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AN:Chapter has now been re-edited thanks todihenydd!


Chapter 2: Choking from intoxication

I want you
To be
Left behind those empty walls
Taunt you
To see
From behind those empty walls

-Empty wallsby Serj Tankian


Why the hell does he have this power over me? Why can he make me do all this shit to myself?

God, he has just totally screwed my life over hasn't he?

I haven't made myself puke for a good two years, and now Emmett just had to bring him up and invite him along. Hehad to all of a sudden toss a bunch of shit in my face that I really wasn't prepared to hear at all.

I never thought that I would ever have to hear that name mentioned again, and now that I have, I feel so dirty and disgusting that I just have to clean myself out by purging.

I was so worthless.

I wonder how long he has been back. How long has Emmett been hanging out with him? Has Emmett said anything to him? Oh Shit, how much does Edward know about what happened to me?

I leant back over the toilet and prepared myself to hurl again.

NO! I am not going to let that good for nothing dick have this control over me. No one should be able to make me do things that I don't want to do, especially when they are not even around me and haven't been for 5 years.

I pushed myself away from the toilet and went to my desk to pick up my cell phone and called Alice.

"Heya Bella!" Of course, cheerful Alice as always. I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

"Hey Alice, you know how we are supposed to be going to the movie tonight?"

"Yeah,…And?"

"I don't think I am going to go."

"What! Why!"

"Well, because I just found out a lot of shit that I didn't know before, and I am pretty sure that I am not going to be able to handle it." I hissed

"What are you talking about?"

"What I am talking about is that I just found out that your cousin has been home for evidently quite some time now, and that Emmett is going to invite him to the movie tonight. There is no way I am going to go with that asshole there."

"Calm down Bella. No need to get all in a hissy fit with me. I didn't do anything."

"Yes you did! You didn't tell me that he was home. I really wasn't prepared to hear Emmett say that he has been hanging around with Edward again or that he is now going to come with us."

"Bella I haven't told you because he has only been back for like 2 weeks now, and I really didn't think we were going to start hanging out with him again. Edward hasn't really talked to me anyways, so I thought he was just going to stay away from us." I could tell that she was starting to get mad at me for yelling at her and blaming her for everything.

"I'm sorry Alice."

"It's okay. I guess you kind of have the right to be really angry right now. I mean if I were you I would be pretty pissed too. Bella, I think that you should actually start getting used to having Edward around again considering that now he is going to go to the University with us and everything."

"WHAT?!" She better have not said what I think she said.

"Oh jeez, I shouldn't have told you that."

Too late, you already did.

I started taking deep breaths to calm myself down and prevent myself from going to the bathroom again.

"Bella, it's all going to be okay"

I shook my head back and forth. How was this all going to be okay? He was going to go to the same school with me now. Great. Just fan-fucking-tastic.

Maybe we won't even end up seeing each other at school. I mean the University is kind of large, so there may be a good chance that we will never see each other. It is already bad enough that at times I run into his old "friends", but they don't even recognize me anymore which I am actually grateful for. No one from high school can really recognize me anymore, but that just makes it easier for me to just be invisible to everyone.

"Bella?" Alice interrupted my thoughts

"Yeah, sorry."

"Are you okay?"

"I think so, for now that is."

"Are you sure? You aren't going to do anything stupid are you?"

"Umm…" I prepared for what I knew was coming next

"BELLA! You did, didn't you?" Alice asked with a harsh tone which made me a little afraid of answering.

"Yes" I whispered softly hoping she didn't hear. I lowered my head into my hand and felt my eyes tear up a bit.

I felt so ashamed.

"Bella." I heard her sigh and I knew she would be shaking her head right now.

"I'm on my way over." And with that she hung up.

This should be fun. Now I get her scolding in person.

I laid down on my bed and put my arm over my face.

Okay enough of the wallowing, I only did it once and that is all I will ever do again.

I got up from the bed and headed back toward the computer to finish my work, but I don't think I really did a good job because I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing, I just did it.

"Bella" Oh joy, Alice is here.

"I'm in my room." I called back to her.

"Bella, are you okay?" Alice ran over to me and turned the chair so I was looking at her as she kneeled on the ground in front of me.

"Yes, Alice I'm fine. It was just all a shock. I couldn't take it at first, but I did stop myself before I did it again. I am pretty sure if you were me you would have had the same reaction."

"I understand," she looked up at me with concern filling her eyes.

"Alice, I just hate it." I felt myself start to tear up again. "I hate feeling so weak and worthless. I hate that he did this to me. I hate the fact that even after Edward noticed that he was ruining my life he still treated me like shit until I decided to leave school. I hate that I had to love him so much."

I was in full blown tears and sobs now and Alice just stood up on her knees and wrapped her arms around me as I cried into her.

"I know Bella, I know." I felt her tears starting to hit the top of my head. I knew that everything that happened didn't just affect me; it had affected every one of us.

"I know you don't want to hear this, but maybe it is time for both you and Edward to talk."

I pushed her away and stood up and started pacing across the room shaking my head as Alice continued.

"You guys really need to get over this. I really want everything to go back to normal the way it was. I really miss hanging out with everyone. I miss hanging out with you. Hell, I miss my cousin."

"Alice, NO! I am not going to talk to him, and you can hang out with him all you want. I am not going to stop you, but I won't be there when you do. I want nothing to do with Edward." I yelled at her.

"Come on! You don't even know if what Tanya said is true."

"Yes I do, he came up to me and practically said the same thing to me a week later. If it wasn't true how come after all of it he was a complete dick to me and he and his friends did everything possible to make my life hell for the last 3 months that I was there. I had to go through that whole term with them picking on me, calling me names like, Taco-Bella, fat lard, Izzy-belly and at times just plain old fat slut. They were constantly playing dumb ass pranks on me, like putting a couple of drops of Visine in my drink so that I would end up puking all night. I guess they figured that making myself puke wasn't enough. And…And… Edward, the only one who knew anything about me, decided to tell all his friends everythingabout me and they just used that to their advantage to make my life a living hell for me and an amusement park for them!" I was all over the place I could not stay still and yet when I looked over at Alice she was silently sitting there waiting for me to finish.

I started towards the bathroom but Alice stopped me right before I could make it that far. For such a small person she had a lot of strength. All I wanted to do was get this disgusting feeling out of my system.

"Bella, no! You are not going to start this again. I will not let you. Last time you did this you were almost hospitalized. Please don't, please. You don't need to." I could see she had tears running down her face. "You are beautiful and always have been, no matter what anyone has told you. You don't need to go make yourself vomit just to make yourself feel better. I mean you have been doing so well for two years, don't make my cousin be the reason again for you to do this to yourself."

I had stopped struggling against her and looked at her. She was right. He isn't going to make me start this again.

"You're right Alice, you're right, but you aren't right about me always being beautiful and I still am not. I mean I was fat, and nothing that you tell me is going to change that fact."

"You were never fat."

"Alice, don't give me that shit. I may have not been the fattest person ever, hell I was far from it, but I was a fucking size 14, while everyone else in that school was a size two or less. Everyone saw it, and I mean everyone. I was fine with it before. I used to be content with my weight, but once the guy who was your best friend and the one you used to be in love with, notices what everyone else has and wants nothing to do with you, you end up going to extremes." I couldn't stop the tears from pouring out my eyes yet again.

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