I don't own Twilight or any of the characters. Stephanie Meyer does and she probably doesn't like me screwing with them.

The sound of an annoying ass hair dryer woke me up. Rose kept fucking dropping something and it was making a hell of a lot of noise. Then I heard giggling. Then I heard an 'oh stop it' followed by more giggling.

Fucking horny assed teenagers.

I threw back my toasty down comforter and slid gracelessly out of bed. It was ALWAYS too fucking early for this. I wrenched open my bedroom door and there stood Rose and Emmett, wrapped around one another, a blow dryer hanging limply from Rose's hand. I couldn't tell what the other was wrapped around, but judging by the half dazed look on his face, it was his dick.

"What did we say?" I asked, all The Devil Wears Prada quiet.

Rose sheepishly wiped her mouth and looked over at me. Her eyes all squinty like she was trying to recall the square root of Pi. Emmett on the other hand had his other hand shoved up the back of her little bath towel wrap robe thing. I almost saw ass cheek.

"What did we say?" I asked again.

Rose pinched her lips together to stop a smile. "We agreed that you wouldn't get a perm." She gestured towards my hair which was currently pointing in the same direction of Emmett's dick – straight up. I'd gone to bed with it wet, what can you expect?

I shook my head.

"But we were being quiet." Her voice was extremely annoying when I was half asleep, half hungover, and half horny.

"No you weren't. What were you fucking doing anyway? It sounded like remodeling."

"I was trying to get ready." Trying being the operative word there.

"Right, well, my twat was getting the Royal Treatment from Prince Hot Ginge, but you so totally fucked that one up for me. So now I'm fucking awake," I glanced at my alarm clock, "Eighteen minutes before I'm supposed to be and I'm horny as fucking hell."

Rosalie tried to look sympathetic and apologetic, but Emmett's current fondling left her looking like she was about to seize. He was sucking on her neck. I was a little jealous.

"I could help you Swan," he murmured into her collarbone, "And if you won't let me, I know Yorkie will."

"Thanks for the tempting offer, but I would rather walk around with a bad case of violet vulva. Now please, give me sixteen more minutes of peace."

I made it back to my bed, but never back to sleep. There was a throb that I was just too tired and aggravated to twiddle away. I just laid there staring at the crappy popcorn ceiling until my cell phone alarm started to go off.

I managed a shower and my hair and getting dressed in a decent amount of time. The two lovebirds had managed to stop sticking it in each other long enough for Rose to get dressed and primped. They both sat chastely holding hands and staring expectantly at me.

"What?" I asked, bitchy for no real reason.

They just smiled and shook their heads.

"Are we ready to go? I really need some coffee." I grabbed my notebook and purse. Emmett slid something inside.

"What was that?" I asked as we walked out into the hall, door closing smoothly behind us.

"Just a gift," he shrugged, all dimples and shit.

I squinted hard at him.

"Why are you giving me a gift?"

"It's nothing really. I swear. I just thought you'd like it."

I looked at Rose and she shrugged, her blonde hair pooling perfectly across over her shoulders.

I fished out said 'gift'. It was a flask. A sterling silver flask. I looked up at him and he was grinning excitedly.

"A flask?" I sounded incredulous. Kind of the way you would if your mom gave you a box of condoms. Like all, 'Why mom, I'm not a slut? I don't even have sex', when you both know you are and you do.

Emmett rolled his pretty blue eyes. "Hell yeah, look at the engraving."

I shook it a little. It had something in it for sure; I could hear a sloshing sound. They got extra gift giving points if it was good vodka.

I flipped it over in my hands and on the other side, in small block letters, read Tolerance Juice.

I laughed out loud.

"It's perfect," I hugged him around his big, thick neck, "But you still can't have sex in front of me when I'm sober."

"Well, it was worth a shot you cockblocking cunt."

----------

I'd already emptied my new juice box by lunch. It only held about four ounces or so, so I would just consider that pregame for this weekend's festivities. It was Friday and I was headed to Emmett's as soon as school got out. My bags were packed and I could feel debauchery in my future.

I met Rose in the hall as usual and we made our way into the cafeteria. Emmett was already sitting at our table talking to Yorkie. My shoulders rounded and my eye actually twitched as we walked over to where they were.

"Bella, my sweet, how I've missed your taste. I'm looking to reliving our special night soon." He attempted to sound sexy and his tongue made a slow sweep of his upper lip. I fought a gag, but still retched a little. Emmett laughed at my expense and I made a mental note to slip him a roofie or something.

