the mark of a real conman to be able to pull it off with such conviction.
Sarah sighed. "I know about Morgan Grimes," she said, keeping the tone of her voice remarkably neutral.
The man's smile fell. "Oh," he said. But even caught red-handed, he didn't look too remorseful.
"Yeah," Sarah said, crossing her arms. "You're going to give that money back in full. And then you're going to apologize to that man. And then you're going to return all the money from all the other people you've conned."
He looked as if Sarah had just threatened to rob him of house and home.
"Darlin'—"
"Don't try to sweet talk out of this one. Do you want to go back to prison?"
Her father pulled a sour face. "Why do you have to say it like that? There's other options."
"No." She's hard line about it this time, there is no middle ground. "You will go back to prison. I will personally make sure of it."
The man leaned back in his seat and grumped. "You're no fun, darlin'"
Sarah couldn't even be bothered to smile. The last few weeks he'd put them through had been hell on her.
"Fine, fine," he said when she didn't shed her frosty demeanour. "I'll give it all back." He didn't look too pleased with the ultimatum but he had little choice.
When their drinks arrived, he raised his glass. "To my daughter and that lucky schnook," he declared, changing the conversation to something more light-hearted.
Sarah freezes. For a second she thinks Chuck's recovered his memories but it makes no sense. Why would he be conned by someone he recognized? As if to explain, her father points to the ring on her finger.
"It is to the schnook, right?"
Sarah absent-mindedly twists the band around. "Yes, of course," she replies, hastily trying to cover her tracks.
Her father grunts. "Would have been nice if he asked for my permission first. I would have agreed. He's a good kid."
Sarah wondered if this was really the best way to tell him about Chuck's operation. She's still not sure Chuck's ready to be introduced to him.
"What's wrong? Cold feet?" Her father smiled at her. "It's okay if you're having second thoughts. Not too late." He wagged a finger at her. "Don't do something you'll just end up regretting for the rest of your life."
Sarah shook her head. "Come on," he pried. "You can't put one over your old man."
"No," she insisted. "No regrets."
His smile twisted into a lop-sided grin. "Come on, if you could go back and do things over, there's got to be something."
Sarah sighed. She definitely gets her pessimism from her father. Even after all these years with Chuck, her father's still not convinced it will last. In his eyes, nothing was forever.
Except perhaps a life sentence.
She was the same way until Chuck finally got through to her. She may not believe in forever, but she believed in 'til death and that was pretty close to.
Her father misreads her silence as an affirmation. "Ahh...see? You do have regrets."
Forced to confront her past, Sarah recalls a pattern of missed opportunities and wasted time. She cringes when she thinks back to all the years she'd thrown away; the two of them dancing around each other with all the pretenses of their covers, how she'd run off just when things were getting serious, allowing Chuck to go through with the surgery and having to start at square one....
"Darlin'?"
Sarah stirred from her thoughts. "Nothing."
He looked incredulous. "What do you mean nothing?"
"Nothing," she repeated. "If I could go back and change things, I still wouldn't change a thing. Things are good the way they are. We're happy. I'm happy."
He raised his brows and gave her a strange look. It wasn't a term either of them was familiar with. Happiness usually only came in short and fleeting bursts, followed by long periods of paranoia, fear and uncertainty but lately she was getting used to having it as a permanent fixture.
Finally her father smiled approvingly. "I'm glad. No one deserves it more than you."
She's not sure what compels her but she grabs his hand and holds onto it.
"Come over for dinner tonight. I want Chuck to meet you."
He's as resistant to forming attachment as she once was. "Darlin'" he sighs. "I've already met him."
Sarah gives a half-hearted smile. "He doesn't remember you."
"I'm hurt," he deadpanned.
"I'm not joking, Dad. He has amnesia." There. She'd said it.
Her father leaned forwards in the seat, grinning wide as a Cheshire cat. "No kiddin'".
She could already see the gears turning in his head. "Don't," she warned. "Don't do anything to confuse him or scare him away."
He laughed. She knew him too well.
"He's the one, Dad." Just saying the words made it impossible to hold a frown. She was trying to maintain the somber mood but the smile on her face was ruining everything. "He's the one and unless you want some stranger to walk me down the aisle, you are going to behave."
