Sheppard had geared up and now stood on the balcony where he and Elizabeth did most of their thinking. Or rather, had done most of their thinking. That wasn't going to happen today, or any day soon if the IOA kept refusing to discuss his requests to go after her.

The view was different on the new planet, but just a breath taking and as calming at the one he had become so familiar with back on Lantea. The waves glistened around them, the sea barely moving in the tranquil atmosphere. This morning it looked like a Utopian paradise, if you forgot about the snakes and lonospheric storms. Elizabeth would have loved this place. It was a perfect view to help you unwind and think things through. His thoughts drifted briefly to the sight of her ordering him to leave her, but he pushed the image out of his mind, unwilling to face it unless forced on him by unwanted nightmares.

What he couldn't understand was why the IOA couldn't see that the benefits of retrieving Elizabeth from the hands of the Asurans far outweighed the potential risk of the attempt. She knew too much about Atlantis and Earth, and the longer she remained their captive, the more unlikely it was she would be able to hold out against them. He suspected they thought she was already lost, but he knew the Asurans were too smart to waste a tactical advantage that way. She was still alive; he was certain of that now, but in what condition?

The space beside him felt like a gaping canyon, the energy of her presence conspicuous by its absence. They would never find anyone capable of completely filling Elizabeth's shoes, no matter who the IOA sent out to join them on Atlantis. Elizabeth had made it her business to get to know everyone in that city, to learn their strength and weaknesses, their likes and dislikes; that kind information took a long time to gather. And who was going to rein him in the way she did? She'd always let him have his say, but then made sure he'd listened to her view, too, so they could make balanced decisions. That was her strength, and one not everyone shared. He'd been completely comfortable speaking to her, never felt the need to hold back because, above all else, he knew she respected him in a way no one else ever had. What he'd done in the past didn't matter to her. He could speak to her, and he'd always known that even if she disagreed, she would listen. He dreaded to think what misfit the IOA would choose to lead them.

He yawned, his eyes still feeling dry and heavy. He could have quite happily crawled back into bed, but the thought of what nightmares awaited him there meant he would resist the urge. Instead, he headed to the infirmary and see what Dr Keller could offer to keep him awake.

She was busy working on her laptop in her office when he got there, so engrossed in her files she didn't even hear his approach. When he cleared his throat to alert her to his presence, she almost jumped straight out of her chair.

'Oh, Colonel. You scared me,' she chuckled, pressing her hand to her chest. 'I'm sorry. Have you been waiting long?'

'No, just got here.'

She stood up, but didn't seem to know whether she should approach him or not. 'Is there something I can do for you?'

'My head's jackhammering and I feel like I need a pick-me-up...you know, something to keep me going for the mission today.'

'You're the second person to ask me for some pep pills today. I took some to Rodney in the canteen earlier. Couldn't get him away from his computer long enough to examine him here. How are you feeling?'

Sheppard stared at her, wondering just how she was pitching that question. 'I'm good...other than the headache and tiredness.'

'Are you getting much sleep?'

Her brown eyes stared back at him, wide and innocent, but no doubt masking the fact she could already tell he wasn't sleeping well. If this had been Carson asking the question, maybe he would have felt inclined to divulge his problems, but Keller...he just didn't feel able to open up to her, most likely because he was still harbouring some anger toward her because of what had happened to Elizabeth. Activating the nanites had been her idea; Rodney would never have done it if she hadn't brought the possibility to his attention. Sure, Elizabeth would have died in the infirmary that day, but at least she wouldn't have fallen into enemy hands, endangering all of them. Not that that was what bothered him most; the thought of what those replicators were doing to his friend was what kept him awake at night. But could he really be angry with the doctor? Keller's job was to save people at all costs. She'd been faced with the prospect of losing a patient and had found a solution to avoid that. That was what she had been hired to do.

Much as he wanted to tell her to stay out of his business, he knew Keller was only showing an interest in him the way any good doctor would. He had to put what she'd done behind them if they were to function together on a professional level. 'Not as much as I'd like,' he admitted, omitting the fact he was experiencing nightmares. She didn't need to know that.

'It's understandable. You've suffered a terrible loss...we all have. I understand how you feel –'

'Do you?' he heard himself snap, without even meaning to say it.

Keller pressed her lips shut, clearly unsure whether she should speak again.

Backing down, Sheppard rubbed hard circles on his temples to alleviate the pain. 'Sorry. It's this damn headache. I didn't mean to yell.'

'That's all right,' she replied, giving him a faltering smile. 'The pressure's getting to most people I know right now...' Her eyes remained fixed on his, and he could tell there was something else she wanted to say, but didn't dare. Eventually, taking a deep swallow, she spat it out. 'I think it might be an idea for you to talk your feelings through with Dr Heightmeyer...she's pretty busy right now, but I'm sure she'd find some time in her schedule to see you, you know, considering your position on Atlantis.'