"Go jack off in a corner, Eric. If I wanted to relive our special night, I'd just let a Chihuahua loose on my vagina. Now go fucking sit down somewhere else." I yanked out a chair and plopped myself down.

"So you'll admit what we had was special. This is real progress, ma belle."

"No, what I'll admit is that your cunnilingus skills are seriously fucked up and completely ineffective. And for you, real progress would be if you were able to eat someone out without forcing them to consider becoming a nun."

"Bella," Emmett chided, "Play nice."

"I am. If I weren't, he'd be holding an ice pack to the spot his dick used to hang from."

I watched Eric pale visibly and walk away. Then I turned an evil eye on Emmett.

"Don't encourage that shit Em. He fucking makes me want to like stop bathing and grow a unibrow in hopes he'd leave me the hell alone," I shook with disgust. Rosalie reprimanded him, but it sounded more like verbal foreplay.

"Are you eating?" I asked Rosalie.

"I'm just going to eat something off of Emmett's plate."

"Will you get me like some extra fries or something?" I asked him. "I'm going to go refill my juice box." I grinned and patted the breast pocket of my blazer.

Rosalie pushed her purse over to me and I headed for the bathroom.

I walked into the girls' room and there were a few day schooler's in some sort of huddle. I thought maybe I'd walked in on the female version or a circle jerk, but as soon as I heard crying, I decided it must have been something else.

I eyed the group warily, but had no desire to get involved. I sidestepped into the stall and began the very tedious process of refilling the silver flask. The hole was rather small and the small bottle of 151 Rose had hidden away in her purse had a large opening. In order to not spill it all over myself and smell like I'd bathed in liquor, I had to pour really slowly.

"I fucking hate him," I heard the crying girl exclaim, "I fucking loved him."

Boy trouble. I put the bottle to my lips and took a shot for her and her shitty heartbreak.

Ok, so maybe it was really for me and the fact that I had to sit in here and listen to her shitty heartbreak sobfest.

Stop judging me.

"He gives me the best five months of my life, not to mention the best sex of my life," my ears perk at the sex part, "and now he gives me the whole it's not you, it's me bullshit." I wanted to laugh. Boys were such assholes.

"I think you're confusing love and lust my dear," another voice whispered, which caused Crybaby to snort and blow her nose.

"There is no way I will ever get fucked like that again. He played me like an instrument. There is no confusion there."

Mee-ow. What's this newly single guy's name?

I licked the little dribbles off of the side of the flask. Remember what the housekeeper lady said on 101 Dalmatians… waste not want not. I took a quick swig for the road and closed everything up before flushing the toilet for effect.

I crept out of the stall and over to the sinks to wash my hands. The circle of girls had opened a little and I could make out Leah Cleary or Clearbright or Clearwhatever's shiny black hair. She caught me looking and cut her eyes.

"What are you looking at?"

I just shrugged my shoulders and looked back in front of me. I'd learned my lesson long ago not to mess with mentally unstable bitches if it could be avoided. And Leah was a little wild eyed at the moment. I smeared on a little lip gloss and walked back out.

"Mission accomplished," I smiled as I returned Rose's purse. I grabbed the paper basket of french fries off of Em's tray and emptied a few packets of ketchup.

"You need to eat something to sop up some of that liquor. I can fucking smell it in your pores," Rose bitched. I lifted my arm to my nose and the strong oaky smell of the 151 I'd just been pouring greeted me.

"I must have spilled some on me."

"Yeah, no, it is on your breath something heavy," Emmett confirmed, turning his head away from me and shoving my fries closer to me.

The fast acting miracle that is Bacardi 151 was kicking in. I shoved fistfuls of fries in my mouth because fuck knows I didn't need to be stumbling drunk. Maybe I got too carried away, but between whatever was in the flask when it was delivered by my alcoholic fairy friends and the few shots of rum I'd taken in the bathroom, I was well on my way to sloppy.

I always seem to forget the potency of high proof liquor.

"So, we're meeting at my house at like four. Jasper is bringing the goods and we're just going to see where things go from there. There is a possibility of a bonfire down at the shore," he leaned into us and whispered all covert and whatnot. He was always so paranoid that the Horde would find out and show up ready to party. "You driving yourself, Swan?"

I nodded and gave him a slow thumbs up.

