Sorry this took so long you guys, but I have my reasons. This chapter goes out to my lovely ladies AllINeedIsYourLove, redd4169, and vickitori303over at Twilighted. They have really been helping me out this past month. I love you guys for it! Another special shout out to dihenydd, whose been amazing and helping me by editing previous chapters. Last and most certainly not least give a big thanks to my BETA Megsly. I need to make this clear that I don't think I did in previous chapters, but Felix is older than Edward, Bella and his brother James. He was a senior during their sophomore year.
Warning this chapter contains….yes… a Lemon!
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Suggested songs: Gotta be Somebody – Nickelback
Sorry - Daughtry
Because of the night – Cascada
Right here, Right Now – Fat Boy Slim
(Song playlist on profile)
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Without further ado…
Chapter 22: I'd crawl across this world for you
By now you'd know that I'd come for you
No one but you, yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
And I'd fight for you
I'd lie, it's true
Give my life for you
You know I'd always come for you
-I'd come for you by Nickelback
BPOV
"God, just please make it end!" I pleaded in-between gags as I slumped down on the cold tile of bathroom floor, with my head hanging over the toilet.
"It's okay honey," my mom sat by me on the edge of the bath tub, holding my hair back tenderly. She had tried her hardest to restrain me from going to the toilet, but it was hopeless without Emmett pulling me back. He had went back home a few weeks ago for work. He didn't want to leave because he wanted to stay and help my mom.
Yeah, help my mom with me. I've become such a fucking burden to everyone haven't I?I snarled at myself.
"I just don't get it," I pushed myself away from the toilet with my breath heavy and throat sore from all the bile that I released into the porcelain bowl. "I was doing fine. I actually had control, now I lost it all."
"It's only a minor set-back, sweetie. Don't worry about it, you'll get through all of this like you did before." Renee pulled me gently towards her and wrapped her warm, comforting arms around me.
"That's just it mom. I don't think I will be able to get through all of this again. It's too much."
"You can't give up, honey, you can't give in."
"Why not? I'm so pathetic for letting all this happen again," I cried out to her in frustration.
"You are not pathetic. This is simply a roadblock that you have to get through. We all have them, some of them are just worse than others."
"You're right, except mine isn't a roadblock, it's a fucking dead end," I pushed myself up out of her arms and stood up pacing back and forth in the cold bathroom. I could feel Renee's eyes on me as I tried to keep control of myself.
"Bella, you are my daughter and I love you too much to see you give up. If you won't do it for me, do it for your father, your brother, for your best friends..." I could see the tears in her eyes, "Baby, you got to do this for Edward…"
"No mom, I'm not going to do anything for Edward," I cried out before I could really stop myself. It was as if my mind was programmed to say shit like that after years of telling myself it was his fault.
"Why not?"
"Because he was the one that made me do this!" Fuck!
The moment the words escaped my lips Renee did something that completely surprised me. She slapped me hard across the face with a loud thwack... I stood there holding my hot cheek in my hand starting at my mother with my mouth a gap. Renee stood there red in the face furious at what I had said. She was never a violent person, and had never laid a hand on anyone - her actions left me completely speechless.
Why can't I ever control my mouth!
"Don't. You. Ever. Say that!" She hissed at me with a low, dark voice. "No one made you do anything. No one! You're the one that did this to yourself. There was no one else that shoved you into a bathroom and shoved their finger down your throat. You're the one that did it."
I didn't say anything. I continued to stare at her. Tears ran down my face, a result of the combination of the slap to my cheek and the guilt building up inside of me.
She was right.
"I know what it's like, Bella, to want to blame everyone else for what happened to you - to blame them for pushing you to such lengths." Renee's voice began to quiver and break. "When I went through my Bulimia, you don't know how much I loved blaming it all on my mother, for telling me that I had to be perfect or no man was ever going to want me. Every time I saw her she would always comment on about how I looked like I had gained a couple of pounds. Or when I got actually sick and she saw me puking she would tell me it was a good thing - that I actually needed to lose a few pounds. I didn't need to lose any weight. If anything I needed to gain it. I was less than 90 pounds when I was 17, but whenever I looked into the mirror I would see a 200 hundred pound girl, and that my mother was right. I was going to die alone with only a bag of Funyuns to keep me company." Renee had never told me the whole story about what drove her to her decision, and hearing about it, how she felt, it all really got to me. It was all exactly how I felt, in every single way.
"Do you see what I'm trying to tell you?" She continued after wiping her eyes with the back of her hands causing her makeup to smear under her eyes and onto her hand. "I'm not going to say that my mother didn't play a major role into driving me to Bulimia, but it was partly my fault as well….It was my fault that I gave into her. That I gave into all the peer pressure to make her happy, even though I knew deep down that I was never going to make her happy. I could've easily ignored her. I should've moved in with your grandfather, but instead I stayed with her. If I was going to blame my mom for what she did, I had to blame myself as well for doing what I did when I could've left."
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like a total piece of shit.
"God I am such a fucking idiot!" I ran my hands over my face, pulling at my skin in frustration and wanting to bang my head up against the wall.
I couldn't believe that I gave Edward so much shit to for giving into James and Tanya, when I did the same thing. I gave into them too. I let them get under my skin, when I too, - like my mother -could've handled this all differently. I could've for one, completely left and ignored it all and for another, I could've talked to Edward. If I had only done that, everything would be so different now.
"You're not an idiot. We all give into peer pressure." She reached forward, tenderly wiping the tears from my eyes. "Now, I'm not saying that what Edward did was right, because it is far from it, but baby, I know that this is hard to hear, but you too have to take some blame for your actions as well, just as he has to take the consequences for his, and I am pretty sure he already has." She started to rub my back again.
"And his consequences would be?"
"Honey," she chuckled softly and rolled her eyes at me as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "He lost you."