Sheppard slowly counted to ten in his mind to ensure he didn't throw out his first knee-jerk reaction to that suggestion. 'It's only been three days since we lost Elizabeth and almost lost the city. I'm pretty sure it's normal to lose a little sleep over something that big.'

'It is,' she nodded emphatically. 'And the day even military personnel stop caring about losing their friends is the day they should probably give it up. Look, all I'm saying is, I can keep giving you sleeping pills and stimulants and artificially getting you through this, but you should consider whether you need a more long-term solution. Kate can offer you that.'

Sheppard figured she could tell how he felt about that idea just from the way his stance stiffened. 'I'll bare it in mind,' he mumbled, knowing he had absolutely no intention of following through on that. He'd lost enough people in his military career to know how to get himself through this.

Giving him a nervous smile, Keller scurried away to retrieved the Modofanil he needed, returning to press the pills into his waiting palm. 'You do know what happened to Elizabeth wasn't your fault, don't you?' she asked, a distinct quiver in her voice.

Not mine alone, no, he thought, but he didn't say it out loud. If Keller was comfortable with the actions she'd taken, who was he to rock her happy boat? Realising he was making her nervous with his broodiness, he tried to given her a more upbeat answer. 'Yeah, I know that,' he replied, although the sadness in his tone didn't even convince him. 'Elizabeth made the choice to act herself. The worst thing is she put herself in danger as if she thought she wasn't as important as us any more...like she was broken so it didn't matter if she died.'

Keller's mouth, normally fixed into an inane smile, drooped instantly. 'She knew the mission was dangerous, Colonel. You all put your lives on the line to save the city, and I'm sure she would have made that choice whether she felt that way or not. I'm very grateful she made that sacrifice. I doubt we would be here having this conversation if she hadn't.'

Sheppard once again bit back the urge to point out Keller had been the one to go against his orders and put Elizabeth in the situation where she was the only one with the ability to stop the Asurans, thus leaving their leader with little choice but to go on her suicide mission. 'I know that,' he replied, his voice low and quiet, but tinged with venom. 'But I still don't like leaving people behind.'

Keller's eyes widened. 'Okay...well, if you need anything else, you know where I am.' She reached out and squeezed his arm, reminding him of his dream out on the pier. He resisted the urge to shake her off, instead waiting for her to move on before throwing back his pills and heading out to the jumper bay. Hopefully they would keep him alert enough to pull this mission off to McKay's satisfaction or he'd never hear the end of it.

*****

The rest of his team were talking quietly amongst themselves when Sheppard reached the jumper, and the chatter stopped as soon as they saw him approaching. He supposed he'd been the main subject of their conversation, but didn't have the energy to ask if that was true or to feel annoyed.

'Let's go, people,' he ordered, pushing past them to stride up the rear ramp and take up the pilot seat.

Teyla slipped into the seat beside him, and from the corner of his eye, he could see her watching him intently. He hoped she wouldn't say anything, but Teyla was the type who simply couldn't help but voice her concern for her friends. 'Are you sure you are well enough to do this journey, John? You look exhausted.'

'Flying doesn't take that much effort,' he said with a shrug, 'and the meds I just got from Keller to keep me alert will kick in soon. Besides, I can rest when we get back.'

'If you are certain you can manage,' she smiled sympathetically.

'Are you kidding? I can fly this thing with my eyes closed.'

'Looking at you, I'd say that's a good thing,' Ronon quipped, giving him a broad grin.

Sheppard sighed and turned his seat to face him. 'Look, I admit I'm tired, but I'm not about to fall down just yet. I've managed with far less shut eye than this before.'

'We know you would tell us if you didn't feel able to cope,' Teyla assured him. Sheppard looked back at her, her deep brown eyes holding his gaze in a way that made him realise she wasn't talking about just the mission. It was an attempt to communicate greater concerns that she knew he wouldn't wish her to raise overtly. At least she had the insight to be tactful about it.

He nodded and got on with the job of prepping the jumper for launch. He could feel Teyla still watching him as he did it, but didn't acknowledge the fact. He wasn't ready to admit he was struggling to cope with the loss of Elizabeth just yet. They were at war, and in times of war there were always casualties. Elizabeth had given her life so others could live, and to mourn her openly would belittle that sacrifice. She'd made the choice to stay and hold the Asurans at bay long enough for his mission to be successful. He had to give the impression that he admired and appreciated the tactical advantage she'd given them, even if it actually made him angrier than he had ever felt in his life. Was he mad at Elizabeth, too? Yes, he supposed he was – mainly because he truly believed she'd considered her life forfeit because she was no longer a 'perfect' human.

He started the engines and lowered the jumper down into the gate room. The 'gate was already active and waiting for them to fly through it, the brilliance of the rippling surface making him squint as he brought the jumper to a halt before it. In his mind, Sheppard heard Elizabeth's voice say, Be safe.