The man grew very quiet but it wasn't enough for her. "I'm serious. I've never asked for anything my whole life. This is thirty birthday gifts and Christmas presents all wrapped in one." She held up her index finger. One thing. Just one thing.
"Please," she said. "All I'm asking is for you to be my father." It's not the right words to say, but she gets the message across. He winces at little, but there's no resentment in his eyes. He knows he deserves it.
Feeling slightly sorry for her old man, Sarah eases off. "At least until the wedding?"
Her father winked at her, a smile slowly curling on his lips. She knew him way too well. "'course, darlin'."
Sarah's lying in bed, idly flipping through one of Chuck's picture books (comic books, he calls them), having long abandoned any romantic hopes and changed into one of his t-shirts for the evening, when the door finally opens.
Chuck walks in sheepishly with his head held low. "Sorry," he mumbles as he shuts the door quietly behind him. "Long meeting."
Sarah tosses the comic aside and pulls apart the cover, making room for him. He jumps in and she's taken aback by the kind of kiss he draws her into, having given up on the evening altogether.
Suddenly she wishes she hadn't combed out her hair; that she'd stayed in the dress and not this unflattering old shirt, but then he pulls her close and she can't be bothered with anything other than figuring out how to get rid of the last shreds of material separating them from one another.
When they finally break apart, Sarah feels as if the room is spinning. Her heart beats so quickly it makes it hard for her to think. "Must have been one heck of a meeting," she teases, struggling to catch her breath.
Chuck rolls his eyes. "You have no idea."
Sarah pulls him close, drowning in the scent of him. She revels in this reversal of fortune. A weight feels like it's been lifted off of her chest and for a second she forgets all the sadness and frustration of the past few months.
She celebrates prematurely though, and when Chuck recalls their previous conversation, she has to act fast to stop him from ruining the moment altogether.
"Please don't," she begs, her voice split between a desperate moan and a hoarse whisper. She places a finger to his parted lips, swearing she would smother him in a kiss if he went any further.
"Please..." She meets his gaze and holds nothing back this time. She allows him read her soul as if it were his own, so he'd know what he meant to her, how deeply she regretted all of this, how she would take it all back in a second if she could.
Chuck blinked, and when he gazed again at her, his eyes were as warm as the rays of the sun. There's no wariness or uncertainty to the way he regards her, and he lays out his soul like an open book, putting his heart out on the line for her...again.
Sarah felt as if they shared something through that simple look that some couples could never with all the words in the dictionary.
"I just need you to be sure," he said. "I don't want you to regret anything."
Sarah licks her lips. This was the moment she'd been waiting for; the perfect time to tell him everything. How she really felt, how sorry she was—
Just answer the question.
Chuck watched her carefully, waiting for her to speak.
"No regrets," she said. Short and simple. And that was all he needed to know, because she was never good with words anyway.
Chuck nodded slowly like he understood. And even though he looks like he still wants to say more, he stops himself and just rests his forehead against hers, giving in to her request for silence.
"Thank you," she whispered, and rewarded him with a long, attentive kiss. Thank you. Thank you. A million times thank you.
"Is Casey still here?"
Chuck leaned away from her, a look of confusion on his face. "What?" He sounded a little disturbed to hear the name of the colonel mentioned here and now of all places. "No...he went home."
"Good." Sarah grinned. "And Carmen?"
The strange look on Chuck's face only deepened."In the kitchen."
Sarah's grin grew wider. "Even better."
Now Chuck was really worried. "Why?"
Sarah shrugged as she manoeuvred herself so that she had him right where she wanted. "You know, Carmen seems to be taking this whole pretend girlfriend thing a little too seriously," she said as her fingers marched across Chuck's chest. She kissed him playfully, teasing him with her tongue. "And I just figured I'd let her know how it was really done."
Chuck's eyes widened and he gulped. "H-how?"
Sarah just smiled a devilish smile. Saying nothing, her hands were already slowly tugging on the ties around his robe.
Sometimes it was better to show than tell.
.
i keep breaking rules in this second set. If anyone noticed, the "then" aspect took place after LDN and not before. =P
Coming up next...Chuck/Sarah vs Great Expectations. Yes, it's both chuck and sarah's POV's so i'm breaking another rule. And no, it has nothing to do with the book. i'm just too lame to think of a better title.
Thanks for reading!