"You better buck up lady. I don't want to deal with your pathetic ass until much later."

The lunch bell rang, dismissing us back to our classes.

"Come on lightweight," Rose offered her arm, "You better straighten up. You know Banner can smell under-aged drunkenness from a mile away." I stood straighter and walked on lazy legs towards my Biology class. She pushed me through the door and swatted my ass.

I walked back to my seat near the back of class and proceeded to press my flushed cheeks to the cool slab of the lab table. I heard the grating sounds of the stools being pulled out as people filtered into class. Mr. Banner's voice boomed as he walked into the room, calling us all to order.

I sat up and tried to ignore the woozy spinning. He went right into lecture and I pretended to take studious notes. I think I was really just drawing loopy renditions of penises and birds.

Why? I have no idea. You do fucked up shit when you're drunk.

Remember Britney's Head Shaving Extravaganza?

'Nuff said.

Not far into our lecture on Whothehellknowsology, Mr. Banner sent us out to collect something from the small creek that ran by the building. So the classroom slowly, and less than enthusiastically, trekked out into the humidity and mire. I walked carefully behind a group of girls and hoped I wasn't too obvious.

They were talking about Leah and her breakup.

My drunken curiosity was piqued. I wanted to know more about this Edward and his dick of many talents.

From what I could gather while eavesdropping and attempting not to go face first into the murky creek, Leah was more pissed than heartbroken. Apparently, she was plotting some sort of public humiliation and was trying to convince some of her friends to jump Edward at a gas station.

It all sounded really classy to me.

After the precarious collection of a water sample, we were heading straight back to class. Banner shuffled us into groups and I was unhappily paired with Felix Payne and my most favorite STD carrier, Tyler Crowley.

One of two things were going to happen as a result of our fortuitous pairing. I would be expelled for maiming Tyler with a Bunsen burner after he groped my ass or I would be expelled for underage drinking.

I decided to take the pacifist route and took a covert swig from my flask. There was no way my nerves or Tyler would come out of this alive if I went unassisted.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Tyler purred as he got all up on me, "When are we going to get together again? I'm getting bored with these other girls. You were such a challenge."

"Since when did you like a challenge?" I asked, flipping my hair over one shoulder, stepping out from in front of his STD farm and smiling sweetly. "You always seemed to like the easy type. You know, the ones who don't even bother getting up off of their knees in between Johns."

He laughed heartily and poor Felix just shuffled around and busied himself with a microscope and slides.

"You're a hellcat, Bella Swan." I turned to look at him and fought the urge to gag as he ran his tongue over his bottom lip.

"And you're a medical miracle, Tyler Crowley. All of those STDs and your dick is still attached," I smiled smartly at him and looked back to Felix, "So, Felix, tell me what you've got."

I spent the following hour holding myself up as to not lose an eye to the microscope lens and keeping the less than deterred Crowley out from underneath my skirt.

Minutes before the bell, Banner let us clear our tables and wait for our dismissal. I pulled my Blackberry out of my bag and texted Rose.

Am drunk. Cannot drive.

I waited for her response.

Shit. Emmett and I skipped. Already at his place.

I cursed under my breath and replied.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can hardly fucking stand up.

You're texting well enough.

Years of practice.

You're the idiot who got fucking sloshed. Let me see what Emmett can work out. Just be aware-you're twatblocking. I have half a mind to let you sleep it off there.

I waited impatiently for her to arrange for alternate transportation. Finally the bell rang and I slipped out of the classroom as inconspicuously as possible. My last class of the day, P.E., would have to miss me this fine Friday afternoon because there was no way I would be able to participate in any physical activity. I ninja stalked through the halls and luckily made it to the dorms with no interference.

I fell onto my unmade bed and fought against the spinning in my head. I flipped on the TV and found a rerun of Flipping Out. I giggled at Jeffrey and Zoila's antics until a buzzing sound erupted from my purse. I fished out my cell and opened Rose's text.

There was a picture of an old green pimp mobile, a rag top land yacht from the like 70s. I squinted hard and scrolled down to the message.

Jasper will bring you here. This is his car. Be in the lot at 3:00 or he'll leave your ass.

-----

I looped my arm through my leather duffel bag and hobbled out into the freckled sunlight. I referred back to the picture of my ride.

