Just want to let you guys know that I am going to be leaving on a cruise anytime now actually, I have to go to the airport in a few hours. Which to be honest, I am a little scared of going on, but that is because of all the airplane incidents I keep hearing about. I am really afraid of something bad happening.
Anyway, so I will be gone for the next week, sorry about that.
I want to give a special shout out to my new BETA, Megsly. YAY! With out her, I would of never realized just how badly I needed a BETA. lol, also thank you to all of you who offered to be my BETA, I really appreciate it.
Another special Shout out to the ladies over at Twilighted. You guys really make my day.
You guys should really check it out over there, I respond a lot faster to people over there because I seem to be on there all the time, also I post teaser over there as well.
Anyways, read on, if you dare.
Chapter 20: I've got to break through
So go on and scream, scream at me,
I'm so far away.
I won't be broken again.
I've got to breathe,
I can't keep going under.
-Going under by Evanescence
"What the fuck do you mean you are leaving?!" Emmett started to yell at me. I had just gotten back from Charlie's the other day, after being with him for another couple of weeks after Edward showed up that day fateful day.
"I mean that I am going to go stay with mom for awhile," I told him calmly.
I knew he wouldn't take this well at all.
After quite some time, I had decided that it would be best for me to get away from everything for a while and go stay with Renee down in Jacksonville. Once I told Charlie my decision he was a little sad to see me go, but I think he understood where I was coming from somewhat. I guess he agreed with me that getting away from him would help me out.
Charlie just didn't know exactly how to help me out, although he did try his best. Alice and Emmett tried their hardest as well. They would come over whenever they could and keep me busy so that I wouldn't have time to sit around and think about Edward. It's just they couldn't always keep me busy from my mind wandering, especially at night when I tried to sleep. None of them could prevent that.
Right now all I really wanted was the comfort from my mother. She was the only person I knew could help me out. She had her fair share of broken hearts, receiving as well as causing others. She was truly the only one that could understand what I was going through anyway, for she was the one that helped me through my last break down, and she herself used to be Bulimic.
"I am not going to let you go." Emmett huffed crossing his arms over his chest trying to act tough.
"Emmett, you can't stop me. I am leaving tomorrow and I have already called mom and told her everything."
"You can't just leave me here alone!"
"You won't be alone; you will more than likely have Rose moved in even before I leave. Don't worry about it." He just glared, sending daggers at me.
"Bella, I don't want you to go." I knew that this was going to be hard for him; it was hard for me to.
"I know, Em, I know. But this is something I have to do. You know that. She helped me last time, she can help me again." He uncrossed his arms and sighed.
"Why can't we just do an intervention or something?" I couldn't help but laugh a little at that.
"That's the thing Emmett. I already know you guys are worried about me and everything, and I already know what is wrong with me. Why do you think I am going to mom's in the first place, other than to get away from him?"
"Are you going to come back?" He asked quietly.
"I don't know. This time things are different." Emmett gave me sad, sorrowful eyes. He was truly upset by me leaving him, yet again, and I hated myself for doing it but I needed the help. This time around it was just more difficult because of the fact that I was fighting something inside me that I have been fighting this whole time.
When Edward came back, I had felt something, but during all that time I thought it was my hatred. It wasn't though. It was those same feelings I had for him long ago that I had kept hidden, even from myself. Another thing was that this time around, he got closer to me than ever had before.
I wanted my Renee's help more for my depression state than anything; the bulimia was less than half of it.
I really wasn't throwing up as much as I did in high school. It was only at times when things got really bad and I started to over think everything that I need to vomit. Also, I really wasn't trying to make myself throw up; it's just that I become seriously get sick to my stomach. I think, more than anything that it was my head telling me that I was sick and needed to throw up, rather than me just wanting and forcing myself to like before.
"Just give me time; that is all I need. I may come back eventually. It is just too hard for me to stay here now." Emmett nodded his head slowly looking down at the ground.
"What am I going to do now?" he asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Well, you could help me pack." I gave him a small laugh, which he didn't think was funny at all.
