The weeks passed slowly, and Moritz had learned to put his doubts and worries about the feelings he was suffering to the back of his mind, as his worries about the state of his educational life consumed him.
"Herr Steifel, I trust you are aware that middle terms commence in little under a week?" Moritz merely nodded, too petrified to properly converse with his teacher, Herr Sonnenstitch. The man towered above him, glaring over his moustache. "Have you begun your studies to prepare for the examination?"
"Y-yes, Herr Sonnenstitch. I have been studying late every night." Moritz was unsure, but he could have almost sworn that the man looked disappointed at this news.
"Very well," he smiled, and Moritz felt the fear rise in the pit of his stomach "We shall see. You are dismissed." He walked over to the door, and held it open grimly. Moritz ran out of the room as quickly as was acceptable, and carried on running in desperation to leave the schoolhouse. In his haste, he ran into Melchior, who was standing at the end of the corridor leading to door. Moritz knocked Melchior off his feet, and landed heavily on top of him. They both stared at each other in shock, Melchior's breath coming in pants. Moritz felt like a rabbit cornered by a hunter, too scared to move, but knowing it would end in pain if he didn't.
"Oh, Melchi, I'm sorry!" He shifted off him, rolling onto the floor next to him. "Are you alright?"
"Fine." Melchior sat up, dusting himself down. He got to his feet and offered Moritz a hand to pull him up. When they were eye to eye, Melchior spoke again. "I haven't seen you properly in almost two weeks. What have you been doing?"
"Studying, Melchi. If I d-don't pass the middle terms, I don't know what will happen." Melchior nodded, though he seemed distracted.
"I've missed you is all, Moritz. Why don't you ask your parents if you can stay at my house on Friday? My parents are away to Berlin for the night at a wedding, I'm sure they would be – comforted, shall we say – to know I wasn't alone in the house." Moritz nodded, and promised he would ask his parents.
--
"Moritz, darling, is that you?" His mother bustled into the hall, flour smeared over her apron. "The Gabor's have asked if you'd be able to stay with Melchior on Friday night. He is apparently reluctant to go with them, and they don't want to leave the house unattended, not with those gypsies from Priapia hanging around town." Moritz nodded. "Moritz? Are you feeling quite well?" She lifted his head as if she was inspecting an apple she had been given. "You look tired. What have you been doing with yourself?"
"Studying, Mama. Middle terms start soon."
"Oh yes. Well. Try your hardest, dear. You know what your father's like." Her jaw tensed. "Perhaps Melchior will help you with your studies; he is such a good student." Moritz nodded.
"May I go to my room Mama? I have homework."
"Yes, yes, go. Your father will be home late tonight, so it will just be the two of us for dinner."
"Yes, Mama."
--
Friday came around quickly, although Moritz was sure he had never felt so exhausted. Some nights had passed with no sleep, not only from his heavy and pressured work load, but because, much to his despair, the dreams had returned, more explicit and haunting than ever. The dreams confused him more than any Latin ever had done.
"And then you subtract the – Moritz, are you listening?" Moritz had managed to tune out Melchior's instructions, however foolish that might be. "Moritz, what's the matter?" He thought for a moment. "Dreams again?" Moritz blushed, and Melchior smiled. "Moritz, it was all explained in the essay, its nothing to worry abo-"
"But-but what if the d-dream was abo-abo-about a.." Melchior sighed, getting weary of his best friends constant uncertainty.
"About what?" Moritz took a deep breath, steadying himself.
"A-another b-boy."
"Moritz, just because I didn't mention it in the essay..it doesn't mean.." He blinked for a moment, as if he was trying to work out the best response. "It happens. Our society rejects it and condemns it as unnatural, but surely love, if such a thing exists, is the most natural thing in the world?" Moritz looked unconvinced. "And besides, curiosity is a natural human instinct. We can have thoughts and feelings without having to act upon them." Moritz nodded, still unsure. "Moritz, just because you have these dreams doesn't mean you're.."
"A homosexual?" Melchior nodded.
"It's all about balance between what you subconsciously desire, and what you really want."
"But..but, what if- I mean, surely it's-it's possible to have these feelings and to truly want it? Hanschen? Ernst?" Melchior snorted.
"Hanschen is a pervert. I've seen the way he leers at Bobby. And Ernst-well. I'm not quite sure what to make of him."
"So, just feeling this way is-is-"
"Natural. Moritz, everyone has doubts, I myself-"
"You?"
"When you're constantly surrounded by boys, Moritz, and never talk to girls, sometimes you doubt, you wonder. But that's all it is. Don't let it- upset you, Ritzy." Moritz smiled; Melchi hadn't called him that for years. "I worry about you sometimes, you know. Ever since school started, you've been so tired all the time, so anxious."
"I should really be going-"
"You're staying the night here."
"Oh. Oh, yes, of course. What time is it?"
"A little after 10. Can we go to bed soon?" He stood up from his chair in a hurry, walking over to the door. "I'm just going to brush my teeth-" He tripped over a loose edge of the carpet, and tripped, falling onto his chest. "Oh God."
"Moritz are you alrigh-"
"No I'm not alright! I just fell over, making an utter idiot of myself, I'm studying for exams I'm going to fail for sure, and I'm having feelings about my best friend that I couldn't even begin to understand and I can never act upon them because it's against the law, I'll be outcast, lynched and labled a monster by my father." He rushed out, unable to hold it back anymore. He gasped, shocked by his own words. "Oh, oh Melchi, I didn't – I don't – I mean.."