I couldn't stop the tears that came from my eyes. "Mom, I don't think he wants me anymore, how could he ever want someone like me. I am so disgusting," I cried into her hair as she hugged me closer to her.
"Of course he wants you." My mom pulled me back so she could look at me and brushed my hair out of my face with her soft hands. "Bella, the boy is madly in love with you."
There was a large part of me that loved Edward too, but for him to still love me. It didn't sound right. It didn't even sound right to say that I still loved him. You would think that I would avoid everything that had to do with him and he would do the same to me, but I couldn't.
"How do you know that?" I asked her softly, sniffling.
"I'm a mother, you don't think I wouldn't notice when a boy is hitting on my little girl," she giggled through her own tears as she pulled me back into her arms and started to rock me.
I loved my mother so much. She had always been able to help me with anything and everything, but I didn't think that she knew the whole story like she thought.
I really had hurt Edward, but I didn't want to see it. I had been so self righteous in thinking that I was the only one that was destroyed by the past.
Edward was just as much of a victim as I was.
"Why does it all have to hurt so much?" I cried out clutching her tighter to me.
"I don't know baby. Love hurts."
"Please don't start to sing that song." I did a little hiccup laugh along with my sniffles as she giggled, knowing that I was talking about the famous Nazareth song.
"Okay, how about this, 'the course of true love never did run smooth,'" Renee quoted William Shakespeare softly. I had never been a huge fan of William, but at times he really does know his shit.
***************
Another few weeks passed and I spent most of it thinking about everything that has happened to me over the years, and I mean everything: from the day I first meet the adorable copper headed boy, to the day when my world was turned upside down, to the present moment in time.
My life was seriously fucked up.
There has always been this saying that I've heard many times thought-out my life, but never really thought about.
The greatest battle we face in life is the one within ourselves.
Never have those words rang truer to my life than they did in that moment.
I had always fought this battle inside myself without even realizing it and it was tearing me apart. At first thought, someone would assume my greatest battle within myself had been against my Bulimia. Although that was a pretty immense battle, I had a far superior one that was ripping at my insides.
Edward.
I knew that I still loved him. The thing was, I wanted to love him, but at the same time I wanted to hate him - to loath him with such fury. But I couldn't. The things he did to me were wrong and I don't know when or if I will ever fully be able to forgive him, but I still couldn't tell myself that I didn't love him.
Fuck my life.
I was deeply in love with a guy that had totally screwed me up, though I had screwed him up just as much, by this point. I couldn't blame everything on him. If I wanted to blame anyone I should blame James, Tanya, and Felix.
Felix… I had thought that he was my friend. I wasn't sure about that anymore. I should have listened to Edward in the first place when he said that Felix wasn't good news, but no, I had to be a bitch and completely disregarded his opinion. But honestly, could you blame me?
I needed answers. I needed to know the truth about everything. I was so sick of sitting here like a fucking pansy. I knew how I felt and how I always have.
I'm done fighting myself. I was ready to go see him again. I was ready to talk to him. I was ready to tell him how I really felt.
"Mom?" I walked over to the sofa for where she was sitting next to her current boyfriend Phil watching Underworld.
"What is it, sweetie?" Renee turned herself so she could look at me more easily.
"I am ready."
"Really? Are you sure?" She was trying to contain her excitement as she jumped of the couch, leaving a confused Phil. She knew exactly what I meant.
"Yes. Yes I am."
EPOV
"He didn't deserve anything! He was the only parent that I had left and you sent him to jail!" Felix cried out.
I wanted so badly to kill him at that moment. He didn't know shit evidently.
"Your father deserved to go to jail, he raped my mother!!"
I was trying to keep control myself from running back over to him and kicking Felix in the gut a few more times. I was really itching to do so. Yu have no fucking idea how bad I wanted to finish beating the shit out of him for everything. For destroying my relationship with Bella in high school, for manipulating me to do things to Bella, for ruining my life in general, for my life was Bella. He destroyed everything that I wanted with her and I didn't know if she was ever going to come back, or if she was ever even going to forgive me.
Felix slowly stood back up from the gravel and looked at me with deep hatred in his eyes.
"You know, you're still just as pathetic as that day I saw you at the park." He wiped the blood from his nose, smearing it onto the hand of his sleeve.
"What are you talking about?" I snarled.
"Don't play stupid with me. You know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the day that I know haunts you and always will. Hell man, I got fucked up too, the day my mom left me. It does things to people, hurts them, scars them knowing that their own flesh and blood couldn't stand them long enough to stay with them."
"You don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what happened."
"Oh really? You mean I didn't see your mom leave your ass in the middle of the playground and yell at you? Are you telling me that I didn't see you run after her yelling your little fucking heart out begging her to come back to you? That you didn't have that sad pathetic look in your eyes when she got into her car and drove off leaving you stranded and alone?" Felix taunted, raising a cut up eyebrow at me.
"Shut up, Felix!" I roared at him. My fists clenched into tight balls, nails digging into my flesh.
"How the fuck did you think that I knew it was your mother that was screwing my father? You don't think I wouldn't be able to recognize the face of that whore that fucked up my family, my life!!"
I didn't say anything for I launched myself at him again taking us both to the ground. Our bodies collided like two hard stones and I could feel ourselves grate against the hard gravel cutting up my legs in the process through my jeans.
"I said shut the fuck up!!" I was straddling his waist and lifted him up by the collar before pushing him back down into the ground.
"You know, I actually feel bad for you because it didn't just happen once, not twice but three times! And the last two were by the same fucking bitch!" I took my fist and slammed it into the side of his face watching blood fly out of the side of his mouth as his whole face turned from the force of the hit. Felix turned his face back to me laughing.