"Pack?!" Alice screeched from the entry way looking over at Emmett and me.
"Pack? Where do you think you're going?" She ran over to me.
"I come here to welcome you back home and see if you wanted help from me only to find out you are just leaving again," she cried out. Alice was positively furious, but I knew she wouldn't understand why I needed to leave. Why I needed to get away from everything. No one could really and truly understand why I was doing this except for me.
Deep down I knew I was just running away from everything, from all the problems that I needed to face head on, but I wanted to be strong enough to face them. I wanted to be able to stand my ground this time for good and not let things tear me down ever again.
"Sorry Alice."
"No you're not, because if you were you wouldn't be doing this to me, to my cousin!"
"I am doing this exactly because of your cousin."
"Please, Bella, don't let him make you do this again!"
"He already has Alice, he already has." I turned and left them both down at the end of the stairs as I ran up to my room pulling out duffle bags and packing them.
I could her Emmett and Alice bickering downstairs, but I just ignored it all, until Emmett came upstairs into my room.
"Bella, Alice and I are going to go drop off my car over at the shop to get the dents fixed up."
I couldn't help but give him a shy smile thinking about his bent up jeep. "Yeah, sorry about that."
Emmet let up a heavy breath.
"It's alright, I will get over it, but when you get back you owe me." Emmett chided me and I smiled up at him, "Is there anything you want us to pick up while we are out? New suitcases? Anything?"
"No thanks, Emmett. I think I am good."
He nodded his head and shut the door. I heard him and Alice say goodbye as they left the house but paid no attention to it as I continued going through my closet, pulling out things I knew I would need.
--
"Jesus Christ Bella, what do you have in here? A dead body?" Rose started to complain as she followed me down the stairs with one of my oh-so-many bags (note the sarcasm).
"If she had anyone's dead body in that bag it would probably be Edwards, and even then I am pretty sure she would set fire to it." Jasper joked from the bottom of the stairs and I noticed Alice give him a dirty look, but then shrugged it off mildly.
She knew it was true, I probably wouldn't just burn it though; at the moment I wanted to send him through a wood chipper. Harsh, I know, but today isn't a good day. I wanted to go to Renee's, but I didn't want to leave all my friends behind.
"Sorry guys, no dead bodies for me today. They are just books." I set my bag by the door and Rose did the same thing with the other one, with a giant thump.
"Of course, leave it to Bella to pack more books than clothes." Alice said hanging on to Jasper. I just shook my head at her.
"Yeah, and she has read most of them like 20 times now." Rose
"You know what they say, if one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use to reading it at all." I told them.
"Exactly why I don't read." Emmett came pounding down the stairs with his own bags.
"This is just unfair." Alice began to pout as Emmett set his bags next to mine.
Renee had invited everyone to come along with me for awhile; she wanted to see them too, but Alice and Rose had tests, and since I had already missed so many classes I withdrew from school for the semester, much to Mrs. Bravo's displeasure. Emmett was the only one to really who was able to get work off to come. He really wanted to see mom as well.
"Sorry Alice, I don't know what to tell you."
"Oh shit." Rose looked at the time, "Jasper we got to go to class."
"Sure do." Jasper gave Alice a small hug before heading over to me. "I'll see you soon Bella." He gave me a big hug wrapping his arms around my shoulders.
"I'll see you soon too." We let each other go and I gave him a small smile when all of a sudden Rose rushed over to me knocking me off my feet in a giant hug.
"Please don't stay away to long." Rose asked gripping my harder.
"I will really try. Just long enough to get better."
"Good." She stated simply. I knew she was trying to hold in her real feelings. Rosalie was never one for wearing her feeling on her sleeve. She would always keep them hidden.
"Sorry to break this up, but Rose, we are going to be late." Jasper pointed towards his watch.
"Okay, okay." Rose grumbled as we pulled apart from each other. She gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Take care of yourself."
"That is kind of the whole point of me going." I giggled a little at her, but I could feel water forming on the ridge of my eye.
"Love ya! Call me when you get there." She called out to me as she went out the door.