He didn't need the hollow echoes of his friend's concern to tell him that. The three colleagues with him were the three people he felt closest to in the galaxy...in two galaxies, in fact. He would keep them safe at all costs, even if that meant making the same sacrifice Elizabeth had for Atlantis. He was prepared to do that for them – now more than ever.

He set the jumper in motion, breaking through the event horizon and riding the wormhole until they reached their destination. The jumper emerged from the 'gate on the other side and into deep space just outside the orbit of a planet resembling Earth. At least it appeared to have similar amounts of landmass and ocean, plus distinct polar caps that made him suddenly recall the day in Antarctica when he'd first found out about the expedition, so many years ago now.

'Okay, Rodney. Do your scanning and let's find out if there's anything down there worth our time and energy,' Sheppard called back to him.

'Already on it,' Rodney replied, his tablet now fired up and running a sensor program. Sheppard took the jumper in closer to the planet and swept the surface as they orbited, waiting for Rodney to go off like some kind of alarm with highlights of the data he was receiving.

Unfortunately, it soon became evident McKay's enthusiasm was far from bubbling over. 'I'm not picking up anything of any value. There are some constructions, but no life signs. And no power signatures whatsoever. Looks like this place is a complete waste of time.'

Sheppard sighed, though he was somewhat relieved he didn't have to get out and trek around in rough terrain and changeable. Though he was feeling livelier already, he wasn't in the mood to listen to one of McKay's incessant grumbles about rain and treacherous terrain. 'I'll make another pass to be sure we didn't miss anything, but if there's still nothing showing up we'll head back and you can spend some time fixing those systems you were talking about earlier.'

He heard McKay give a small huff in return, but then nothing more, so assumed he was continuing to study the data the scans were feeding back to him.

'Anything?' Teyla asked the scientist hopefully, raising her eyebrows.

'Nope...nada, zip and zero,' Rodney sighed, throwing himself back in his seat. 'Not even a glimmer of a power signature for us to track. This trip was a complete bust. I told you we should let someone else do this stuff.'

'All right, Rodney. Let's not get mad about this. We knew there was a good chance we wouldn't find anything before we set off, but we had to check things to know for definite,' Sheppard reminded him, turning the jumper round and heading back toward the 'gate.

'Which is exactly why I should be back on Atlantis doing something more useful,' McKay snapped, annoyed by the lack of any significant data. 'Anyone can chase rainbows, but not just anyone can get Atlantis back to its former glory.'

'Sheppard said you could stay behind,' Ronon rumbled by way of a reminder of their earlier conversation.

Sheppard noted the slight hesitation before Rodney pulled together his answer. McKay was evidently having difficulty dealing with the part he'd played in Elizabeth's loss, and his inability to express himself was leaving him increasingly frustrated and edgy...more so than usual, though if anyone had asked him before all this had happened, Sheppard would have told them that wasn't possible.

'Yes, but like I said, if you people are out here, my place is with you. We're a team, right?'

'Rodney, we are not going to die the minute you let us out of your sight, so get past it!' Sheppard snapped. Then he regretted his outburst. It wasn't fair to drag McKay's true feelings into the light like that when he was already feeling so bad, and he wished he could take it back.

The silence his comment met with told him just how embarrassed Rodney was by his revelation. McKay wasn't always good at reading other people, and he clearly hadn't thought he was being so obvious in his paranoia. 'I...I wasn't thinking that at all,' he stammered, but the quake in his voice told Sheppard he was almost choking on the denial. 'I just don't see why you guys should get all the fun while I stay behind on Atlantis and work.'

'Well, we aren't smart enough to help you,' Ronon quipped, deadpan.

The colonel felt Teyla's eyes drilling into him, but he refused to meet her gaze. He knew she was angry with him for what he'd said to Rodney, that she thought he'd been insensitive raking up the scientist's raw emotions in front of all of them. Unlike McKay, Sheppard was uncannily good at reading others – no verbal confirmation of his suspicions was required – and normally he was more tactful than to broadcast them to anyone who was listening.

'Well, I guess I was mistaken,' Sheppard said more softly. 'Look, just sit the next trip out, Rodney. I'm sure there are more essential things you can be working on back at At –'

A communication from Atlantis interrupted him before he could finish his sentence. 'Colonel Sheppard, this is Atlantis. Please respond.'

'Copy that, Atlantis. This is, Sheppard. What's the problem?'

'The away team sent to M3P 147 made a significant discovery on the planet. They're on their way back to Atlantis now, and we thought you'd want to be here to meet them,' he heard Chuck respond.

Interest piqued, he demanded more information. 'What did they find? Please tell me it's a ZPM?'

There was a pause before Chuck's voice broke through again. 'No, Sir. It's something far more significant than that. They've found Dr Weir.'