"I can still see that same look in your eyes that you had when Bella finally left you alone at school. It was that exact same weak look you had when your mom left, and I was just waiting for you to run and cry after her just like you did your mother."
I lifted my fist up in the air ready to take another swing and add another open bleeding wound to that pretty face of his, but I stopped.
What the fuck am I doing? I shouldn't be doing this? I was supposed to be getting better and move on away from my past, for my parents, for my friends, for Seth, for my mother, for Bella. Yet here I was resorting back to the past of using physical abuse to get answers. What would Bella think if she saw me here beating the shit out Felix? I really did want to move on with my life. I wanted to prove to Bella that I'm not who I was in high school and to do that, I had to stop.
Now.
BPOV
He still hadn't shown up and no one knew where he was. Emmett had called Kate and she said that he went to his meeting awhile ago and that it should've been finished by now. We couldn't get a hold of Carlisle and Esme either because they went away for their anniversary, so the only other options were the rest of us. The thing was we were all here waiting for him.
"Bella, I don't think he's coming." Emmett said as he snapped the phone shut after his latest attempt to call Edward.
"Really? What gave you that impression?" I snapped at Emmett, causing him to wince at my icy tone. I felt bad after I did. I didn't mean to be angry at him. "Sorry Emmett. It's just that I'm finally ready to talk to him and he decides that it's better not to show up. He probably knows that it's me and has finally given up on me."
"Bella, that's not true. He's been so worried about you. Something must be holding him back. Maybe he got caught up talking with Seth," Alice tried to comfort me.
"Fine," I sighed deeply. "Well, I don't want to wait for him any longer. I'm going to bed."
"Bella, he really does care about you," Rose interjected.
All I could do was nod my head slowly and wearily as I made my way up the stairs and into my room for the night.
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1:41am---1:41am---1:42am
My clock kept flashing.
Mocking me.
Never stopping.
I said that I was going to bed, let's see, almost 6 hours ago there I was staring at the fucking, annoying clock.
I couldn't get to sleep. I came all the way back to talk to him; to see him and I hadn't done either. I didn't think that I was ever going to get to sleep until I did.
I needed to tell him. I needed to see him. I needed to hear him.
I needed him.
I pushed off the heavy comforter that was pinning my body down to the bed like a paperweight and jumped out of bed. Grabbing one of my light tan robes and tided it securely around my body before heading out of my bedroom, I made my way down the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible since everyone had fallen asleep in the family room after watching some movie. I didn't care enough to find out what movie it was. I grabbed my keys off of the small entry table, opened the door and stepped into the night air only to wrap my arms across my chest as the freezing air whipped past me.
I wanted to kick myself for not putting on jeans or sweat pants because all I had on were my pajama shorts and a fitted tee shirt. My robe really didn't provide any protection from the freezing temperatures. As quick as I could to get out of the cold, I ran towards my truck and hopped in. I started to pray that no one would wake up as I turned on the truck and to my relief I didn't see any lights come one as I backed out of the driveway and drove off in the direction of Edward's.
*******************
I pushed my truck nearer to Edward and Jasper's place, happy that Jasper was still over at my place asleep on the couch with Alice. Now all I was praying for was that Edward to be home.
I pulled my truck into the wide driveway of their place. My heart fluttered in my chest when I saw Edward's hatchback Volvo hiding in the dark shadows of the night and a light on somewhere in the house.
He was here.
No signs of movement stirred in the house once I parked my truck and turned it off. What if he was asleep?
Psh… Edward? Sleeping at night? He doesn't do that. He only sleeps during the day. He would constantly complain that he couldn't sleep at night so he insisted at staying over at mine and Emmett's to keep us awake, when he didn't go over to Kate's place that is.
Slamming my car door shut, I swiftly made my way to the front door of the house. Once I lifted my hand to knock on his door I took a deep breath trying to calm down my heart. Without another moment of hesitation, I banged my fist on it.
No answer.
I continued.
Still no answer.
What the hell?
I reached out for the handle and turned the knob.
It was unlocked.
My heart skipped a beat.
So I opened it.
My heart started pounding.
Was I really going to do this? Tell him how I really feel? I've dreamed about this moment, but I never thought that it would be at two in the morning after breaking into his house.
I entered the house anyways noticing the lights were out in the entry way, the small kitchen, and family room, but there was a light on down the hall.
Near Edward's room.
I could hear water running.
It wasn't raining. The sound was coming from a bathroom.
His bathroom.
My breath hitched in my throat just picturing him in there. I started to feel embarrassed for thinking about him that way, but continued anyways.
I shouldn't have though. Because of my little day dream I was not watching where I was going, so I stubbed my toe. Again. That same place on that stupid fucking wall I did last time I was here.
"FUCK!" I screamed out, jumping up and down grabbing hold of my toe.
I heard the water turn off.
Shit. I looked around the room as if I was trying to find a place to hide, forgetting all about my sore toe.
But why should I hide? I came here to talk to him, not to run and hide from him. I'm not going to do that anymore. Even if he didn't want to see me, he was going to have to deal with seeing me anyway, because I'm not going anywhere anymore.
"Who's there?" I heard Edward call out, making his way down the hall. Before I could respond he ran out to where I was with a bat in his hands and flicked on the lights.
"Bella?" He spoke softly under his breath as if he were in shock, uttering my name like a prayer.
"Ed-Edward." I stumble softly as well. It felt like I was seeing him again after all those years for the first time, but this time I actually wanted to see him.
"Jesus Christ, do you know you scared the shit out of me," he finally spoke, putting the bat down up against the wall.
"First of all, my name is not Christ and second of all, I don't see any shit, so you're good," I tried to lighten up the moment, but it didn't work with my voice quivering, high pitched and fast.
"Bella, what are you doing here?" He scratched his forehead and I couldn't help but gawk at him when he lifted up his arm, his chest muscles moving with the movement.