I snorted a little when its fabulousness graced my screen, like I'd miss that heap amid the automotive gems that filled the parking lot. It wasn't long before I saw a car turn into the long drive. And, like something out of a bad movie, I heard the car before I got a good look at it. The deep rumble of its engine and the light squeak of the shocks further alerted me to its approach.

If I really thought I could pass a sobriety test, I'd have traipsed right over to my Volvo and gotten the fuck out of Dodge. But seeing as I was currently struggling to stay upright, I decided to stay put. Jasper and his death trap could drive me to Forks.

The last bell rang as the car wound up the road leading to the private lot and the Day Schoolers started to filter out. I fidgeted impatiently and dreaded having other people see me getting into the Green Goblin. It didn't say much for my taste in cars or chauffeurs.

Bold silver letters stretched across the front of the vehicle as it rolled to a stop in front of me.

Continental

"You Bella?" A blonde guy asked from inside of the car.

I nodded. "You Jasper?"

He nodded. "You and your stuff can go in the back seat." He jerked his thumb behind him and looked back towards the dash, effectively dismissing me.

I tried not to go into bitch mode once I was relegated to the back seat. Jasper could thank the alcohol in my system for that. I reached for the door handle and met air. I looked down and realized the handle was on the wrong side.

Fucking Suicide Doors.

I snatched open the door and threw my bag in before sliding in along side it. I heard an oof from inside and I jerked my head in the direction of the noise.

There, stretched lazily across the putrid green leather upholstery was another hobo. He was wearing worn out jeans and a t-shirt. He had a baseball cap pulled low over his eyes and he didn't even look up at me.

I muttered some half-assed apology for abusing him with my luggage as I carefully moved along the bench seat, avoiding getting tetanus from the scary interior. The heavy doors slammed closed and I wrapped the seatbelt across my middle and snapped it.

We just sat there. Jasper looking straight ahead and Hobo covering his face and quivering against the door.

"So… we just going to stay here?" I asked, my voice lazy.

"We've got to pick someone else up," Jasper replied casting his eyes at me from the rearview mirror.

Hobo just sighed heavily, hand still over his face, and kicked the back of Jasper's seat. I quirked an eyebrow, but just slipped in my earbuds and cranked up my iPod.

I was out of your league
And you were 20,000 underneath the sea
Waiving affections
You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Down to the bottom

My head leaned itself against the glass and I was miraculously comfortable. I was on the frayed edges of drunk and really wanted to get the hell out of here. Away from HoboBoy and his sidekick Mr. 'Get In the Backseat.' But we sat. And we waited. And HoboBoy fidgeted and Mr. Get In the Backseat kept looking at me from the rearview mirror.

I closed my eyes and willed myself not to fall asleep. I needed to be on my toes in the event that the Green Monster drove me out into the woods somewhere. I know Emmett arranged this little soiree, but he has been known to associate with some shady characters. A sudden and jarring rap on the glass against my ear forced me upright.

My eyes squinted into the filtered sunlight and there on the other side of the window was Leah Clearwhatever. She didn't look happy. At all.

I tugged the earbuds from my ears and looked at her confused. Why in the hell would she be looking at me like that? My answer came quickly.

"You fucking bitch," she screeched and the doors came open, "You fucking bitch. You are the reason he … Are you fucking him?" She was moving quickly and talking fast and loud and my sluggish brain was struggling to keep up. I leaned back as she tried to grab my arm.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

She scoffed indignantly and pointed behind me.

"Are. You. Fucking. Him?" She slowed it down and enunciated and I was grateful because I wasn't exactly running on all six cylinders. I looked at HoboBoy who was now sitting up and had taken his hand off of his face. He was staring back at me with wide, saucer shaped eyes.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked and his mouth flapped like a guppy.

"Oh, you skank," Leah roared, "It's not enough for you to have every guy in this place. You've got to go and open your cunt to the rest of the male population." She was waiving and flailing her arms around extra crazy and I was getting embarrassed. The rest of the school was making its way outside and they were apparently enjoying the show.

"I don't even fucking know this guy," I defended, "Jasper is picking me up to take me to Emmett's house. Not that it's any of your business."

Finally Jasper piped up.

"Leah, please get in the car. Bella is hitching a ride. She has nothing to do with Edward."

And then it dawned on me. HoboBoy was the guy with the magic stick. He was the reason for all of the female bonding and male bashing. I turned a keen eye on him.

Good looking.

Nice jawline.

Green eyes.

Overall fuckable.

If I went the way of the less fortunate.

And I didn't.