"I will." With one last wave goodbye, Jasper and Rose left.
"Kay Bella. Alice and I are going to go pick up the jeep from the shop, and then once we get back, you and I will head off." Emmett said.
"Kay, I'll be here." He came over and gave me a kiss on the temple before him and Alice headed out.
I stood there for a minute or so, not sure what to do. I had everything packed up and was ready to put it out in the car. I guess I could just watch TV. I made my way over to sit on the sofa when the front door opened up again.
"Emmett, I thought…" I stopped mid sentence when I turned towards the door to see a very disgruntled looking Edward. My heart rate started to speed up in apprehension and surprise, but neither of them were the good kind. I took in his much disheveled posture and brutally sharp eyes that were slicing through my own stunned gaze.
"Damn it Edward! Why the fuck do you have to keep showing up?"
"You're leaving." It wasn't a question.
"What gave you that idea? Is it the fact that you are standing next to a giant pile of suitcases." Nothing but sarcasm coming out of my mouth.
Edward didn't say anything. He just sat there running his hands through his hair over and over again looking around the room.
"What do you want?" I was getting annoyed with him just standing there.
"You know exactly what I want."
"Well, guess what. I'm not ready to deal with you yet, so get the fuck out of my house."
He just ignored me and shut the door.
"Edward, I am not joking."
"Enough Bella!" he shouted at me making me take a step back. "I am not leaving this time until you listen to me, and actually talk to me."
"Even if I run upstairs and grab my pistol and I pull it on you."
"Not funny." He growled at me walking up towards me.
"Who the fuck is laughing? I am being serious." Did he think I was joking or something? I was being one hundred percent serious. Being a daughter of a cop I had been taught quite a few things. "If you don't leave here in about 3 seconds I am going to call the police."
Edward just stood there and folded his arms across his chest, standing up tall to prove to me that he wasn't going anywhere.
"Fine." I stomped over to where the phone was on the table and grabbed it.
He doesn't think I will do it, but I'll show him.
I picked up the phone and started to dial, but when I was about to push the last one, he took the phone out of my hands and raised it up over his head.
"Edward…give me...the damn… phone!" I was jumping up and down in front of him trying to get the phone that the phone that he was waving back and forth above his head
"You are so stubborn." I gave up trying to take it away from him. It really was no use anymore.
"Just as stubborn as you. Now will you hear me out." He was pleading with me; perhaps I should just give up and see what he has to say. I was really tired of trying to fight him off, but he was right. I was far too stubborn to just give in. I huffed and turned to walk up the stairs.
"Where are you going now?" Edward called from behind me at the bottom of the stairs.
"Upstairs to get another phone."
"Oh no you don't." he ran up behind me and gripped tightly onto my waist
"UGH! I am going to kill you! Can you stop touching me?" I was trying to push myself away from Edward as he carried me over to the sofa and tossed me down on it. He got close to my face that at this moment was full of frustration.
"Back in high school I know I was a complete jackass, but I just want you to understand my point of view of everything, so will you just sit the fuck down and listen." He growled at me as I scoffed at him.
"After I am done saying what I want to say you can run away from me again, but at least this time you will know my side."
I didn't say anything. Maybe I should let him say what he has to say. This is what I so badly wanted wasn't it? But what if he said something wrong and I didn't want to hear it? Would any of this justify his past actions?
"Bella, I know this is hard for you, but please listen to what I have to say. That day when I first tried to talk you and you ran off? That was the day Felix came up to me - you could already guess that the day wasn't going too well - but anyway, Felix just had to come up to tell me that you had slept with him."
I wanted to say something to that, but he just put his hand in front of my face to stop me.
"I know what you are thinking."
"Doubt it?" I mumbled.
"You are probably thinking what the fuck should I care if you slept with Felix. You thought I already had done it with Tanya, so what would it matter if you slept with him."
Damn he was good.
"I'm not going to lie, just hearing from him saying that you had sex with him. It just…humph...it just really irked me, but it wasn't that that really got me going. It was the fact that he knew about my mother and what she did. And here's the thing Bella, you were the only one who know about her. The only one, so what was I supposed to believe?"