"I…I…" I couldn't help it. I just had to keep staring at him.
Before, I would always catch and stop myself when I would start staring at him, telling myself that it wasn't right. That it was wrong for me to look at him like that, but I didn't care anymore. I finally admitted my feelings for him to myself so I was going to stare all I want.
And was he a sight to behold. He was glorious. No, much more than glorious. I don't know what is better than glorious, but he was. Especially considering the fact that all he was were those pair of familiar dog tags lying flat across his hard chest and a set of boxers that were quite snug on his body. They ended up showing everything that he had to offer.
I was pretty sure I was drooling.
Edward was glistening with water droplets cascading gracefully down his damp body, making his muscles sparkle and shine in the light. His beautiful bronze hair was spiked up in all directions, as if he had just barely ran a towel through it. Then there were his eyes, which were slowly darkening as I continued to ogle him.
I let my eyes drift up and down his body one more time admiring every single bit of him. That is when I finally noticed it.
Scratches, up and down his legs as if someone clawed at them.
Cuts, all across his face.
Scrapes, spreading across his chest as if being dragged against the ground.
Bruises along his rib cage that looked a ghastly shade of purple.
Abrasions, everywhere! He looked as if he should have been in pain, but he wasn't showing any outward signs of it.
"Oh my god! Edward, what happened?" I ran up to him taking his face into my hands and rubbed my fingers across the fresh slashes along his forehead, cheeks, and jaw.
He took both my hands off of his face and placed them down in between us but he didn't let go of my palms. "Nothing," he brushed my question away, completely ignoring it, "What are you doing here? I thought you were still in Florida with your mother?"
Why is he changing the subject?
"No I'm not," I stated.
"Clearly." Edward smirked for a moment.
"Are you going to tell me what happened?" I asked again. I was a stubborn girl and he knew it. The bad thing is that he was just as stubborn as I was, so this could go on forever.
"No,not until you tell me what you're doing here?" He retorted and I pulled my hands out of his grip, stepping back away from him so I could fully look into his face.
"No, I want to know why you look as if you were dragged to hell and back!" I raised my voice, stomping my foot indignantly.
"And I want to know why you suddenly appeared at my house at fucking two in the morning!" He matched my tone fiercely, "I'm not going to ask again, why did you come back?"
Fine, I give up.
"For you! Alright! I came back for you! Is that what you wanted to hear?!" I shouted at him, throwing my hands up in the air in irritation.
He slowly approached me one step at a time until he had no more room to come any closer. My clothed chest pressed against his bare one while he stood there gazing down into my eyes. I don't know what I expected to happen at this moment. I guess that in the back of my mind I was hoping that he would run up to me and catch me in a searing kiss that would knock me breathless, but that didn't happen.
He just stood there.
"And why did you come back for me?" he quietly asked under his breath.
Why did I come back for him? Shouldn't that be obvious? At least I thought it was.
"Because I'm tired of running away from you. I'm done fighting, Edward." I sighed and took another deep breath before continuing. "I feel like I've held up my fists long enough and thrown enough punches that my knuckles are bleeding. I've been hit enough times to have wounds and for scars to open up and bleed, but Edward, I want them to go away. I want to heal and become me again. I want to be able to talk to you without that annoying voice in the back of my head telling me to run away." I removed my eyes from his and looked down at my feet as I continued.
"The sad thing is though, I don't think that voice is ever going to go away, but I am going to ignore it," I told him, confidently looking back up into his green orbs. "Edward, I came back for you because my heart told me to. For once I was sick of listening to my head and dealing with the constant pain in my chest. Here's the thing though, I didn't come back for my best friend because I know that we'll never be able to go back to that, but I came back for the one person I've ever loved and ever will love."
I didn't remove my eyes off his and he didn't either. He didn't do anything but stand there and gaze down at me. I could feel my cheeks heat up because of the intensity of his eyes. I just had to look away.
"Now if you don't-" Edward silenced me with his finger after turning my face back to his.
"That's exactly what I wanted to hear," Edward cupped my face with one hand, pushing hair out of my face. He leaned in and gave me a small Eskimo kiss, rubbing his nose against mine as if trying to find the right angle to place his lips. I tried to keep control of myself and not throw myself at him to finally kiss me, but I didn't need too.
He finally lent down and fully captured my top lip in between his. I was quick to reciprocate the action and draw in his bottom lip between mine. The kiss was soft and slow, yet powerful at the same time. After a couple of rounds of rotating from bottom to upper lip he gently licked my lower lip and I opened my mouth up for him, allowing him to taste me and I him.
This was so different from all the other times we have kissed, because this time neither of us pulled away. This was what we both wanted. For the first time ever in my life I was finally able to kiss someone properly.
No. Not just anyone. I was able to kiss Edward Cullen properly.
He let me explore his mouth with my tongue finding all the dark crevices in it as he fervently returned my every action with one of his own.
What started out as a sweet and gentle kiss quickly escalated into something more dominate as he began to devour my mouth. His strong tongue was stroking mine, fighting for the control that I was more than willing to hand over.
My arms were wrapped tightly around his neck while one of his was binding around behind my back pulling me flush against his stone body. The other dug into my robe so he could tightly grab a hold of my hip as he let his fingers freely trace the sliver of skin under my shirt.
I was running out of air and so was he, apparently. Edward pulled away, leaving us both breathless and peering into each other's eyes. Green against brown; it was as if I was the chocolate chips in his mint ice cream.
I could see it in his eyes, there were things that he wanted to say and I knew there was so much that we needed to talk about. So many things needed to be said, but I didn't want to bring it all up now. I finally had him in my grasp and I was afraid of letting go.
Before anything could be said I pulled his face back down to mine by grabbing his dog tags. He didn't seem to have any objection to it for he kissed me back with such passion that I became lost in it.