But I might make an exception if his Cock of Many Wonders could make me sing like Maria on the Sound of Music.

Leah got in the car and slammed the door closed. I cringed and put in my earbuds in a feigned attempt to show my disinterest.

The truth was that I was really quite interested in what was going on, but no one was offering up explanations to the halfway drunk girl in the backseat.

The remainder of the trip back to Forks was tense to say the least.

After the initial outburst and door slamming, there was very little to observe. There were a few heated glances between Edward and Leah; Leah initiating, Edward cowering in fear beside me. Jasper kept sending furtive glimpses back to us and screwed with the ancient radio.

As soon as the Lincoln pulled up to a nondescript red brick house, Leah bolted out of her seat and started around to Edward's side of the car. He had no idea what was coming because his head was still hung in shame.

"Edward, lock your door," I blurted, "She's coming for you." My voice was laced with panic and you'd have thought I'd smoked out with all of the paranoia. But I could tell this bitch was serious.

She was out for blood.

Hobo blood.

Edward's eyes shot open and his hand came down over the lock with a slap. "Jasper, drive," he squeaked.

"Yeah, go man." I shrieked, pounding my hands on the leather seat. I was kind of scared she'd pull me out with him in her bitch fit. He looked like the kind that would grab me and use me for a human shield.

Jasper made no move to pull the car out of her driveway. Instead, he coolly twisted the knob to roll down the driver's side window.

"Leah," he said with perfect calm, "What are you doing?" She just snapped her head in his direction as she clawed at the door handle. She sort of looked like one of those freaky zombies on 28 Days Later. I shuddered and wrenched out my flask, tipping it back and praying for its fast action.

"This motherfucker owes me an explanation and an apology," she screeched, eyes wild, black hair whipping in the breeze. I looked over at Edward and he had resumed the fetal position, now adding in manic rocking.

"Leah, I'm pretty sure he explained himself the other night. Let's just let it go."

"I'm not letting it go, Jasper."

"You really need to. You're starting to look a little Fatal Attraction from where I'm sitting."

"A little…Fuck, she's giving Glenn Close a run for her money." I scoffed under my breath. Edward turned his head to me and let out a tiny breath before closing his hands back over his face.

Leah started to ramble on about the same shit I'd already heard twice today and Jasper cut her off.

"Listen Leah, no one is going to be interested in you if you keep up this crazy act. Just cut your losses. It's over. He made that clear last night, now move on. I hope you have a nice weekend." He smiled sincerely and started to roll up the window and back out of her drive.

I swallowed thickly and looked back and forth between Jasper and his crazy friend. Neither talked and I didn't make any effort to fill the painfully awkward silence.

"I told you not to pick her up," Edward muttered from his corner. His voice was low and strained but still pleasant.

"I can't help it that I'm a nice guy. She didn't have a ride."

Jasper looked at me and I started to think maybe they were talking about me. I started to get pissed off that this dude was being a douche because I'd been present for his near castration. I was the one who saved him from that, did he not recall my act of selfless bravery?

"Yes she did you idiot. She just wanted to get in the car and screw with me. Mission accomplished. I was terribly uncomfortable and now I've got a headache," he gruffed and rolled down his window.

"You'll have to excuse my brother Bella, he is an asshole." Jasper smiled at me from over his shoulder. So they were brothers… interesting.

"Again, I am not the asshole in this situation." He was whining and readjusting his baseball cap neurotically. He halfway took it off, ran a hand under it and tugged it back on, over and over. Grumbling the entire time about Jasper's advice and stupid women.

Finally, after watching the strangely attractive, but altogether strange Edward spazz out over feeling awkward, we made it to Emmett's. Rose was perched in Em's lap as they sat in a rocker on the front porch. I threw the door open and skittered out, bags in hand.

"Thanks Jasper," Emmett boomed from the porch, "You and your brother coming over later?"

"Yeah probably," Jasper called back.

"No I'm not," Edward replied, "I'm not hanging out with you social misfits."

I turned back to look at him as he climbed out of the car and got into the front seat. He was tall and thin, but his face was sour and judgmental. He flopped into the car and slammed the doors closed like an irritable child.

I decided right then that Edward was indeed a whiny asshole. And pretty couldn't fix that.

I'll go ahead and thank you in advance for all of your reviews. *wink wink*

Let me know if you're enjoying it. I'm trying to keep things fresh. Let me know if it's working!!