"You could of talked to me you know, instead of being so fucking gullible and listening to Felix."
"I know I should of…" I didn't let him go on.
"Is that why you treated me the way you did? Because you thought Felix was telling the truth and you didn't have the fucking balls to come and talk to me?" my voice was raising slightly but really shaky and I was hoping that he wouldn't notice.
"I guess it was. I know that sounds so fucking dumb, but it's true. I felt so horrible about doing all that to you. Every time you fell because someone pushed you, or you took a hit to the face by a dodge ball, it felt as if I was driving a spear deeper and deeper into my own chest and…"
He wasn't able to finish for I did something that even surprised me. The palm of my hand slapped against his ice cold cheek leaving it red hot and causing my hand to tingling.
How could he say something like that? There is no way he could hurt like I did.
"Don't. You. Dare. Cullen. My hate for you at doing that is all I have left and you trying to make yourself sound more innocent in all this is really making you look pathetic. --- Acting as if you could really feel anything. You are nothing but a Fuck face and that is all you will ever be." I spat in his face.
"I deserve that, but you got to believe me when I tell you that I felt awful."
"If you felt so awful about doing those things to me, then why did you do them?" I shouted at him.
"I don't know! I just constantly had James and Tanya riding my back. Whenever I wanted to end it all they would bring up something about my mom and relating her to you, and then Felix would have to say something about you two---god it just made me so angry." He started to pull at his hair and rub his hands across the back of his neck.
"And you gave into them. Instead of just ignoring them, you rather cause me pain and see me cry." I could feel the water build up in my eyes, but I was not going to let them fall. I was going to stand my ground.
"I didn't want to hurt you!" He screamed at me, his face turning red in utter irritation.
"Then what the fuck was all that!"
"I don't know." We were both fuming; both of us heaving like a heard of enraged bulls.
"But you know what Bella? None of this, and I mean none of this, would have happened if you came and talk to me about Tanya."
Great someone must have finally told him everything about what Tanya had said. I knew that at the park I mentioned being his dirty messenger, but I never told him everything she said.
Of course! Emmett and Alice must have made a little visit when they went to drop off the Jeep yesterday.
"Bella, why didn't you come talk to me when it happened?"
"Besides the fact that I saw you two make out with each other after she told me?" I snapped at him then taking a deep unsteady breath I continued.
"Because Edward. What Tanya said was more realistic. That's why." I continued not really thinking about it.
"I was fat and I dealt with it okay, but I was never the happiest person about it. It just made so much sense that you had finally seen me the way everyone else did." I felt the tears finally start to fall down my face. I hated this. I hated that he could always make me cry.
"Everything that she told me was just---it just sounded right. That you didn't love me the way I loved you and that you never did." What the fuck did I just say?
Edward, who was pacing around the room stopped and looked at me as I shifted back and forth from one foot to the other, restless and ready to run with my breath heavy.
I really wanted to run now, run as far and fast as I could. I had just told him my secret that I had managed to keep to myself for years.
"And---and you believed all that?" Edward sounded as if he was trying to keep himself together.
I, on the other hand, was already starting to crack at the seams with red eyes and tear splattered cheeks.
"You believed that you weren't good enough for me?"
"What was I supposed to believe?" I whimpered softly trying to gain control of myself.
Edward didn't say anything, he just ran up to me taking my face in his large hands and roughly pressing his lips against mine.
My hands were up in the air in shock and I tried to move back but he just moved with me, so I was frozen in place with Edwards's lips rubbing against my solid, unmoving ones.
What was going on here?
I moved my hands down to his chest and with as much force as I could muster, I pushed him away. "What are you doing?!"
"Showing you what you should believe." Edward pushed himself back against me and continued where he left off, pressing his mouth fervently against mine. Only this time I started moving my lips along with his.
Edward pulled my body flush against his, making me gasp lightly. As soon as his tongue was touching my bottom lip, begging for entrance into my mouth, I discovered that I was the one who couldn't do it this time.