Gently, Edward untied the robe that was on me and slid it down my arms letting it fall to the floor so that all I had on was my tight t-shirt and shorts. We started moving backwards until I hit something. I could only assume that was his desk but there was no way I was going to double check at this moment.
Edward moved his hands down to my hips before pulling back away again. He looked at me as his hands gripped onto my hips and lifted me up, roughly placing me on the desk as he pushed himself between my legs. Releasing my hips, his hands gripped the bottom of my shirt and began to lift, pulling it up. I lifted my arms up allowing him to completely rip it off my body and he tossed it over his shoulders, leaving me in my blue polka dot bra. I heard him snicker a bit before I pulled him back down to me, gripping tightly to his chestnut mane as he growled into my mouth.
For someone reason my brain must have not been functioning properly at the moment, because I didn't find myself thatembarrassed to be sitting in front of Edward in my bra. Sure, my face heated up, but that's about it.
It didn't matter to me anyways. I could do without the embarrassment and nerves for tonight.
Edward removed his mouth from mine letting me breathe as he continued to kiss, lick and suck any piece of skin he could get. Starting from the side of my face and ending up on a very sensitive part of my neck, his every movement sent shivers down my whole being.
He pushed further into me and pulled me towards him at the same time to bring our bodies closer to each other. His hot chest pressed up against my barely covered one. Edward shifted his hips a little bit and I could feel the moisture build up between my legs.
"Edward!" I gasped as I felt his prominent arousal press into mine through the thin fabric of my pajamas. I started to rub up against him, relishing in friction it was creating. Edward groaned into my ear before slowly drawing the tender skin of my earlobe between his teeth and sucking gently. I let my hands flow out of Edward's hair and down to his chest feeling him; touching him.
It was as I was touching him that, for some reason, my nerves wanted to finally show up. I guess it was because he was actually allowing me to touch him - to be this close with him. My brain must have been a little behind, waiting for Edward or even myself, to push each other away and stop what we are doing.
That wasn't happening though.
I still let my hand trace down his rippling of abs, but I must have hit a sensitive spot, for he winced back but did not remove his mouth off of my body.
We can't do this now. He was injured. Badly.
At least that's what I kept telling myself, but that wasn't even the half of it and deep down I knew the real reason.
I was nervous.
"Edward…" I tried to get his attention but he had grazed his teeth along my neck at the same time making it come out as a groan more than anything.
"Edward," This time I pushed him back off me. He pulled away, confused.
"We can't do this now," I told him, sadness and confusion quickly spread across his face.
"It's not what you think," I hurriedly told him, rubbing my hands along his biceps trying to sooth him. But I wasn't so sure it wasn't what he thought. It could've been. "Edward, the thing is that you're seriously hurt and I can only assume that doing this," I waved my hand between the two of us, "right now, it's going to make you hurt more."
Edward gave me his crooked smile before looking down and shaking his head and laughing lightly. "Bella, believe when I say that I can handle the pain."
"But Edward-" he cut me off with a kiss.
"No buts" he breathed across my face as he pulled back so I could gaze perfectly into his vibrant eyes. "You don't know how long I've waited for you. Bella, you don't know how long I've waited for a moment like this to finally prove to you that I do love you."
"W-What?" I whispered in astonishment, my nerves vanished for the moment, being replaced with surprise. Edward took both of my hands in one of his, holding them to his bare chest, and cupped my face with his other, looking deeply into my eyes as if he was searching deeply for something.
For what? I didn't even know.
"I love you," he repeated those three words that I've been dying to hear since I was a little girl from him. Those three words that I thought that I would never hear fall from his pink lips. Those three words that I only thought I would hear from my closest friends and family, but never from Edward. My breathing had hitched up to match the racing of my heart.
I whispered back to him, "I love you too."
Quick like lightning he pulled my face back to his, locking our faces together and pushing his body back down to mine. My mind was so far astray from the fact of where this was really leading, too far away to even really worry about my nerves any more. All I could focus on was Edward, here and now.
And right here and now, I was feeling like a complete different person. Like someone who wasn't ever dragged through shit. Someone who didn't have her life ripped apart and had the pieces scattered.
I felt whole again. I felt like me.
I'm not sure what had gotten into me and I could tell Edward badly wanted to do it by the way he traced his hand up my stomach to the bottom of my bra and then stop for a few moments before going back down and doing it over again. I picked up his hand up and hesitantly pressed it against my clothed covered breast.
Edward, surprised by my actions, pulled his mouth off mine and darted his eyes back and forth between my face and where his hand was now.
I sat there on the desk biting my lip not really knowing what else to do or even what he was going to do. Soon though I felt Edward's hand slowly start to massage my breast. He let out a slow, unsteady breath as if he was trying to control himself.
It felt amazing, even with myself still covered. I arched my back more into his hand and he lifted up his other hand to do the same with my other breast, making me gasp. He picked up speed on my breasts massaging them even harder and faster, digging his fingers into the swollen mounds.
He returned his mouth to mine and let go of one of my breasts and let his hand glide down my rib cage and stomach, down my thigh and stopped at the back of my knee where he hooked his hand underneath it and placed it up on his hip holding it there tightly. I could feel his fingers digging into my skin. I couldn't control my head as it fell back with a moan as Edward continued to suckle my neck.
Not being able to take it anymore I wrapped both my legs around him and Edward lifted me off the desk and staggered towards his room. I couldn't help but giggle on our way down the hall as we stumbled into the wall every once in awhile only to have him kiss me deeper and laugh along with me.
Once we finally entered the room he slammed the door shut with his foot and we both fell onto his soft bed, our bodies bouncing together against the springs in the mattress.
Edward groaned at the sensation over my body bouncing above him and I giggled at him. Frustrated at my laugh, he rolled us over and pinned me down underneath him, his hands holding down my wrists above my head.
"Do you take pleasure out of my discomfort?" Edward raised an eyebrow at me.
"Oh, you know I do." I smirked at him and wiggled my hips against the hard bulge in his boxers, causing him to hiss and me to sigh.
Where the hell was this coming from? Me? Isabella Marie Swan with confidence? That's almost unheard of. Edward was brining out a side of me that I didn't even know about.
He didn't let go of my wrists as he placed his smooth lips against my collarbone sucking on it lightly before his lips slowly slid down my body kissing any part of free skin he could, appreciating it. His hands let go of my wrists and glided down my arms and sides until one was down on the bed beside our bodies holding him up as much as possible while the other was rested on the underside of my hip.
He was kissing the valley of my breasts and I couldn't help but to arch my back up towards him. He proceeded to go lower down my body stopping at that scar on my stomach paying extra attention to it for a moment. It was as if he was trying to make it go away by licking it.
After a couple tongue swoops and playing with my belly button he kissed lower only to stop at the ties to my shorts. He untied the strings slowly and sensually, all I could hear is the sound of my heart beating like heavy metal drums in my ears. My nerves were starting to kick in but that didn't stop my body from lifting my hips so Edward could slowly skate my shorts down my legs.
Curse you nerves. Go the fuck away!
I tried to banish them away from me hoping that it would work.
Upon removing my legs from my shorts, Edward came back up my body letting his hands trace the same pattern up my legs as they did going down, savoring the feeling of having his fingers touch me.
Edward started to kiss me again as his warm hands began groping my thighs, tightly massaging them.
I let my hands roam his body admiring every piece of it and how it felt underneath my fingertips; the ripples of his abs the firmness of his hard pecks, everything. I felt Edward shiver under my touch and I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.
The banishment I had cast upon my nerves was working! For the moment, at least.
"What are smiling at?" Edward asked against my lips before he continued to suck on them.
"You." I simply responded. He gave me his crooked smile.
"What about me?" he traced my bra lines as his lips found the perfect spot just under my ear making me groan his name.
"I just can't believe that I am here with you." I whispered.
"You better believe it." His voice was rough, "because once I make you mine, I am never letting you go again."
I felt my heart swell ten times its normal size as he said that.
Oh, shit.
Those nerves that I tried hard to keep down in me, now suddenly came back with full fucking force. I wanted nothing more than to be with him, but nervousness suddenly started to overflow inside me.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing.
I suddenly felt like some chick that was trying to write out an erotic novel with no experience what so ever. I didn't know where to start, or how it felt, or anything. How was I supposed to do this?
Am I supposed to let him take control or do I? Does he want me to pleasure him at all? How exactly do I do that? Am I supposed to talk to him while having sex or should I just stay quiet? What if I get a sex headache and it hurts or what if he gets a sex headache and can't even finish because it hurts too much?
What the fuck am I getting myself into?
And the thing is, it isn't just about the physical aspect of sex that was getting me so worked up, but also me wondering what exactly was going through Edward's head at the same time. Should I really be doing this? Are we just doing this just because of the heat of the moment? What the fuck is he thinking through all this?
I could feel my breathing picking up, but it wasn't because me being aroused or anything. I was starting to hyperventilate.
Edward noticed and quickly sat up pulling me with him so that I was sitting up.
"Breathe, Bella." Edward was rubbing my back. I did as he instructed and took a few deep breaths.
"What's wrong?" Edward had my face cupped in the palms of rubbing soothing circles on my cheeks as my breathing started to slow down.
I shook my head back and forth and took a large gulp of air.
"I'm sorry, Bella, if we're moving too fast we can stop now if you want to."
"No, no, Edward. It's just that... I've never done any of this before." I let out a sigh feeling embarrassed. "And I mean none of it. You were my first kiss for God's sake. I don't even know where to begin with all this." I gestured between Edward and me using both my hands.
"It's not that I don't want to do it, it's just that I'm extremely nervous." I felt my face heat up from my blush. "God, this all sounds sad doesn't it." I put my face in my hands.
"Bella." Edward was laughing lightly and put a finger under my chin so that I was looking at him. "I don't find it pathetic at all. I actually find it quite endearing." He leaned in and gave me a soft kiss before I pushed him back.
"Edward, I just want to know something."
"What?" he brushed hair out of my face looking deeply into my eyes.
"Would you still want me in this way if I was still fat, if I never lost the weight?"
"First off, you were never fat. If anything you had curves, and what's so wrong with that?" I was about to respond but he stopped me. "Secondly, I didn't love you just for your looks, but your personality as well. Sure, you didn't have a lot of confidence back then, but you sure make up for it now. Also I always got see a part of you no one else at that school did. That you were always full of life and that you loved everyone and everything around you. You would always tend to think of others first rather than just for yourself.
"Bella, you have always been beautiful to me, no matter what anyone says. If anyone makes you feel inferior about yourself just ignore them because they don't matter. The only thing that does matter is the fact that I love you for you. Nothing is going to change that, nothing ever has." I grabbed Edward by the neck pulling us towards each other and I pressed my lips against his before my back fell against the bed and he hovered over me.
He had said everything that I needed to hear at that moment. My nerves were still there of course. Everyone goes through them, but they settled down, for the most part, knowing that Edward really did love me.
Edward's hands began to caress my thighs once more and I rubbed his biceps realizing that this is what I wanted. I've waited all my life for him and now I finally have him. I can understand how some people may think that I should've never forgiven Edward for what he did, but I don't give a shit what they think. To be honest, I don't think I've even fully forgiven him. It's just that we've both been through hell because we didn't have the balls just to sit down and talk to each other. Now here we are with each other and I don't think I am ever going to let him go again. I was now praying to god that he'll never let me go either.