All I could do was keep picturing Edward hurting me time after time and laughing as I cried out in pain, in both physical and mental pain. I couldn't take anymore.
"Edward." I murmured forlornly against his lips trying to move my face away but he still held it firmly, thinking that I wanted more he gripped the back of my head tighter, tangling his long fingers into my hair.
The sad thing was that my body responded to his every touch. As much as my brain and one half of my heart were telling me to stop, the other half of my heart and my entire body was begging me to keep going.
He licked my lips once again and this time I couldn't deny him anymore. Before I could really even think about stopping myself, my lips parted and Edward glided his tongue into my mouth, stroking mine with his. He pulled me even tighter against his chest and I couldn't control my hands as they made their way around to the back of his neck.
God, he tasted so good, like chocolate with the texture of mousse. So delicate, smooth, and flawless. It was if he was capable of just melting in my mouth.
No! No!
"NO!" I pulled my face away from his, ripping my arms from around his back so that I could push him away. He fell back to lean against the wall. Both of us sat there, our chest heaving up and down as we both tried to fight for air.
"I can't do this." I finally let out.
"But Bella," Edward motioned towards me readying himself to push off the wall, but I put my hand up in the air making him stop.
"No Edward. I really can't do any of this. I honestly don't know who you are anymore." This time he did push himself away from the wall and slowly made his way to me. Upon reaching me, he cupped his hand to my face wiping away the tears with his thumb. I forced myself not to lean into it and kept my eyes on him.
"You don't know how painful it is for me to hear that you don't know me anymore." His eyes were hot on mine and I started to feel like he was trying to light me on fire. I had to look away.
"No love, look at me." He pulled me so I had to look back into his emerald eyes that were full of grief and were scarred. "I swear to you, I am still that same boy - that same stupid teenager - that fell for his best friend."
I could feel the butterflies start to swarm in my stomach and my heart began to race with my blood pulsing in my veins.
Did he just say that he fell for me? Did that mean that he loves me?
Both our eyes were darting back and forth between each others, waiting for someone to say something.
Edward started to lean down again, but I turned my face to the side to avoid his kiss. He leaned his forehead against the side of my head and sighed before he pulled back up.
"I'm sorry Edward, but this is just too difficult for me. I just don't know if this all part of some sick joke." I let out another unsteady breath before I continued. "You just done know how much it can ruin someone to have the one they love repeatedly hurt them like you have to me."
This time he was the one that had a few silent tears slide down his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but never got to say it.
"Bella? You ready-" both Emmet and Alice came into the room, Emmett jingling his keys around but stopped as soon as they say Edward and me, "-to go?"
"Is everything alright?" Alice was glancing back and forth between Edward and me. I pulled away from Edward and turned towards Emmett and her.
"When is anything ever all right?" I looked back at Edward who still hadn't removed his gaze off me. "Come on Emmett, we are going to miss our flight."
I made my brother, but was stopped by someone grabbing my hands.
"Edward, just let me go," I wanted nothing more than to get away from everything and just think, but he was making that really hard to do.
He let go of my hand and I walked towards Emmett grabbing my bags. We loaded the car quickly, no one saying anything. I was about to jump into the jeep when Edward stopped me.
"Bella, before you go I want you to know something." He was fidgeting around on his feet. "It's about Alexis."
"Oh no. I don't want to know." That is something that at this moment, or even ever, I didn't want to hear or know about. I didn't want to hear who was the one that ended up being the mother of his kid.
"You don't get it, she is not mine."
"Then who is she?" I demanded.
Edward didn't say anything. I nodded my head at him and turned back to the car when he finally spoke up, saying something that I never expected to hear about Alexis.
"She's my sister."
Kay, got to go, BYE!
Just remember you guys, if I dont update this in awhile, it is because something bad has happened to me, because I would hate just to leave it there and that's it.
To go along with that, if you hear anything about a plane crash, or a cruise ship being raided by a bunch of pirates or anything like that, just know that I was on it, and that is the only reason why I would never update.
I forseee a great ass beating for Felix coming soon.