I really don't think he was going to go anywhere at this moment anyways. Edward started to play with the bottom of my bra fiddling with it and I knew exactly what he wanted to do. I sat up taking hold of his hands and placed them where the clasp of my bra was as I began to place delicate kisses on his neck and chest.
Without another second he popped off my bra and gracefully slid the straps of my bra down my shoulders placing kisses there before removing the fabric completely off my body. Laying me back down on the bed, he stayed there straddling my stomach staring down at me and my newly revealed skin. My hands were gripping tightly to his thighs that I was rubbing trying to keep me from covering myself.
I know that this sounds really cliché and everything, but you got to understand that this is the first time I've ever been topless in front of a guy, first time topless and front of Edward no less, and his eyes did not move. Then there was that look on his face where I couldn't tell if he was disgusted, excited or what. I just had to cover myself up. Edward was too fast though. I had just barley released my hold on his legs when he grabbed my wrists pinning them up over my head.
"Don't, god please… don't ever cover yourself." My face covered its self in the familiar blush at the sight of Edward's hungry face. Without another word he swooped his head down grazing his nose along my collar bone and down the valley of my breasts inhaling my scent.
He moved his mouth over to one of my breasts and I could feel his warm breath spread across the top causing my already hard nubs to stiffen even more. He took me into his mouth without another moment of hesitation sulking me. Edward removed his grip on my wrists and took one of his hands to palm my other breast that was left unattended. He shifted back and forth between each breasts with me moaning each time.
All I could do was fist my hands into his hair and arch my back to him. He wrapped his free hand around my back and lifted me up towards him to gain a better access. My head fell on the top of his as his tongue continued to do amazing things on my chest. My breathing was becoming heavier and everyone once in awhile Edward would groan against my chest sending brilliant vibrations up and down my body.
Not being able to take it any more I yanked his face to mine by his hair and kissed him deeply and roughly, tangling and twisting our tongues with each others.
Edward pulled us both up keeping his one hand on the small of my back so that I was straddling his lap, his other hand in my hair keeping our faces against each other. Our chests were pressed tightly against each other's and I could feel his hard arousal against my hot one. My hips grated against him on impulse causing us both to moan into each other's mouths at the amazing sensation.
Before I knew what was happening my body began to move on its own accord grinding its self into Edward's pelvis and hardening cock. What made it so infuriating was that he was hitting directly where I wanted him to, but couldn't quite reach because the fabric of our underwear was in the way. I wanted to get between us and move all fabric out of the way, but I was way too into the moment to do anything.
My head felt like it was about to fall off my body as it rolled back, my hips continued rocking with the help of Edward guiding me with his hands. I felt a tightening in my lower abdomen start to build up to an extreme that it was actually becoming slightly painful. I started to whimper out Edward's name wanting more, but actually screamed it out when I felt something cool slip inside the fabric of my boy-shorts and into my soaking folds.
"God Bella, you're so wet." Edward hissed as his fingers began to pump in and out of me. I just wanted to shout out a 'no shit' to him but it came more out as a growl. He continued to work his magic fingers on me, or I should say in me, and took my breast into his mouth again. This time he actually began to bite my nipple at the same time pinching my bundle of nerves with his forefinger and thumb. All I could do was let out a high pitched moan and my hips moved faster against his hand.
I pulled myself back up by gripping tightly onto his hair yanking at the strands to keep me held up. Edward pushed us back down so I was lying flat on the bed again, him hovering over me holding himself up with one hand.
"Oh, god…Edward…"
The tightening got even stronger if I ever thought that was possible. I felt like I was ready to snap any minute. Edward must have sensed it, for he lent into my ear and whispered, "Come for me Bella." He sucked on my earlobe and I couldn't take it any longer.
I did it.
I snapped.
Like a fucking dry branch, or a Popsicle stick when you bend it too far. I felt my whole body shake and quake as my juices poured out all over Edward's hand. I could literally see stars in front of my eyes. The kind you usually see when you are about to pass out. They were all over my vision, painting it everything I see.
Edward just stayed there watching me as I tried to gain control of my breathing again and as soon as I did I sat up as best as I could with Edward still over me and started to pull his boxers down when he stopped me, holding both my hands in one of his and brought the other up to my face.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" He began to rub his hand across the side of my chin and down my neck sending electric shocks throughout my body.
I've heard that line millions of times from watching movies, reading books, and at times when I actually sit down and watch soaps. Hell, it was like an unwritten rule to ask this everyone's first time, but I never thought that Edward would be the one to ask me it. Shit, I never thought that I would ever be this close with Edward. Sure I'd dreamed about it, but I never actually believed that it would happen. I always thought it would just remain in my own fantasies.
I took my hands out of his grip and wrapped my arms around his neck bring my face up to his so that our lips were barely touching.
"More than sure," I whispered against his lips teasing him as I twirled some of the silky hairs at the nape of his neck around with my fingers. "I'm positive" Edward grabbed the back of my head threading his fingers into my hair and pushing my face up against his to stop the teasing and kissed me deeply and uncontrollably.
I wasn't able to resume my work of taking off his boxers for he had gone straight for my boy-shorts and eagerly pulled them off and away from my body. I couldn't help but to giggle at his obvious enthusiasm and at my slight embarrassment of being completely naked in front of Edward.
Noticing my slight discomfort Edward sat up to pull of the last piece of fabric that would stand between our two bodies and I was fucking stunned.
It's not like I've never seen a dick before, I've seen plenty of movies, but it's that he was…HUGE. How the hell was that even going to fit?
Edward, seeing the shock and little bit of fear on my face, placed a delicate kiss on my lips calming me down.
"Don't worry." He whispered.
"I know. We belong together." I responded and kissed him back. Edward positioned himself between my legs and I wrapped my arms around his neck. My heart was practically dancing in my chest.
This was going to happen. This really was going to happen. Edward was finally going to make me his and him mine.
A slow smile spread across my face and Edward took this as all the encouragement he needed. He slowly glided himself in me, stretching my wall and making me cry out at the tremendous feeling. I cannot even begin to explain how it feels to being stretched from the inside. It did hurt, but I knew it was going to be nothing compared to how it will feel when he finally takes me completely.
I was digging my nails into Edward's back as an outlet for the pain, trying not to cry out. Edward kept his face buried into my shoulder, groaning low and deep into it tossing my name in the mix. His hands held tightly to the bed sheets scrunching them into his tight fists. I could tell that he was trying really hard to hold himself back from doing something to fast for me. I couldn't even imagine what all this felt like for him; having my tight walls practically suffocating him.
He slid himself even deeper into me, my nails digging even more into his shoulders, but stopped when he reached my barrier. He lifted his head off my shoulder so he could look down into me, making sure I was alright with this, and I was.
I gave a slight nod letting him know that I was ready before saying, "J-just do i-it quick. Quick, l-like a band-aid."
He let out a small chuckle that sent dazzling vibrations throughout my body especially at the point where we were connected. I moaned loudly.
"That's not something a guy expects to hear his first time." I snapped my eyes to his. His first time? I was so sure that he has done all this before.
I wasn't able to think a thing of it for he, quick like a cat, shoved himself further into me breaking through my barrier. I cried out in pain.
More like screamed. Loudly.
Jesus Christ it hurt. And I honestly don't think it helped that he was the size of a fucking walrus.
Why did I have to be one of those girls that had to feel so much pain? I was hoping that since I've already been through enough pain in my life this would be the one thing that would go smoothly. But of course it didn't.
Why did it have to hurt so bad?
The tears started to fall from the corner of my tightly squeezed eyes. Edward started to pull back but I held onto him. If he left now, I don't know when I would let this happen again. I wanted to get over it now.
"Please…, don't… move. Give me a moment." My body was still trying to adjust to his size and I was preventing myself from just telling him to get out. I felt Edwards's lips kissing my tears away, whispering that he was sorry.
"I love you." He whispered softly into my ear. As if they were magic words, I could feel the pain start to decimate. Not totally and not as fast as I would like, but it was becoming slightly bearable.
"Okay." I told Edward. He must behaving a really difficult time not moving, trying to keep himself still. He let out a deep sigh in gratefulness for he was able to finally start moving. He pulled out half way and pushed himself back in over and over again a few times to get the feel of our bodies together. I would let out a soft cry of pain with each movement.
Steadily the pain turned into complete pleasure and Edward's speed picked up. He began to thrust into me faster and I never felt so complete before. So whole.
This is where I belonged. Where we belonged. We were EdwardandBella. No spaces between.
"Edward…" I gasped, one of my hands let go of his shoulder and went up into his hair.
"God, Bella…" He grunted once I yanked his hair bringing his face down to mine to kiss him wildly.
"Edward, harder…faster…." Beads of sweat were forming by the dozens on his forehead and against his chest making him slick as I rubbed my hands down his it before placing them on the sheets next to us clutching tightly on to them.
He compiled to my request and plunged himself even deeper into me than before. I began to rise up my hips to meet his every thrust and swiveled them around a bit. He gripped onto the back of my knee and placed it on his hip where I ended up wrapping both my legs around him. He both moaned at the fact that he went even further into me, which is pretty amazing considering the size of him. Edward titled his hips a bit and hit a spot inside me that made my yell out his name in utter pleasure.
I didn't know how much longer I was possibly going to last. I had that same tightening that I had earlier, but this time it was stronger and tighter.
"Uh…Edward…" I moaned out.
"Fuck Bella, you feel so good…" He groaned out. I don't know why but hearing Edward curse in this kind of situation was sexy as hell.
"Na…Huh…" I gasped out when he lifted my hips, holding on tightly to me, creating a delicious new angle. It was then that I knew that I wasn't going to last much longer. That tightening in my stomach was becoming too strong for me to handle anymore. It almost like a balloon was in me ready to pop any minute. Edward was getting close too. I could tell by the way he moved even faster and harder inside me. He traced his hand down my arm and laced his fingers trough mine that were still clutching the bed sheets.
"Come…Come for me Bella." He uttered in my ear. And again for the second time tonight I came undone for him. My muscles were clenching tightly around his cock, as it began to pulse inside me when I called out his name.
He froze above me as his seed spilled inside me and then collapsed on top of me. Both of us completely exhausted to move or talk at the moment. I wrapped my arms around him holding him tightly to me thriving in the feeling of his body on top of mine and the fact that we were still connected. Both of our chests heaving against each other's trying to gain the air we both so desperately needed. My hands traced through his damp hair as his head lay on my chest.
I whimpered when he pulled out of me and shut my eyes squeezing them tightly. When I opened them I found myself staring directly into Edward's green ones.
Staring in Edward's eyes, they were full of so much passion and lust and I was sure that mine was matching his, but I don't know. His seemed to be able to burn permanent holes into me. It was as if he was trying to tell me everything through his delicious, apple green orbs.
He leaned into me and gave me a soft kiss, "Bella, I love you so much." I could tell that he was being sincere. This was his apology for everything, and I accepted it.
"I love you too, Edward." I kissed his him lightly before laying my head down on his chest savoring the feeling of his warm body pressed snugly under mine and I listened to the beating of his calming heart.
Yep, my longest chapter to date.
Okay, this is the chapter I need your reviews considering the fact that this was my first Lemon ever! So please, please review and tell me what you think.
Also, yes there is such thing as a sex headache. We actually talked about it in class one day before I finished this chapter. I thought it was funny, that's why I put it in… (if you know what I mean). It happens more often to guys than girls though.